Genre: Paranormal
Chapters: Prologue
#NBR Winning Critique!

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I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ "Tonight, she wanted stealth and speed so she left her katana home." - First, it may flow better with a comma after "speed". Second, since you already are telling this in past tense, you need to word this as "Tonight, she wanted stealth and speed, so she HAD left her katana home.", to separate a past action from a present action.

~ "A small group formed, as the warrior..." - I don't think a comma is necessary there. It seems to interrupt the flow.

~ "She dived into the floor..." - "Into" often implies passing through ("into") something. In this case, she lands ON the ground (I assume), not IN it, so using "onto" or even "toward" might be more appropriate. Also, "dived" and "dove" are both correct, but "dove" actually sounds better here.

b. Major Style Corrections

~ While possibly a matter of preference, I believe that when you have a double space between paragraphs, you have no need for an indentation as well. Usually, you just have one or the other. I could be wrong, I just distinctly remember losing points on several essays for making the same mistake, and being told to choose one method or the other. (In my personal experience, when it comes to Wattpad, simple double space works best.)

~ There is a lot of parallelism, which is normally very good, but I might suggest easing up just a bit on the adverb usage. I have the same tendency, but I am coming to find that sometimes the flow suffers and intended meaning seems forced whet there is an over abundance of adverbs. (For example, noting that the door she kicks down is "sturdy" really doesn't serve the sentence any more than not having it would. If anything, it's just an extra word, meaning it would do better to be cut off. Same goes, to a slightly lesser extent, to noting that the stain on the ground is "round".) The rule I go by when I'm proofreading is for each individual sentence, if it reads just as well without the adverb, take it out. This is a bit nitpicky, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

~ "She crumbled the paper and shoved it into her pocket. Then..." - "Crumble", by definition, implies something breaking into small fragments. I believe the word "crumple" would be more appropriate in this context. Second, I feel starting a sentence with "then" right there disrupts the flow significantly, and I think recombining it with the previous sentence would work better.

II. PLOT

1) Primary Points- MC heads into club and discreetly kills guards- MC chases assassination target- MC is knocked out on their trail

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism~ How could she guess the blonde guy's exact age? I'd guess the closest she could get would be "early twenties" or "twenty-something".

~ I might have liked to have seen more detail in the part where she stabbed the guards. I get that she did it quickly, but even if it wasn't a necessarily important section, a small amount of information about what that looked like could be helpful for envisioning it (for example, where she struck them, the amount of pressure used, how they fell. Any of those would help.) I did the same thing on my own story once, using brevity to amplify how quickly and easily the character incapacitated the enemy, but got this same feedback several times over, so thought I would pass it along.

~ On the note of the guards: WHY did she kill them? Unless killing them is part of her ultimate goal (say, they're willingly and knowingly from the same group that her target is), it seems both extra ruthless and extra sloppy to do it like that rather than simply knocking them out. People will freak out much more over finding them dead than finding them unconscious, and really, unless there is a VERY specific reason she kills them, it just makes less sense over all.

~ I didn't totally understand what it was that happened that caused her to black out. You described the pain, but I feel that I missed what it was that caused it. Maybe it's right in front of my nose, but maybe not. Does it have to do with the tunnel glowing red? Is she passing into territory she shouldn't (the Underworld/Hell)? I'm not totally sure.

III. COMMENTARY

Structurally speaking, this was nearly flawless. One of the only significant suggestions I can make is to try and refrain from starting too many sentences with "and" or "then". There are many instances in which doing this is perfectly appropriate, but I noticed several where it wasn't, and consequently disrupted the flow.

For the most part, sentence type was varied, which is good, although there were a few sections where abruptly stopping sentences all immediately adjacent felt awkward. There were some run-ons as well. Consider going back with a fine-toothed comb, maybe reading it out loud to help make sure everything flows smoothly and consistently. Again, this is more on the side of being nitpicky than anything else, it's obviously a very well edited chapter.

Grammar aside, let's move to plot! You take us through the MC entering a club, avoiding drunk dancers, and preparing for an assassination. The opening paragraph is nice, with a good amount of visual description mixed with brevity for the sake of the action. All of it easing into a final sentence (for the paragraph) that makes the reader moderately curious. 'Guns? Why do they have guns? Is something about to go down?'

You introduce the MC as someone knowledgeable with more unconventional weapons, quickly laying the framework for the soon to come paranormal themes. Quickly after that, you have her quietly and mercilessly murder three of the guards. You've already implied they are from a "them", which makes us wonder what kind of organization is being dealt with. Whoever they are, either they are very evil, she is an unfeeling assassin, or some mix of both. I'm not sure if that's how you intended to present her, but she does seem rather calculated and driven to get to her target at all costs (or at least the cost of potentially "innocent" life, as we can see so far), so be aware that that's how she appears.

I feel that the letter is the first part of what cements the conflict between the races, the second being where she confirms herself as an angel and her opponent as a "demon-human". You've named the sides, and the letter establishes the conflict. In response to your question, I think you've balanced it well, being a prologue, implying the ongoing battle without drawing too much unnecessary attention to the fact of it. I can't think of any better way to do it, really.For some reason, I had a bit of trouble both understanding and envisioning the paragraph where she opens up the tunnel, and I had to reread it a few times. The part about the tunnel becoming "fabric-like" threw me off somehow.

I did have to read over the last few paragraphs a few times, as it took a bit for what happened to actually sink in for me, but I could tell afterward that the descriptions and the action were actually pretty epic.

I've always been hesitant about prologues, but I feel you've got a good topic and that it's well written, so I didn't have too much of a problem with this one.Imagining all this as a pre-title movie opener, this would actually be the coolest thing. I'm imagining this epic choral theatrical soundtrack as she chases them through the portals. XD it's pretty cool though, which means it's probably a good prologue.

To answer your last question, about how to make the prologue stronger... That's a hard question. It seems like you've got a very strong base, with room for embellishment, so that's good. Hm... The only thing I could think of that might specifically improve this would be what I normally would suggest for first chapters, and what may or may not apply in this case. I read a quote once that basically talked about how, in order to hook the reader in, you have to make the character want something. It can be as small as a glass of water or as large as the main point of the plot, but giving them an immediate drive is what makes the reader immediately ask "do they get it?" You've already set a great framework for that: she wants to make this kill. The way you might embellish that is to imply some sort of personal stake for her in getting this kill. Something that makes the reader want her to get it, or at least makes them very much wonder if she does. The only reason this may not apply is because this is a prologue. You may be using the prologue to hint at the setup of future events, not as an actual first chapter, which means you may want the vagueness. The suggestion also only applies if the character is good, and you actually want the reader to root for them. If not, it may be better to get them to NOT root for her off the bat, rather than passively observing her make the kill, not sure why or whether they should care if she does or not. You've got the action, the excitement, and the only way to improve would be to pique the curiosity early (which may or may not work, as I write this before I read on and don't know how your next chapter starts or if this will even be useful.)

As for your first question, would I read on, if not for NBR? I have to say no, not because of any flaw or fault on your part, but simply because of the fact that I am not a fan of paranormal. If I were, though, I would guess that my thought process would be, subconsciously along the lines of "this was well written, I'll give the next chapter a shot, but I'm going in with a good dose of skepticism for the first impression, because I have yet to have an emotional investment in this, although my curiosity is moderately piqued." Overall, excellent writing that could use minor proofreading and moderate embellishment, which pulled me in decently well and has high potential for setting up an even better next chapter. Excited to read more!