I will update this book at some point you just have to bare with me. I've lost the motivation at the moment due to my grieving. On Monday I went to the funeral of one of my youngest friends.

He commit suicide a little over a month ago, jumped off the bridge one night, he was only 19. It's been really hard to deal with, basically a whole rollercoaster of emotions. I broke down into tears not far from that very bridge, hours before his funeral.

Then when I was going in with a couple friends of mine (and his) my friend overheard the funeral people struggling to find another pallbearer to help carry the coffin, most likely the other one has dropped out last minute. Anyways, I stepped in and I ended up carrying my friends coffin at the funeral along with his two brothers and two other family relatives of his.

To say it was hard was a understatement, the whole thing was so emotional already and I was nervous. But carrying the coffin, that took a lot, I knew it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did it, I'm proud even. I'm just, I'm so sad he's gone.

He was a lovely lad, he was always one to help someone and always put a smile on their face no matter their mood. He was smart, understanding, non judgemental, selfless and he left this earth way too young.

I guess I'm posting this because... If anyone of y'all think about suicide, maybe this could help stop you. Look, I know it's not easy, going personal I've attempted suicide a few times in the past, thankfully they never worked. I've got my fair share of mental health problems so I do understand that when people say 'it gets better' it's really hard to listen to it and believe it.

And the truth is, life is always gonna have bad stuff with it, it's natural, but along with the bad there is good. You see, if my mate had maybe stopped himself from doing it that night, who knows what life could have been like for him? In the future, he could have had a wife, kid's, a job he enjoys.

But we will never know, he will never know. He probably didn't even know how many people really cared about him, he touched a lot of people's hearts. His mum, his two little sisters and his two big brothers in bits, as well as other family and of course friends.

You may feel at times so low, like you really don't wanna be here, I've been there, you'll feel like if you actually did go, that nobody would miss you. Well your wrong! I was wrong! He was wrong! People will miss you, more than you could ever know.

I'm not talking from someone who is has been suicidal anymore, I'm talking as someone who has lost someone from suicide. So please hear me when I say, it's not the only way, there is always someone there, someone who will listen and will help, you just have to reach out, it's so important. I wish he had.

Anyway, I few days ago I wrote a poem/song, it's about mental health, suicide, bullying. Yea, bullying, you see, my friend was bullied by some other lads and some girls just an hour or so before he did what he did, it was the bullies that made him snap.

Here is the poem, it is called Nineteen 🔻

Chorus:

He was only nineteen his whole life ahead of him, it's just a battle he wasn't gonna win, he could have but you added to the pain within, made him throw his whole life into the bin

Verse: 

We didn't see the signs, they never let us know 

their battle was silent, but in the end it won

they wasn't weak, they wasn't selfish, they just broke down

they felt like there was no escape.

Pre-Chorus: 

He never let us know his heart hurt so much 

No cry for help, only a silent shout that was muffled by that invisible tape.

Chorus:

He was only nineteen his whole life ahead of him, it's just a battle he wasn't gonna win, he could have but you added to the pain within, made him throw his whole life into the bin

Verse:

We'll never get to see him raise a family or her be a mom

A life full of love never got to be

It's not fair, we'll never see the man or woman they could've been.

Verse: 

Suicide doesn't mean they were weak 

It just means that they were fighting a battle within 

We should strive to understand their pain 

And not judge them for the decision they made.

Pre-Chorus: 

He never let us know his heart hurt so much 

No cry for help, only a silent shout that was muffled by that invisible tape.

Chorus:

He was only nineteen his whole life ahead of him, it's just a battle he wasn't gonna win, he could have but you added to the pain within, made him throw his whole life into the bin

Verse:

But just because things are dark now 

Doesn't mean they'll always be this way

We all hit rock bottom, but we'll always find a way to turn around and rise again 

So don't give up, and don't give in

Ending:

He is only nineteen and he's building his future, one step at a time. To a wife and a daughter with a son on the way, a brilliant job that he'll enjoy. There will still be moments where he'll feel so low, but over the years his courage will show for he's always been a warrior that much we do know.

Let me know what you think. And just before I go, if you ever feel low like that, feel free to inbox me. As soon as I see it I will reply. Don't ever think you have to go through it alone, you don't.

Oh, one more thing! I got two new tattoos yesterday

This one symbolizes mental health, my friends passing being the initial thing that made me think about getting it. But it is also fitting for myself and anyone else really who's going through or gone through their own battle in their head.

This is the second one. My sister who died before I was born, her favorite colour was purple and it just so happens my friend's was also purple. So two purple roses seemed even more fitting. And the dove because of what they represent but also because there is a white dove statue on my sister's grave.  This one hurt so bad, especially with the shading in!

Anyway, that is all now, I hope you're all doing okay at least and remember what I said, goodbye for now all 👏♥️