CHAPTER FIFTEEN
A GUITLY CONSCIOUSNESS
"i'm a natural disaster"
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Supposedly drowning was the worst way to die, according to some. The burning sensation in your lungs would last an eternity. You see, when drowning, your body keeps you from inhaling. It knows that if you do, it's over. But once you do take that breath, all the pain goes away. Slowly, you slip into the peaceful darkness. Finally, it was all over.

Some may say 'but what if you don't open your mouth, what if you don't let the water in'. Well, that is sadly not possible. It's a bodily reflex to give in to it all at one point or another. There was no avoiding the inevitable.

Shivani had never viewed the water as her enemy, or a threat for that matter. She adored it, it was a part of her. Turning into a mermaid only magnified that feeling. It was like she was meant to be one. . . Whenever she swam she worked with the water. She could never explain the euphoric feeling of it all. To imagine that the water had power to kill and was some people's greatest fear was almost unimaginable to the girl.

Yet here she was, sitting across from Ms. Morrell, Beacon Hills High's only guidance counselor. They were discussing what had happened to a fellow student. Matt Daehler was dead. They had found him around the same time Stiles and Shivani had bid each other farewell that late, or early, night. He had drowned, ironically enough. In all truth, Shivani had no idea what to feel. Was she suppose to mourn his death? Before all of this, he was just some traumatized kid, then he became a monster. And now? Now, he was nothing.

Shivani Caddel was that girl that cried when someone died in a movie. She was girl that cried when her father brought her mother flowers, or did any romantic gesture in general. She was the girl that cried when she killed a spider out of fear, but quickly regretted doing so afterwards. The Caddel girl was extremly emotional at times, and most of her emotions would lead to tears.

But Shivani wasn't feeling a sliver of grief or guilt. Matt was dead, he had died. Maybe it just hadn't sunken in yet. But it had been two days since it had happened. Maybe Shivani was changing. In that case, the question remained. Was it for the better or worse? She wasn't sure if she even wanted to know.

"Do you think Matt felt some peace in his last moments?" Ms. Morrell's question broke Shivani's train of thoughts. Her eyes were locked on her hands in her lap. She was tired, and conflicted. She didn't want to talk about this. In fact, she didn't even want to think about it. Now that the Daehler was dead, it was all finally over. Maybe she could finally return to a somewhat normal life.

"I guess. . ." Shivani replied with a shrug. "I mean, he killed a bunch of people."

Ms. Morrell leaned back in her chair. "It's completely normal to feel bad for someone that has done terrible things. Do you feel bad for nine year old Matt who drowned?"

Shivani could only imagine what the scene had looked like. The small boy yelling for help as drunken teenagers threw him into the water, laughing as he slowly slipped under. Yes, she felt bad for nine year old Matt. But it didn't excuse anything. Bad things happen to good people. It doesn't have to turn them into bad people, that part is a choice. The Caddel girl didn't appreciate being put on the spot like this. She was being forced to understand Matt when she very clearly didn't want to.

Matt chose to become the bad guy. He chose to kill all those people. It just wasn't right. Not to mention everyone at the police station and the pregnant woman. That combined with the fact that he was just plain creepy too.

"He killed people!" Shivani exclaimed, frustration evident in her voice. "I'm not emphasizing with a murderer." Ms. Morrell was obviously unphased by Shivani's outburst.

"Have you talked to any of your friends since that night?" Ms. Morrell, moving on from the obviously sore topic. Shivani sighed.

"Not really." She blankly responded.

"How come?"

The girl shrugged. "I'm not really that close to Scott or Lydia. Allison is avoiding all of us because of what happened to her mother. I mean, I can't blame her. She's grieving. And then there's Stiles. . ." Shivani trailed off. She didn't really know what to say about him. He had tried approaching her earlier on that day, but Shivani had quickly escaped into the girls bathroom. She just needed some time to think about things.

"How about Erica, Boyd and Isaac. I've seen you interact with them. How are you taking them running away?" Shivani didn't know what to answer to that either. It wasn't like she was especially close to the three. She did enjoy Erica's company, and Isaac wasn't to bad either. Boyd seemed nice. She honestly just felt bad for the three. They all deserved better in life.

Them running away was completely understandable. Life in Beacon Hills was proving to nothing less than disastrous. Kanimas, hunters. . . Death was all around them. Maybe they were right for running away from it all.

"Good for them." Shivani answered. "I wish them all the best, really."

Shivani wished she could do the same. Just run away. But she couldn't do that to her parents, and though she wouldn't admit it she was slowly growing more and more attatched to this town and the pack. Especially to one member of the pack in particular. . .

"What about you, Shivani. How are you feeling." Ms. Morrell queried.

Shivani furrowed her brows in confusion. "About what?" In all truth, Shivani was feeling conflicted. She was confused about everyone and everything. She had no idea if she could really trust Scott and the others. And Shivani was pretty confident none of them really trusted her. What was the use of helping someone who didn't want her help? Stiles' words had stuck with her, but with Matt dead she wasn't sure if any of it mattered. Without a kanima out to get the,, was there really any use in huddling up in a group for protection? Maybe she could finally return to her loner ways. Then again, Shivani wasn't sure if she wanted to shut Stiles completely out. She had down accustomed to his presence. The mermaid wasn't sure if she was ready to let their 'friendship' go just yet.

     As well as that, Shivani was feeling pretty useless. She had never used her powers for more than heating up water to boil her instant ramen, or cooling down a drink. But then again it felt like the 'pack' expected her to know what she was doing. Especially with what she tried doing to Matt. She could've killed him, she could've killed Scott even.

     She needed to get herself together.

"Everything. Moving to a new town, adjusting to school, that night." A deep frown was etched on the mermaid's face. Things had been happening so fast, she hadn't really had any time to think about it all.

"It's whatever." Shivani said, waving her hand dismissively. "I've been the new girl before, it's not that bad. Adjusting isn't too hard."

Ms. Morrell arched a brow. It was obvious that Shivani was a closed off and private person. Breaking through her shell wasn't going to be easy. "And about that night?"

"Are we done?" Shivani sighed, reaching for her bag on the floor. Not giving Ms. Morrell a chance to respond, the girl was out the door, heading in the direction of her next class.

     Shivani wasn't the person to talk about her feelings and problems. When something happened, she usually dealt with it by herself. That's just how it always had been. Sitting down and talking about that night was making it harder to forget. And all Shivani wanted to do, was forget.

The Caddel girl just needed to get through this day unscaved.

Shivani entered the chemistry classroom at the same time as the bell rang, Ms. Morrell's quesions plaguing her mind.

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     Chemistry was boring as always, along with math and English class. The school day had gone by agonizingly slow. At several point throughout the day, Shivani had to pinch herself to keep awake. Her arm was now sore and red at the spot she had been pinching repeatedly.

     The mermaid unlocked the door to her car, not hesitating to get inside. She took a moment to sit there in silence and reflect over the past few weeks. Her life had changed drastically since moving to Beacon Hills. She had gone years without anyone even coming close to discovering her secret, but the second she had moved to this town a bunch of people had just figured it all out. Not to mention everything she had found out about after moving here.

     Werewolves and kanimas and hunters. It was all just a little too much.

     A knock on her window startled the girl. "Open the window." Stiles yelled from outside.

     "You scared the living shit out of me." Shivani groaned when she rolled down the window. "What do you want Stiles."

     "I saw you at Ms. Morrell's office. They made you have a session too, huh?" He adjusted the strap to his backpack, eyes locked on the girl.

     "I'm pretty sure they made all of us have a session or something." She replied. Stiles nodded.

"Look, Scott isn't really talking to me, and I have no idea what's going on with Jackson, Allison or Lydia. At the moment, you're the only one I've managed to get a hold of so will you please not ignore me." Stiles plead. Her eyes softened as he spoke, feeling bad for him. Her intentions hadn't been bad by avoiding him, she simply needed to gather her thoughts.

Shivani ran a hand over her face. "A lot had been happening lately and I really just need time to reflect."

"Please can you come over or something so we can talk." Stiles tried again.

"Talk about what exactly?"

"Well, for one, with Matt gone, who is controlling the kanima?" Shivani pursed her lips. Stiles was right. There was still a lot of things going on that they needed to clear up. And sitting around reflecting wouldn't do her any good. So, hesitatedly, she agreed,

"Fine."

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Shivani had never been inside Stiles room. The room wasn't anything special. In fact, it looked like every other teenager boy room. Messy, unorganized and plain.

Shivani was spinning around in Stiles' black office chair while he was sitting on his bed. Stiles' dad had luckily gotten his job back, which probably was the only good thing that had come out of it all. Sadly, the two weren't really talking, much like Scott and his mom.

     "Don't you think it's possible Jackson is now an independent kanima? Maybe he's over being controlled." Shivani suggest jokingly. Stiles shot her a bored look. They had been going back and forth for a while now, considering who might have gained control over Jackson. Their primary suspect was Gerard, but they had a few other names up there as well.

     The worst thing about Matt dying was definitely the part where Jackson found a new master. They had just solved the mystery and boom, it all fell through their hands like sand. Shivani was beginning to feel tired of always being one step behind.

     "It has got to be Gerard." Stiles sighed.

     "But why? Isn't he all about killing a creature like Jackson? Controlling him would kinda defeat the purpose of being a hunter." Shivani argued her point. Gerard sure appeared to be a serious hunter. Not that Shivani knew this, but he had been the one to encourage Allison's mom to kill herself. That had to mean he took this hunting thing seriously. Why else would he encourage something like that?

     "Sure, but he's evil." Shivani groaned at Stiles' words.

     "You literally think everyone looks evil." She argued.

     The boy shook his head. "I don't think you look evil."

     For some reason, those words made Shivani's heart flutter. Was that even a compliment, the girl wondered, averting her gaze.

     "I don't think you look evil either." Shivani awkwardly replied, her eyes going anywhere in the room but on him.

     It wasn't like Shivani never had gotten male attention before, or that this even counted as that, but something about Stiles actually saying something that was kind of nice just made her feel some type of way. She was probably just caught off guard. Yeah, that was probably it. She was caught off guard, and tired off her senses.

     "Moving on. How can we prove it's Gerard?" Shivani questioned. Stiles groaned in defeat. He hadn't planned that far.

     "I haven't gotten that far yet. . ." The Stilinski boy admitted, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

"Well, Allison won't be of any help to us, that's for sure. Don't think Scott will be either, and I haven't really seen Derek. That only leaves one person." Shivani said.

     "Jackson."

     The duo jumped from their seats, rushing downstairs and towards the bat mobile ( Stiles' jeep ). The chances of Jackson knowing anything were slim, and the chances of him even agreeing to help them? Even slimmer. But as for right now, Jackson Whittemore was their best shot.

     God, they were screwed.

word count; 2351
a/n

i'm currently writing this im a hurry because i'm going out later tonight and just really wanted to finish and post another chapter. tried making a small convo between ms.morrell and shivani so i hope u guys liked that part. also, i really love writing the small and simple scenes between stiles and shi! school is almost starting, in like two weeks or sum, and i really want this book done before then so stay tuned and i hope i guys enjoyed !

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