Chapter Five
Soroya

The shopping trip was a success. Liam got some things to put in his room, as did Ana. I offered for her to stay for dinner but she refused, knowing that Bucky would have a scowl on his face the whole meal. We decided to have some takeout for dinner, something simple and easy that we don't have to cook. No one objected. I was really quiet throughout dinner, the kids did most of the talking. Stevie had a lot to say about a new painting he's thinking of making once we're done unpacking the house, Livy is already starting to dive back into medical textbooks for school, and Liam talked about how much he wants to take pictures of Wakanda. Bucky occasionally commented, but mostly he just focused on me, on my silence, studying me.

I stayed silent until the kids went to bed, the boys here in the house and Livy declaring she would be sleeping at the palace. Stevie relentlessly teased her about this, but she ignored him, far too happy to care. Once Bucky and I enter into our bedroom, still cluttered with boxes and unpacked furniture, and shut the door, I burst into tears.

I slump down to the ground and cover my mouth with my hands, trying to keep quiet so I don't wake the boys. Bucky slides down onto his knees and rubs my arms, waiting for me to get it all out, wondering if I'll say anything.

Eventually I do.

"It's so hard," I say with a broken whisper. "I feel like I can't breathe."

"I know." He says darkly.

"I've wanted to talk to you about this since it happened...but I was afraid. You spent so long trying to heal from what happened to you in HYDRA and I didn't want this to trigger any of your past guilt or pain. I mean if I started talking about how much I hate myself for what happened to John, if I said that I should have been strong enough to stop the Savage, that if I had tried harder I could have pushed through and gotten control, it could make you start to feel the same way again. This is exactly the kind of stuff you used to talk about and I didn't want to bring it all back."

"Sweetheart," He whispers, and when I look up at him, I see tears streaming down his face, his expression pure agony, but not not for himself. "You helped me heal, you were one of the biggest reasons why I was able to make the journey back from that dark place. This whole time I've tried to be patient and be your rock like you were for me, but that's not what you need."

Ana would roll her eyes if she were here, this is exactly what she had said earlier. Bucky lets go of my arms and takes my face into his hands, his thumbs brushing away a few straggling tears. "You need to hear this, so listen carefully. This wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped the Savage. No matter how hard you tried you couldn't have gotten control. And I know that you want to feel the guilt because the alternative is so much worse. You want to keep blaming yourself because you don't want to accept that you were helpless. But you were. You couldn't have done anything, and blaming yourself will only keep you trapped in that dark cloud. You need to accept that you were a victim of a horrible situation and forgive yourself."

He really does understand. "There's something else I've wanted to tell you...I kissed him, or the Savage did. When you had her captured in the gamma chamber, she wasn't lying. She kissed John. And...and my body liked it. I'm so sorry, I feel like I cheated on you."

Bucky shakes his head, not an ounce of anger or jealousy in his eyes. "You didn't cheat on me. You weren't in control of your body or mind, she was. And your body can't control how it feels or reacts to things, especially when someone else has control of it. Please don't feel guilty about that, please."

"I know he was putting on an act, but I could tell some of what he said was true. He talked about how miserable I made him, how I changed him into a love struck puppy dog, he said I made him weak. He said he wanted freedom from me and wanted to be his true self. The Savage didn't sense any lies, so at some level he must have felt that way. I think I did. I think I ruined his life. I tried to make him more open and trusting of people, I tried to morph him into what I wanted not what he wanted. I toyed with him and manipulated him, I forced him to be in my life when I knew he was in love with me. I'm no better than the Savage. I am just as evil. That's all I've ever done, I've played with people's minds and emotions."

"No," Bucky says sharply, his hands squeezing my face. His voice breaks as he pleads: "No, please don't for one second compare yourself to her. John is a good liar, that's why the Savage didn't sense anything. John loved you, he loved being around you and being in your life. Whenever he was around you it would be like a light switch turned on inside of him, like his heart was taken out of him when he was away from you, and put back inside him when you reunited. Sometimes it would make me really angry, but how could he not feel that way? You are the most incredible person to ever walk this earth, don't you dare compare yourself to that devil. You don't manipulate people or morph them into what you wish, you see past people's walls and see them for who they really are. You help people become the best versions of themselves. You did that for me, Alex, John, Jade and so many others. You help people, you make their lives better."

"John's life wasn't better because of me."

"This is just part of that guilt spiral, you're tearing yourself down further to keep that guilt alive."

"Or maybe I'm saying it because it's true."

"Did you not hear what he said in his will? He said that you made a broken man whole again, and that's exactly what you did for me. I was a hollow shell when I met you. I was utterly alone. I felt worthless. I hated myself and I hated the world but you changed that. Lena, you are...I don't even have words to describe what you are. There aren't words in any language to describe how wonderful you are," His voice breaks, another tear slipping down his cheek. He tightens his grip on me as he leans forward and presses his forehead against mine. "I know it will be a long and painful road to come back from this, but you won't have to go through it alone. I will dive back into that dark cloud and hold your hand as you climb out of it, because you're my wife and I love you more than life itself."

I feel a sob escape my lips, my heart warming despite everything, despite this cold, dark void I feel like I'm trapped in. He once told me that I was the light that shone in his darkness, I guess now he'll be the light that shines in mine. He'll be the one to guide me out of this, to hold my hand and help me through it, just like I helped him. Ana said that I've spent my life helping others and now I need to let others help me. I think she's right. I can't go through this alone.

"What did you do to help you feel in control again?" I whisper after a moment.

"Many things, some big, some small. When I lived in that hut near the water, I had to tend to the goats and that helped me a lot. Physical labor really made me feel in control of my body again, that's why I recommended you dancing earlier. Eventually we need to work up to you shifting again, because I know you haven't done it since you came back. That's a goal we can work up to."

We. I love how he says 'we', because he meant what he said. He will be by my side every step of this process. I feel my heart surge, my chest ache as he brushes his thumb across my cheek again.

"Can I touch you?" I ask timidly. I have been afraid to do anything more than hold his hand the past week. Whenever I feel lust of any kind my animal side has always slipped out, though now I know that was really the Savage. All those times it was her slipping out, if only for a second. I don't want to risk him getting hurt, not after what the Savage nearly did to him. I can still see her hands, my hands, wrapped around his neck, crushing the life out of him...

He nods, audibly gulping, but not out of fear, out of need. "Yes."

He lets go of my cheeks and trails his hands down my arms to my upper back, watching me as I touch his face, his nose, his lips. Slowly, I bring my lips to his. The kiss is soft, yet tender. Bucky is being so careful not to push me, not to go over any lines. I love how patient he is, how understanding and loving. If this whole process takes months or years, he won't care. If all I do is kiss him and hold his hand for that time, he won't care. If I am never the same person again, if I've been forever changed by this experience, which I fear I might be, he won't care. No one has ever loved so selflessly, so truly. Even now, after twenty three years of marriage, there are days I still can't believe he's real, that he's my husband. I'm so lucky.

"I love you, Bucky Barnes." I murmur against his lips.

He brushes his lips with mine, but barely, like a feather gently gliding over my lips. "I love you, too, Soroya Roberts."