Nothing says productiveness like sitting in your home and watching your dog sleep. I usually eat when I'm bored, but I just finished eating. Our adorable little puppy, Driver, snores so loud sometimes he wakes himself up.
I rise from my couch to pee again, since that's all I've been doing these past seven months.
Peeing, throwing up, craving unusual foods.
I've been conquering my pregnancy in my hometown of Kentucky.  
Carrying an unborn child around with you everywhere you go is a challenge in itself.
But having him be away from me for so long is sometimes unbearable.

My mother does make a huge effort to help me, but sometimes she can't always stay for long. She has a job to attend to.
My friends whom I've met shooting my hunger games movies; Sam and Willow, see me a couple times a week. I always try not to let my pregnant mood swings show when they come around to visit.
Then there's always that one friend who says to man up and get over it. That would be my friend Laura.
You try being seven months pregnant, with the father of your unborn child in the military, deployed in Iraq. At least, that's where I think he is.
I have told myself not to think about where my baby actually is, because it would cause a meltdown. There's also me taking a break from filming movies due to maternity leave.

Only Josh knows the gender of our child. Even I don't know yet. I wanted him to know first.
It's very likely he won't be here for my labor, so I've gone through hell to get a letter to him, along with the results from my doctor's visit.
If that letter gets to him, then he will finally know that I'm having his baby.
I found out I was pregnant the week he left, a good seven months ago. Talk about bad timing.
Every day I am afraid he won't come home to me.
I feel tears down my cheeks as I drift off to sleep.

I wake up in the mid-afternoon, and decide to shower, (and pee again.) I slip on my shoes with much difficulty before grabbing my car keys and heading out to buy a new formfitting dress for my baby shower tomorrow.
Everyone has been telling me how excited they are for me to have this baby. I'm beyond excited, too. I've just been a real road kill since I found out, because of my boyfriend's mandatory absence. Perhaps this baby has been keeping me sane this entire time.
I walk past the isle where I used to shop for my clothes before I became fat.

Jennifer, you are not fat, you're pregnant.

I assure myself as I search the maternity clothes.
Something Josh would say to me if I called myself fat.
He will always think I'm beautiful.

I eventually start to look at a couple of dresses.
A purple dress that ends all the way above my feet sticks out to me.
Joshy's favorite color.

I take the purple dress off the rack and head to the dressing room.
The lady at the changing rooms smiles sadly at me.

"Mommy-to-be?" she just says.

"Yes," I say, smiling politely, holding onto the dress I have yet to try on.

"Well, being a single mother is not easy I'll tell you. But a child is still so rewarding."

My smile drops instantly.

"Oh. I-" I'm at a loss for words.

"I am not a single mother. My boyfriend's just-"

The woman just looks at me, waiting for me to finish.

"Deployed." I say, softly.

"Oh, honey." She comes out from behind the counter and pulls me into a hug.
Only because I am so lonely for affection, I gently hug this stranger back.

"It's okay to cry sweetheart."

"Don't be silly." I say.
I've done enough of crying already.
I don't need to break down in front of this lady.

"What is your name, love?"

"Jennifer." I awkwardly answer.
She doesn't recognize me.

People walk by and stare a little bit at the very pregnant woman being held onto by the crazy dressing room lady.

"Nothing to see here! Single momma coming through!" The lady yells, pushing everyone else aside for me to walk.

People who clearly know who I am see me and are excited.

"Hi Jennifer!" A couple of them wave as they walk past.

"Hi, how are you? " I smile, trying to draw the attention away from this lady's yelling.

"These people know I am not a single mother."
I mumble to the lady who had my hand in her grasp.

She floods me with questions.

"Oh! How far along are you? Is it a boy or girl? Do you know what college she will go to? Have you had a baby shower yet? I would love to come! I would invite you to come swimming at my home, but I would have a baby shower gift to buy!"

I look at her questionably.

"Swimming?" I chuckle.

"Oh it's an indoor pool, don't be silly!" She mocks my words.

I answer the rest of her questions honestly. About how I don't know the sex of my baby, and how I am shopping for a dress for my shower tomorrow.

She sits outside the dressing room overly excited. You would think she's been my friend for years. I try on my purple dress. It is formfitting like I wanted it to be. It ends just where you can see my toes peek out as I wear my sandals. My bump is super noticeable, and I take a photo in the mirror to show Josh when he comes home.

She proceeds to tell me I look stunning and I almost believe it.
Josh was always the one with compliments.
He made me believe him every single time.

The lady tries to make me take the dress with no charge.
I insist on paying for it, since she's only the dressing room attendant.
Turns out her name is Alice.
She invited herself to my babyshower, which I don't really mind. It's nice to make a new friend, but I have to admit she's crazy.

But if you met me, I'm crazy too.

She practically forced my cell phone number out of me, and I gave her the details to my shower. One more present can't hurt, right?

I finally bid her goodbye and head home, after literal hours of being in her presence. I rest on my sofa and kick my sandals off, letting Driver up on my lap.
His head rests on my swollen, growing stomach, and I smile.

For once, I'm comfortable. And I don't have to pee.
I do take the picture frame off of our coffee table and look at the picture of Josh and I.
I run my fingers gently over the old photo, and bring it to my chest.

Josh is going to be an excellent father.

I end up falling asleep, with my boyfriend close to my heart.

-
I wake up in the same position I drifted into my nap. As I pour dog food into Driver's bowl, my cell phone rings.

It's an unfamiliar phone number.

"Hello?"

"Jenni!" Alice shouts into the phone.

I am taken aback by the sudden nickname. Only Josh calls me that. Mostly as a funny pet name. But still, I don't want this girl ruining the pet name my boyfriend claims he has on me.

"You mean Jennifer? This is Jennifer." I correct her, trying to keep a sweet tone with her.
Together, Alice and I hold a conversation, as any two friends would.
I walk around my house as I listen to her talk to me. I put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and sweep any bookshelf from dust.
Listening to her babble about pregnancy and her take on it is interesting.
She tells me about her life over the phone, too.
Her two year old son Chase is the light of her life, so she tells me.
Her husband has passed away, and I tell her how sorry I feel for her.

We carry on a meaningful conversation.
I tell her about my profession as an actress, and inform that once my baby is born, I'm going back to my home in California to raise him or her. I'm only in Kentucky because I'm within reach of both mine and Josh's parents. 
Alice says she is also a soldier in the military, she just recently got back and is reunited with her child. I can't imagine how hard that must be to leave your son while you are deployed.

She later on says that I should get rest for my shower tomorrow, and I agree. She tells me how excited she is for my shower, and bids me goodnight and the call disconnects.
I run my fingers against the wall as I climb up the steps to my home in Kentucky. My parents remain in their own home a few blocks away.
As I reach Josh and I's bedroom, I open our closet and see Josh's clothes on the hanger neatly.
I chuckle. I don't remember placing them in here, he must have done it. Back at our normal house in LA, I am always the one to fold his clothes and hang them up.
He washes them, and I do the deed of putting them away. It always just worked for us.
I look around his closet and take a pair of his sweatpants and slip them on. I grab one of his oversized shirts and pull it over my head. The vanilla smell that his clothes give off immediately comforts me.
I take Josh's baby yellow blanket that he's had since he was an infant and wrap it around myself.
Him and I have just recently found it at his mother's house before he left. It's been missing for years, he tells me.
I crawl into our bed and bury myself in our white comforter. I fall asleep on his side of the mattress because it smells more like him.
I whisper goodnight to Josh and my baby before fatigue takes over me.

Willow comes to my house early in the morning to get me ready for my baby shower.
It's going to be held at Josh's mothers house.
I shower, and slip into my dress and Willow helps me put dress sandals on.
She sits me down and begs for me to do her hair and makeup, whereas she does mine. She curls my now long blonde hair, and I straighten her shoulder length hair.
Our makeup is nothing too dramatic, I just apply some expensive products on her face that has been given to me by Elizabeth after filming the last hunger games movie.
Me being close friends with a fifteen year old girl is basically like having a little sister. She's the sibling I've always wanted. We have a great time together in the morning making pancakes, French toast, bacon and sausages.
We sit at the table and talk about crazy things while also drinking orange juice.

The time to leave comes around, and Willow and I head out to my car to drive to Union Kentucky, the house where Josh grew up.
The ride there is super fun, as we listen to music from every different genre, even musical theatre.

As we finally pull up, there's nowhere to park with the shit ton of cars surrounding the house. Everyone is already here?
I know for a fact it's not a surprise party.
We finally find a spot to park on the side of the road, and I unbuckle my seatbelt. The belt swings up fast hitting me in the face.
Willow laughs at me as she unbuckles, but it hits her face too.
"Who's laughing now?" I chuckle, closing the car door.

"Who did you say was bringing the cake again?" Willow asks me.

"I don't know actually. Josh's mother just told me everything is taken care of."

Michelle opens the door with tears in her eyes.

"Why you look so beautiful today Jen."
She wraps her arms around me.

"It's so good to see you, I've missed you."
I hug Josh's mom.

Everyone greets Willow and I as we work our way through the house.
The backyard is where most of the party is held.
There are lovely decorations hung around the back porch.

I spot Josh's brother Connor and make my way over to him. What is he doing here?

"Hey little Joshua." I say, engulfing him into a hug.
Baby showers are usually girly things.

"Hey Jen." He lets go and grins at me.

"Josh must be so proud of you." He tells me.

I ruffle his hair and smile.

"Well, I was only stopping by for a quick hello. Have a wonderful time today."

As I continue my greetings, I catch my friends and family up and tell them how I've been coping.
We talk, eat, and have a relaxing afternoon.
The more I interact with Josh's wonderful family, the more I miss him and his smile.

I spot my mom talking to Michelle.

"You and I will make great grandmothers." My mother states.

"And mother-in-law's."
I waddle over to them.
As they speak about Josh to me, I find myself becoming excited to be on this topic.
I know Josh like the back of my hand.
They don't speak of his absence, just him in general.
His childhood, his love for me, his best buddies, all various subjects.

I excuse myself and head back inside the house.

I walk through the kitchen, where Jena and Willow are adjusting desserts for later.

"Where you going, big mama?" Willow jokes.

"Upstairs, would you like to come with me?" I ask.

"Sure."

She lets me go first as I waddle my way up the stairs.

"You know I'll miss being a penguin." I state.

"But you'll have a baby penguin." Willow giggles.

She asks me why we came up here, and I show her.

I come to a door in the hallway that has posters all over it.

"Follow me." I open the door and right away his scent overpowers me, in a good way.

I gasp at the scenery. Just how I always remembered it.
My bare feet slide across the soft carpet and his bed is not made. His comforters lay across the mattress, but there is no sign of any clothing on the floor. He at least tried to clean his old bedroom before moving in with me.
His shelves and dressers are cleared off, all belongings now at our home in LA.

"This is Josh's old room, isn't it?"

I forget Willow is standing there looking around just like me.

"Yeah." My voice cracks.

"It's all going to be okay. He will love this baby so much." Willow assures me.

"I won't argue." I lay on his bed and stare at the ceiling.

We exchange embarrassing stories about Josh and on set.
She then cartwheels onto the bed beside me.

"I can so do that." I scoff.

"I'm sure you can with little penguin in there." She comments.

After going downstairs and socializing, Josh's mother announces dessert.

Willow and I help set up the cookies, cupcakes, more baked goods, and other things as my mother lets Alice through the back door with a gift box which seems to be bigger than my pregnant self. You could ship me to another country in it.
Many family members help her and are super gentle with it.

"Oh darling! So good to see you!" Alice wraps her arms around me and introduces herself to Willow.
As I introduce her as a friend of mine to my family, everyone welcomes her with open arms.
I get confused as time goes on and I see her and Willow exchanging whispers.
I smile to myself and continue setting the table. Must be a girl thing.
"Hey mom. Where's the cake you said you bought? You had me pick it out." I say to her as she places chocolate covered pretzels onto a nice tray.

"I'm sorry my dear, we don't have the cake."

My spirit drops a little, I was looking forward to my favorite cheesecake.

"Oh that's okay, mom. We have so many other things to eat. Sure enough I'll have one of everything."

"Alright sweetie," she chuckles.

As we are about to serve dessert to everyone, I hear Alice make an announcement I don't quite hear.
Then, Connor and my father somehow show up here and lift Alice's huge box together and bring it over to me.
What's going on?

Alice then starts to speak.

"Now, I haven't been friends with yah Jennifer for very long, but let me tell you. I've heard enough about you to last a lifetime. For those who don't know, which is all of yah, I was deployed with the one and only Josh, and we've become good friends over the past five months I've known him. I got to return home early due to illness. I am better now, don't worry. I just want to say Jennifer, I know the gender of your baby. But I know you want Josh to be the one to tell yah so I won't. But please do the honor of opening my present before we begin dessert."

I thank her and hug her as everyone claps.
I didn't know Josh had met Alice. Thousands of questions run through my head. I know now that Josh has befriended this girl on his own, and it makes her feel closer to me.
Alice smiles at me and waves for me to open the box.
Maybe it's a new stroller or a crib? Why is it so big?
It takes me a while to open it, and everyone watches in anticipation as they film me on their cellphones.
Everyone looks as confused as I do. Alice stands there with a big warm smile.
I finally manage to get the box open with a pair of scissors, and I open the two flaps on the box.

My heart drops to my stomach as I see one thing in there I'm in love with so dearly.
The vanilla bean cheesecake I wanted to have for today.

Being held by my one true love.
Tears happen so fast. I can't move. I'm frozen looking at his freshly shaved face.
I stand there gaping like a fish, my brain is obviously tripping me out.

No, that's him.

"I heard someone wanted some cake!" he giggles.

The first words I've heard him say in over seven months.
I take a look at the cake in his hands and examine it. It has baby blue frosting and a picture of a baby rattle. I read the words through my teary vision:

It's a boy!

Josh and I. We're having a baby boy.
I cover my mouth and a sob escapes.
Willow, the makeup is waterproof I hope.
Someone instantly takes the cake from Josh and holds it up. Everyone claps rapidly and cheers.
There's nothing that can come between Josh and I except for the stupid box he's still standing in.
I practically fall into his chest the second he steps out of it.
You have absolutely no idea how overwhelming this all is to me.
I ramble and cry about how much I love and missed him.
He finally silences my cries with his lips finding mine.
His hands find their way to my stomach for the first time.

Josh's eyes find mine and his smile is so big, mirroring mine.

"You're still so beautiful." Tears spring his eyes and drip down his face.

Odd bird-like sounds come from my mouth as I crash my own lips to his again.

"We're having a boy!" I cry.

I take a look at what he's wearing. It's a tailored black suit with my favorite color, gold, as his bow tie.

"There's something I've wanted to ask you for years."

He places the hair in my face behind my ear and takes a short breath. Knowing we have a big audience.

I would think he would be doing anything else when he got down onto one knee. It adds up to me now. More weird sounds come from me while he speaks. Good job Jen.

"Jennifer. With you literally pushing your way into my life has been the best thing that could ever happen to me. You're just like me in every way, but so different at the same time. I've been away from you for too long, and I now promise to never leave your side. When I got that letter from you on a cold day in January, I watched helpless while Alice assisted a woman giving birth. I made myself a promise that day, to actually help you birth this damn baby.."

he pauses for a second for everyone to laugh, including me through tears.

He continues,
"You'll never really know how deep my love is for you. My heart is only perfect because you have a special place inside. After surviving 7 excruciating months without your beautiful smile and swooning affection, it would only be right for me to ask to spend the rest of my life with you."

He lets go of my hands to pull a small box from his pocket.
Outstretched in his hand is a small, diamond ring.

"Will you marry me?"

I have to take a moment to wipe my eyes and regain vision to look at him.
I'm in such a vulnerable position I barely breathe while responding.

"Yes! I can't think of anything I want to do more than spend the rest of my life with you."

My lips meet his before he has the chance to stand. He slips the ring on my finger still kissing me. His hands find my pregnant waist and he stands up, placing his forehead onto mine.

Before I know it, Willow rushes over to us, knocking over chairs and nearly tables.
She starts a group hug which consists of Elizabeth, Jena, and other friends I won't put a name to.
After a few more heartwarming minutes, we start dessert. Josh and I can finally be inseparable once again.

I find Alice helping to set the tables.
I embrace her in an awkward pregnant hug.

"I didn't know. I really didn't." I proclaim still teary eyed.

"Darling, no one here knew." she giggles.

We watch as Josh is greeted by long missed hugs and kisses.

It all seems surreal, and before I blink twice, everyone is already piling out the doors.

After Josh helped me open my gifts, we spent the rest of the afternoon catching Josh up on events and things he missed.

Overall, this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I hope I'm not dreaming.
As soon as the word got out to Sam, he came stampeding through the door, not caring that the guests have left.

He grabs him by his shirt and hugs him, crying like a baby.

"Your girl is having a baby, man! Little Joshua is going to be a baby daddy!" Sam screams at the top of his lungs.

This earns a laugh from my parents and Josh's.

Willow cackles, as she helps Connor put my gifts in the car.

We leave some presents at Josh's mom's house, claiming we will retrieve them this week.

Josh gets in the drivers seat after we say goodbye to our family, and we drive Willow home.

She congratulates us again, and we head back to our home in Kentucky.

Even though I've probably gained over 100 pounds, he still carries me through the front door.

Even me being my size now, Josh still acts like nothing changed since he left. Meaning he gives me a romantic night.

May 8th

"Holy shit!" I scream, which radiates throughout the hospital room. It's yet again another contraction. HOW MANY HAVE I HAD? SURELY OVER 100 BY NOW?

"She's ten centimeters! She's ready." Is what I hear the nurse say.
Little did I know it would be the most excruciating pain of my life.

He holds my hand through it all. I squeeze it to the point where he's screaming in pain with me.

I feel him brush the hair out my sweaty face multiple times while I scream my head off.

"He's almost out, Jennifer!" My mother screams in excitement.
She holds my other hand, while I hear cries mixed with my own.

Those are his cries.

Wait, no. It's just Josh crying. Damn you.

But a few painful minutes later I hear a different cry. A high pitched scream fills the room and I know it's our baby.

Before I know it, I'm breathing normal again, and I'm finally handed my baby in a blue blanket. He is 6 pounds and one ounce, I am told.
I force Josh to sit next to me in the hospital bed. Josh tries to stop crying but can't. He wipes his eyes with his thumbs and then my sleeve.

"Don't cry honey." I laugh.

He giggles faintly, and kisses my lips.

My mother runs her fingers through Josh's hair and hands him a tissue.

"Come on Joshy. The baby isn't even crying, see?" I whisper.

Josh stares in awe at me holding him, and hides his face in my neck.

"He's so beautiful."

"So is our family." I tell him.

After gushing over his facial features, Josh gently takes him from my arms and I've only seen Josh look this happy one other time, which was when I told him I loved him.

Willow is first in line to visit. She said she'll hold off on holding him so that Josh can have his time first.

Josh walks over to Willow and whispers,

"This is Willow. You'll understand how wonderful she is one day. She'll be a big part of you life."

Willow smiles wide, tears threatening to spill.

"Have you got a name yet?" She whispers.

Josh's parents come in next.

My mother takes him from Josh and we think for a moment.

I look at Josh.

"Kieran."

I think we secretly have telepathy, because we both said it at the same time.

"That's a wonderful name!" Josh's mom says.

"Kieran Ryan Hutcherson." I say. Beautiful ring to it.

This is the start of a new chapter in my life. And I'm beyond happy I get to spend it with my hero.

I'd like to dedicate this to my best friend alli. I love you.