I know I'm always in my head
Some things, they must be said
Hurts me when I think about it

Lines in italics are flashbacks.
Trigger warnings:
self harm, blood, heartbreak and mentions of drugs.

They say happiness is the calmness before the storm.

This is my storm.

Harry was always here, always home. Every single time I came home from anywhere, Harry's there waiting for me. Whether he's excited or angry, he's still always there waiting for me.

This time is different, completely different.

From the moment I stepped inside of my apartment, I saw the broken coffee table. "Harry!" I shouted and slammed the door, rushing to find Harry to make sure he was okay. My heart was beating so fast. Even faster when I rushed through his room and mine, only to find him gone.

Harry is gone.

No. No. He can't be gone.

He's just fucking with me. After that thought enters my mind, reality decided to slap me like a brick across my face. I walked back in the living room, seeing darkened spots on my pink rug.

Please don't say those drops is blood, please.

"Harry?" I called one more time, hoping he'd just walk out of his room wearing one of my hoodies with that bright smile on his face. With that, I shakingly bent down and touched the semi wet spot on the rug.

I lifted my hand to see red.

The ball grew in my throat as the realization started pushing through their barriers. Didn't believe it then though, I checked back all of the rooms, called his phone, screamed his name until my throat burned. No response, no hope, none at all.

Over and over again, I circled the apartment looking everywhere his six foot frame could fit. Even running outside to check around the apartment. Harry was simply gone. I dragged myself back inside, feeling so tired and in a desperate need of a hug from my favorite person.

Where did he go?

My knees buckled and I dropped to the floor, my right hand on my left shoulder and left hand on my right shoulder. My nails dug into my shoulders, making sure the skin broke before slowly dragging my nails down my arm, delivering a different kind of pain into my body.

"Whenever you feel like you should hurt yourself, come to me first, okay? You're not alone, I'll be here," He promised. His words assured me I could trust him, I could believe him. My eyes shut tightly and I prayed and prayed that the memories would just stop. I just want them to stop, I just want Harry.

This is what spiraling feels like? "Sunshine?" I called out again, the cold hair hitting my burning skin was my only response. There's signs of struggle. Broken table and blood on the carpet, Harry wouldn't leave me just like that. He wouldn't.

When my foot entered the apartment, it was as if I was entering an alternate dimension. This wasn't where I'm supposed to be. This wasn't my home. This feels like a house, not a home.

Just the thought of that shatters my heart. This city is my home but it never felt like it until Harry barged into my apartment. I've never felt like I had a home but that was one of the feelings that came along with him. Now it felt like my home was on fire. What the fuck did I do?

I grabbed my phone and paused for a moment, feeling the blood under my fingernails. I looked at my arm, seeing the trails of blood. Ignoring it, I called Harry's phone again. "Stop fucking around and come home, this isn't funny," I spat into the phone the moment I was allowed to make a voicemail.

I dialed again, repeating over and over in his voicemail that I needed him home. It was probably going to stop me from making them soon. So I said one last message," just come home, Harry. I miss you already," I softly say, feeling drained.

Jolts of hope. My body straightens at a weird sound coming from outside in the yard. I looked around me, seeing the mess. I don't know what made me do it, but I grabbed the gun hidden behind the behind the TV, making sure I recalled my visits at the shooting station with Louis before throwing the door open and marched outside.

The first thing I noticed was a yellow car sitting beside my red one. That doesn't belong here. It was a very pretty car, that's all I noticed. There was a man standing on the pavement, he turns around and his eyes widens when he spots me.

He's not Harry.

His face is covered in bruises and he has blonde hair, that's all I notice. Didn't care to actually study him or the car, the only thing I wanted to do was get back Harry.

"What the fuck is this? Who the fuck are you?" I spat angrily. I was angry because he wasn't Harry. I believed in miracles, now I'm not so fucking sure. "I'm Liam," the guy blurts out. I stiffened in my step, body going rigid. After I hear his name, flashes of pictures on Harry's phone surfaced. This is Harry's Liam Payne.

"Where is he?" I calmly asked, all my energy goes behind stopping the water threatening to tip over my waterline. Liam's eyes take interest in the concreted ground. "He's gone, Madeleine. he left you this," he nods his head to the car sitting beside my red one. Now I noticed the keys sitting on the roof of the car. "There's letters on the seat he wrote you," Liam adds.

He's got to be fucking kidding me. Everything he said was a lie, wasn't it? "What happened? Why won't he come home?" I asked, voice breaking and the tears betrayed me, and slid down my cheeks. "This isn't his home, never was. I suggest you get out of here, find a new place, we know where you live," Liam advised.

Hadn't realized that I called this place his home, but it was, wasn't it? Is. He's coming back, right?

"This is his fucking home! Tell him to stop being a son of a bitch and come home!" I screamed, feeling pathetic that I was still in denial but he had to come home. "I'm so sorry, Madeleine," Liam apologized, nothing but guilt consuming his eyes as he stared at me, falling apart in front of him.

"What happened? He wouldn't leave just like that," I repeated and shook my head, grip on the gun tightening. "Are you sure you know him? Harry doesn't have room to fit a girl in his life right now. I'm afraid you got his intensions wrong. If you think this is his home, and you mean something to him, you definitely got them wrong."

A black van drives down the quiet road, Liam turns his head and I see his body relaxed out of relief. He was waiting for someone to pick him up. "Is he in there?" I asked softly. Liam looks at me and shook his head," no, he's on a plane." I bite my lip to stop it from trembling.

"I'm terrified of plane rides, I did a lot of research on plane crashes and I guess it never left me," Harry reveals, sliding the ring off my finger only to slide it back on. He looks up at me hesitantly, probably wanting to see my reaction. He smiles and leans in, taking his head off the pillow to meet our lips together again.

"Will I ever hear from him again? He isn't a bad person, Liam. He would've said goodbye a better way if he had the chance," I asked just as Liam started walking away. "He didn't have the chance, that's the point of me being here. Take the letters and the car and get a new place to live."

Liam walks off and quickly gets into the vehicle. It drives away without room for me to stop it, not that I wanted to. "Tell me about Liam," I asked Harry while drawing circles on his bare chest. "The first time you meet him he'd probably try to get you to dye his hair," he laughs. Another lie?

I grabbed the keys off the top of the car and opened the door. Two envelopes sat on the seat, each of them had a number on it. I walked back inside with hope that maybe this letter had an explanation or location on where I should meet him.

I dropped the keys on the table and opened the first letter that had the number one written on it. I slid out the paper and quickly unfold it. Harry's handwriting scattered around the page in black ink. For the first time in hours, I smiled. Then, I began to read.

Sunshine,

I planned never to write letters again for you, but I guess nothing goes to plan when it comes to us. This is the only way I could've said goodbye.

You're a mesmerizing piece of art, my sunshine. I wish I can hear your voice one last time before I leave. Our time together gave me something worth protecting, worth fighting for so that's what I am doing.

Our high was destined to fade.

This wasn't something we could've prevented even if I wanted to.

Always thinking of you.

Don't forget me,
Henry Smith.

My eyes dragged across the lines over and over, reading the words repeatedly. What? The letter slipped from my hand, it was like a feather handing on the floor but to me it was like a boulder. This is the only way I could've said goodbye. He said goodbye, this is his goodbye.

I grabbed the next letter and tore the edge of the envelope. Once the letter was in my hand I unfold it and quickly read what he had written on this one. Hopeful, I was so hopeful.

Sunshine,

There's flowers on your patio, don't forget to water them.

I wrote down all the recipes I used in the pink book in the kitchen.

All the five seconds of summer songs you liked, I put them in a playlist. Just turn on Spotify on your laptop.

I know you don't need it, but the two million is yours. You know where it is. The gun, feel free to shoot Mitch again with it.

You're stubborn and you don't give up even when you should. But I'm begging you through written words on a piece of paper, give me up. Joe cannot find me, don't try. I'm not coming back as much as I belong with you, I can't.

You should find a new place to live soon, D knows where you live and I just want you safe as possible.

You still have my heart even if I don't have yours. Praying every night I see you again.

Yours, H.

Three Days Later

This morning when I woke up, I remembered everything. It didn't take me looking at the empty bed beside me to remember. Like a slap to the face or being soaked in ice water. I stared at the door with amusement, my hands tucked under my head. Still slept on the right side of the bed because the left was Harry's.

Nothing wakes you up like waking up alone.

There's a hole through his bedroom door. One that I punched through with my bare fist. Shocking, right? That's why I'm proud of myself. Did it hurt like a bitch? Yes, but I'm still proud.

I turned to lay on my back and stare at the ceilings with my hands flatly at my sides. My eyes closed and I remembered the times Harry would walk into his bedroom quietly, trying not to wake me but I was already awake.

Why won't these memories just stop? It's been three nights since he left without return. He left behind a fancy car on my driveway, a gun hidden behind the television and two million dollars hidden under his bed. I haven't stepped outside since my encounter with Liam and I was smart enough to lie to everyone.

Trust me, I didn't want to talk to any of my friends but if I didn't they would have marched all the way to my apartment. Shouldn't feel guilty for not caring about Gemma right now, but I couldn't find it in me to. The only person I wanted to walk through that door was Harry Styles.

I dragged myself off the bed and walked outside. The apartment so empty, yet it's so filled. Sometimes I'm still in denial, but deep down I know that this was goodbye. Harry is gone, and I am here. Why? Because he wrote me a letter, just like he did last time. As much as I didn't want it to be true, I knew he wouldn't be coming home anytime soon.

It's like when you get that gut feeling and you just know that it's true.

I look at the living room, seeing him laying down on the sofa, concentrated at the screen. I look at the kitchen, seeing him mixing chocolate chips into the pancake batter, dancing around and humming his music. I look at the table beside me, eyebrows pulled in concentration, marker in his hand as he made flash cards while I studied opposite him.

Even the floor, I see him sprawled out laughing at his own jokes. I see us dancing in the living room, I see me in his arms as he takes me to our bedroom, I see him with a feather duster cleaning the book shelves, I see him pacing the floor while arguing with Liam on the floor. I feel his lips on mine. I feel his fingers dancing on my skin. I feel him everywhere. I see him everywhere.

My feet take me to his bedroom again, so many nights we spent cuddled here. His arms were blankets of warmth yet locks of safety all at the same time. "Cuddle me," I hear his voice so vividly.

The bathroom door opposite the bed was opened and I see him holding the shaver in one hand, white foam smeared on his lower face.

None of them was present, all of the things I was seeing were the past.

Every memory my mind punishes me with takes another piece of my heart. Something that I can't describe. The deepest heartbreak cannot be put into words.

I lay on the cold floor of my empty apartment trying to find the words but none surfaces. Didn't know when my legs gave out or when I started crying again. I'm always crying. Our moments together swam around my mind, forcing me to relive while I sobbed my eyes out.

My therapist back at home told me to always cry as much as you want to and never refrain yourself from shedding tears. "Crying leaves no scars, Madeleine. So cry as much as you want, for crying is better than hurting the body you are supposed to cherish." What happens when I can't cry anymore? What happens when I can't feel numb and all I feel is the pain he left me with? What will I do then?

The person that held me together left. Now there's broken bridges and I can't swim.

I want Harry. How am I supposed to be without him? I can't unpack the baggage he left. What am I now? What am I without him around? I'm falling into the pit of darkness and this time, those bright green eyes and angel smile isn't my light.

He was always the shining distraction that takes attention without asking. Yet he's so dark, so mysterious, so alluring. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Three days felt like an eternity yet three days wasn't enough for me to accept it completely.

Harry was always out of my league, someone that I thought I wasn't worth, someone that deserved better than me. Harry was always out of my league, but I had him anyway. Had. Harry was always out of my league, now he's out of my world.

I thought I've never been addicted to anything in my entire life. Until Harry. Harry Styles was like a drug. He made me feel feelings that no one could describe. I became addicted, how could I not be? Just like drugs, you don't realize how deep you are down the rabbit hole until he is gone. You don't realize how important it is until the source of your addiction is gone.

For every question why, he was my because.

His hands held me so close, showed me what safety truly was. But those same hands set me free without permission. But he didn't have a choice, didn't he?

"Damn it," I groaned and pulled my hair again. Wishing the burning on my scalp could make me forget what my heart was missing. How can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? My fingers sunk into my knees, feeling my nails dig into the skin brought me pleasure.

No matter how much happiness swims through my body, the deep end is always there. The dark voice is always there, reminding me of that nightmare where Harry wouldn't be here. Now, I'm locked in a nightmare that somehow came true.

The pain that came along with him leaving was a pain that no writer could ever put into words. Which doctor do I go to for a prescription for my broken heart? I am half of a heart without him. So where do I belong when he is gone? Where do broken hearts go?

Harry placed my broken pieces back together only to heal my heart so he could break it himself. No, Madeleine. Harry wouldn't have left you unless he didn't have a choice. Stop thinking like that.

how the fuck can I move on from this? It was like something inside of me was a breathing reminder that I cannot escape Harry Styles. Without him even being here.

Positivity. Positivity. Positivity. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can form together, Madeleine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll be alright.

No I won't.

Harry Styles was built like a soldier and I was the war he successfully won. He shattered me into uncountable different pieces and left me to piece the puzzle back together.

What a feeling to be right there beside him. Wish I could be there now.

Harry's the reason I feel. He is the source of my emotions, I was a dancing in the palm of his hands. Now, he's gone. The lights are off. The world feels dead.

When the person that gave you the best memories also turns into a memory. He's in black and white now, he's not a crystal image in all of his colours.

Forever? He made me believe in forever. Memories are forever, he is not.

He was taken from you, Madeleine. He didn't leave willingly. The worst part is there is nothing the world can give me to numb the pain. To take Harry away, even if it's just for a small amount of time. Not drugs, not alcohol, because I can't.

How can I continue the story of my life when Harry isn't written in the next chapter? How, someone please tell me how I can breathe without him? Harry Styles will always be my favorite chapter of my story.

Fucking shit, damn it.

I got so fucking attached. My anchor is gone yet I am the one that's falling to the depth of the ocean where the darkness in my heart is welcomed. "Stop, stop,stop!" I begged my mind, pleading that it would just shut off and allow me to breathe.

Our love was a solar eclipse. I guess that was one thing we never knew, if he- we was a moment or a life time. Harry was gone. My sunshine was gone. So now the sun was less bright. Harry was my moon and my sun because he lit me up but he's so far away.

"No more letters, okay? I'm here, with you."

"You own me, Madeleine. I'm all yours to have."

My hands grabbed my hair, burying them into my scalp to feel the burn again. "You fucking liar!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my head jolting back as sounds of misery escaped my mouth. He had to leave, Madeleine. He wasn't given a choice.

"You're the only thing that I got right."

I heard his screams from beside me, my head whipped to the side and I see him there. "There's a spider on the wall, Madeleine! It-It tried to poison me, I swear!" Harry's frightened features stared at the painted wall. "For fuck's sake, Harry just kill the thing," I sighed, not surprised one bit. "No, don't murder it!" He pouts. That's all they were, memories.

I just needed a flicker of hope. My trembling hand reaches for the phone I had thrown against the wall. It bounced back, the glass screen shattering but it was still of use. "What can I say for you to come home? This was never part of the deal Harry, the deal was for us to stay together no matter what, not for you to leave me, you fucking bastard. I don't want a car, I don't want money, I want- no, I need you, Harry. I really need you right now," I spoke through the sobbing.

"I just hope you're okay. I hate not knowing that you're not okay, I hate not seeing you, hearing you, feeling you. I hate it that you're gone and I know it wasn't your choice because you would never do me that but my mind is..." I trailed off into the phone, not wanting to talk anymore.

"Harry, I'm scared," I whispered into the phone, followed by sniffles. My hand was trembling as I gripped it tightly, trying my best not to let it go. For a split second, I thought he was going to reply. And that is what made me cry harder.

"Scared that I'll never love someone as much as I love you."

I waited, I actually waited for him to say something, but it never comes because he is gone. I slid the phone on the table and grabbed my car keys. I don't bother locking the front door because there is nothing inside worth protecting anymore because he is gone.

Whether he wanted to leave or not, he's still gone.

The red car started upon the first turn of the key, thankfully. I drove with tears in my eyes staring at the road, shaking hands gripping the wheel and chaotic mind falling apart. I had so much to remember but I just wanted to forget.

"Fuck!" I screamed and slammed my head down on the wheel hard. Thank god I'm at a red light. It hurt, but nothing hurt more than the pain Harry left me with. He didn't have a choice.

Why did I do this to myself? I was better than this, I wasn't supposed to be naive and weak, I wasn't supposed to be the cold butterfly distracted by the warm fire.

I parked the car and got out of it quickly. My feet took me up the stairs and I practically sprinted to his door. "Louis!" I shouted, my aching fists slamming down on his wooden door repeatedly. "Hurry up!" I pleaded, I just needed to see him.

He had my prescription for my broken heart. The door finally opened. Louis stood behind it, I don't care what he looked like today. "Hey- what's wrong?" His face fell, his facial expressions that came with worry appeared.

I pushed past him and walked into his apartment. "You know a drug dealer. ZM. I need his number," I bluntly demanded while he shut the door. "What? No, what happened?" Louis questions. I remembered when he accused me of knowing this drug dealer, but I didn't. The only one I knew with those initials was Zayn but there's no way he'd be a drug dealer. I wish I knew that person now though.

"Do you have anything? I need something, I just need to stop remembering him," I frantically asked, staring at Louis with so much desperation. Right now I didn't see him as a friend, I saw him as a way to get what I needed. Louis walked forward and one hand held my shoulder and the other my jaw so I was forced to look at him.

Need a chance just to breathe, feel alive.

"You're not going to make the same mistake I did, alright? No drugs, none of that shit. Even better, Z is out of the country," he flatly tell me with that stern look, telling me that he wasn't going to give in any time soon. "Please," I whispered, hoping he would just give me what I want. "No. You'll thank me later, where's Harry? Why are you here like this?" He worriedly questions.

The sound of his name made an uncontrollable sob slip from my mouth. I shut my eyes as the tears threatened to leak down my cheeks. "He's gone Lou- he left me, with a fucking letter. That fucking prick has the audacity-"

I tried to be angry, but I can't. My body crashes into Louis' chest and he wraps his arms around me, holding me close to him and allowed me to cry. "I've got you, don't worry," he assured me, pressing his lips to my hair for only a moment. "It's going to be okay, I promise you," he continues, his hands running down my back was supposed to make me feel better.

Nothing did.

It isn't our apartment anymore, it isn't our home. There is no more 'our.'

Harry was my once upon a time but not my happily ever after.

The roughness of this chapter was intended since my head was chaotic while writing this. This chapter holds a special place in my heart and it means a lot that you're sticking around, so thank you❤️

Sending you virtual tissues as my apology.