Chapter Four
Alex

I keep glancing at Jo as we unpack the boxes for Sam and Jade's living room. She's uncharacteristically quiet, has been for over a week now. She's unwrapping items and opening up boxes in a robotic like way, her lips pressed in a thin line, her eyes glazed over in thought.

"Peanut," I begin, reaching out and touching her hand, taking her out of her thoughts. "I think it's time we talk."

She acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. "About what?"

"You tell me."

She sighs, pushing the box away from her, plopping herself down on the floor, a deep huff releasing from her chest, fluttering her bangs. I sit down next to her, placing my hand on hers once again, though this time she holds it back.

"Quid pro quo, Dad," She responds after a minute. "You talk about what's bothering you and I'll talk about what's bothering me."

I release a huff of my own. "Fine. You first though."

She nods slowly, her voice lowering, her face hardening. "Uncle John's death was my fault. The Savage stabbed him, and when I went to go save him she stabbed me and my powers just stopped working. I could have pushed harder, I could have made my powers work, but I just fled like a coward. I left him to die, I left him and I can't forgive myself for it. He's dead because of me. And I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't blame myself, just like everyone else says, but it doesn't matter what you say. It won't make the guilt go away. I just have to live with it."

Guilt is poison to the heart, it keeps you from healing, keeps wounds open. Soroya said that once. Here I've been focusing on my own guilt when my daughter was dealing with it, too. I should have known she was blaming herself for what happened to John, but I've been too wrapped up in myself and Soroya to notice, notice that she's been suffering as much as we are.

"The only way you'll move on is if you forgive yourself, Jo." I whisper.

"I can't forgive myself."

"In time you will."

She shakes her head, beginning to tap her foot as she exposes the other source of her distress. "I've been thinking a lot about Daniel Fai, about Lorelei Clark...I shouldn't be giving either of them the time of day, I should want nothing to do with either of them..."

"But?"

"But I want to learn more about them. My mother was a horrible person who caused so much pain, but I want to know who she was before all that. Where was she born? What was her childhood like? Why did she pick such a horrible profession? And Daniel...I don't know if I can forgive him for what he did to our family, to our people, but I want to. Hanuman damn me, but I do. I want to learn more about him too, talk to him, learn more about myself. Up until a week ago I didn't know my birth name, didn't know my birth parents or where I came from. I still have so many questions. I know that's wrong."

"That's not wrong, not at all," I tell her earnestly, feeling like the worst father in the world. I've done a really shitty job at supporting my daughter as of late. "You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to get to know your birth parents, that's completely normal. Peanut, if you want to get to know Fai, then your baba and I will support you. That choice is entirely up to you."

"Really? You aren't mad?"

"Of course not. I just want you to be happy, Jo. If that's what you want, then I have no objections."

She smiles, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "Your turn."

I open my mouth to speak, but I quickly shut it again, not knowing how to put what's been going on with me into words. I don't even fully comprehend what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, so I just decide to wing it and hope it makes sense: "I had one job in HYDRA. They couldn't train me, couldn't control me, so they would beat me until I shifted and would make my animal form execute prisoners. It's not something I talk about a lot. It's the thing that's haunted me the most from my HYDRA days. When the Shifter took over my mind and body, he...he did what he did in HYDRA. At least back then I wasn't aware when it was happening, but this time I-I saw everything. I've spent many years trying to forget all of this, but the Shifter brought it all back. It's just been a lot."

I've only briefly talked with Jo about what I did in HYDRA, she knows better not to ask too many details. This is probably the longest I've talked about it with her, and the shock and pain in her face says it all. The sight makes a pang of pain ring in my chest. "I'm so sorry, Dad."

"I thought the Shifter was just a mindless animal, but then he turned against the Savage to save you. He sacrificed his own freedom for you, and it's made my feelings for him really complicated. I want to hate him, but I can't, not after what he did for you. I feel guilty for not hating him, for not wanting him gone. I should want to get rid of my powers after all the Shifter did...but I don't. I still want my powers, and I feel like a terrible person for it."

"You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to keep your powers, they're part of who you are. I still want to keep my powers even after they failed me, after I realized the responsibility that comes with powers like mine..." She trails off, looking down at her feet, her jaw clenching.

I lift her chin up with my free hand, my chest tightening when I see the despair in her eyes. "Jo, I owe you an apology. Your baba and I have been so distracted lately and we've left you to deal with this all on your own."

"It wouldn't be hard to deal with on my own if you had prepared me better," She admits, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Livy, Stevie, and Zy were all prepared for their futures, whatever that might be, but you both never prepared me. When everything went to hell I was thrown into a situation I wasn't prepared for, I was forced to be the shield between my family and danger and it was so hard. Maybe I could have saved Uncle John if I had been more prepared. You have no idea how much I've wanted to scream at both of you, but both of you have been so busy and I've seen you struggling and I didn't want to add on to any of that. But you know what, Dad? I'm pissed. I'm really fucking pissed and I'm done hiding it."

She tears her hand away from mine and stands up, not looking back at me or saying more as she exits the living room and then the house altogether.

-

Jade

Sam is currently unpacking our box of clothes while I tackle the big box of picture frames. We keep a lot of photos in our room, all our favorites. I have one of my parents that I took from the bakery, one of Sam and I when we first bought the bakery back, one of us with the kids, one with all our friends, and a lot of us with John. He lived with us for a little while after Livy was born, several months actually. It was fun having him with us, especially the days he tried his hand at baking, which he miserably failed at. When he wasn't doing that he would just hang out at the house, go site seeing, read. I miss those days, everything was so much more peaceful and simple.

Except it wasn't. We only thought it was peaceful because our minds had been erased by Theodore Fai and Lorelei Clark. We thought it was peaceful because that's what Ross and the UN wanted us to think.

I stare down at a photo of Sam, John, and I in front of Rosenberg castle in Copenhagen. It was a fun day, filled with laughter and memories I will cherish forever. But any memory I have after my memory was taken is now tainted. Here we were having fun and site seeing while hundreds of people were tortured and given powers they didn't ask for. We spent two decades of our lives blissfully ignorant of what horrors were going on in the government we served. For two decades we were sent on missions to capture enhanced people who were "too dangerous to be left alone" just like Naomi, Johnathon, and Matthew. We were basically our government's janitors, cleaning up the mess they created, getting rid of the people they hurt.

I don't know how long Sam has been staring at me, but when I finally glance up at him, I find his eyes already on me. Sam has always had the ability to know exactly what I'm thinking, now I think more than ever before. I know he's been going through the same memories in his head, feeling the guilt and anger set in, the pain.

"I wish we could have told him before he died. I wish he knew."

Knew the truth, knew that Ross had lied to us, that those three kids didn't die and grew up to be rebel leaders, leaders that would change the world for the better. "I do, too. More than anything."

"Naomi is bringing the enhanced people who need housing here. The ones who got out of jail and the ones from the F.E.P."

"We have to help them."

"I thought you'd say that."

"How can we not? Most of those people are in prison because we failed them. The rebellion formed in the first place because we couldn't stop PROJECT ENHANCED before the real damage was done."

By the look on Sam's face, I can tell this is exactly what Sam has been thinking too. Of course he would. John would too if he were here, if he were alive...

"You did all you could, honey," Sam urges softly. "If anyone could have tried harder it was me. I wasn't fast enough, I could have stopped those darts from hitting us. I wasn't fast enough."

"I killed all those guards," I whisper, the image surfacing in my mind: the distraction I made to let Naomi, Johnathon, and Matthew escape, the explosion I caused, the one that murdered an entire hallway full of people. "I swore I would never use my powers to kill again, but I did. I didn't even think, I just did it. I killed dozens of people without a thought, what kind of person does that make me?"

"You were trying to save the kids."

"But at what cost?"

"They were helping the scientists torture all those people. They were apart of PROJECT ENHANCED."

"They deserved to go to jail, not die. I'm not an executioner, that's what I was in HYDRA and I swore I would never be one again. But I did. And I didn't care."

"You didn't have enough time to care, or to think. You acted and that's okay," He tells me, taking the picture frame and setting aside, holding my hands between his, looking down at them like they're precious jewels, sacred treasures. "Those guards weren't giving us time, we needed to distract them long enough to allow Naomi, Johnathon, and Matthew to escape and you gave us that distraction. You saved them. Yes there was a cost, but you still saved them."

"You don't know what it was like in HYDRA," I whisper, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. "I was forced to kill innocent people every single day against my will. I was used as a weapon. Though the people I killed at the base that day weren't innocent, they were still human beings. I was a weapon once again, but this time I made the choice to do it. I know you want to tell me it's okay and I made the right choice but I didn't. I'm just going to have to live with my choice."

Sam brings my hands up to his lips, kissing my knuckles delicately. "We're both going to have to live with our guilt from that day, but we'll bare the weight of it together."

My hands are still in his so I can't wipe away my tears as they begin to fall. I get the strong urge to recoil my hands away from him, hide them, treat them like the dangerous weapons they are. But I don't. Sam gathers me against him, wrapping one arm around my waist while keeping one hand firmly grasping mine, pressing my fingers right over his heart.

"I miss him," I whisper against the crook of his neck. "So much."

Sam nods, his voice raw and thick as he replies: "Me too."