"Hey gorgeous."

Gabriel was lounging on a bed much too large and lavish for the trashy motel room it was in.

Sam kicked the door shut behind himself, and toed off his pinching dress shoes. 

"Where's Dean?" he yawned. They had gone out on two separate cases in a town with apparently very bad luck.

Gabriel rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh come on, you wanna talk about your brother?" He made a lewd face, and stretched his body in a clear attempt at seduction.

Sam sighed, undoing his tie and throwing his FBI badge on the table. "I'm not going to fuck you if my brother's gonna walk in."

"You're no fun."

Sam stared at him.

"Fine! He's still out interviewing people on the witch lead. He's gonna be another hour and a half at least."

Sam nodded tiredly, unbuttoning his dress shirt.

"So...about that seduction then?"

Sam finished hanging up the suit and walked over to the bed. He leaned down to cup one of Gabriel's cheeks, and gave him a lingering kiss. 

"Not tonight, Gabe." He crawled into bed, sighing in relief as his aching body relaxed. He was the kind of tired that went all the way down to the bone.

"Okay," Gabriel accepted quietly, and wound himself around Sam like a squid, as he was often wont to do. He stroked a hand through Sam's long hair, lightly scratching at the scalp.

Sam pressed a grateful kiss to the top of Gabriel's head, which was already pressed against his face, and drifted off.

His thoughts went hazy and detached, and...he opened his eyes.

Sam breathed heavily and blinked at the ceiling, trying to ignore the ache in his chest.

That dream, while not technically a memory, might as well have been. It was too painfully similar to any number of actual memories, and it hurt that he could no longer have that.

Then he remembered that Gabriel was here. Gabriel was alive. Gabriel had used Sam's dreams to claw his way back. Gabriel had been in...Sam sat up straight.

"Gabriel!"

It was a shout, a prayer, an order. It didn't matter. Gabriel would hear him. Gabriel had better hear him.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" Gabriel appeared in front of Sam, fluttering his hands as if he wanted to make sure Sam was okay, but unsure if he was allowed to touch.

"Was that you?" Sam demanded.

"Was...what?" Gabriel's hands stilled as he caught up with Sam's brain.

"Was. That. You. Did you make me have that dream? Was that actually you in the dream?"

Gabriel felt weak for it, but he knew his face was showing his hurt again ⁠— even as he tried to contain it.

"No."

"Why should I believe you? Tell me the truth, Gabriel!"

"It was just a dream, Sammy." Gabriel said quietly.

"Don't," Sam shouted, standing up to loom over Gabriel, "call me that!"

Gabriel let out a flat laugh. "I'm not messing with your head, okay? I would never do that to you on purpose."

"Really? Because I thought you loved fucking with people's heads. It seemed like you enjoyed it before when you fucked with my head as the trickster."

"Not you! Not like this!" Gabriel exclaimed, throwing his hands out in frustration. "You think I would ever, ever want to make you question your own sanity? To put you in a position where you feel alone, and like everything is out of your control, and like your mind is slipping out of your own grasp?"

"What reason would I have to think you wouldn't?"

Gabriel looked positively stricken. Silence settled over the room for several moments.

"What. The fuck. Did you think the entire last year before I died was?" Gabriel yelled.

He took a step forward into his space, and jabbed a finger at his chest. "Do you think I watched over you for funsies? Did you think I just got the notion in my head one day that it'd be a real laugh to constantly fret over whether Sam Winchester," he sneered the name, "was okay? Do you think I did everything I did for you motherfuckers regularly out of charity? Do you really think I spent my nights with you because I couldn't find anything more entertaining to do?"

"I never claimed to know why you do anything, except for your own self preservation and amusement," Sam replied heatedly.

"You are so full of shit!" Gabriel's voice rose another octave. "Staying around you two is counter to self preservation! Going along with how everything had to be a secret from your crazy possessive brother because he'd flip, but doing it all anyway is the opposite of self preservation. I don't buy for a second that you really thought that I was just around for kicks!"

"Then enlighten me. Why were you so nobly around then?" Sam asked sarcastically.

"I don't know, Sam ⁠— why don't you look at your own goddamn dream? You thought it yourself: it's practically a fucking memory."

Sam's expression stayed shuttered.

"Because I care, dumbass!" Gabriel shouted. "Because I care about you! Because I give a shit how you feel, and what happens to you! Because I'm still fucking in love with you!"

Gabriel clenched his fists, as he continued. "You know this! You know these things! This was no secret! Maybe you can't read thoughts, but everything, everything I said and did for you showed you that. I don't know how I could have made it more clear!"

"Don't act like things were different than they were!" Sam shouted right back. "It's not like you'd wake me up with a 'good morning Sam, I love you,' or a 'hope that hunt goes well, I love you.' You were just always your normal douche-ass self, always just trying to make jokes and have a quick fuck."

"Oh right! Obviously I was in it for a quick fuck ⁠— duh! I mean, that's totally why I spent every night with you talking and lulling you to sleep, and healing you, and making sure you were as comfortable as you could be, when we didn't even have sex that often! Totally! Wow, I really see your point!" Gabriel gave a sharp, humourless laugh, and continued before Sam could reply.

"Is it the 'I love you's? Is that what you wanted to hear? Well, I love you Sammy! But newsflash: that was never the question. Loving people is easy, but staying around and trying to make something good out of it, that's the hard part! And that's what I was doing."

"You were not obvious, Gabriel," Sam thundered. "Do you know how much it fucked me up when you died? Do you know how fucked up I was over the fact that I cared at all? I thought you obviously didn't care, and you never take anything seriously, so why couldn't I just stop being so emotional about things that weren't even important or serious. You weren't supposed to be anything to me."

"Sorry, but that's completely fucking stupid. I really am sorry you felt that way, but nothing indicated we were just some no strings attached fling. It's not my fault that you didn't want to actually take a look at the situation you were in. It's not like I'd just appear at random, we'd have some mind blowing sex, and then I'd just snap off to somewhere else. No, I was there consistently. I was there for you when you needed me. I always stayed. This is a you thing."

"It doesn't even matter! None of this even matters when I still can't trust you, when it's still hard to even look at you, because of what you've done to my head. The panic that sweeps through me sometimes...and I'm still not sure it's unfounded. And it's because of you. Even say I believe you about not intending it, you've still done it."

"I know, and all I can do is apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, and I understand you having trouble dealing with me now because of it. I'm not trying to push anything, but I am telling you it's not fair to pretend I would want to do something like that intentionally. I'm not going to force you to be around me though. I do still care about you, and that means I'll give you your space ⁠— whatever you need."

Sam was silent for several long moments as his mind roiled, before he leaned down and kissed him softly and deeply. He stroked a thumb over Gabriel's cheek, as he pulled back and spoke quietly.

"Can we have this conversation again in a couple of weeks?"

"Yeah, sure thing Sammich." Gabe said a bit breathlessly. He raised his hand to snap, but Sam grabbed his wrist. He shook his head, and wrapped Gabriel in a bear hug.

"I'm happy you're not dead," he whispered into Gabriel's hair.

"Me too, kiddo. Me too."

⁠—

"It would not be helpful, nor would it be a particularly good idea to approach him about it!" Castiel insisted.

His patience with Dean was growing quite thin these days.

"It would be helpful to me!" Dean fumed. "So he was, what, fucking Gabriel for that whole last year? And hiding it from me?"

"I believe he hid it precisely to avoid this reaction."

"I'm not mad because of what it was, I'm mad because he hid it."

"Really?" Castiel asked challengingly.

"Fine! No, I'd be fucking pissed anyway! But so what? I'm right to be. It's Gabriel. Sam hasn't exactly had the best judgement in terms of partners since Jess."

Cas gritted his teeth. "I'm sorry you find an angel to be such a horrifying match for your brother."

"All of them are massive dickheads, why would I want my brother with an angel?"

Castiel's stare went flat. He clenched his jaw and leaned away.

"Just leave your brother alone. Sam doesn't need this right now, he's just trying to get back on stable ground. It's not his fault that you were eavesdropping on things you weren't meant to hear."

"I couldn't help but hear! They were yell⁠—"

Castiel disappeared before Dean could even finish responding.

⁠—

Sam laid back on his bed, twirling a wrapped lollipop in his fingers. He could still faintly taste Gabriel's lips. The taste of coffee cake lingered tantalizingly just as it had the first time. Sam briefly wondered if Gabriel had remembered and somehow done it on purpose.

He tapped the sucker against his mouth as he thought. He really was glad Gabriel was back, even if this was how it had had to happen. Unfortunately, it still didn't make Sam certain he was actually sane most of the time. Over the past few days, he'd had several instances where a cold feeling had washed over him, and he'd been briefly certain that Gabriel wasn't really back at all and he'd just been hallucinating.

Sam hated how particular he had to be about double and triple checking reality with as many of his senses as possible. It felt like walking around half still in a dream, where everything was a bit surreal and it was hard to tell up from down.

It wasn't that he resented Gabriel, but Gabriel's presence brought that unsteady feeling on full force. He'd spent eight years dealing with Gabriel being dead, and encouraging his little pseudo-hallucinations to pretend he wasn't, so now that he actually wasn't, Sam's mind was in constant turmoil trying to reconcile the facts.

Quite honestly, he'd missed Gabriel more than he would've cared to admit before their little conversation. His skin was still glowing from their contact that morning, and while it had eased his aching in some ways, in others it made it worse. Now that he'd finally gotten to touch again, it felt cruel to have had to let go.

"Gabriel," he prayed aloud tentatively. "I changed my mind. Can you come here?"

"What's up Sam-a-lam?"

Sam opened his arms, and Gabriel gave him a quick measuring look before clambering onto the bed and fitting himself up against Sam's side.

"Missed you," Sam mumbled, stroking a steady hand over Gabriel's back. "Really, really missed you."

Gabriel hummed contentedly. "So what changed?"

Sam shrugged. "Nothing really, I'm still just...seeing how things are gonna go." He glanced at Gabriel out of the corner of his eye, and added slyly, "And we haven't had any spectacular resurrection sex yet."

"Well, you sure do know how to catch my attention." Gabriel tilted his head up for a kiss, and Sam obliged.

"I should hope so," he answered, kissing down Gabriel's jaw, savoring the sticky sweet honey taste Gabriel had already left on his tongue. "I'd hate for you to miss any of the good parts."

⁠—

Sam couldn't keep his hands still. They jumped from place to place, running over Gabriel's hair, framing his face, soothing over his sides. Even as he laid otherwise still, mostly on top of Gabriel, he couldn't stop his hands from compulsively checking. Making sure he was real, solid.

He reveled silently in the slide of skin just a few degrees too warm under his palms.

"Gabe?"

"Hmm?"

"You're sure this is real, right? You're not just in my head?"

"Yeah, Sammy. I'm real. Living and breathing. Right here." He ran a comforting hand over Sam's back, still slightly sticky with sweat.

"Good. Because I'm gonna beat you up if you're lying and you're actually still dead and I just had sex with a hallucination."

"No need, Sammykins, I'm the real deal. You think your made-up mind-Gabriel could fuck like that? I'm hurt, truly."

Sam huffed out a laugh. "Thanks."

"For the sex? Anytime!"

Sam laughed again, and ran his fingers around Gabriel's eyes. "You know what I meant."

Gabriel winked. "Of course, handsome. Why would I ever want you unsure if I, in my full magnificence, was here? To have you pass me up just because you didn't know I was here? I think not! A risk for a braver man than me."

He felt Sam smile against his chest, and smiled in response.

"You're too cute for such a ginormous, unwieldy thing."

Sam snorted. "And you flirt too much like a fifteen-year-old for a being literally older than the concept of mankind."

"Well that makes this sound super creepy. Talk about a cradle robber, eh?"

Sam covered Gabriel's entire face with one of his hands to silence him. "Shh, that's gross," he snickered.

Gabriel licked his hand, and Sam scoffed.

"I've had your spit all over me, and you think that's gonna make me move my hand?"

Gabriel's eyes took on a challenging sparkle, as he purposefully started to draw slow, swirling designs across Sam's palm with the tip of his tongue.

Sam tilted his head up from Gabriel's chest to stare at him, as he licked a deliberate stripe with the flat of his tongue.

"You are a menace," Sam muttered, and took his hand away. He hauled himself up on all fours to kiss Gabriel properly.

"Mmm, yeah, but I'm a hot menace." He worked both of his hands into Sam's hair as he explored his mouth.

"Hey S⁠— Oh! Fucking gross!"

Sam simply let all of his weight go, with little regard for the tiny angel beneath him. He was sturdy ⁠— he'd be fine.

"Get out, Dean," he groaned, refusing to look up.

"Done," Dean said, holding up his hands and turning around. He stepped out and closed the door. "We're talking about this later though!" he yelled.

"Great," he heard Sam sigh through the door.