DEAR SEBASTIAN,

There's a word I found recently. Evanescence. It made me think of you. It made me think of us.

It means to arrive for a fleeting moment before disappearing completely.  It's like a dream; how it'll be so bright and vivid when it's actually occurring, only for you to wake up and lose almost all memory of it. You lie in bed for minutes, trying so desperately to call it back, but with every second that passes you forget more and more. All you have left is the memory that it existed, even if you can't remember it as you should.

Were we just a dream, Sebastian? I find myself struggling to remember the way your body wash smelled or how you laughed. Some days I think I remember but then, how can I be sure? You can't trust a memory. You can't fall into them. Not when someday they'll be gone completely.

It's been over a year. A year and three months, to be exact. And it's been seven months since your story was uploaded online. It seemed that once I began writing about you, however, that I couldn't stop. I have all these journals with words that you'll never hear, letters that I can't ever send to you. I hate that I can't send them to you. I hate that I can't say them to you.

I think a lot about how you smiled at me that night. The last time I saw you alive. Your cheeks were red like mine usually are because you were crying. You were crying because you were saying goodbye and I didn't even know it. But you still smiled at me. You still looked at me like I was the happiest thing you'd ever held onto in your life. I would give anything to see that smile.

I think it's okay if I forget how you smelled or how you wore your jeans or the feeling of your fingers on my skin. I just can't bear the thought of forgetting your smile.

That's the one thing of you that I hope never disappears.

Yours entirely and yours only.
- braylen adams