I'd officially become the world's shittiest person. There was no arguing with that fact, it had just become my reality.

Why am an I asshole? Simple - because I'd spent the last two days ignoring the shit out of Mia. It was the last thing in the world I'd ever thought I'd find myself doing. But here I was.

I was sure she hated me at this point. The look she had given me at the lockers a few days ago when I had turned away from her, almost broke my heart. She looked so hurt and broken and I'd never seen her smile drop so sharply off her face. I hated that I had caused her to feel that way.

From her view, I had selfishly stolen her first kiss like an arrogant pig and was now ignoring her without a word of explanation. I knew why I was doing it, of course, but she didn't. And from that day, things had only gotten worse – more tortuous, agonizing even.

Knowing how much I lacked control, I'd been avoiding her locker like the plague and had even gone so far as switching seats in class, so I'd no longer have to sit beside her. She'd noticed. Of course, she'd noticed. I'd felt her fierce eyes digging into mine the whole time from across the class, her expression a shadow of undeniable hurt.

And the worst thing of all, the pinnacle of the torture for me, was the text messages. Mia had sent over twenty messages. She started off by asking me if there was something wrong and if I was okay. I'd drafted up a message at the time, but then swiftly deleted it, reminding myself I couldn't engage. I refused to let her get wrapped up with someone like me. One text message back, and I knew I'd be chasing her again.

Then the messages got worse. She started to ask me if there was something she did wrong? Or if I was mad at her? I'd never felt so guilty in my life, and though it nearly killed me, I fought myself back from replying. So, with all that done, I'm pretty sure it was safe to say she hated me. I would hate myself if I were her. I did.

It was funny really, I'd spent six years ruthlessly doing all I could to keep her attention, and now I was doing all I could to try and lose it. Not because I didn't want her, of course– but because I knew I shouldn't want her.

Lucas naturally thought I was an idiot. He tried to avoid using the word, idiot, but I knew that's what he meant. After his constant prying about my shitty mood, I'd eventually told him all that had happened after my kiss with Mia. I'd told him about the lady at the petrol station, looking through old photos of my dad, all of it.

Though he had sympathy for the woman at the petrol station's trauma, he was furious at the words she'd said to me. He thought all she said, 'was a load of shit' and she was just speaking through her emotions. But I wasn't too sure. I'd been raised by my dad for twelve years, and I had his genes. Whether it was nature or nurture that made a monster, I had both. I was basically a ticking time bomb.

Bringing my mind back to the present, I swallowed hard and slammed my locker door closed. It was lunchtime. And that meant the dreaded time when I was going to be forced to walk right past Mia's lunch table while trying to avoid eye contact.

Just a week ago, I would have slid right into the chair beside her and chatted with her for a while, but now I couldn't.

I'd proved just the other day that I by no means could handle being her friend. For fucks sake, it only took one second of her above me for me to attack her with my lips. I was pathetic.

Pushing my way through the cafeteria doors, I tried to keep my gaze strictly forward while trying to pull all thoughts of Mia to the back of my mind. Noise rushed past my ears as I entered the hall, and I immediately set my eyes in the distance to where the soccer guys were sitting on the far table.

Stay focused Ethan. Do not look at her table. Do not look at her table.

My eyes, clearly having no loyalty, strayed off to the side in search of their favorite target - Mia. The bastards. To my confusion though, I noticed Mia, nor her friends were at her normal table. It had been taken over by another group.

Figuring it was probably for the best I didn't know where she was, I walked over to the lunch line to get some food. I threw random stuff onto my tray in wild abandon, my frustration expressing itself in my hunger. Paying for it, I left and turned back toward the direction of the soccer guys.

Halfway there, I heard a giggle. A loud one. Then the sound of familiar laughter glided past my ear. As a natural response to the distinct sound of her voice, I immediately whipped my head toward the source of the sound. I fastened my eyes on her almost instantly, and the second I did, I froze.

The hardest of lumps formed in the back of my throat, and my stomach raged as I took in the sight before me. My heart jumped, then started sprinting. My fingers brutally squeezed the edge of my tray in a fierce grip, the way I wanted to do to someone's head.

This couldn't be happening.

Mia sat on Ben's lap. She sat at his table and comfortably sat deep in his lap and was staring at him. Really staring at him – with fondness while laughing...and what the actual fuck?

Making matters worse, my eyes then latched onto their hand placement. Mia had both her arms snaked around his stupid freaky blonde pony-tailed neck. Her face was so close to his - far too close to even resemble innocence.

And then my eyes fell to his hands. He had his hands around Mia's waist. My Mia. He was holding my Mia on his lap. It was the exact way I'd been holding her just days ago. That broke my heart worse of all.

I watched horrified as Mia lightly hit his chest, then left it there still laughing. "You're so naughty Ben, you can't say that," she called out in between a smile, her eyes never leaving his once.

My eyes locked onto the back of Ben's head; anger was far too gentle of a word to describe how badly I wanted to hurt him. I saw his hand curl tighter into Mia's waist. Forget hurt, I wanted to kill him.

I barely noticed my lunch tray slip out of my hand until it hit the floor with a loud smack. I saw several students on neighboring tables turn to look at me, with furrowed brows. All common sense, and logic left me in a rush, and no matter how much I knew I shouldn't make a scene, or do something rash, I couldn't hold myself back.

"What the fuck?" I yelled, wanting them to hear. Or more specifically, wanting them to stop.

The chatter around the room, diminished into nothing – a deafening silence. There was the odd whisper or two but nothing else. I should have felt shame, acting like a crazy ex-boyfriend over a girl I'd never dated, but I felt no shame.

The hurt and insane jealousy I felt seemed to be all I could hear or breathe. It drowned out all other emotions. She was my girl, mine. I was the one who had held her in my lap, I was the one who made her blush and I was the fucking one who kissed her. Not caring how much of a possessive werewolf cunt I sounded like, I continued to watch them with a locked jaw.

Neither of them turned to look at me as though caught up in their own little world, and even worse, Ben then turned to whisper in her ear.

And if that wasn't horrifying enough, the bastard then proceeded to sink his head into Mia's neck and started to kiss her there.

That last move was my unraveling and any last splinters of self-control I was holding onto were burned alive. I stepped forward in fast strides towards the direction of the table, and before I knew what I was doing, I snatched Mia's wrist and hurled her roughly off his lap and onto her feet.

The moment she was off, and I had a clean shot, I grabbed a fist full of Ben's shirt, and punched him square in the face. A shot of adrenaline rushed through me as his head jerked back from the impact. Ben let out a long groan and as blood started to pour from his nose, he clutched at it in pain.

The image caused guilt to briefly squeeze at my chest, but then I thought back to him kissing Mia while she sat on his lap. And suddenly I no longer felt sorry. I made a move to go in for another hit.

"Ethan, Stop!" Mia yelled from behind me. Her voice sounded panicked and desperate. She was likely worried I was going to mess up her precious boyfriend's face.

My jaw jumped in annoyance, and I spared her a side-eye but nothing more. I could barely bring myself to look at her, I felt so betrayed. How could she do this to me? And even worse, without any warning.

A voice in my head swiftly reminded her that I'd been ignoring her, and she owed me nothing, but I pushed that voice away.

Diverting my anger back to Ben, I looked him up and down in disgust as he lay crumpled over the back of the chair. I'd already warned this fucker once to not touch her, but clearly, he needed a second round.

"Sorry, are you stupid or something, or was I just not clear?" I snapped harshly. "Because If I wasn't, let me make it clear," I said as I leaned close to his bleeding face. "Keep, your hands to your fucking self," I repeated painfully slowly between gritted teeth.

At the back of my mind, I knew I was acting unfairly. I knew he had just a right to Mia as I did, but at the moment I didn't give a shit.

I felt Mia calm and gently place a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me. "Look, Ethan, you need to..."

Something in me snapped. And I'm not sure why I truly did it, but suddenly I turned around and lifted Mia clean off her feet before throwing her over my shoulder. Yes, I'd gone full caveman mode.

Mia screamed in surprise, clearly not expecting such a random move, and flailed around in panic against my shoulder. Instead of freeing her like I likely should have, I clamped my arm around the backs of her thighs to keep her firmly in place.

I wanted to keep her securely with me, and not with Ben.

I briefly let my eyes dance around the cafeteria and noticed some girls whispering and blushing as they looked our way while some of my soccer friends laughed in the corner. And least surprisingly, I noticed Lucas watching me with widened eyes while mouthing no.

Though I knew I was making a spectacle of myself, I refused to let her down, no matter how much she threw herself around underneath my arm. Was this an odd form of punishment to get her back for sitting in Ben's lap? Perhaps. And was I enjoying it deep down perhaps a little bit more than I should? Even more perhaps.

Far too pissed to ignore her now, I decided then and there Mia and I were long overdue for a long chat. Throwing one last dirty heated look over to Ben, I started to march my way toward the cafeteria doors with Mia still safely slung over my shoulder.

"Stop, Ethan put me down," she cried in frustration as she kicked and writhed in my gasp as she tried to fight free.

For every attempt she made, I merely tightened my grip around her legs even more while saying nothing. I just continued weaving my way between the tables, and over to the door, ignoring everyone's prying eyes. When I was halfway out into the corridor, Mia finally stopped struggling and let me carry her. Well, she still let out the occasional curse word under her breath which I suppose wasn't anything unusual for Mia.

Taking us through the corridor, I scanned around for an empty classroom for us to use. Finally locating one right before the corner, I turned sharply into it.

Lowering her gently to the ground, I turned around and slammed the door loudly behind us, to give us privacy.

Turning around, I finally took a proper look at Mia and swallowed hard as I took her in. Normally, the sight of her lifted a natural smile to my face, but this time, my mouth remained rigidly in place. I still desired her, of course. I always would.

But currently, all I could see when I looked at her was her and Ben. Her holding him, him holding her. Him kissing her neck. It hurt so badly to the point where I felt like yelling at everyone in sight, to the point where if I was being honest, where I wanted to cry. I don't think I'd ever be able to get the image of him kissing her out of my head – it would haunt me.

Suddenly it made perfect sense why jealous people were so bitter if they constantly felt like this. I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. It's a nasty thing to want desperately, more than anything to be in someone's place.

Mia's throat sunk in as she took in my likely angry expression, and her eyes danced over mine carefully -cautiously was probably the right word. And who could blame her? I'd kissed her then ignored her like a nutter for days. Now, boom here I was acting like a caveman on crack.

Even I knew that I was kind of acting nuts.

Her eyes continued to dart between mine as she awaited my response. I hated that it made her look cute. She shouldn't be cute right now; I was angry at her. Very angry.

Letting out a harsh scoff, I finally broke the silence. "Would you like to explain to me, what the fuck you were doing?" I snapped.

Mia's large brown eyes scanned me up and down then narrowed. "So, that's why you threw me over your shoulder, to ask me that? Are you fucking serious?" she laughed. "I can walk you know!"

"Oh, my bad, how rude of me," I laughed harshly. "Tell me, Mia. How exactly am I supposed to react when I find you hooking up with a guy you've repeatedly told me that you didn't like. It sucks to find out someone you trust is a liar," I yelled.

My argument even sounded weak to my own ears. It sounded ridiculous to get this upset over a friend lying about who they liked. But I couldn't tell her the real reason I was mad, was because I was jealous. That I wanted her to like me and only me. That I wanted her for myself. That it killed me inside that I couldn't have her, but Ben could. She'd think I was crazy if I said all of that.

Mia crossed her arms, her eyes ablaze. "And people can't change their minds? So, what if I like him?" she scoffed, stepping forward with her word.

So, what if I like him.

My heart died at those words, and I wanted to take a physical step back. She liked him - she liked Ben. She wanted him and she didn't want me. All anger I felt at that moment, collided into hurt. Pure, and utter, sharpened hurt.

A hard lump formed at the back of my throat as I processed those words. I should have arguably been happy that she didn't want me. That she wanted someone good. But I wasn't happy - far from it. In fact, I'd never felt worse.

As though those harsh words weren't enough, Mia continued. "You have given me no good reason why I should hate Ben. He's a nice guy, Ethan. A guy that doesn't ignore me all week for no good fucking reason." There was an extra level of harshness at that sentence, and her eyes brimmed with the same look of hurt I'd been seeing all week every time I ignored her.

Hit back to reality with those words, and hearing my own shameful actions reflected back on me, I felt robbed of all feelings of anger towards her. I wanted to yell back, insist that I was doing it to protect her.

I felt my eyes visibly soften. "Look, Mia, I – "

"I've tried everything, Ethan. Texting you, calling you, waiting by your locker. I even showed up at your fucking house. And I always got the same response – nothing. You made me feel pathetic," she spat, her voice breaking slightly on that last word.

A feeling of strong hatred for myself washed through me as I processed her words. I'd made her feel pathetic – that was unforgivable. And the break in her voice, made me want to die. I couldn't believe I'd made her feel so horrible.

Wanting to comfort her, I reached out but then quickly stopped myself and put my hands in my pockets. I couldn't let my guard down – it only took one intimate touch with her, and I was a goner. One hug and I'd never let go. One gentle graze of my hand against her cheek, and I'd be kissing her. I had absolutely no self-control when it came to her, so I ordered myself to keep my hands to myself.

I let out a deep sigh and lowered my gaze. "God, Mia, I'm so sorry I made you feel that way," I muttered honestly, my voice weakened "I'm just...I'm just trying to do the right thing." I looked up again, hesitantly now.

"The right, thing?" she scoffed.

"Yes, by leaving you the fuck alone," I laughed harshly, almost impatiently, the words spilling freely from my mouth from where they'd been trapped for so long. "I'm not a good person, Mia, and I don't want you near me. For fucks sake, I just punched the guy you like in the face. Do you seriously want to hang out with someone like that?"

The amount of self-loathing I felt as I spoke my last words, nearly crushed me. It was all true. I hadn't punched Ben for any kind of noble reason - he wasn't hurting Mia or anybody for that matter. He was a kind straight-A student, with a lot going for him, and I highly doubt he had any mental trauma. He was the kind of boy who'd probably never gotten into a fight in his life. I punched him because I was jealous of him – that was the simple reason at its core. And for that, I was a bad person.

Mia's eyes broke a little as she watched me, then reaching out she grabbed a hold of my hand that lay limply by my side. Though it was wrong, I let her, selfishly wanting to feel her warmth.

She locked eyes with me. "If that person is you then, yes, Ethan. Yes, I do want to hang out with a person like that. Despite what you may think of yourself, I really like you."

My heart thumped harder, shocked by her words. "Like I like you so much, that it physically pains me when you don't talk to me." My heart jumped a little higher. She really liked me that much? The more she spoke, the more I found my eyes jumping to a feature south on her face, tempted to do something wrong.

She gave me a kind smile. "You're one of my best friends," she finished, as she gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

Those final words broke the spell she had over me. A couple weeks ago I loved hearing her call me her friend; nothing made me happier after years of being her enemy. But now, it just made me feel bitter because I knew I wanted more. I'd always wanted more. The more time I spent with her as a friend, the more the feeling only became that much needier; more aggressive. The feeling urged me to do things friends very well shouldn't do. So, now hearing the word, friend, once again, felt the opposite of comforting. I hated the word when it came to her.

I tore my hand away from hers the minute she spoke the word and felt frustration once again eat me alive as I stared into her confused eyes.

"That's the problem, Mia. I can't be your friend. I suck at it. For some reason, I was stupid enough to think I'd be able to handle being your friend, but I can't. It's too hard!" I knew I was saying more than I should, but I didn't care – she might as well hear part of the truth.

Mia seemed to recoil at my words. "Am I really that horrible to be around?" Her voice was quiet, vulnerable.

I shook my head fast. "No, Mia, that's not what I meant. It's all to do with me, there's nothing wrong with you," I insisted, urging her to believe me.

"Wow, Ethan, was that seriously it's not you, it's me break up speech? Way to keep it classy," she scoffed. "Look, are you going to stop ignoring me or what?" Her eyes set in on mine, seeming focused on my answer like it meant a lot to her.

Her eyes made me want to say everything she wanted to hear. I wanted to tell her I'd stop ignoring her, and apologize for it again. I opened my mouth about to do so, but then I was brought back to the cafeteria. To her arms around Ben. To his arms around her. To them hugging and most painfully of all, the kissing. My mouth closed tightly back together, and my jaw clenched together hard.

"Just go make out with your new boyfriend, Mia. Since he's so nice, I'm sure he won't ignore you," I spat bitterly as I looked her up and down.

Not waiting too long to see the expression in her eyes break, I turned around and stormed out of the classroom without another look back.

And despite all thoughts, pleading for me to go back and take the words back, to tell her I didn't want her kissing Ben, bribe her not to if I had to.

But I didn't.

At that moment, I swallowed one harsh bitter truth. Mia wasn't mine – she'd never been. And if she wanted Ben, preferred him to me, who was I to stop her.

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Author's note:

Hope you enjoyed xx