this is my favorite chapter ever okay bye

    I TAP MY fingers against the dashboard, inhaling sharply through my nose as Roman drives speedily down the freeway. We were headed back to Malibu after spending Sunday hanging out with Eden and Isla. I came to like Eden too, falling for her infectious laugh and quick humor. But I still couldn't shake off the conversation Roman and I had in the bathroom yesterday.

        There was a weird sort of atmosphere between us, though this felt different than any arguments we'd had before. Maybe it was because this wasn't an argument. Maybe it was just two people realizing that they cared too much about one another all too late.

Summer was almost over. All I could think of was how many days we had wasted, in arguments, in disagreements. Me hiding my feelings, me shutting down. And now things would be ending soon. What was I to do then?

        "Will you come to Oba's wedding?" I ask suddenly. Roman's eyes snap toward me in surprise. I don't blame him. I hadn't spoken in at least an hour.

        He bristles. "Have you talked to her? Since the other day?"

        I shake my head. "I haven't. I just need my time, she knows that. Anyways, I wouldn't miss the wedding for anything. Doesn't matter if we're fighting or not."

        "Because you love her?" he asks, glancing over at me from the road.

"Because I love her," I agree, bringing my knees to my chest. I couldn't help but feel like we were talking about something different, something completely unrelated to my aunt.

Roman stares at me for just a moment longer before looking away. "Then, I'll be there."

We drive in silence for a little while and pretty soon the freeways turn to streets. Only, the street that Roman's taking isn't the one to get to his place. I crane my neck, looking out the window as we pass another unfamiliar street. "Hey, I think you made a wrong turn," I call out.

         Roman smirks softly. "No," he murmurs. "I don't think so."

        Roman drives and drives a little longer and it's abundantly clear that we're not going to his house. I'm not even sure if we were in Malibu.

         He pulls the car up to an area of green surrounded by what looked like rock pools, parking next to a large tree that definitely was not meant to be a parking spot. "Rome?" I call out, confused.

         He turns to me, a twinkle in his eye. "You coming, or what?"

        I stare up at the dark blue sky, the sun quickly disappearing into the dark. Sketchy lake with a guy I just started to get to know in the dark? Count me in.

         I climb out of the car and follow Roman as he walks with ease over the dirt and rocks. He stops in front of a large one before grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head. I'm briefly dazzled by the ridges along his chest before thinking better of it. "Did you want to have sex on this dirty rock?" I ask, eyebrows raised. "What are we doing here?"

        Roman laughs and unbuckles his pants. "We are going swimming."

         My throat closes up. "Roman—"

         "I know," he breathes out quickly. "I know, it's something you don't do anymore. I haven't done it either. In ten years, I think. And, I don't know, I just thought it could be something we did...together."

        I rub my hands along my arms. "Rome, I don't know about this."

        "That's okay," he responds back easily. "I'll put my shirt back on and we can go home. There is no pressure. But I know you don't want to be held back anymore. I don't either."

        I bite my bottom lip. Weigh my options. I could go back in the car. Or I could not be afraid.

         I tug out of my shirt and am out of my jeans just as quickly, laying them out on the rock. Roman's eyes stay on my face the entire time, showing concern. "Are you sure?"

         "Yeah," I mutter. "On one condition." Roman raises a single eyebrow in question. I smirk at him.  "Those come off too," I say, pointing at his underwear.

          Roman laughs loudly. "Say no more." And then he pulls off his underwear just as casually as he took off his shirt. A blush climbs up my throat to my cheeks. "You too?"

         I harrumph once before sliding out of my briefs and laying them with the rest of my clothes. Roman's eyes wash over me unashamedly and I resist the urge to cover myself back up. Obviously, he'd seen me naked before. But this all felt different.

        Roman holds out a hand to me and I take it slowly, allowing him to guide me to the edge of the water. We stare at the calm waters, the water that had plagued me for an entire year. I swallow hard. "Should we just go for it?" Roman asks.

           "Considering we're butt naked, I'd say yes!" I exclaim, taking a leap into the water without thinking. My hand tugs Roman along and we submerge underneath. The water is cool under the night's air and my body works hard to adjust to its cold temperature. I peel open my eyes, catching sight of Roman's back as he swims under the water. Another hint of fondness in my heart. How much longer would we feel like this for?

        I come up to the top with a large breath, looking up at the sky. Roman pops up beside me and wipes his face. "How do you feel?" he asks, and judging by the lilt of his voice, I can tell he feels just as I do.

        "Alive," I whisper.

I turn to Roman and laugh surprisedly and he laughs with me, bringing his arms around my shoulders and pulling me in. I rest my head on his chest, still blinking water from my eyelashes. I felt more than alive. I felt free.

        We swim around for hours, laughing and talking about nothing and everything all at once. The night gets colder and so eventually we climb back out and shrug into our clothes, along with hoodies that we steal from my truck. We talk for even longer lying on the rock, our backs lined up parallel to one another.

         "I wanted to say sorry," Roman whispers after a while. "For yesterday. I'm an asshole for even bringing that up. And even worse for making you cry."

        I shake my head; there was nothing for him to apologize for. And yet, he still was. "What are you going to do when summer ends?" I ask curiously.

        "I don't know," he murmurs. "The same, I suppose. Continue working to try to make ends meet." He breathes out a sigh. "I've been thinking about just moving to San Francisco."

        I look over at him. "Yeah?"

        "Yeah," he whispers. "The people I love are there. Isla and Eden. I live in Malibu because it's where I've always lived. And maybe some part of me was holding onto the hope that it could still be home to me. But it's not. It hasn't been for a long time."

I don't answer for a while. "San Francisco isn't too far from Berkeley," I say suddenly.

I turn my head just a bit to see Roman's surprised eyes on me. Just as quickly as I realize that, so are his lips.

We kissed feverishly as if this were the last chance we'd ever get to do it and we wanted to make it count. Roman's hand cups my cheek as his lips move against mine over and over again in a way that has butterflies taking flight in my stomach. I breathe out against his lips and his tongue finds its way to mine. He kisses me so soundly, so surely, and I want to ask if he feels it too. Or is it all in my head?

A drop of water lands on my skin. I figure it's just Roman's hair dripping on me from the lake and kiss him harder, the butterflies in my stomach quickly turning into something more.

Then it hits me. Roman doesn't have hair.

I pull back from him just as rain pellets fall against our skin as if we were some stupid lovers in an old Hollywood movie. "Shit!" I hiss, jumping off of the rock and pulling Roman's hands up with me.

He laughs at me as I scramble for my keys, running towards the car and climbing inside. We were soaked. I would've laughed at the irony if I hadn't been so turned on. "It's just water," Roman laughs, sensing my discomfort. "It'll dry."

"It's not that," I growl, pushing my hoodie off of my head and throwing it in the backseat. At least I was a bit drier underneath.

"What's wrong, then?"

Despite the coolness of my skin, I blush. "I just...I was quite enjoying kissing you."

Roman glances down at my lap. "Oh."

        I bristle uncomfortably, reaching down to readjust myself. "Yeah."

        Roman's eyes are still on me. "Well, take them off."

        I glare at him. "Are you joking? Because that would be cruel."

        Roman laughs before reaching over and unzipping my pants for me. I lift just a bit so he can pull them down and then his mouth is on me.

         A yelp leaves my mouth and I cover it with my hand immediately, my hand searching for something to hold onto and finding nothing. I grip the back of his jacket, fingers tightening over the material as his mouth works over me. I shut my eyes and lean my head against my seat as I breathe loudly, moans leaving my mouth without any control. "Roman...," I murmur, but the warning falls off of my tongue as I finish in his mouth.

        Rain patters against the windows and doors as Roman sits back up to look at me. That look alone has me climbing into the backseat, laughing loudly as he follows behind me eagerly. We strip out of our clothes for the second time tonight and his body is quick to find its way to touching mine.

         He looks something like a dream in the moonlight, his face wet with rainwater and his eyes on me. Only me. He finds a condom and lube in my bag and then he's back on top of me, and all I want to do is kiss him. I reach my hands up and bring his lips down to meet mine. Just before they touch, I whisper softly. "I want you to kiss me while you do it."

        Roman's tongue rolls into mine effortlessly, our lips clinging to one another's like magnets that couldn't stand to be apart for too long. A shudder rocks through my body as he enters me, a gasp following shortly after. He kisses me through it. He kisses me until my sounds become his sounds and I'm not even sure who's making them at this point.

         Though I haven't told him yet, I wonder if he can feel the difference in this compared to the other times we've had sex. Can he tell that I love him this time? Can he tell that I know that now?

         My toes curl and I realize that I was reaching my high. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay like this with him forever. Even that didn't seem long enough.

        Roman finishes shortly after me with a loud moan and I whisper the words right then and there, knowing that he won't hear me and also subtly hoping that he would. That he would know. Because who else could I tell?

        He pulls out and grabs a towel tucked in my backseat, wiping me down with a dazed smile. "I like when you look like this," I murmur softly, grinning back at him.

        He laughs and leans down to peck my lips. "I like when you make me feel like this," he responds just as cheekily. "I'm afraid we've fogged up your windows, though."

        I glance up and realize he was right. I couldn't see anything outside of the car. It was sort of unsettling. "Whoops," I mutter.

         After we're dressed and in our seats again, Roman drives away from the rock pools. I stare up at him as he drives away with a lit cigarette in his mouth and a hand on my thigh. He turns to look at me and smiles briefly and I grin back at him, wondering if he knew the three dangerous words I'd just said to him, once out loud and a thousand times over in my mind.