Part 20

Drops of moisture fell to the table from the glass of spanish latte in my hand. Natunaw na ang yelo dito pero nanatili akong nakatanaw sa malayo.

Kayla was sitting opposite from me on a round marble table of a tiny coffee shop near the university. She waved her hand in front of me to pull my attention back to the conversation.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you even listening?" She asked with her eyebrows scrunched together. I've been spaced-out most of the conversation and Kayla isn't exactly the type of person who has a lot of patience.

"Yes, of course!" I insisted.

She rolled her eyes at me before sighing. Binalik niya ang tingin sa screen ng nakabukas na laptop sa mesa. On one of the open tabs was a website where university students can apply for internships.

For the last couple of weeks, ito ang pinagkakaabalahan namin. We were no longer just students after all. It's our last year in our course and we should be thinking of the future like everyone else. And there's a certain company I've been dreaming of working in since I took this course.

"Look here," pointed Kayla to the screen. Nakita ko ang pangalan ng company sa listahan ng mga tumatanggap ng interns. Stellar Media and Publishing. "It's the publishing company you were talking about since last year. Akala ko ba gusto mong mag-apply?"

I did. It was my dream. I used to be excited about it too. To work for the magazine with the people I admire and idolize. To create articles that can inspire teenagers and guide young adults through life, just like the articles I used to read.

They were a huge reason I took communication studies. I wanted to reach out to people like me who grew up having no one to turn to and learn from, other than the words I read through books and magazines.

I've waited for this moment... it's just that... I'm slowly losing the motivation to do anything. If not for Kayla who had been forcing me, I would probably no longer attend my classes. Life has been too tiring lately.

"I'll submit both of our applications," decided Kayla. May iba pa siyang sinabi pero wala ng nagr-retain sa isip ko. Sinilip ko ang phone ko sa ilalim ng mesa. Still no call or text from home.

It's been 2 weeks since I left the house. After years of pushing it back for the sake of our family's image, Dad finally decided to go through the annulment process. Since then, Mom had been contacting me nonstop, wanting me to leave the country with her.

But it would be hell. It would be hell for sure. But can I leave my mother behind? Is it the right thing to do?

"Iniisip mo pa rin ba ang dapat mong gawin?"

Bumaling ako kay Kayla. Nakatitig siya sa akin, nag-aalala. Funny how she rarely gives away her emotions, but when she does, she can make me tear up by merely asking a question.

Sinasabi ko sa kanya ang lahat, about my fucked-up family life, including this decision I could no longer avoid.

"She's thinking of France or maybe Italy," I said, referring to my mother's decision. "Nothing is finalized yet. I'm not even sure if she has an absolute plan."

Resting my chin against my palm, humarap akong muli sa labas ng bintana kung saan naglalakad ang ilang grupo ng mga estudyante mula sa university. I watched them, but my mind was elsewhere.

I've been this way since I left home the night Sancho found me in the bar, drinking alone. To think I would rather die than to spend another day in that house with Mom, and yet she's making me decide to leave the country with her. The pressure and guilt from the annulment was a metal chain slowly wrapping around my throat.

That evening, I walked through the dim corridor of a small apartment complex. I used the spare key to unlock the door before heading inside a small and cramped unit. I placed my bag on a chair in a room used for both living and dining.

Noong unang mga araw ko sa apartment, I couldn't get myself to be comfortable. The place was smaller than my room at home and I felt stifled because of my fear of enclosed places. But I was starting to get used to it somehow.

Dumeretso ako sa kama. Pabagsak akong humiga with my face hitting the pillow. What should I do? I no longer know. Can I cease to exist to stop the pain that's been drilling a hole through my chest? It feels like I have no right to feel this way when other people have been through worse. But why does it hurt so bad that I couldn't breathe?

The rattling sound of keys twisting the doorknob woke me up. Sumulyap ako sa bintana. Madilim na sa labas. Did I take a nap? I wasn't sure. But I was aware I wasn't asleep. My thoughts were wide awake.

I removed the school ID that was still hanging around my neck and placed it on a nearby table. Nagtungo ako sa living room where Sancho had just entered the apartment. He placed a paper bag on the small dining table. I watched him with a downcast gaze. I haven't seen him in his own apartment in the past few days.

Sumulyap si Sancho sa akin. "I brought pizza and fried chicken," he said. "Kumain ka na ba?"

He brought out the food from the paper bag and prepared the table for both of us to eat together.

It was embarrassing to admit that I had nowhere to go. I had my cards declined on the same day I ran away from home and I couldn't share the burden with Kayla who was living with her aunt.

The only thing working for me were the pieces of jewelry I was wearing the day Sancho found me at the bar. I could rent a small place with the money I got from pawning them, but Sancho was worried about my safety so he offered his place saying he's barely in the apartment.

Somehow, it was the truth. He was indeed rarely home. They've been busy with the band adjusting to a new management. Their rehearsals and gigs usually lasted until midnight and the band's career was slowly kicking off. But I knew Sancho well enough. He was trying his best to make my stay less uncomfortable by staying outside longer.

Umupo ako sa silya habang tahimik siyang pinagmamasdan.

"Sorry I can't cook for you right now," he said. "Pero kailangan mong kumain. Ayokong magkasakit ka."

He placed the plate of food in front of me. "Hindi ito mamahaling pizza galing sa restaurant na madalas mong kainan. But I'll buy you better meals next time—"

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

Bago ako umiwas ng tingin, nasulyapan ko ang pagkunot ng kanyang noo habang nakatitig sa akin. "Why do you keep apologizing whenever I see you these days?"

Lumapit siya sa akin. I felt the warmth of his hand as he gently tilted my head up to stare at him. "Hey, chin up. The Eula I know never lowers her gaze."

Umiling ako habang hawak niya pa rin ang aking mukha. "I'm sorting things out," I mumbled. "I might be able to leave before the end of the week."

It was a lie. I haven't decided on anything yet. I barely have options. But I need to assure Sancho that I no longer have to bother him.

"Saan ka pupunta?"

Hindi ako sumagot. I clasped my hands together under the table. "I promise I'll eventually leave."

Sancho stared at me with confusion and sadness in his eyes. "What are you saying, Eula?"

"You should not pity me too much. I want you to still remember me... as your number one fan."

Sancho grabbed both of my shoulders. Mahigpit niya akong hinawakan habang nakatitig kami sa mukha ng isa't-isa. "Pity?" He exclaimed. "Does this look like pity to you?"

I blinked back the stinging tears from the corner of my eyes. "I'll get back on my feet." My voice trembled. "I can support the band again—"

"Eula!"

Tuluyang tumulo ang luha ko habang nakatitig kay Sancho. He was shaking my shoulders as if trying to shake the senses back to me. But I couldn't... I could no longer see anything except this suffocating pain.

Mahigpit akong niyakap ni Sancho. The warmth from his arms wrapped around me like a blanket. He embraced me as if his arms could mend together all my broken pieces.

"Sancho, I hate who I am becoming... I hate this hole in my chest like I'm being swallowed whole. Sancho, I hate it so much it's killing me."

He brushed the side of my face with his calloused palm. "Eula, calm down," he whispered to my ears.

"Please take the pain away," I pleaded with tears in my eyes. "I don't want to feel this. I'm scared to feel this."

Dumampi ang kanyang labi sa aking noo sa isang banayad na halik bago muli niya akong niyakap.

"It's alright. I'm here. I won't go anywhere."

—

I woke up with a startle. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko nang maalala ang aking panaginip. I've been dreaming about him again, and the past both of us were trying to escape from.

I sat on the soft wide bed and stared at my room. I was back in the condo but in my head, I was still in the small apartment unit from my memories.

Dumako ang tingin ko sa bote ng gamot sa bedside table. Muli akong kumuha ng tableta at nilunok ito. I grabbed the water bottle and took a huge gulp. I stared at the time on my phone. Still one o'clock in the evening.

It's been weeks since I started taking my meds again. Hindi na bumalik sa dati ang tulog ko. I was awake most nights and sleepy during the daytime. I mostly rely on my meds to sleep.

Muli akong humiga at pinikit ang mga mata ko. Kinapa ko ang kwintas sa aking leeg. Good. It's still here. It was the necklace I was wearing years ago when I ran away from home. It was the necklace I pawned when I was left with no choice. Sancho bought it back for me as a gift during my college graduation. Back then, I didn't know it was the last gift I'd receive from him.

Kinabukasan, naghanda ako para pumasok sa office. I took with me an insulated tumbler brimming with brewed coffee. There's no lack of sleep a strong coffee won't fix.

I placed my things on the passenger's seat of the car. While heading out of the parking lot, I glanced at the backseat from the rearview mirror. I remembered that late afternoon in the parking lot where I slept soundly on Sancho's lap on the backseat of my car and how he waited for me to wake up so he could drive me back to my condo so I could rest.

But I stopped before things spiraled down again. After that day, I didn't contact him again even though he basically gave his number so he could check on me. I won't allow it. I couldn't risk being connected to him again.

For the past week, I've been working on several articles about Philippine museums and famous art pieces. I've been visiting quite a few museums in the process and I still had a few left on my list.

Mas gusto ko ito. Walang ibang iniintindi kundi ang trabaho. I can focus on my articles the entire day and let the words consume me. Hopefully, my days will eventually return to normal.

So I thought.

That afternoon, I was called to Ms. Cee's office— my Editor in Chief. I grabbed my iPad before heading to her just in case it was about a new project.

Nakangiti si Ms. Cee pagpasok ko sa office. I sat in front of her desk, confused. I often only see this expression from her before something bad or good happens. It all depends on the bomb she's about to detonate.

"How are you doing lately?" She asked. She was beaming, hands clasped under her chin as she surveyed me from her purple desk.

"Good?" Pleasantries are overrated in this office. I would rather hear what's really going on.

There was a pause before her next statement as if she's about to announce a game show winner. "A record label contacted our bosses to scout you," she finally said. "They want you to be their publicist."

I looked at her with suspicion. "Record label?"

"It's Saint Claire's label!"

I froze from my seat. Tuluyan akong hindi nakasagot. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang titigan si Ms. Cee. Pero tila inaasahan na niya ang reaction ko.

"You were referred to by the band's manager. They must have really admired the way you handled the situation and cleared things up for them during the parking lot incident weeks ago." Ms. Cee even had a proud look on her face. Oh my God!

"That's purely coincidental," I insisted. "I had all the resources to clear things up, that's why I did. There was nothing admirable about it!"

Ms. Cee, upon seeing my desperation to avoid the proposal, sighed heavily. "Euls, show business is a tight industry where everyone knows everybody. The more capable you are, the higher the chance companies want to pull you in."

Tumaas ang kilay ko. "So you're firing me?" I pointed out.

She chuckled. "Don't be silly. You're my master article producer. I won't give you up so easily."

The desperation from my voice was becoming more and more apparent as the conversation dragged on. "So, what is it then?"

Nanatiling mahinahon si Ms. Cee habang nakaupo sa executive chair. I can't believe this! It took everything in me to avoid anything related to him and the band and now I'm on my way to being one of the people working with him?

Ms. Cee cleared her throat to pull my attention back to the conversation. "I had a meeting with the bosses yesterday. They want you to be an on-call publicist."

Napatayo ako. "An on-call what?"

I was back at my desk. After the conversation in Ms. Cee's office, I couldn't pull myself back to my tasks. Ms. Cee put me in a tight position, leaving the final decision to me. She gave me until the end of the day to decide.

It's supposed to be simple. An on-call publicist only means my working time would be divided between the magazine and the band's activities.

Ms. Cee assured me that very little of my time will be occupied by me being a publicist. I only need to be informed of their schedule and official activities, do write-ups about them and keep my communications open at all times in case legal and public announcements were to be made. It was basically a side hustle with good pay.

But...it's Saint Claire.

Bigla kong naalala ang sinabi ni Ms. Cee bago ako umalis sa office niya kanina. "I know you're the best person for this position. You care for the band more than anyone."

She might already have an idea what's between me and Sancho, one of the band members of this freakin' famous band. But... am I going to risk my emotions again after years of successfully steering clear of each other?

Inabot ko ang phone ko at nag-open ng Twitter. I checked the tweets and hashtags mentioning Saint Claire. Most of the opinions were good. Fans are loyal to the band and casual listeners love their music and genre.

But there were a few negative posts about them too from people who can never be satisfied. Hindi ito mawawala. We're not responsible for everyone's happiness or satisfaction. If you try to please everyone, you might end up gaining their affection but losing yourself.

I don't want this to happen to the band. That's why every now and then, I check on them... especially Sancho. What he's doing, what he's posting about, what the fans think of him and his music. In those moments, I realized I still care about him and the band.

Their music saved me during my college days, after all. Sancho saved me from ruining myself. That's why I would do anything to assure nothing could ruin the band's career.

Even from a distance.

But now, I was presented with this opportunity to do exactly just that. Being the band's publicist might be the best way to protect their image. I can solve every issue that comes their way as part of my profession. I will no longer have to feel that crippling fear again— the fear of ruining Sancho's career.

But... allowing him to be part of my life again means the possibility of hurting him again.

***