Hardly feeling the bitingly cold shards of December wind that were dragging across my cheeks and making my eyes water, I walked out of the cinema foyer, numbness sweeping over me and engulfing me like a cloak of recollections. She was only going away for a few days, and yet the time already dragged, as if Death himself had turned the hourglass but, somehow, there was an obstruction in the middle.

Now that I thought about it, death didn't seem quite as scary as it had used to. "What's death like?" I wondered aloud as I fought against the cold, quickly checking if anyone had heard me. The street was deserted, devoid of cars as well as people, and this made me both relieved and afraid as I went back to wondering. What happened after death? I had been taught about various religious beliefs about life after death, but I had never really given the lessons much thought. I had always seen death as a speck in the distance, too far away to see, but now I wasn't so sure anymore. In my mind's eye I could see it looming menacingly over the horizon, seeming to get closer and closer with every passing day.

Surely it was unhealthy for a thirteen-year-old girl to be thinking this much about death, anyway? Even though I had been through the pain of someone else dying, the thought of what it was actually like had never occurred to me.

And then, finally, it struck me.

It was  unhealthy for a thirteen-year-old to think about death, especially in the way that I was thinking about it.

I needed help. More of it.

The numbness increased but I hardly noticed it; my emotions were struggling against the lid of a chained box and I hardly felt anything. So I'd accepted that I obviously needed help, but how to get it? The still-nameless specialist seemed like the only option; Mum wouldn't listen to me and I had already been to see Leo this week. Sighing, I walked on, past my road and towards the medical centre, logical thoughts still not managing to break through the chains that held them back. It was the strangest feeling-I thought of it as being trapped underwater while my brain was bobbing about on the surface above me- and I hadn't experienced it for years. I had used to get it all the time when I was little, and it had scared me, but I couldn't seem to put the feeling into an explanation that would make sense to people other than me. And then one day, it stopped, seeming to have gone without the slightest explanation as to what it might've been.

I hadn't felt like this for five years. 

That scared me as well. In a way, that was scarier than the feeling itself. Suddenly, my head thwacked glass, and I looked up. I had arrived without even realising it. Ignoring the snickering and pointing patients sitting in the waiting room, I swept up to the front desk with as much dignity as I could muster and said, "Could I make an appointment with the mental health specialist, please?" The receptionist looked up from shuffling papers around on her desk and smiled at me, far more genuinely than the specialist did.

"Of course. She should be free now for a bit, in fact. Go right in. Second door on the left. And, if you don't mind me asking, of course, what do you need to see her for? Don't tell me if you don't want to- I'm just curious." I assessed her kind green eyes, a slightly darker shade than mine. Yes. I could trust her. "Erm, well... I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but lately the thoughts I've been having are worrying me." She nodded, and I released the anxious breath I'd been unconsciously holding as I saw that she understood. "Okay. Well, I hope everything goes smoothly. Just...be careful, okay?" I crossed my eyes, unable to think of what to say, and she smiled. 

"Eve! How lovely to see you, dear! Take a seat, take a seat and we can talk about what's bothering you." I didn't return her sickly smile or sit down, but instead blurted out, "You never told me your name. What is it?" Her smile stretched wider, giving her face a toad-like appearance. "Ah, my name. My name is..." She paused, as if thinking up an alias. "My name is Erica Alexander. Why do you ask?" 

"Oh, no reason." I looked at her, trying to make myself look as innocent as possible while studying her face for any signs of untruth. There were none, as far as I could see. So she was a good actor. Interesting. Very interesting. "Anyway," I went on, "I've come to see you because..."

This diagnosis was strangely similar to the first one. After consulting various books, files and webpages, she looked up with a smile that nearly split her face in half and told me (ironically brightly) that I was showing signs of suffering from teenage depression. So, how many were there now? Four. Anxiety, OCD, self-harm and now depression. Wow. I was like a cocktail of disorder. Not even Ava was this broken, and she literally had voices inside her head-not vocal thoughts, like me, but actual voices. As I stood up and thanked her for my second 'diagnosis', a quote popped into my head. "How stylishly broken we all are". And I couldn't help thinking how accurate it was.

I sighed in relief as I hauled myself up onto the lowest branch of the Tree, all the tension from 'Erica's' office slowly evaporating. This park was probably supposed to make me feel sad, and it sometimes did, but it also made me feel calm. Which, considering that it was Jack's favourite place, was odd. I stared out at the overcast sky, thinking of Dylan miles away, probably as worried as I was. I missed her. But she would be back soon. You'll be fine. Suddenly, I caught sight of two boys running through the rain and felt a tug of recognition. "Is that who I think it is?" I wondered idly as they approached.

Then the taller of the two stopped at the foot of the Tree, looked up at me and called, "Could we come up? Just to wait out the rain?" I gave a small smile and nodded, and they scrambled up the trunk and onto the branch beside me. They looked friendly, totally unlike the boys that I had flipped off a couple of weeks ago. Then I noticed something. "You're the boy I sit next to in Maths! The one I always ask to pass on Dylan's notes!" The one who had asked if they could come up ran his fingers through his dark hair and grinned. "Indeed I am. Maybe we should do a proper introduction. I'm Tom. And this here-" He gestured to his friend, who smiled and waved at me without a word. "-is Oliver," Tom finished, affectionately ruffling Oliver's shock of red hair. "Hey," I said, getting the impression that he was shyer than his companion. "So, are you both at Redpark? I've just finished the first Year Eight term there." 

"Tom is," Oliver replied. "But you already know that, of course. I'm starting next term." I picked at the branch and looked at them both. They seemed so happy together. Together... "Are you guys close?" I asked, prising a piece of bark off the branch and watching it fall onto the grass below. Tom looked at Oliver, as if for permission. "You could say that," he smiled, as if sharing an inside joke. I looked down, and saw their intertwined hands. Ah. "Are you guys...together? If- if you don't mind me asking." Oliver smiled. "Yes. We are." I grinned, my primary suspicions confirmed. "I ship it!" They laughed. "Oliver," Tom said in mock-seriousness, "It seems as if we have met-" He lowered his voice to a whisper. "-a fangirl ." We all giggled, and I assured him that yes-they definitely had met a fangirl. After we had talked about fandoms and relationships and all exchanged numbers, I said, "Now, I'd love to stay here and talk to you both for a bit longer, but Mum will be back any minute now and I'm supposed to be in bed with a fever." Tom smirked impishly. "Ah, you are a mischievous  fangirl as well. Good to know. Okay then, off you go before she gets back." I sniggered and jumped down, sensing their gazes as I walked away.

Hello!

What did you think? Have any of you ever felt similar to Eve's strange feeling? I know I certainly have. If you feel comfortable sharing, feel free to do so in the comments. A special thankyou to mermaidnellie for helping me come up with the idea for this chapter! You, my friend, have earned yourself a dedication!

FeistyPebble x