Every once in a while in a story to be interesting there has to be ups and downs. Problems, crying, begging, revelation and other things that keep readers stick through and think to themselves; "oh look, I am on the chapter 765, but this book is still kicking ass!" Some would say I am breaking a fourth wall? No, I am just writing this in my diary.

Got you pretty confused because I didn't explain where I am, what I am doing nor what time of the day it is. Someone once told me that my writing style is bad because it's jumpy. 

It's not like someone is going to read this after all.

Currently, it's 2 a.m, my baby is asleep and I am rocking Katy Perry style in her song 'Wide awake'. I just have to pour my heart in this little black notebook, otherwise I would snap on the wrong end.

As you probably heard or read, Sam does not want to take a role of a father like he should, instead, he is making his older brother take the lead just like he did with him. Which is pretty stupid because you are never going to be young or old enough for a child, nor be ready for one. Giving someone else that responsibility is by far the most awful thing you can do. And with that, add that you have a whole life ahead of your stupid ass.

I am so tired of running after him, trying to catch him. I can't spend my baby's half life running after his don't-want-to-be-a-father ass. I should focus on raising him into a beautiful man who will respect everyone especially his woman he accidentally impregnated. 

I put my pen down and rest my hand for a bit and then decide to leave it to the case, I guess my diary will write itself, I am not in the mood to write anything anymore and I kind of feel tired, ready to sleep as if I am a child.

**

Next morning I awake suddenly because of Castiel's cries for attention, damn, I can already see he will be just like me on that matter. Please, don't.

I get up and give him my boob to eat and his cries are over now as he is sucking the life out of my boobs. Strange, I always wondered how it feels when you breastfeed your baby and now when I am finally experiencing it, I take it for granted.

I pull on my boob to get it back but Castiel won't let me, if I hear good he is growling at me? Yes, that is correct.

"No, no, I won't take it away from you, I just want to hold you while you eat," as soon as Castiel hears this he happily lets go of my boob and straightens his tiny hands towards me. I take him in my arms and sit on a rocking chair and continue with breastfeeding.

His green eyes are staring at me intesively, just like his father and I can't help but to feel so hopeless and sad.

"Castiel, I want you to know that I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and you will always be a reason I will continue to fight for the better life," I cry my heart out to this little angel who is just smiling. His tiny hands are pushing and pulling the rest of my boob, I've read somewhere that babies tend to do stuff like this, it is actually really cute.

I hear a knock on the door and lift my head as I allow to the person on the other side to come in. Doors start to open and Dean's head pops out first. He fully enters and closes the doors behind him, I guess he did not realise I am breastfeeding because when he finally did he turned around like I am naked.

"Relax, Dean, it's not like you never saw me naked," I comment and start to laugh at his reaction. I have to admit that sometimes he warms my heart up with his behaviour, it's very cute.

"Oh yeah, right. But this is such an intimate moment between you and your baby, that is the way you two connect and make that bond," he says and I think about it for a bit, it actually is because I feel so bonded with him now.

"Would you mind telling me why you came in here so early?" Small smile lingers on the corner of my mouth, I kind of like seeing him here, he is so nervous I must admit.

"Yeah, yeah. I want to try and talk to you again about Castiel, I couldn't help myself yesterday and I heard you and Sam talk about it," he starts, his hands are so unstill and it kind of triggeres me into madness.

"Please, calm your hands, it will make my milk boil," I warn him with the cutest voice I could muster. His eyebrows jump in the air as they return pretty quickly on the previous spot.

"Okay, sorry, so I wanted to tell you again that I am ready to be a dad to your child. As far as I see, Sam won't do anything to provide the best future Castiel deserves," he makes his point valid enough to make me actually consider this.

I make a thinking face as I am jumping gently around with my boy to throw up the ecxess of food, when he does I put him back into his crib, I have a conversation in front of me which is a matter of life and death.

"What makes you think that you can be a better father to Castiel than Sam, his biological father?" I question him and cross my hands on my sore chest. Ow, that hurts so I let my arms stand by my hips.

"I already raised one little boy and I am so ready to become a father, your baby needs a father, we are basically related, he will never know,"  he explains.

"When will you stop  repeating yourself? Do you know why I won't let you take that kind of responsibility?" I ask him and gather my eyebrows.

"Why?"he asks, I am so ready to read him a lesson.

"Because you are trying to fix Sam's mistake, save him from actually standing up and take care of what he screwed up. You are constantly trying to free him from a burden of life, but guess what, you can not. You can't always prevent something bad to happen to him so he can be carefree," I speak out my heart.

"Since always he was the one who messed something up and you had to clean it, that was something else. Do you realise he is trying to run away from a living human being like its just  a cursed toy? You can't be stupid and pretend like its not like that. Stop covering up for his pathetic ass and, believe me I would rather let my baby be fatherless than to be raised by his brother who stepped in because his father is too big of a coward," all of my veins start to pop out because of how much anger I am feeling.

"And something else, it is awesome that you think like that, that Castiel has to grow up with a father figure, but do you know that truth always finds its way to the surface no matter how deep you bury it? Imagine that day when he finds out the truth, that his closest people lied to him, he won't see this like you do, or how Sam sees it. He will be hurt and betrayed and I won't let that happen," I am out of breath.

"I can't argue with you on that because you are completely right. I am trying to fix Sam's mistakes.  But remember, Castiel is not a mistake. And I really am doing this for him and you to be happy," 

This boy doesn't listen to me at all, I will have to make him understand on the hard way.