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Chapter Three - Tremor
Season Six - Episode Seven
Give Peace a Chance

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Hannah could not believe what she had missed during one simple episode of sickness. She hadn't realised until that moment that they really were all truly a risk of losing their jobs at any point in time. Firstly, Izzie had been let go for something that was out of her own control, though Hannah could kid herself into believing that deep down the hospital were acting in Izzie's best interest by letting her go whilst she was so unwell. But she also knew there was a law suit behind an unfair dismissal. But April Kepner had been let go of as well, April who was possibly the first Mercy West Resident that Hannah had actually grown to like and not see as purely competition. 

Therefore, returning to the hospital only to be gathered by Derek in the Resident lounge to be assessed for possibility to perform Microsurgery had her much more anxious than she expected to be. If Hannah was being honest, having heard the case they wanted to scrub in on, the person who it was being performed on. Hannah wasn't even sure she wanted to be part of it. She had seen the scans, she had heard Cristina gush about how much of a cool surgery it would be, how much she had wanted it. And Hannah didn't really want to be part of it. Plus she was almost one hundred percent sure she wouldn't be able to take part in such a long surgery and stay focused. Plus neurosurgery, despite being the reason she had wanted to go into medicine in the first place, was the first type of surgery which had grossed her out. 

"Microsurgery is all about precision. The microscope changes your perspective radically. The hand-eye co-ordination required can be learned, but right now, I need naturals. Each one of you will get a chance to guide this pen through the hole in the cup. The person who makes a mark closest to the presidents nose and doesn't hit the side of the cup gets to scrub in. Who wants to go first?" Derek announced and Hannah immediately knew she was out of the running. Hand eye co-ordination was a mixed skill of hers, some days she had great hand-eye co-ordination to the point where it could be something she could brag about. Other days she had the hand-eye co-ordination of an amoeba. And Amoeba's didn't have hands or eyes. 

She watched as resident after resident went up in an attempt to complete the challenge set out to them by the Neuro Attending. Feeling as her stress levels began to mount, she hated the idea of everyone watching her in this moment in time. And then, then the compulsion began to rise. Like an itch she needed to scratch. A tingling sensation even. That was when she knew she was in trouble, and she didn't to let the newcomers in to her not so secret secret. She knew that they would see it as something to hold against her. And as her right bicep began to twitch and it radiated down to her no longer steady hand she let out a sigh. Especially considering she watched as Cristina was no where near as accurate as she claimed she would be. Hannah knew it would come down to her to try and continue to show that they were a good group of residents. 

But her body was not co-operating. Well not her dominant arm and hand. She pondered for a minute if she could write it off as the nervous shakes, as long as it remained contained to just her bicep and hand that was simple enough, if she made a comment about being nervous about it beforehand nobody would think otherwise. Well, those who didn't know the truth wouldn't. 

"Dr. Cole." Derek ushered her forwards and she gave the man a look, considering they lived together she knew he was much more aware of what was going on compared to some of the others in the room. She wondered if he was just being unobservant. Her scrub top and long sleeve undershirt did nothing to hide the movement. Rather she just had to take a deep breath and try to pretend everything was okay.

"I don't really think Microsurgery is going to be my thing." Hannah announced as she attempted to take the pen into her right hand. But the shaking was not going to help in the slightest. And then her arm locked and she wanted to curse the world. Therefore, Hannah did what she had been learning to do and improving for years now. She took the pen into her non-dominant hand and took her time to try and gently manoeuvre it inside of the cup, But her skills with her left hand were not half as good as they probably could have been, and therefore she missed her mark significantly. Giving a small shrug and pretending that she was unbothered Hannah took a step back from the table returning to her slightly covered corner where she instantly went to try and distract her mind to move her brain on from the place it was stuck on. 

"Okay Dr Avery , you'll be scrubbing in." Derek announced and almost immediately the room cleared as the disappointed residents flocked out and onto their respective rotations. Hannah hung back knowing she needed to get some of the compulsion out of the way, otherwise she would be stuck for a lot longer. And she needed to get back to work. She was on Orthopaedics for the week and she liked Callie, found her to be a good teacher and therefore wanted to make the most of the training. 

"You're right handed not left handed." A voice which was becoming more recognisable greeted Hannah from the shadows, and as she looked to the confused green eyes she sighed. 

"You've got a staring problem going on Avery if you know what hand I write with." Hannah went on the defensive immediately. She wasn't sure she was going to like where this was going. She went to hide her ongoing unintentional movements.

"You have a tremor." Jackson guessed and Hannah looked over at him in audacity. The nerve of some people to just walk up to others and state things like that aloud. 

"I... how dare you." Hannah wished she sounded angry in her tone but she knew it was coming across as anything but. 

"How are you a surgeon with a tremor?" Jackson asked, she was sure he possibly didn't mean for it to come across in the manner of which it did. But it did not come across in a way which made it sound like he was asking in a genuine way, it had only come across in a malicious way. There was a burn a familiar burn and she knew that it was about to go downhill. 

"Fuck you Jackson Avery." Hannah turned and headed out and away from him, giving him no explanation or no satisfaction of knowing he had gotten to her. Or at least she hoped so. A little popping noise accompanying each step she took. 

Hannah headed in the direction she assumed Callie would be in, hoping to find the familiar friendly face somewhere. Their relationship had been strained for a little while considering the difficult relationship between Callie and George. But they had learnt to move past it, knowing the man would hate for Hannah's education and career to be challenged due to her wanting to be a good best friend and automatically despise his ex partners. Plus Callie seemed much happier now she had started to accept her true self. Callie was found near one of the nurses stations on the surgical floor. The woman was stood over her patient notes clearly discussing with the nurses the current status of her patients. Hannah tried to quietly approach the desk, not wanting to interrupt an important conversation. But one overly loud 'pop' was enough to turn the heads of those around the desk. A sheepish smile was all she could afford the team in that moment. Watching as one of the nurses moved to give Hannah her chair. 

"Han. Do you need a moment?" Callie questioned looking at the younger woman in concern. Her previous relationship with George having given her an intense insight into Hannah.

"No... I can... bear... I can do this." Hannah responded trying to keep her confidence showing "Bear." She added on at the end.

"Okay we're just doing the pre-ward round." Callie continued on, knowing that if she ignored it and carried on as if everything was normal rather than pointing it out, that things were unlikely to progress any further. She did pull a small plastic toy out of her pocket. Passing it over to the resident she watched as Hannah went to quickly play with it as the nurses took over.

"Mr Jenkins in 116, he's mobilising but still suffering significant pain, he's only got the basics prescribed."

"Any reason he can't have something stronger prescribed?" Callie questioned the nurse presenting her concerns and there was a shake of the head no. 

"Han do you think you can prescribe some oral morphine for Mr Jenkins?" Hannah nodded using her left hand to try and neatly write the prescription, she knew pharmacy would be able to read it for her regardless of how legible it truly was. A small stamp that held her signature, name and registration number was stamped onto the paper form as they continued to discuss between themselves. 

"Bear."

"Mr Perkins looks ready for discharge from a nursing perspective but will need his discharge paperwork completing." Another nurse spoke, Mable, and Hannah nodded in response. Knowing Callie was taking note of anything else she had to do for her. 

The ward round was completed within an hour and half and Hannah had a list of actions to complete which was longer than she would have wanted. But she knew it was an important part of her job to complete these jobs. Plus she got on well with most of the surgical nurses and wanted to continue on getting on with them. It made her job easier if she did so. 

"You know Hannah, you don't have to be so ashamed of your condition." Callie started and Hannah could feel a very familiar conversation coming on, one she hadn't had in a very long time. 

"You're sounding a lot like George right now." Hannah commented waiting on as Callie moved to take her moving right arm gently massaging at the tensed moving muscles, just like George used to do. 

"He was right you know, Hannah you're an amazing doctor. You're overcoming so much to do this job."

"I'm overcoming nothing Callie, my brain just isn't wired the same way as everyone else's." Hannah sighed she was sure this conversation was going the same way it had always done.

"And I'm not ashamed, I'm annoyed that others would just point stuff out they know nothing about."

"Mercy Wester?"

"Fucking Avery Callie. Calling it a tremor. It's not a tremor." Hannah lamented "It's Tourettes goddamn it."