!!THIS IS THE SECOND CHAPTER OF A DOUBLE UPDATE!!
Please read chapter 33 before reading this one.
TW: Alcohol consumption and mentions of alcohol addiction.

There's a Larry moment towards the end, please skip it if it makes you uncomfortable instead of leaving bad comments<3
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I'm feelin' ya
What's on your mind for later tonight?

"Niall."

Louis was so hesitant to answer, clearly reluctant. Niall was Gemma's girlfriend's twin and he took Madeleine out on a date. I know something happened between them but Madeleine said it never got too far. Was she still interested in him all of this time? Was he just waiting for the perfect moment to strike again?

My heart shatters into unfixable pieces when Madeleine accepts Niall's flowers with a wide smile lighting up her entire face. I'm supposed to make her smile like that, not him. Her eyelashes flutter as she flickers her eyes on the white and red roses. Soft fingers delicately grazing the dainty, curved petals.

Those same fingers that traced the tattoos on my arm and her name across my heart.

I struggled to swallow past the splinters in my throat, well that's what it felt like. "Harry, I had no idea," Louis blurts out beside me. I fall back into reality and snap my head to Louis, not wanting to see her anymore. The blues in his eyes glossed by sadness and a tear. My tongue traces a circle on my inner cheek, organizing my thoughts and deciding what to do then and there.

Thinking of the future is a habit of mine. When I realized I was in it deep for Madeleine, I thought of the future and drew the line when her future is questioned. Planning today I thought of the future and accepted that she'd have to be my secret. Now, I think of the future.

Trust me, I fucking need her. Every piece of her that she is willing to give me, I wanted it all. Whoever is listening to the thoughts rushing through my head knows that I need her. She'll be forced into a position between two men that wants her. She deserves to be with Niall if you look at it from a distance. He can publicly be with her, and I can't. I'll be bringing my sunshine into the darkness where she doesn't belong.

I can't do that.

Especially, when she looks so happy.

The probability of her getting killed by Draven or his associates is higher when she's with me. I can't do that to her, I can't be selfish just because I need her.

"I need to leave," I need a bottle of liquor. The words tumbled out of my mouth without thinking about it because that's how my mind works. When the noise gets too loud, I'll take the first thing willing to lend me silence. Today, that's an old friend named vodka or whatever the bartender says is their strongest. I stood and walked out the isles, Louis attempting to stop me but failed. "You can't just leave!" He shouts, only for them to be ignored.

Lips on another, hands in another, smiles for another.

I rushed out of the building, ignoring everything else around me. Why didn't I expect this? Why did I think that she wouldn't be over me in three months? How could she make it look so easy?

I drove fast to get to Madeleine but on my way to the bar, I drove faster to get away from her. I shouldn't be doing this, I've gone a longer time than usual without a drop of alcohol but now I just need tonight. What if it's not just tonight and I forget her again? Well, that doesn't sound too bad now, does it?

Felt like a gift handed to me with a gold bow when I saw the bar completely empty as I strode in. A bartender stood behind the countertop, wiping them and he looks up at me. "Just opened, What can I get you?" he questions. My eyes searched at the filled shelves behind him, seeing the different sizes and colours of pretty bottles. "Bourbon for now," I chose my poison," the entire bottle."

His eyebrows shot up, shocked for a moment before grinning as he reaches for a glass and the bottle. "One of those days, I see," he acknowledges and I only nodded my head in reply. "I'll be back here, shout if you need anything," He says and throws the cloth on his shoulder before walking to the back room.

I fished out my phone from my pocket and sat on the barstool. I told Liam that I would listen to her voicemails when Madeleine is with me. Whatever she says in them, most likely I'll want to hold her in my arms and be selfish and I could've done that if she was with me. To prepare myself, I poured a glass and watched the amber liquid fill the empty glass.

My finger hovered over the play button for only three seconds extra. This was the last thing I was supposed to do with her and now she isn't here. Nothing went according to plan. It would slowly eat me away if I don't listen to them. So I mentally screamed fuck it and played the first one.

I listen to every single one.

Tortured myself to listen to her cries and begs for me to return home three months ago. It's like I heard how badly it affected her when I was gone. As other pieces of my heart fell off, I kept taking another drink and another to prepare me for the other voicemail. It's hard for me to believe that this is the same person that willingly kissed back Niall today.

"Harry, I'm scared," Madeleine whispered into the phone, followed by sniffles. My eyelids shut just as another tear swims down my cheek. Don't know when I started crying, but I was. It was like we were crying together. "Scared that I'll never love someone as much as I love you."

No. No. No.

No.

That's not how she was supposed to say it. No, not when I couldn't hold her face and kiss those addictive lips. I gripped my phone tightly in my hand until the screen couldn't handle the pressure anymore and cracks flooded the screen. "Damn it," I muttered and dropped the phone on the countertop but it was too late. The screen was shattered but I knew Liam could fix that for me.

"Fuck," I groaned and shoved my fingers through my hair, pulling at the roots in frustration and pain. Scared that I'll never love someone as much as I love you. What if she loves Niall? My hand wraps around the glass and I drank out the rest from the glass. Immediately, I needed more. I still felt every emotion that came along with seeing her with Niall and I just wanted it to stop.

The bell above the door chimes as it opens and closes while I'm in the middle of pouring another drink. I listened to the footsteps of the unknown person, not caring much about who it was. Closer and closer, until I see him slide onto the stool next to me. I turn to that fucking gnome, wondering how the hell he found me. His gown was gone and now he sat in a black suit. Yay, we're matching.

"This is a bit stalkerish, don't you think?" I questioned and pinched my index finger and thumb finger together. "You shouldn't be alone and I saw your car on the side on my way home," Louis simply says and looks around the bar. I wanted to ask so many questions, I wanted to care but I felt so drained and I guess part of me trusted Louis a lot so I just didn't bother.

"What are you thinking about?" Louis changes the topic, looking at me curiously with his elbow on the counter and face propped on his hand. "Honest answer?" I questioned and he gives me that 'duh' look. Oh is he going to play therapist now? You know what, maybe I need one.

"I miss her," those words are insufficient to how I really feel but they're the only ones I could've found. "She misses you too, Harry. She's been...different. You saw the surprise when Niall kissed her, that wasn't a normal thing between them," Louis attempts to convince me.

"That's not a valid point. She isn't used to someone kissing her like that in public," I pointed out, twisting the knife stabbed in my chest for myself. "Maybe this was a sign..." I mumbled to myself. A sign that Draven was right. What if she only fell for me because I was right in front of her.

Wait no, she had a choice between me and Niall before and she chose me. What if it was out of pity? That question stirs something inside me, the part that I've always avoided. "Fuck, this shit needs to work faster," I muttered. I tilted my head back as the rim of the shot glass touches my lip and finished the amber liquid in the glass until there was only a drip left.

Fuck, her touch, there's nothing more addictive than her touching me or me touching her. Every time my fingertips touched her skin, I wanted more. Screw that, every part of her was addictive. Every fucking part and now it felt like I had another addiction to get over. I glanced at the bottle of bourbon Guess I never truly get over my addictions, huh?

"It's worth fighting for, Harry. You won't know unless you actually go to her," Louis insisted. Damn it, he sounds like Liam now. "No, I don't want no stupid love triangles. Just wanted her and me but if she doesn't want that then I don't want it anymore," I denied Louis. Those words felt more bitter than the alcohol.

The part that hurt the most was probably that she moved on so easily. Here I was for the past three months, working towards being with her during the day and dreaming of her at night. Madeline smiled for Niall, she looked happy. Happier than I can ever be. I've been miserable.

It's been three months since I've left, nearly twice the amount of months that we've spent in that apartment together. How do I let go of the best days of myself? With her, I was a brand new person, I didn't need to constantly be fearing myself and I was open to being myself around her.

Louis huffed and reached over the counter to grab a glass for himself before snatching my bottle and filling enough in the glass. "I think you're being a coward. You're letting failure win too easily," Louis bluntly said as if he was so fucking sure of himself. I watched as he raised the cup and drinks almost a quarter of it. A smile broke out on my face when I saw his face scrunches at the taste.

"Her life with me in it now would be much different than the one three months ago. She won't get us being trapped away in our own little world. There are battles to fight right now and she deserves better than that," I sighed, hating all of this. I would have been going against my one rule. I'll always choose her until her safety is questioned. If I do go with her behind Draven's back then isn't that putting her in danger? Simply being with me is dangerous now. We'd get caught eventually again. I can't be the Harry that I was three months ago.

"But..." Louis trails off. He's refusing to give up and it's starting to piss me off. "Asking me to fight for her is putting her in danger. Is that what you want, Louis?" I snapped, holding the glass in my hand tighter than before. "Of course not but you love-"

"Don't finish that sentence," I cut him off. Damn it, yeah. I really do. "Niall is safe. Harry isn't safe, not anymore," I mumbled. Louis rolls his eyes and takes another sip of his liquid courage. "How do you know that? I think this is her decision to make, Harry. Just because they kissed doesn't mean that there's something serious going on. Just talk to her," Louis continued afterwards, fighting me without hesitation.

"She doesn't know that she has a choice to choose," He softly added. If he thinks he's helping, he's most certainly not. He has a point though but would Madeleine choose what is best for her? "Just leave me the fuck alone please," I gritted, massaging circles on my temples as if it would make my thoughts quiet. Selfishly speaking, it's easier for me to forget about all of this and be the good little killing machine Draven wants me to be.

"Harry-"

"I'm tired of being nice to you, Louis. Leave me the fuck alone, you're giving me a headache with all that bullshit you're saying," I fired, interrupting him before he could've gone on with his bullshit. I'm thinking rationally here, I'm thinking for her safety. "You know what, screw you! Can't believe I was kind to a dickhead like you. Thank fuck Madeleine doesn't have to deal with you anymore," Louis scoffed and picks himself off the chair, ready to storm out of the empty bar.

However, my anger wouldn't allow him to own the last word. I stood and pushed him against the countertop, stopping him from leaving. "You watch your fucking mouth around me, Tomlinson. Might just show you how much of a dickhead I can be," I lowly tell him, words holding a threat. What exactly was I warning him about though? No fucking clue.

"Fuck off," though he showed no interest in pushing me away. Suddenly, my mind was quiet and I felt free again, not caged by my own thoughts. "Fuck you too," I returned. For the first time since I pushed him against the countertop, I realized what position we were in and how close we were.

How much the lack of distance was an equation for a disastrous mistake begging to happen. His eyes flickered to my mouth and he sucks in a breath. I could see it in his eyes and the way his body reacts that Louis feels it too and now I realized that there was no way to stop us now. No way to stop myself. That voice in my head that usually screams at me that this is a bad idea was so quiet I could barely hear it.

"This is bad," Louis murmured, those blue eyes flicking between both of my own. "Very," I confirmed, waiting for something to pull me back but nothing surfaces. So close I could see his chin slightly tilting up, decreasing the space between us even more. I waited one more second for something or anything to stop me, the last chance before I screwed it all.

Nothing appears so I leaned in, diminishing the space between our lips.

Louis' lips felt so different against mine, neither of us surrendering against the other yet enjoying the fight of our lips. Fingers slipping into his hair, pulling his mouth harder to mine, demanding that his lips opened for me. This was wrong on the highest level probably but right now I had no control. It was the pretty bottle of bourbon that muted all my control and common sense.

Louis somehow separates our lips, the blue pools in his eyes more alive than ever. "My apartment is ten minutes away, we can walk," Louis pants against me, his hands finding the empty belt loop of my pants and pulling my lower half closer to his. How fast the night changes, huh?

It wasn't safe for either of us to drive right now. My head nods without thinking and the corners of Louis' glossy lips tugged up. "Say it, tell me you're okay with what's going to happen," he orders between another kiss.

Fuck, the alcohol didn't make me forget about her but Louis' hands and lips most certainly do. "Yes, I'm okay with it," I agreed without hesitation. I just need something to quiet the noise and the pain.

"Take me home."

Reminder: everything in this book is fictional! Ethereal Harry and Louis have nothing to do with the real Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, just like the other boys. I'm just borrowing identities here:)

I'm not ready to acknowledge the nine thousand reads you've given me. It makes me emotional every time I attempt to think about how much love and support you guys shower me with. I love every single one of you reading this right now❤️

thank you for making me happy.