WHEN I WAKE up, I only have a few seconds to make it to the bathroom before I'm heaving the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I throw everything up until there's nothing left in me anymore and press my cheek against the cold seat.

        My phone bleeps next to me with a text from Robyn. I don't look at it. All I can see is the date. June 2nd.

        I've lived without him for an entire year.

        The thought has me throwing up again, this time nothing but bile. I flush the toilet as my eyes water from the acid in my throat. "Christ, Braylen," I mumble.

        There's a knock on the bathroom door. I swallow hard. "I'm not feeling well. You don't want to come in here, Oba."

        The door clicks open and then there's Robyn, her hair tied up in a messy bun and dark circles around her eyes. She sinks down to her bottom next to me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Hey," she murmurs.

        "Hi," I whisper back. "You look terrible."

        She laughs softly. "Yeah, you've looked better too," she retorts. Robyn's face falls a bit. "I was up half the night. Just couldn't sleep. Kept thinking about him and what happened. I knew if it was that bad for me it'd be ten times worse for you."

        I didn't want to talk about myself. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "How's Devin?"

        Robyn shrugs. "He's okay. Honestly, I think he's handling this the best out of all of us. He's one of the main organizers of the memorial event, you know."

        I did know. He'd asked each of us to come to support his work and Sebastian, of course. But his eyes looked less than hopeful when I told him I'd try to come.

        "Yeah," I mutter. "I don't know if I can do it, Robs."

        "Then you don't have to," she whispers back. "Whatever you decide I'm right there with you, you hear me?"

        I smile softly. "I hear you."

       "Good. Now go brush your teeth. Because right now, the only thing I can hear is how bad your breath smells."

¥

        I tap my foot anxiously as Robyn screams answers to Steve Harvey on the TV. It was nice of her to come and I was grateful for the distraction, but all I could think about today was Sebastian and that damn ceremony. "It'd be a bad look if I didn't go, wouldn't it?" I blurt, gnawing on my fingernails.

Robyn turns to me before clicking off the TV. "I don't think you should worry about how it'll look to other people."

"He'd hate me. He'd hate me if I didn't go."

Robyn's face scrunches up. "Bray-bear, you know he could never hate you. Not in a million years. I'm sure he'd understand."

"Of course, I would."

I turn my head to the left and there he is, sitting in Oba's recliner. "Look, I know Devin worked hard on this and it's to commemorate me but you don't owe either of us anything. You should take care of yourself, B. But I would like you to go. If you can. No pressure."

"That sounds like pressure to me," I retort quickly, not even thinking of it.

"What does?" Robyn asks.

Damn it.

"Uh—um, you know. This whole thing seems like a lot of pressure on me," I stutter. I clear my throat once and try to ignore the confused expression on Robyn's face. "I'm going to go and get a snack, do you want anything?"

        Robyn shakes her head. "I'm all good."

        I practically leap out of my seat and storm down the stairs, shutting my bedroom door behind me. I don't even need to look to know that Sebastian's behind me. "You can't just show up and talk to me like that!"

        "We have this argument every time, Brayls. If there was another way for me to get your attention, trust me, I would," Sebastian says with a smile. I glare at him and go to the refrigerator to grab a diet coke. "So are you going?"

        I open the can and glare at him some more. "So I can have a panic attack in front of our entire class? I'm debating it."

        "You haven't had a panic attack since that day in the parking lot with Roman. I think you'll be okay," Sebastian says, taking a seat at the table and leaning back to me. "Speaking of Roman..."

I roll my eyes. "No one was speaking of Roman."

"I like him. And I know that you do, too."

I choke on a sip of soda. "It's not like that."

"I didn't say it was," Sebastian says with a satisfied smirk. His face falls a bit and I watch as he grabs a salt shaker, rolling it between his hands. "But I...I'm not coming back, Braylen. And I know that you feel that you can't let yourself be with someone because of me dying last year—"

"That's not true," I interject but he continues.

"But you can. You should. You can't keep holding onto me. You have to live with the living," Sebastian mumbles.

I bite my bottom lip. "I'm trying."

"No. No, you're not."

There's a beep on my phone. I open it.

roman: What are you doing tonight?

I glance back up at Sebastian before tucking the phone in my pocket. "Go to the ceremony. Invite Roman. Get out of this house and get the hell out of your head."

I run my hands through my hair. Breathe out a huge sigh. Tap my fingers anxiously against my thigh. Then, I pull my phone back out of my pocket.

braylen: point dume beach. 8:30. see you there.

¥

I'm not sure what I expected. A nice, quiet bonfire reflecting on good memories of Sebastian. A moment of silence as we watched the waves lap over one another in the sea. I don't know. Something poetic.

I should have known that an Academy get-together wasn't going to be that. Especially not with Devin Forrester involved.

There were loads of people, more than I'd seen in one place for a long time all spread across the beach. Some swam in the water, others stayed huddled in groups talking, and some danced dangerously close to the fire.

And the alcohol. There was a cup of something everywhere. I was half sure that almost every single person here was drunk or close to it.

Devin didn't throw a memorial. He threw a party.

A hysteric laugh bubbles in my chest, but Robyn's looking over at me. Checking for any signs of panic attacks, I guess. I swallow the laugh back down.

"You guys made it!" Devin says, a bottle in his hand. He wraps me in a quick and sweaty hug that smells like alcohol before leaning over and kissing Robyn. "You two all right?"

I smile at him, though I'm sure it looked more like a grimace. "Peachy keen."

Robyn glances around the beach, laughing softly. "Dev, when you said you had something planned for today I assumed it'd be a bit more...muted."

Devin snorts, taking a swig. "What about Sebastian Grey was ever muted? The dude dyed his hair purple for a night just to piss off the parents at Open House."

Devin looks over at me and his face softens. "I was going to do a stuffy memorial but nothing felt right. This...this felt like him. This felt like something he'd want, something he'd ask for. He wouldn't want us to sit around and be sad. H-he'd want us to celebrate his life together and have a drink just for him. Don't you think?"

I smile softly. "Yeah, actually. I do."

I can see relief fill up Devin's face. "Well, good. There's a bunch of coolers everywhere; help yourself. And if beer's not strong enough I have a few bottles stashed in the trunk of my car. Emergencies only. Got it?"

"Got it," I say, looping my arm through Robyn's. She squeezed my hand for support. "Let's get this over with."

Robyn and I make our way over to the nearest cooler; Devin disappeared minutes ago to referee a game of beer pong. Robs nudges me as she pops open her own bottle of beer. "How are you feeling?"

I look out at the party, swallowing hard. "I don't know. Kind of like I'm not here, I guess. Like I'm watching all this happen on a TV or something."

Hunter makes his way up to us, Hayley beside him. Robyn and I shoot each other a knowing look as they approach us. "Hey, you guys made it!" Hunter exclaims, wrapping us in a quick hug. I notice rims of red around his eyes but keep my mouth shut. I didn't like the mental image of Hunter crying, especially over this. So I force it away from my mind.

Hayley hugs me next, a much longer one. "I'm glad you came, B," she murmurs. "It's good that you're here."

She pulls back and I purse my lips into the best smile I can manage. When it doesn't work, I nod my head over to Hunter who is currently talking loudly to Robyn with huge hand gestures. "So...you and Hunter. On again?"

Hayley grimaces. "Still off. He doesn't look it but that man has to be one of the most complicated guys I've ever dated." I open my mouth to ask a question but she answers it first. "Yes, you included. I'd take a gay awakening over Hunter any day."

"But you love him," I whisper. "I can see that you still do."

Hayley grimaces. "Yeah, well that's the thing about love. You can't choose who you fall in love with. Or when you stop loving them."

I nod softly, knowing exactly what she means. I'm getting ready to respond when a group comes up to us. I remember their names briefly: Bryson, Fiona, Michelle, and Adam. I never really spoke to them during high school so I'm not sure why they're approaching me now.

"Braylen, hey," Michelle says, wrapping me in a quick hug. It's awkward, to say the least, but she seems harmless. The way Bryson is looking at me right now suggests something else. "It's so great to see you. How are you feeling?"

I glance around, searching for an excuse to disappear, and find none. "Hi, Michelle. Nice to see you too. I'm good."

"This must be so hard, being here," Fiona says with wide eyes that seem too pale a blue next to her flaming red hair. "You're so strong, Braylen."

Hayley wraps her hand around mine. "How did you all know Ash?"

Adam laughs softly. "Everyone knew Ash."

        "Yeah," Michelle agrees, before getting a strange look in her eyes. Reminiscent, but also something else. Something darker. "He and I were pretty close a few summers ago. Bryson here was on the swim team with him."

Bryson breaks his stare at the sound of his name. "Yeah. At least before he quit," he says before nodding at me. "You two were...close, right?"

I raise an eyebrow. Was that not clear? "We were boyfriends, so yes. Very close."

Bryson bristles uncomfortably. "So, like, Ash was gay, then?"

"He was bisexual," Hayley interjects.

"The whole time?"

       Realization sinks in and I can feel anger coursing through my veins. "It's not exactly something you can turn off and on," I snap.

        Adam laughs. He's the only one.

        "It's just...some of us on the swim team think that's kind of messed up," Bryson continues, his dark eyes narrowing in on me. "I mean, half of us were naked in front of him. We never knew he was...bisexual."

        I dig my nails into my palm. "First of all, you've graduated. So, I'm sorry if the highlight of your miserable life was being on that damn swim team but that's over with now. Second, if you were naked in front of him that's on you and not him. And trust me; I'm sure he wasn't impressed. Lastly, he isn't anything anymore. He's dead. We're all here because of that. So if you can't let go of your fragile masculinity and respect him for one night of your, again, miserable life, then you can take your friends and get the hell out of here!"

        "Braylen."

        I turn to see Roman, dressed in a black leather jacket and baggy blue jeans that seemed worn down by age. I look at his eyes wondering how much of the conversation he'd heard. By the look on his face, I'm guessing all of it.

       He wasn't the only one in the audience watching me. Robyn and Hunter had turned around and were staring at me like I'd grown two heads, not to mention the beach full of people that all turned towards me. I tear my eyes away from them and swallow back bile.

       "Enjoy the party," I spit at Bryson and his friends, all of whom were looking at me with surprised expressions. My eyes caught on Michelle's and the friendliness that had once been there was gone. The pure hatred in her eyes surprised me but I ignore it as I turn on my heel and brush past Roman, heading back to the beach parking lot. They all hated me. I don't know what I was surprised about.

        My feet carry me all the way to Devin's car as hot angry tears stream down my face. I was so angry at Bryson, angry at myself for letting him get to me. Angry at Sebastian for not being here in the first place.

        I pop open the trunk and search through beach towels for the bottles he'd mentioned. I find a full bottle of vodka and wrap it around my fingers. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

         "Aren't you going to ask if I'm okay?" I whisper softly. It didn't matter. I knew he heard me.

        Roman reaches forward and shuts Devin's trunk, the loud slam reverberating through my bones.

        "No. I can tell that you're not."