So two weeks is now four dozen
Years that pass by, can't press no rewind
Just watch my life by and lock the right ties

Trigger warnings: mentions of alcohol and drug addiction.

There's a good type of nervous, and then there's the bad type. For example, Harry makes me feel the good type of nervous. How I feel right now is definitely the bad type of nervous. In fact, I couldn't even study with all the overthinking occupying my brain.

It was about time that I confessed to Harry that we met three years ago. I didn't have a good reason for keeping it back for so long, we were both two different people. I was swimming at my rock bottom and Harry was floating high in the clouds. Every time I think about it, I unlock a different door with a different reaction and a different way I think of telling him.

I've been pacing the floor of my bedroom for about twenty minutes. Every time I got a thought that worried me, I'd bite off another edge of my nail with nothing but fear and panic making my heart beat. Harry's in the living room, I can hear the Victorious episode playing from here.

In fact, the only thing that calmed me for a few seconds was when I heard him singing the theme song. He doesn't realize how beautiful his voice is, doesn't he? Another realization that has come to me, apparently I'm into British guys that can sing with voices of an angel. Zayn, Louis and Harry are walking proof of that. Well, I have no idea if Zayn is even alive, but whatever.

He's honest with me recently. Ever since that night after the date with Niall, he's been more open. So I have to be open too, right? It's unfair to him and fucked up of me to keep in the fact that we've met but he doesn't remember.

So, I got my confidence to the highest peak it's been all day and screamed mentally fuck it. I walked out of my room in confident strides before I could've taken the opportunity to change my mind. Harry's green eyes were trained on the television screen, a smile on his face, clearly entertained by whatever episode was displaying on the screen.

I grabbed the remote from the coffee table and paused the show. "Hey!" Harry objects, his eyes darting to me. "I wanted to talk with you," I explained to him. He pouts and easily reaches for my hips, he tugs me forward and I easily sat on his lap with my knees on either side of him. Puzzle pieces, that's what we are.

"We need to talk," I softly tell him, my eyes falling to his neck where the purple hickey proudly sat. My finger ran over the delicate skin, smiling to myself at the memories. Harry holds the underside of my jaw to tilt my head higher for him. "You're not supposed to be looking at me like that if you're going to break up with me," he whispers, his green eyes flicking between my own.

How am I looking at you? If I actually ask that, I'm not sure I would stick to my mission. So I sighed in defeat, and finally did it. "I want to tell you a story of a guy I met on the bus," I told him, feeling my heart race in my chest. "What bus?" Harry eyes, his eyebrows tugging together. This conversation feels so out of place, so random but I can't avoid it any longer.

"When I ran away from...home, I got on a bus and met this interesting guy. He was around my age, curls reaching just pass his ears," If I mentioned the beautiful green eyes it might be too much of a give away. So I ignored that part and continued," he was very friendly and kind, high out of his mind but still incredibly a really good person that made me feel so much better about everything that happened."

"Stranger danger didn't apply to this guy?" Harry questions suggestively, his eyebrow lifting. I shook my head, attempting to suppress my smile and he rolls his eyes. "Okay, you met a nice guy on the bus to here, what's this about?" Harry impatiently questions.

"Just listen to me. I was at rock bottom, Harry, my lowest low where I couldn't see a glimpse of light. All I felt was pain and heartache, I wanted it all to go away. And this guy on the bus, said he could show me what's it like to be free," I recalled how I felt that day. It was something I never wanted to experience ever again, which is why I refused to remember it.

What do you have to lose, Madeleine? Everything has already been taken from you- I remember thinking to myself when Harry asked me to get off the bus with him. Yeah, maybe he could've been a murderer but I was okay with dying.

"Why would he say that out of nowhere? What weird fucks are you talking to on a bus, Madeleine? He was probably...I don't know, crazy!" Harry scrunches up his nose, scolding me for my bad decisions through his eyes. "Well, I was desperate. So I did get off the bus with this mysterious ray of high sunshine and we-"

"Please don't tell me you slept with the guy," Harry groaned, interrupting my story time again. "Well...I kinda did," I mumbled. He takes his hand off my waist to pinch the bridge of his nose, his head shaking side to side in disappointment. I didn't sleep with Harry three years ago but I slept with Harry this week. So technically, I still slept with him. Well, that shouldn't be in past tense since it is repetit- shut up, Madeleine.

"So how did he show you to be free?" Harry questions, his hand falls to my waist again and eyes opening to stare at me. He looks at me as if he just wanted this conversation to be done already. "Drugs and alcohol. You could easily find us every night at the motel opposite a bar drunk out of our minds," I bluntly answered.

I threw up twenty minutes after inhaling cocaine the first time, Harry didn't understand how it happened. "I love this story, please go on," a false smile stretches over his face. "Well that didn't last forever. Monday morning, I woke up alone in our motel room, on the table was a book with a letter for me and a ticket back home," I continued on. I remembered feeling sad, Harry was unlike any other person I'd meet before and then I woke up and he was gone.

I did go home. I did try to give my father another chance but that didn't exactly work out. "He bought you a ticket home?" he asks in disbelief. I wonder if saying all of this would open the door that locked away those memories. "Yes. He made me believe there was hope with my father but there wasn't. Would you like to see the book he gave me?" I questioned. He sighs and nods his head," Sure, Madeleine. Show me the crazy guy's book."

I got off his lap and walked to the spare bedroom all the way across our apartment. It's where I hide priced objects in plain sight. Including Harry's journal sitting on my bookshelf. Easily I found the brown book and slid it out from between the other books. It's odd that I'm not nervous anymore, in fact I'm excited for Harry to find out that he's actually the crazy guy.

When we kissed for the second time, Harry told me he had a journal but he lost it so I'm hoping this is the journal he remembers. I returned to him and held the book out in front of him. Harry's hesitant hands carefully took the journal, I see his eyebrows slowly smoothened as he just stares at the journal. I know that thoughts are spinning around in his head, I wonder how chaotic he feels right now.

"Madeleine," Harry whispers, his thumb tracing the 'HS' Harry carved into the corner of the book cover. I remained silent, just watching as pieces of the puzzles met each other again.
"This is...mine?" He says, never taking his eyes off of the book. I know it's mine, but how is it mine? Like he's trying to come to the terms of it. "Yes, Harry," I confirmed.

Harry opened the book and gasped when he saw the first page. As if he finally came to reality. His head snapped up, staring at me. I could hear the sound of my heart cracking when I noticed the tears burning the edges of his eyes. "W-why can't I remember? Why didn't you tell me..." Harry stutters.

In that book was pages of a teenage boy describing what each different drug he took and how it made him felt. More pages on feeling alone in a room filled with people. More pages on waiting to die, doing everything just so someone can kill him but no one ever does. I haven't read them in a long time, and I don't think I want to anymore.

"I'm sorry," I apologized right away, needing to repeat it over and over but I don't. "I didn't want this version of you to know that version of me. I was avoiding speaking of what happened," I continued. "I...I don't remember..." he whispers, his eyes returning to the book, flicking through the pages as if his memories would resurface.

"Harry, you were an addict teaching me how to escape for a few days. You're not the only person that can't remember details from a time like that..." I tell him. Harry stopped running through the pages and looked at me again. His face captured pain so well, he wasn't afraid to reveal how he felt.

"How can I forget someone like you?" He choked out, showing me just how much he was stopping himself from falling apart. "I would have never continued if I knew I'd forget you. How could I forget you?" He continues to ask himself. Hear that? It's the shattering of my heart.

"I was such a fucking idiot," he scolded himself, jaw clenched with tinges of anger. "Every day I regret taking all of that shit a little more then the last," he sniffles and leans back with his eyes shut. "Your blonde hair...I think I remember little glimpses," Harry says, eyebrows tugging together. For the first time since I handed him that journal, I smiled. "Yes, I was blonde then," I confirmed, feeling happiness spread through my body that he remembered something. Even if it was just a glimpse.

"Anything else?" I asked. Harry swallows and shakes his head, the pain only more vivid when he opens his eyes. "N-No...I can't remember...I'm sorry, I- how could I..." The rope tied around my chest tightened as I watched the droplet of a tear slid down his cheek.

"Hey, look at me," I demanded sternly. Harry doesn't obey, so instead I leaned down and grabbed his jaw so he didn't have a choice. "You were on some pretty strong shit. You never gave yourself a chance to get sober. It's okay if you forgot, Harry. I don't like digging up the past and I don't think either of us were in a good place then," I firmly told him. I wanted to take it all away from him, I didn't want any more tears to fall.

"No, I wasn't. I had found out Draven tried killing me too and I remember feeling so betrayed, so hurt- so used," He whispers. Harry sniffles again and uses the back of his hand to wipe his nose on the hoodie sleeve. He moves the book to the empty space beside him and pulls me down on his lap again. Harry snuggles his head into my neck, hands locking around my waist tightly.

He pulls away, eyes drinking in my facial features. "So how did you end up here? Did you ever take the ticket?" He curiously questions, clearing his throat after. I inhaled deeply, remembering what had happened, what I saw. Didn't know if it was the right decision, to allow him to change the conversation.

At the same time I wanted him to have the full picture, not just puzzle pieces. I bet the Harry three years ago was probably wondering what happened to that girl on the bus if he'd remember me. He doesn't know everything about me yet but when I'm ready, I want him to. I'm an open book but there's some chapters I don't want him to read just yet.

"I did. I went home and I saw the happiest version of my father I've ever seen in eighteen years. It was only weeks after I was missing and he was moving out, I saw him kissing this other woman and she had this child with her..." I answered, slightly hesitant. It was my first time saying all of this, I'm happy it's to Harry though.

"His safe. I knew the passcode so I stole everything, stole a vehicle and bolted out of there," I continued. Millions of dollars worth in jewelry, handed down from generation to generation. He'd probably give it to me or my brother at the end of his life, so I just took it a bit earlier than supposed to. "I was angry, betrayed. I missed you and hated you for making me go there even though you didn't. I just acted out of those emotions, as one does."

"What happened the vehicle? Did they ever find it?" He asks, his fingers lifting to hook the loose tendrils of hair behind my ear. "Nope. I still have it, the red one. I stole from a junkyard. Shocker it was still working and everything," my eyes rolled.

The reason why I hate that car so much is deeper than what I appear it to be. It reminds me of the past, it reminds me of that day. No matter how much it pisses me off, I couldn't find myself to get rid of it. I'd put together little stories about everything. The red car was what I bought after working, it was the best thing I could've afford.

It's like keeping Zayn's favourite book on the shelf even though it isn't his exact copy. "So that's why Mitch came to you. He knew you had money to steal," He pieces the puzzles together. Harry doesn't ask me where everything from the safe was, I'm surprised that it doesn't shock me.

"Yes," I confirmed. Harry smirks, somehow pleased and impressed by all of this. His hands slide further down until they felt flatly on the curve of my ass. "You're a devil in angel's clothing," he murmurs. Harry leans in, pressing a soft kiss below the hinge of my jaw. "I'm impressed on how good you fooled everyone," his breath against my skin shot shivers down my spine. Paired with those words, I was giving in and falling right into his trap.

Don't Madeleine. Not now.

"Not happening, Sunshine. You can't avoid it any longer now, tell me how you feel about what you forgot," I ordered and pushed his chest to create distance. Was it hard for me to stop him from working his magic? Fuck yes. Harry sighs in defeat and leans against the back of the sofa. He takes his eyes off of me, taking interest in the TV stand beside us while in thought.

"Guess I'm not surprised. Loads of fucked up shit happened to me and I didn't like who I became after finding out everything. I'm happy that I didn't drag you down the rabbit hole with me though," he reveals and doesn't stop there," and happy that Liam dragged me out of that rabbit hole I was lost in. I'll just do anything to be here with you, Madeleine."

"If you want to know anything about that weekend, I'll tell you. I'm sorry I've kept it a secret for so long, not entirely sure why I did or if my reasons were good enough," I honestly apologized, still feeling guilty. "Well, I rather you tell me now then the way we were nearly two months ago," Harry smiles.

I'd have to agree though, before I didn't think it was worth it telling Harry. Maybe because I thought he'd just leave again one morning but I don't think that way anymore. In the little time we've spent together, I rather tell him with how we are now. There's no way I would've been comfortable enough to tell him then even if he deserved to know. Yeah, that makes me a bad person but it's okay because things worked out in the end.

"Still should've confessed sooner, thank you for not being angry," I honestly say. Walking out of my room, I was expecting Harry to throw all of his rage at me. "And I don't judge you for what happened with your father, okay? There's a reason behind everything, baby. I know you, and I know you had good reasons. Plus, I'm not one to judge," Harry assures me.

He grabs my hands in his and brought my knuckles to his lips, leaving a kiss on them. Fuck, he really owns my heart, doesn't he? "Thank you for telling me about us three years ago and your dick of a father," Harry says. "Thank you for not being an angry volcano," a smiled widely. It really did go way better than I thought. "Just shut up and kiss me," Harry ordered, tilting his head in attempt to kiss me but I'd always lean back.

"Under one condition," I told him. Harry looks at me, as if he's waiting for me to go on and I do. "You're not allowed to write me anymore goodbye letters, do you hear me?" I sternly tell him. Yeah, part of me was just playing around but the deeper part hoped that I'd never have to experience any sort of goodbye from him.

His hand on my waist moves to the nape of my neck. He gently nudged my head forward and kisses me. "No more letters," Harry smiles into the kiss. It's messy because we both couldn't stop laughing or smiling. One of those moments that I feel his sunshine in my heart, I feel his light.

Sunshine.

I pull away, leaving our foreheads touching and noses brushing. "I have a question but I don't know if you're going to answer it," I told him. I needed to bring up this topic before we get too comfortable again. There's still a very high possibility that Harry has been playing me all along. My heart started to race in panic again at that thought.

Is this the part where the tower we built comes crashing down?

"You've called me Sunshine the night before you left. We were drunk on a balcony floor staring at the stars. Then you called me that when you first got here...I thought you remembered but now I don't know what to think," I revealed and pulled away further. "Oh...so you think...it's not like that," Harry attempts to assure me. He sees though, that I needed an explanation to fully trust that it's the truth.

"While growing up with Draven, I learnt that there were two types of people. Bad people and good people that doesn't deserve to know the bad people. The good people symbolized brightness, like the sun, they deserve to stay in the sky and never see what's it like in the darkness of the world. I only associated myself with people like me and never with...sunshines. I wanted to keep a balance, a wall between the two," Harry explains.

I stared at him, eyebrows slightly furrowed and basically frozen in his lap while I drunk in and processed what he just said before I replied. "So I've been thinking for weeks that sunshine is something between us and you're here telling me that it's a thing you call good people?" I summarized.

Who was I to think that it was some special adorable thing between us? Harry smiles widely, so much that his dimples I love so much reappeared. How can I be mad when he smiles at me like that? "Basically, yes but you've changed that for me. That's special for us now," he assured me.

"I still think you're way too bright for me, but I'm so gone for you, I want to make myself better so we can be better, if that makes sense. You'll wait for me in the sky, okay? I'll fix my mess and then it will just be us," He adds. For Harry, there is no end. I just keep falling, falling and falling again. So yeah, I'm so gone for him too.

I hated the way he spoke about himself though, he gave himself too much credit. Harry's a little bunny and he thinks he's the big bad wolf. He doesn't see himself the way I do, and that hurts. "You are a star in the darkness, Harry. You shine, you're light, you're sunshine and I feel it."

For a long time I was pretending I had control of the wheel. I was lost and I only realized that when Harry were the light that led me out of the tunnel. "When did we turn into Shakespeare?" Harry grins with the biggest smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes and swatted his arm. "I'm serious, Harry! I'm no Sunshine, I've done horrible things to get here. We are wherever we want to be. We can be whoever the fuck we want to be," I firmly tell him. Believe me, please.

"We can be whoever the fuck we want to be, and I want to be wherever you are," Harry smiles. A small gasp leaves my mouth without permission as I reacted to what he just said. I'd run out of fingers if I attempted to count the amount of times this man fucked with my heart since we sat here together.

I'm so gone for him. I grabbed Harry's face and kissed him with everything I got, trying my best to show him how badly he's affecting me. His cold rings against my skin made me shiver as he holds me closer to him. I loved kisses like these, we didn't need them to lead anywhere.

We simultaneously slowly pulled away, my smile mirroring Harry's wide one. I briefly thought back to make sure there wasn't anything I could get over with in this moment. You know, since I was already on a roll today. Of course, there was something else.

"There's one more thing," I brought up before my mind convinced me against it. I've been thinking about this since Sunday at the back of my mind. Just didn't know when exactly to tell Harry. "Go on," Harry urges, his hand slipping under my clothes to massage the skin covering my hipbones.

"You have met everyone that means a lot to me. Daphne, Gemma and even Mitch when he's behaving himself. I don't have much people that I keep close, you are one of them. But Louis is also one of them..." I trailed off, letting him grasp what I was saying. "You want me to meet your ex boyfriend?" Harry summarized. Don't make it sound so horrible.

"Yes, I want you to meet him. He can come over some time and I can reintroduce you two. But I think only when you're comfortable-"

"Okay. How does today sound?" Harry cuts me off. I stare in shock of his response, how causal and simple it was when I was prepared to get on my knees for it to happen. To beg him or my other methods of persuasion.

"Today? You want Louis to come over today?"

"Yes, today."

Why did it take me 28 chapters to finally reveal all of this? I'm sorry of this chapter was too long, I just wanted everything in one chapter. Thank you for reading, don't forget I love you all so much and I hope you enjoy the rest of your week❤️

Credits on Instagram: @__1d_foreva__

❤️See y'all next week❤️