Chapter 12: Try me

6 P.M, sa bakanteng lote kung saan nangyari ang unang pagkikita namin. Nakatayo ako sa ibaba ng lamp post. Ang sabi ni Rocky ay dito ko siya hintayin. Ayon din sa text message niya ay medyo male-late ito dahil sa traffic.

"It's okay," I replied back.

Itinago ko uli sa bulsa ng pants ko ang cell phone. Sumandal ako sa poste habang pinagmamasdan ang mga taong dumadaan. Nakasampong sasakyan na akong nabilang pero wala pa rin siya.

Napasinghap ako nang may tumakip na kamay sa mga mata ko. Hindi gaanong nag-react ang katawan ko na parang kilala nito kung sino ang nasa likod ko.

"Should I make a guess?" I asked. There was no response. "Come on, Rocky. Late ka na nga nanti-trip pa."

"Ouch."

Natigilan ako nang mabosesan siya. Inalis ko ang kamay niya sa kamay ko at mabilis na humarap.

"Siya pala ang hinihintay mo," ani Rafael. "You've been standing here for almost half an hour. Good exercise though. Pampatibay ng tuhod."

Napakurap ako nang mapagtantong si Rafael nga ang nasa harapan ko. Ang alam ko ay malayo ang bahay nila sa amin kaya nakapagtatakang makita ko siya rito. Pero oo nga pala, malapit dito nakatira si Ericka. He's probably going there or he's already been there.

"May pupuntahan kasi kami. Galing ka ba kina Ericka?" kaswal kong tanong.

"Uh nah. Iba ang sadya ko."

No, please...

"Ikaw ang sinadya ko," aniya. "Gusto kong mag-sorry sa inakto ko kanina. Did I sound harsh? Hindi mo ako pinansin pagkatapos eh. You know me, Mad. I can't let you sleep mad at me."

Nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin, bumigat, nakakasakal. Iba ang dating sa akin ng mga sinasabi niya at hindi ko matanggap na magkaiba kami. Paano kaya kapag nalaman niyang may gusto ako sa kanya? Would he remain the same? Would he still approach me this way? Or... Would he stay away for I can ruin something he built?

Mahinang umiling ako at taimtim na nagdasal na sana ay dumating na si Rocky. Whenever he's around, I can't think well. Minsan ay ako na rin ang umiiwas, lalo na kapag kami lang dalawa.

"Ah!" May kinuha ito sa kanyang bulsa at inilabas. "For you."

Napatingin ako sa chocolate na ibinibigay niya. "Hindi ako mahilig sa chocolate eh."

Shit. Don't do this to me, please. You're making my hopes high, scary thinking how high my breakdown can be.

"Hindi atang magandang tanggihan ang inaalok," bulong niya. "Sige na, Mad. Ito naman oh. Parang 'di tayo magkaibigan eh. Pampalubag-loob para sa pagsagot ko nang pabalang sa boyfriend mo."

Lumunok ako bago tinanggap ang chocolate. Napaatras ako at mabilis na binawi ang kamay ko nang hawakan niya ito. Alam kong sinadya niya iyon, sinadya niyang haplusin ang kamay ko.

I hate to think of it but I am starting to think he's flirting with me. Bigla kong naisip ang mga sinabi ni Rocky. Is it true? May gusto rin siya sa akin? But, why? Why chose Ericka instead of me? Why make things complicated if he can choose the simple way?

A slight pain penetrated my chest. He didn't chose me when he had the chance.

This is hard than I thought. Confirming Rafael's genuine feeling. I wouldn't be totally happy if he is really into me, I mean... He pulled Ericka in this mess. She is still my best friend and no matter what happens, I don't want to hurt her.

But damn it. Here I am, cooking something that can hurt us after.

Can I be selfish just this time? I want him for me. If this is true, please forgive me.

"Mad!" Napakurap ako nang may sumigaw sa harapan ko.

Masyado akong nabakante ng mga iniisip ko na hindi ko namalayan na kinakausap pala ako ni Rafael. Kinailangan ko pang alugin ang ulo ko para tuluyang bumalik sa huwisyo.

"I'm sorry?" Ngumiwi ako.

Tumawa siya. "Ang sabi ko ay uuwi na ako."

A part of me wants him to stay and the other wants him to leave.

"S-Sige..." Napatitig ako sa kanya. Is it really possible to love someone that you can do selfishness?

Tumitig ito nang ilang segundo bago uli nagsalit.

"Can we do it even without her?" he asked.

Lumundag ang puso ko nang yakapin niya ako. We do it. Ginagawa namin ang yakapan, group hug. But I am not prepared for this. Sa isang yakap niya lang ay nagawa kong makapagdesisyon nang pansariling kapakanan.

Fuck every reason why I can't have this man.

"I've been wanting to hug you," he whispered. "Alone."

Even if I wanted to hug him back, I remained still.

"But promise... This will be the last time." I felt his pain while saying that. "This will be the last hug to you as someone I see more than you think. After this... I will stay where I am, where I should."

Is he confessing? My mind suddenly filled with looming cloud of thoughts. I am about to win my game... I can feel it. He's giving me a hint and I get it.

He let me go and faced me. And there... I confirmed what I've felt. This pain is now visible in his deep eyes.

And I am hurting too.

"W-What is this?" I asked under my breathe.

He shook his head. "Nothing but a letting go. Let's keep being friends."

Shit.

Just give me one clear reason. Come hell or high water... I'll own you.

"I'm going home, Mad. Please... Take care of yourself."

Tumalikod na ito sa akin at handa nang maglakad palayo. Naghuramentado ang dibdib ko nang mag-umpisa na itong humakbong palayo. I need to do something now. He can't get away from my sight until I haven't confirmed my thoughts yet.

"Friends?" I asked.

"Yep," he answered without looking at me.

I let out a heavy sigh as I whispered, "If you can offer more than that, I am ready to cross the line."

Napalingon ito sa akin. Nanlalaki ang kanyang mga mata kung saan bakas ang sobrang gulat. I've never been this brave in my life... Saying something I thought I already had swallowed long ago.

I've finally confessed my feeling.

"M-Maddy Grilliard. What did you just say?"

I shrugged my shoulder. "You heard me."

Sumilaw ang isang ngiti sa kanyang labi. "Give me enough time. I need more."

"It starts now."

He bit his bottom lip as he ran away. Tumakbo ito hanggang sa mawala na siya sa paningin ko.

Napasandal ako sa poste. Tila naubusan ako ng lakas matapos ang pag-uusap namin. Medyo may mga malabong parte pero isa lang ang malinaw... We have mutual feelings to each other.

"Miss, pwede ba kitang isama sa lakad ko ngayon?" Napalingon ako kay Rocky.

"H-Hey. Kanin ka pa riyan?" tanong ko.

"If you can offer more than that, I am ready to cross the line," he repeated what I said earlier. "Did I miss something, huh?" He smirked.

Napatili ako at sa sobrang saya ay napayakap sa kanya. "You're right! He likes me!"

"Told yah."

Hinarap ko siya uli. "I-I am about to win my game..."

"And that means my hunch is right. We are both saved. You have no reason to quit my game."

Natigilan ako. I thought if I win my game, he will lose me. No, his hunch is right and that means I can't quit on his game. We both won this game! That made me happier, pareho kaming makikinabang sa pagkapanalo ko.

Sunud-sunod na kasiyahan na ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano ako kasaya, basta... I'm happy with all these happenings.

Nakangiting tumango ako. "Of course. I'll play your game until you win, too. Just like what you did to me."

"Let's celebrate later?"

"Wait, no. Early celebration is not good, Rocky. Mas gusto kapag hawak ko na talaga ang panalo."

He shrugged his shoulders.

We got in his car. Napatingin ako sa salamin. Nakangiti... Masaya sa nangyari. Kahit na siguro matalsikan ako uli ng putik o mahuli ng ulan sa kalsadang walang silungan ay hindi mabubura ang ngiti sa labi ko. Is it really possible to be this happy?

Sumingit sa salamin si Rocky. Nauntog ako sa ulo niya na ikinadaing ko. Tumawa lang ito habang nakatingin sa sarili sa salamin, nag-aayos ng buhok. Nang matapos ay binuhay na rin niya ang makina ng sasakyan at nagmaneho.

"Stop smiling. I couldn't focus on driving," Rocky suddenly said.

"I don't get it." I chuckled.

"I'd rather watch that smile than focus on the road."

Tumawa ako at bahagyang hinampas ang kanyang balikat. "Stop it. Hindi na natin kailangang magkunwaring tayo."

That's right. We don't need to pretend anymore.

"Ang bitin naman," bulong nito. "I am still enjoying the game. Wala man lang thrill."

"Pero hindi pa naman totally na tapos na," sabi ko. "Raf is still buying enough time. Hindi naman pwedeng biglaan lang ang lahat. It will take time."

Tumango naman ito at hindi nagsalita. I rested my back and stared on the road. His smile earlier... I didn't know I could also see him smile at me the way he stared at Ericka. It still feels surreal.

"Oo nga pala," basag ko sa katahimikan nang may maalala. "Iyong teddy bear?"

"Hmmm... What about it?"

Naalala ko na naman ang sinabi niya kanina.

"Totoo ba 'yon? You named it after me?"

"Oo naman. Lahat ng sinabi ko ay totoo."

"Kung gano'n..."

"May nabasa kasi ako. Teddy bears can ease loneliness. Lalo na kung galing ito sa special someone. You can't give me a teddy bear so I bought myself one. I named it after you. I always think it's you. Why? Don't you like it?"

Mabilis na umiling ako. "Ang weird mo talaga. You could have told me you want a teddy bear. It's not a big deal. Just give me money and I'll do the pleasure."

He laughed, softly.

Muli akong sumandal. Napatingin ako sa labas nang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. Lumabo ang paligid dala ang ulan. May mga taong tumatakbo, naghahanap ng masisilungan. May mga iba rin na hinayaan na lang na mabasa sila.

Bumalin ako ng tingin sa kalsada. Halos ang mga pulang ilaw galing sa mga sasakyan ang nakikita ko.

Scary how unpredictable weather can be.

"Putik!" Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang biglang may tumugtog.

Rocky chortled because of my reaction.

"You startled me!"

"You were right, Mad. After our call last night, music knocked on my door. I doubted at first but when I remembered you, I let it in."

Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Good choice."

"This is my favorite," he said, referring to the music currently on play.

I know this song. Mirror by Justine Timberlake.

I closed my eyes and let the music takeover my system. Listening to music is relaxing. Whenever I am sad, I listen to music. Whenever I am happy, I do the same. When things get confusing and I need to relax myself, music helps me. What is this world without music anyway?

"The vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold." Narinig kong sinabayan niya ang linyang iyon ng kanta.

He can sing...well. Music is good for him.

I didn't realize I fell asleep. Nagising na lang ako na hindi na kami umaandar. Napatingin ako kay Rocky, nakatingin ito sa labas ng bintana sa gilid niya. Pinagmamasdan ang isang bahay sa hindi kalayuan.

Tumila na rin ang ulan nang hindi ko man lang namamalayan.

Umayos ako ng upo at bahagyang nag-inat ng katawan.

Napalingon sa akin si Rocky. "Sorry. Nagising ata kita."

"Ano'ng ginagawa natin dito?"

Ipinakita niya sa akin ang relo niya. "Waiting for the keyword."

"Ano ba ang task?"

Tumingin ito uli sa bahay. "Hanapin ang dating secretary ni Daddy. Nahanap na natin pero hindi pa rin umiilaw ang relo ko."

Napatitig ako sa kanya, nakatingin pa rin ito sa labas. Alam kong alam niya ang dahilan. Hindi lang namin kailangang mahanap kung saan siya nakatira, kailangan namin siyang makita at makausap. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan pero alam kong may malalaman kami ngayon na ibang detalye sa tunay na pangyayari.

"I-I think---"

"Fuck it!" Marahas na kinalas niya ang seatbelt sa katawan. "Let's go," aniya bago lumabas.

Sumunod ako. Halos tumakbo ako para makasabay sa kanya. Nang nasa harapan na kami ng pinto ay nanatili lang itong nakatayo. Hindi ako kumibo. Naghintay akong siya ang kumilos.

His fists were clenched. He's feeling it again. This game is hurting him, as long as he's playing, pain will always attack him. I am now thinking... What if he didn't play this game at all? What if he just let go things that pains him and start a new one?

I smiled when he let out a heavy sigh and started to knock on the door.

And then I realized... He doesn't care how this game hurt him, as long as he will see his Mom. He needs to win the pain for someone he loves. He needs to be strong even if it means deluding himself he is.

Pain has shaped him into a person who would rather pretend not hurting at all than to show the world how down he is.

Kumilos ang kamay ko, hinawakan ko ang kamay niya na ikinalingon nito.

I smiled as I tightened the grip. I promised to return back when he has done with my game.

This task will be hard for him and I need to be more active to help him.

Mayamaya ay may nagbukas ng pinto. Bumungad sa amin ang isang babae. Nakalugay ang basing buhok nito na halatang katatapos lang maligo. Naramdaman kong mas humigpit ang hawak sa akin ni Rocky.

"M-May kailangan ba kayo?" tanong nito.

Hindi ito makatingin kay Rocky. Halata ang gulat sa mukha ng babae na halatang pinagtatakpan ang katotohanan na alam niya ang pakay namin.

"Pwede ka po ba naming makausap?" magalang kong tanong.

"Hindi ko pwedeng papasukin ang hindi ko kakilala---"

"Should I really need to introduce myself, huh?" pabalang na sagot ni Rocky. "Well, I am the son of grief, the aftermath of betrayal, and the result of the horrendous conspiracy."

"P-Please... A-Ayoko na nang gulo."

"We didn't come here to start a fight or what," I said. "Just a minute, please?"

Nakita ko ang pag-aalangin sa babae pero tumango ito. Pumasok kami sa bahay nila. Bumungad sa amin ang isang batang gumagaang sa sahig. Tumatawa ito habang nakikipaglaro sa isang tuta.

"Maupo kayo."

Ako lang ang umupo, nanatiling nakatayo si Rocky sa gilid ng pinto, nakasandal sa pader at nakahalukipkip. Nakatingin ito sa batang nakikipaglaro sa tuta.

"What do you want to drink?"

"You mean what poison we prefer?"

Napapikit ako sa sinabi ni Rocky. Bumuntong-hininga ako bago muling tumingin sa babae.

"How's your life?" I asked.

Natigilan ito. "G-Good."

"Unfair. Mine is worse," Rocky interrupted again.

"Look, Mr. Brecken." Hinarap ng babae si Rocky. "What happened in the past will stay there. Alam ko ang pagkakamali ko at nahihiya ako sa sarili ko." Nangilid ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. "If I could bring back that time, even If it helped me, I wouldn't do that mistake."

Ngumisi si Rocky habang naiiling.

"What happened after?" tanong ko.

"Nothing but a grief." Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. "In the process of saving myself, I ruined something else. Believe me, Rocky. I didn't mean it. Desperation clouded my mind."

"W-Why?" I asked again.

"He was lonely, he needed someone." She wiped away the tears blocking her sight. "I saw how pain overpowered his eagerness to be strong for his wife. He was a tough man who fought hard to win the darkest battle of his life."

"H-How much Dad paid to you?" Rocky interrupted again. "How much you sold your dignity?"

Natigilan uli ang babae. Sa pagkakataong 'yon ay naduda ako sa tanong ni Rocky. May mali... Isang malaking mali.

"N-No..." Muling tumulo ang luha sa kanyang mata.

Naguluhan ang tingin ni Rocky.

Shit. No. Gusto ko nang ilayo si Rocky rito.

"What do you mean?" Rocky asked.

Tumayo na ako.

"Ang Mommy mo ang nagbayad sa akin para gawin 'yon."

Kitang-kita ng mga mata ko kung paano bumukas ang mga nakakuyom na kamao ni Rocky.

Natulala ako nang makitang nangilid ang luha sa kanyang mga mata.

"I-I don't understand," Rocky whispered.

Damn. This is too much for him!

Nakaramdam ako ng galit sa kanyang mga magulang. How could they pull their son in this kind of mess? This is too much for a guy who only wants nothing but a glimpse of attention from them.

"Your mom paid me." She gulped as she grasped for more words. "It was scripted. She paid me to make him happy. She paid me to make him fall for me. I tried my best... But your Dad wouldn't fall for anyone than his wife. I failed."

"Why? Why Mom would paid you to do such?" Rocky asked again.

"I-I can't tell you..."

"Why the not?!"

"Oh, please. I can't. This is her final favor, I can't."

"D-Do you love him?" I asked.

Umiling ang babae kasabay ng pag-ilaw ng relo ni Rocky.

Lalapit na sana ako kay Rocky nang bigla itong tumakbo palabas. Natigilan ako... Tila nabingi sa mga pangyayari.

"I'm so sorry..." Niyakap ng babae ang kanyang anak at humagulgol.

Sumunod ako sa labas. Naabutan ko si Rocky na nakasandal sa kanyang sasakyan. Nagulat ako nang makitang umuusok ang kanyang bibig. Humihithit siya ng sigarilyo habang nakatingin sa malayo.

Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kanya sa malayo.

"R-Rocky..." I whispered his name.

His eyes infiltrated on my direction. All those emotion earlier faded in just a glimpse. All I can see now is... Cold.

Sinenyasan niya akong lumapit sa kanya na ginawa ko naman. Binitawan niya ang sigarilyo at inapakan 'yon hanggang sa maapula ang baga.

He looked at me. "Hindi ba sabi ko sa 'yo dadalhin kita sa lugar kung saan ako nagpapalipas ng araw?"

Without saying a word, I nodded my head.

"When silence becomes defeaning, I walk there. But when I feel the need to forget who I am, I run there... And hurt my health by drowning myself in alcohol. I feel the latter one now and I don't want a burden to you. I'll drive you home."

He was about to get in the car when I grabbed his arm.

"I'll join you."

Tumingin ito sa akin. "I'll be wasted, You can't handle me."

"Try me..."

"M-Mads..."

"Try me, Rocky."