The scene is uncomfortable . Crying faces holding onto even more distraught figures. Figures that belong to my brothers. All dressed in black attire that mirrors the darkness they feel in their hearts. Sadness truly has a way of coming when you least expect it. Among the three, Taehyung stands the most calm, considering the circumstances. Seokjin looks broken and Namjoon replicates that.

To watch Jeongguk comfort my mother is a sight I had never imagined. Even if I did, nothing could ever come close to the heartbreak I see when looking at her. She does not wail as loudly as everyone around her, but her tears fall. Silently they move down her rosy cheeks leaving me to wonder if she'll ever be able to recover from this pain.

During the week we had received a call from the private hospital in Busan. Father had passed away in a car accident. The one to answer the unfortunate call happened to be Jeongguk. The way he looked at me when he heard the words was similar to the way he looked at me when Grandfather had passed on. Then, I did not cry much. But with the passing of my father, I could not find it within myself to shed a tear. Jeongguk was worried.

All week I seeked no opportunity to cry. I needed me to be strong, not for my sake, but for the sake of my newly born baby. Only a few weeks old and having no memory of my father. I could not let Bell be born into sadness. Jeongguk tried to keep her busy, urging  me to feel, but there was only so much he could do.

Taehyung avoided me, only calling to finialise funeral plans. Even then his voice lacked the warmth and love he always had. I tried to talk to him, but all he did was shut me out. Seokjin had tried to support our Mother whilst Namjoon helped me plan Fathers funeral. Out of all my brothers, Namjoon was the only one who openly expressed his sadness.

Jeongguk dealt with all business, cancelling all meetings that could possible be new business ventures. I was grateful somebody could still hold the fort at the company. Every night he reminded me of how proud Father would be of the women I'd become, but I could not see it.

I still don't. With all of the events I've attended and the lavish lifestyle I grew up in, I never remember myself ever having a deep relationship with my father. He gave me a good life, but I never felt like his daughter. It was easy for my brothers to cry, but I couldn't help but feel that my boss had died and not the man that had raised me. Watching the scene feels like watching a movie, only the characters are my family.

"May his soul rest in peace." The priest speaks, pulling my attention back to the current events. Jeongsan stands beside me holding onto Nari. He passes me a soft smile while I clutch the sleeping baby to my chest.

"And may his family find peace in this world as they lose yet another loved one."

Grandmother starts wailing when his body is pushed into the furnace, her arms pull at Taehyung who tries to hold her back. His tears don't go unnoticed by me and neither do the chokes he heaves. My brother looks like a shell of who he is. There is only pain when I look at him.

Namjoon bares so much emotion, my ears tear up at the sight. He's supposed to be the strongest of us all. He's supposed to have it all under wraps. Watching as he clutches onto Yejin, I know he can't conceal anything right now. To him, the pain is real. Jins shoulders shake with grief as he holds onto Mother, her own tear stained face hides nothing as she cradles his head into her neck. To the both of them the pain is real and I envy the feeling because my eyes dry as soon as I turn to face the flames and I feel nothing.

"Soa, we should go." Jeongguk whispers, patting at my arm with a look of pity.

I nod, holding onto Bell as he guides me through the bodies that carry emotion I wish to convey.

Paparazzi flash their cameras at us, all firing questions at my  face. My hold on the baby grows as I avoid them. Jeongguk places his hand at the small of my back, and I hear his little sniffles while he does.

"Are you okay?" I ask when we enter the limousine. The dark interior only shows me a faint expression on his face.

"I should really be asking you that question." He sighs, but the conversation ends there as more bodies pile into the car.

Taehyung moves toward the farthest seat, going into silent mode as soon as he makes eye contact with me. Grandmother passes her eyes between the two of us, raising a brow as I shrug at her. Namjoon follows after, sitting beside me and he still cries. Even when I hold onto his hand, the tears don't stop. Same for Jin who takes a seat beside Mother, still shaking in pain at what he'd just witnessed.

Before the door can fully close, Gloria enters the car, carrying a folder in her hands. She sighs as she passes it to Nakhon, "Your fathers will. Please read it as soon as you all get home."

I want to reprimand her for choosing the worst time, but Jeongguk places a hand on my thigh.

"Thank you, Gloria." He speaks and she closes the door.

As we drive, the only sound going through the car is quiet sniffling and crying.

-

I sigh as I stand in the foyer, overlooking the gardens. It's a sunny day and the children freely run around, unaware of the heavy cloud that hangs over our household. Mother disappeared to her room with haste, not sparing either of us a glance. Taehyung was fast to run after her in hopes of offering some comfort.

Namjoon has been in the gym for over an hour with Jeongguk making sure he doesn't hurt himself. I could not stop him from going, his eyes would not allow me. Knowing how strong Namjoon is, seeing him as the emotional overflow he is right now feels uncomfortable. It's new.

Seokjin remained a shaking mess, even when his body finally put him to sleep. The tears tiring him out as they did our grandmother. I have never seen my family this broken. Even the death of Grandfather did not evoke this much emotion.

"No longer hiding behind your baby?" A deep voice speaks, pulling me out of my mind. The scenery, no longer having my attention. Instead, my brother carries a wary expression when facing me.

Taehyung wears a loose shirt, hair disheveled with red rimmed eyes. He looks a mess.

"You're one to speak about hiding." I mumble, turning away from his face. The hurt of being forgotten by him negating any remorse I could feel.

He hums, moving to stand beside me. The smell of alcohol wafts into the air as it reeks off his figure. Taehyung does not care for my nostrils as he sighs, turning his body toward me. I feel his stare as my gaze lingers in the happy children.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you all week. I just could not bare to face you looking emotionless while all I wanted to do was cry." He speaks, "I know the last conversation you had with Father didn't go well. I didn't understand your frustration with the company and his involvement, but I get it now-"

"You don't, Tae. None of you do." I interuppt, "I feel as though I've never made him proud. Nothing I ever did was good enough and now he's gone and I can't recall a moment where I truly felt like his daughter. " I shake my head at the revelation, voice growing weak. "You three had the best moments of him. You know who he was before money and business became his personality. I only know who he was with wealth and I want to feel something, anything, but I don't know how." I gulp, feeling my eyes begin to glisten at the truth.

"Jeongguk says you have not cried at all."

I nod, meeting his eyes again, "There is no point in crying for a man I didn't know. I also know you blame me for him being in Busan that evening, but I never wanted him to die. As much as Father and I had our disputes, I did not hate him."

Taehyung shakes his head, "We don't blame you. It was an unfortunate situation." He breathes, stabilising the tears that I know want to free themselves.

"He loved you, Soa. It may not have been obvious to you, but we could see it. " He sighs, pulling me into his side. "And though he may not have shown it as openly as Jeongguk does, he taught me, Joon and Jin how to love you and we're so damn proud of you, always know that." I still at his words, feeling Taehyung lay his head on mine.

The words sink in and it's evident by the way my eyes tear up at them. If Taehyung had spoken to me earlier, I might have been more emotional at the funeral. Maybe I would have felt the need to pay my last respects to Father.

"I love you, Tae."

"I love you, Soa. More than you know."

The conversation gets cut by Jeongguk who calls us to a family meeting. He passes me a sorry look as his hands hold onto mine.

Mother sits in silence as her eyes fall on the brown envelope containing how our life goes from here on. If Namjoon feels nervous, he does not show it. Neither does Seokjin, but they show heartbreak.

"Soa, you should do the honours." Taehyung smiles, sliding me the envelope. I still at the motion. Doing the honours means reading first hand how my father really felt about this family. It means facing whatever ideas I have in my head. It means confirming whether or not he really loved me.

With a shaky hand I remove the folder, voice shaking as I read.

Dear family

If you're reading this, I most likely have left the earth. I know you are in no position to read this, but I would love for you to do so. It is only fair that you read exactly how much I loved you.

To my wife, I want to express my gratitude for loving me the way you did all these years. You met me at my lowest point in life and helped me pave the way for our family to have the life we have now. Kim Seohyun, you are my greatest gift, my only love, my soulmate. Life with you have been easy. Love with you has been wonderful. Everyday felt like a rainbow with glitters and cotton candy trees. I was living in a fairytale. The way you raised our children always impresses me. You groomed them into wonderful men that would make amazing husbands, and they do. You raised our daughter into an independent women who never settled for less than was deserving of her.

To you, my love, I leave our home and all that is in it. I know it's not much, but I know that with the help of our children, you could still find happiness within its walls. I love you my wife.

Seokjin, my twin and eldest son, I am very pleased with the man you are. The perfect opposite of me. The most gentlemanly man I know and a wonderful husband and leader to your wife and children. You make me proud everyday. I'm sorry I groomed you for marriage at such a young age, but I don't regret the happiness you have found within it. You have grown to be a man I admire in silence. If I had raised you all the way you raise your children, maybe our family would never have had any conflict at all.

To you, I leave all my shares. Every enterprise I have invested in, outside of Kim Group, belongs to you. It is not much, but I know you will use it with honour. I love you, my son.

To Namjoon, I empathise with the hole you may be feeling at this moment. You were my favourite, son. Your mind amazes me. Your character amazes me. Everything you touch turns into gold. Never let that go. May you lead this life, knowing I have instilled in you enough knowledge and leadership to always do the right. Lead with integrity and cry when you have to. Emotions are not correlated to wekeaness. You are strong when you are weak too.

To you, I leave Busan and all that is mine within it. The house and the business. I know you weren't happy for years and I hope this can settle that, even if just for a little while. I love you, Joon.

Kim Taehyung, my pride and joy. You and I share a bond unbreakable. I thank you for reminding me to laugh and take a break at every point in life. Our moments will always be treasured. I hope you find it within yourself to forgive me for the life I left to you. I know you will lead better than I did. You are my greatest success on this earth.

To you, I leave Kim Group and its empire. I trust you wholeheartedly with every decision you choose to make in the future. You are my best boy and I love you.

Dear Soa, I wish I could write an entirely separate letter to you. You deserve that and so much more that I could not give you.  Firstly, I would like to tell you that I loved you so much. I know you may have never felt my love while growing up, but I did. You make me so proud and the woman you are today deserves everything this world has to offer. The life you chose for yourself inspired me to be a better person to you, your brothers and husband. Choosing Jeongguk as your life partner was the best decision you could have ever made. Though I hate to admit it, he shows you a love that I never could. I'm am sorry, but also grateful that you get to experience that, even if not with me.

To you, I leave money. Every account and share revenue I have accumulated in life, along with my savings are for you. Not because I think you to be materialistic, but because I want you to build the life I couldn't give you. Build the business you've always dreamed of leading. Build a home you enjoy spending time in. May you never have to cry yourself to sleep or run away because of a dispute. May you finally receive the freedom you dreamed of always. I'm sorry your mother and I could not give that to you. I love you my dear, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

That concludes my wishes. May you all find peace and love within each other.

All the love,
CEO Kim.

My voice cracks at the ending. The notion of him allowing me to build the life I always wanted cracks at the ice in my heart. The begging for freedom finally falling onto ears that hear. Tears stream at the reality and for the first time since hearing about Fathers death, I cry.

Hot streams flow over my cheeks, burning as I let out chokes. I feel arms wrap around me, but I don't sink into them. I can't sink into them. For so long, I had walked around with an anger toward my father for never seeing me. To hear him admit that he always has breaks me.

Jeongguk pulls me closer, resting my head in his neck. Warm hands caress my head as I let it all out. In the distance, I hear as everyone vacates the area, leaving me to seek comfort in the man I love. Jeongguk does not let go, only holds me tighter, pulling me onto his lap.

"I'm so sorry you're going through this." He whispers, kissing at my hair. "I wish I could take away every inch of pain you feel, but I know you need it and when it's over, you'll be an even stronger version of the woman you are today."

"I love you, Kim Soa. Forever and always."