Chapter Sixteen
Sam

"How's Jade doing?" Soroya asks me as we walk down the halls of the palace. She and I currently helping with turning it into a makeshift hospital. More and more patients are being delivered here from the battlefield and the hospital is getting too crowded. Everyone is helping out, or at least everyone who isn't already helping out with one of the other million tasks we have to accomplish. It's just been on thing after the other, I haven't had time to sleep, to shower, to think.

I haven't had time to see Jade. "Livy says she's fine and that she'd contact me if something happens with her."

Soroya gives me a slow nod. "If you want to go see her I can take things over from here."

"Have you gone to see Stevie or Alex?"

Her face falls as she shakes her head. We make it to the end of the hall to the storage room where some extra stairs are stashed. We need to take them to the throne room. We both take two and then venture back towards the other side of the palace.

"With all the injured, the damages, the people who need homes, the Skrulls, making alliances with other planets, dealing with normal Avenger duties—"

"Don't forget Zy's plan to use the people of different countries to elect the world leaders out of office." I add.

"Yeah and that...we're never going to have time to ourselves," Soroya says, guilt and regret filling her tone. "Or time with our families. My son and brother are going through a lot. Both of them will have to retrain themselves to shift with their injuries and I won't be able to help them. I feel like a terrible mother and sister. But if I abandon my duties to help them then I'm a terrible leader."

I nod, feeling a little lighter despite discussing such a heavy topic. It's nice having someone who understands the position I'm in, along with the stress and anger that position brings. Soroya and I have always been really close friends, but over these past few months, I feel like she and I have gotten far closer. We spend all our time together planning how to fix the world's problems. That task would be far more daunting and isolating if she wasn't there to share the burden with me.

"I guess that's the price of being a leader. In order to rebuild the rest of the world we have to watch ours fall apart."

Soroya bites her lip, which is wobbling slightly. Her eyes are lined with tears. "Do you think it will ever get easier?"

"I don't know. I doubt it. I'm starting to see more and more why Steve chose to go back in time and leave this behind. Being a leader isn't just a hard job, it's a lonely one."

Soroya, despite her sorrow, playfully bumps my shoulder. "That's why I'm glad you're my partner in all this."

Despite my own sorrow, I bump her shoulder back. "Me, too."

-

Naomi

There are so many wounded the hospital in Wakanda can't hold them all. Shuri's lab is already being filled with the overflow and now the palace is too.

I've been trying to help where I can, whether that means getting more bandages or getting some extra chairs for patients to sit. I welcome the tasks I'm given, in dire need of a distraction. The more time I have to myself to more time I have to think, and when I think, I think of Matt and Johnny. I can't think about them right now. If I do, I'll break down and I won't be able to function again, and with so much going on, I can't afford that right now. Maybe not ever. I need to distract myself. I need to be useful.

"Naomi," I hear a voice say from down the hall. I turn and find Kieran approaching me. "I thought it was you."

I try to smile, but all I can manage is a small perk of my lips. "Hello Kieran."

"Can I be of assistance?" She offers, gesturing to the fold up chairs I'm holding onto. I nod, handing her a couple. I nod towards the room I've been helping out on and Kieran follows me inside, offering the chairs to any doctor and nurse who needs it. When I'm done I ask if anyone else needs anything and some asks for some fresh towels and blankets. I immediately make for the door, and upon seeing me leave, Kieran follows.

"I never got a chance to see you after we returned from our mission to see the Skrulls and then to Hala..." Kieran begins.

I nod, crossing my arms over my chest as we walk through the bustling palace halls. "Yeah, I'm glad you're alright."

Kieran smiles, but it's brief. Her expression then becomes sorrowful. "Director Roberts told me about your friends. You have my deepest condolences."

I nod, trying to blink away my tears and keep my voice steady. "Thank you."

Kieran stares at me for a moment before grabbing onto my arm, stopping me. She glances around the halls and spots a door. She leads me towards it, opening it up to reveal a one toilet bathroom. I let her pull me inside and watch as she shuts the door behind us. After flicking on the lights she turns to me, her face softening, her tone gentle, smooth like honey. Despite myself I feel my cheeks begin to blush.

"It is alright to feel your pain, to grieve. You are walking these halls like a ghost, there is a hollowness in your eyes. I know that it's easier to ignore your pain and throw yourself into labor, but it will not help."

That's how I've always dealt with things. My parents were killed and I was kidnapped, so I turned that pain into a rebellion. Anytime something bad would happen to my people, I would organize rallies and speeches, turning that pain into action. And now, my best friends, my family have died. I need to turn that pain into something or else...I don't even know. I'll just disappear and become a ghost for real. I tell Kieran as much.

"You need to allow yourself to grieve. When my mother died I did not do so and it left me hollow for many years. It is not weak to be vulnerable, to feel pain. I thought it was, but someone convinced me otherwise."

Curiosity gets the better of me. "Who?"

"Carol," Kieran informs me with a sad smile. "Many years ago, the Supreme Intelligence wanted me to dispose of her, so they sent me to track her down and do just that. I found her helping a group of Xandarians who had escaped Thanos's massacre. Carol had just lost a close friend of hers, a woman from Earth, and was in deep mourning. She shared stories of her friend to these people, shared her pain with them. I watched them from a distance and I saw the impact she had on those Xandarians. She made a connection with them through their grief and sorrow, and she told them to embrace the pain, not hide from it. When I heard her say that, I realize that's what I had been doing since my mother died."

"How did you avoid killing her? I thought the bracelet the Kree put on you forbade you from disobeying them."

Kieran smiles to herself. "The bracelet had a flaw: it took the Kree's order literally. The Kree's exact words were to 'dispose of Carol Danvers'. So I approached Carol and told her what the Kree had sent me to do, then I threw her in a dumpster."

A chuckle erupts from my mouth. "You disposed of her."

Kieran chuckles along with me, taking a step towards me. "Her words gave me the push I needed to finally grieve. And I needed to feel my pain. Not doing so brought me into a cycle of self-punishment, but you're strong enough not to fall into the habit of such destructive behavior. You can turn your pain into so much more, but you have to feel it first in order to put it to any true use. If you let it build up inside of you, all you'll do is shut down."

I nod a couple times, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "We always wanted to keep a brave face for our people, Johnathon, Matthew, and I. We felt that as leaders we needed to be the strength our people needed, that showing our fear and pain to them would only hurt them more. when I would feel overwhelmed or angry or upset Johnny and Matt were always there. If I would break, they would put me back together, and I would do the same for them. These last few months I've been leading on my own and it's been hard. I no longer had people I could be vulnerable around while still keeping a brave face for my people. My friends have been encouraging me to do otherwise since I gained the position of representative of the enhanced, and I do see their point. Showing that you're going through the same thing everyone else is can be really comforting, especially during times like this...but now they're gone. I feel like I can't breathe, like there's this giant hole in my chest that's swallowing me up by the moment and the last thing everyone needs is to see me break apart. Everyone is already going through so much, I don't need to burden them with my pain."

Kieran studies me for a moment and then says: "It's very interesting that even at your lowest you are more concerned with the well-being of others. Your heart is broken and yet you worry about breaking other's hearts by showing your own. You are undyingly selfless."

I shrug, trying once again to blink my tears away. "I guess that happens when you've been a leader as long as I have."

Kieran shakes her head. "No. I have met many leaders who wouldn't give the feelings of their people a second thought. You are willing to slowly decay from the weight of your grief in order to keep being a symbol of strength and hope for your people. You are unlike any other human I've met."

I scoff, wiping my eyes. "You haven't spent enough time with Soroya and Sam. They're as selfless and caring as they come."

"Perhaps." Kieran says, the intensity of her gaze once again causing heat to form on my cheeks, causing my stomach to flutter.

"I have great friends," I begin, fiddling with my locket. "Jade, Soroya, Sam, Zy'aire, the others...they're amazing, and I'm lucky to have them. I know that if I went to them and told them what was going on, that they would be nothing but comforting and supportive. I've even tried to talk to them about stuff like this...but it's not the same. Johnathon and Matthew were more than my friends. They were my brothers, two halves of my heart. Being vulnerable with them came so naturally. We knew each other inside and out, and together we kept each other up, like three pillars holding up a roof. When I felt like tumbling over and breaking, they were always there to catch me. If I break now...I'll crumble for good. There's no one to keep me up, I-I feel so alone."

I've tried fending off the tears but all my efforts have now failed. The tears flood down my face, sobs causing my shoulders to curve inwards, my hands to shoot up to my face. I feel a bit embarrassed crying in front of Kieran, but she doesn't seem to mind. I hear her footsteps approach me, and then I feel two warm hands wrap around my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face.

Here she is, a Kree assassin I met days ago, seeing me at my most vulnerable, seeing me break apart, crumble to the ground, and she smiles.

"Everyone is broken, even before this battle," She assures me, her voice like smooth honey. "Its okay to break. It's okay to not catch yourself or be caught before you fall. But when you do, when you crumble, you have to put yourself back together."

"I can't do it by myself."

"You won't have to."

This whole time I've been staring at my tear stained palms, my hands still caught in her grip, but now I look up at her eyes. They really are enchanting.

"Why are you doing this?" I whisper.

"Doing what?"

"Helping me, comforting me, reassuring me...why?"

"Because I want to." The honesty of her answer makes my stomach flutter again. I try to ignore it, but it gets worse as Kieran attempts a small smile.

I smile back, and this time it fully forms, and it isn't forced.