Genre: Romance, LGBT+
Rating: PG-13

Note: I am critiquing this story as it was when I started (a few days ago), not taking into account any edits since then.

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I. OPENING

1) Cover

The cover itself looks great, in my opinion. The colors are consistent and complementary, and the font placement and style seems appropriate for the topic. It portrays as an obvious homosexual romance, which is fine if that's the air you intended to put off. I'm not sure how eye-popping or gaze-drawing it is, especially for a site that shows only small icon versions of the covers, but a full sized version would look beautiful, I'm sure.

EDIT: I think the old cover was a bit more attention-grabbing than the new one because it was brighter, though the seeming theme of the new one might attract more readers by the suggested subject matter.

2) Title

It seems to fit well the topic at hand, and is fairly well worded, if a bit of a mouthful. I have no ideas for changing it. "Risking the Election" has less syllables, but it may not fit the story.

3) Summary

- The first thing I noticed was that it was a big block of text, which was sort of an immediate turn-off. I'd suggest separating those out a little to help the readers a bit on the eyes.

- "...the first year with a power of two since 1024" - This part seems a bit awkwardly worded and I'm not actually sure what you are trying to say here. It took me a long time to even wonder this, but I wonder if you mean 2024, and when you say "power of two", if you mean that a Constitutional amendment was made to have there be two executive heads (presidents), one from each party. That would make sense, but it's not well-conveyed by the wording and the typo.

- "Taylor Fields, the 17 year old son of Len Fields the top Republican candidate for the election, can't WAIT for the elections to be over so that all the stress can go away, he can FINALLY enjoy his senior year, and his currently tenuous relationship with his long-time girlfriend can go back to normal, the way it was before the election." - This is a textbook case of a run-on sentence. I'd suggest breaking it up by doing something like this: "17-year-old Taylor Fields, the son of the top Republican candidate, can't wait for the rush of post-election stress relief. He desperately wants to enjoy what's left of his senior year, as well as patch up his currently tenuous relationship with his long-time girlfriend. He just wants things to go back to normal."

- "The last thing he wants is Wren Sanchez, 17 year old son of Carlos Sanchez the Democratic candidate for the elections, and an openly gay "bad boy", coming to his high school after the high school he was attending broke down. It wouldn't even be that hard to stop "fraternizing with the enemy" even if they did go to the same school EXCEPT for the fact that Wren seems to not only take a liking to him but also start to openly pursue him." - A few missing commas here, but also could be a little better worded. Just a little: "The last thing he wants is Wren Sanchez, the son of the top Democratic candidate and an openly gay "bad boy", transferring to his highschool. "Fraternizing with the enemy" shouldn't even be an issue, but it becomes one when Wren seems to not only take a liking to Taylor, but also begins to openly pursue him."

- "What could possibly go wrong?" is a pretty good way to end the summary with a dash of sarcasm but also mystery. I'd leave that as it is. *thumbs up*

- For a point of drama, I'm wondering if implying right before the last line something about Taylor liking the pursuit might amplify the last line even more. Just a thought.

- The summary as a whole contrasts slightly with the cover, making the romance sound almost like an undertone to the political drama rather than the other way around as the cover would suggest. This seems a rather minor thing, and maybe need not be changed at all (maybe they simply complement each other), but it is still worth noting.

II. ELOCUTION: CHAPTERS 1-2

This is where I work on how to specifically enhance grammar correctness and especially flow. Several of these edits are not grammatically necessary, but will greatly benefit the flow and ease of reading. You personally have every right to decide which edits to take serious note of. A great many of these may be my own personal preference. Use your own discretion, but keep an open mind.

a. Formatting

Chapter 1

- I started reading this on mobile, and the first thing I noticed was the huge indentation. I have a feeling you wrote this on desktop, because it looks pretty good there, but on mobile, an indent is about half a line and really messes with the flow of the page. I will note that the large majority of Wattpad is on mobile. I would suggest removing (or at least severely lessening) the indentation there, so you don't turn off the majority of Wattpad readers to your story.

- "Honestly, all those people had EVER done was..." - I highly recommend not using capitalization for simple emphasis, as it has come to imply shouting. Italicization is much more professional in appearance, so as follows: "Honestly, all those people ever did was..."

- You spelled "A+" without wording and "B minus" with wording. I'd suggest consistency there, picking one format and sticking to it (worded is more professional).

- "...definitely don't use it well. At All." - I think you were trying to capitalize "all" but only did the first letter. Again, I recommend italicization rather than capitalization for emphasis. So: "At all." I won't point out any more cases of capitalization instead of italicization, even if there are any. You can find those yourself.

Chapter 2

- On mobile, the first thing I saw was a huge block of text on the first page. People are often intimidated by long paragraphs, and I'd suggest trying to divide it up into smaller ones if you can. This applies to all chapters thus far.

- "I HATE you." - I just wanted to point this out as a time when capitalization is more likely to be appropriate: when someone is actually shouting.

- ""Don't mess this up." her eyes convey." - "I think you forgot to turn italics off before typing the rest of the sentence, because the next word is not capitalized, as well as being italicized when it shouldn't be.

- NEVER EVER insert an Author's Note directly into the middle of a chapter. This creates an extreme reader disconnect, yanking them out of the flow of the story and annoying them enough to possibly make them stop reading altogether. If it's really necessary to say, put it at the end, or if you must, the beginning. Never the middle.

b. Grammar / Diction Corrections

Chapter 1

- "I rolled my eyes as my dad went on and on ranting about the other candidates, especially his fiercest competitor the "illegal alien" democratic top candidate Carlos Sanchez (who, by the way, was a completely legal US citizen, believe me, my dad checked)." - That's a lot of information packed into one sentence. I'd suggest breaking it down a little to help the readers out. (Also, "on and on" right next to "ranting" is pretty redundant.) Such as: "I rolled my eyes as my dad went on and on about the other candidates. He was especially critical of his fiercest competitor, the "illegal alien" democratic candidate Carlos Sanchez. He was, by the way, a completely legal US citizen. My dad checked." Having the last couple sentences separated helps add the dry humor effect I think you were going for in the parenthetic section.

- "As he continued to rant..." It's good to use rant here if you use "on and on" in the previous sentence, because that gives some variety.

- "As he continued to rant, I just gave up on him stopping and checked out the bug on his website, probably done by one of those idiots he hired to manage the website. Honestly, all those people had EVER done was sit around while I made the website and then just mess everything up. Dad's manager had hired them though so I was stuck with them until the election." - I would remove "just" because it clutters up the sentence and is not necessary. Also, he must give up on a thing, not an action. I would also suggest rewording as follows: "As he continued ranting, I gave up on the prospect of him stopping and decided to check out the bug on his campaign website. The idiots Dad's manager hired seemed to do nothing but leave me to all the work, then mess it up and say they'd "helped"." It conveys the same information in a condensed version and a way that flows easier.

- "Don't talk to me like that son!" - Should be a comma between "that" and "son".

- "My dad sternly reprimanded me for rolling my eyes at him and I cowered away, backing to the corner as if stung by his comment." - "Sternly" is an unnecessary adverb and is kind of redundant, as a reprimand implies sternness. I'd remove it because it weighs down the sentence. The sentence reads a little awkwardly, but is grammatically correct. I would also drop the "and" and start a new sentence with "I cowered away...".

- "Ever since the middle of 2047, right before what he thinks will be his career milestone, my father has really cracked down on us, always yelling about respect and demanding the most random things." - This sentence seems fine, except for the second phrase. It's switched to present tense, and I'm not actually sure what it is you're trying to say. You start off saying "ever since" as though what you say next will have been continuous into the present tense, then you say "right before", as though you're back in the past tense. It's kind of a generally confusing sentence and I'd suggest rewording. Also, you switched the whole sentence to present tense. It needs to be past tense for consistency.

- "But, it didn't really matter to me because I would do anything to please him, Luke even told me once..." - There should not be a comma between "but" and "it". Also, drop the comma between after "him" and start a new sentence with "Luke".

- "Though I still believed... in my opinion." - Starting sentences with "although" sounds a bit more professional than "though". I would also drop the "in my opinion" clause.

- "As I saw my stepmother walk in the background I continued to think about Luke and our rebelliousness scale." - A few things here. The first half of the sentence is confusing, and I would reword it. "I saw my stepmother walk into the room in my peripheral, but I simply continued thinking about Luke and our "rebelliousness scale"." I would add those quotations around "rebelliousness scale for added effect, as well as say put a put a comma after "background" (or "peripheral" in the rewritten version above).

- "Len! Stop working your son so hard, it's your election, not his." - I like her already! XD Otherwise, I'd just say replace the comma with a period between "hard" and "it's".

- "She and her daughter Katy..." - There should be a comma after "daughter".

- "...catching Katy's eye as the two of us rolled out eyes..." - Using "eye" twice isn't horrible, but can be made an excellent sentence by avoiding the repetition: "...catching Katy's (stare/glance/gaze) as we both rolled out eyes..."

- "Our way too overly excessive parents." - This sentence is largely unnecessary and breaks up the flow, so I'd remove it altogether.

- "...expressions of disgust on our faces." - This is a bit redundant, as one word implies the other. Try either "disgusted expressions" or "faces twisted in disgust" or something like that.

- "...the wrinkles on his face starting to soften..." - I'm noticing you turn a lot of verbs into their "to be" forms. It would sound best if you simply said "softening".

- "...can't wait for tonight, gonna love my honey." - Replace the comma with a period.

- "...looked at them with an annoyed and more than partially disgusted look..." - First, I'd fix "partially disgusted" to "slightly disgusted", because it makes more sense when measuring the amount of disgust. Second, "look" is repeated, and avoiding that would be best. Maybe change the second "look" to "expression".

- "...go to your rooms if you want, Lauren and I..." - I highly suggest putting a period instead of a comma.

-"Within seconds, I was up on my computer... ...an A+ of 99.97%" - I'd divide this into two for the sake of flow: "Within seconds, I was up on my computer ready to do some extra credit work for science. I wanted to boost my grade up to the highest in the school for that class, a 99.97%."

- "...Katy walked in as if she owned the place and collapsed..." - I'd make that two different sentences rather than linking them with an "and".

- "...like a sad life but, hey, I would..." - Move the comma to after "life" and before "but". I would also probably get rid of the "at least" at the end of the same clause.

- "...time to have a bit of fun daddy's boy..." - Needs a comma after "fun" and before "daddy's".

- "...really gotta stand up to your dad, hell, he calls you..." - The comma after "dad" should be a period. That sentence needs to be divided.

- ""...too girly" in his opinion but I knew that it was fine, everyone had these random things that seemed perfectly normal that they couldn't do." - Comma after "opinion". Change comma after "fine" to a period. I would also say "wouldn't", because Len obviously could if he chose to.

- "Sure, my dad wasn't perfect but he was the only one I had and I didn't want to argue with him in fear that he'll get upset with me." - Comma before "but", "he'll" should be "he'd" since it's past tense.

- "...knew that I was a lost cause," - End with a period, not a comma.

- "...avoid mentioning your name in interviews instead calling you..." - Comma after "interviews".

- "Today there's a sick back to school party..." - It should be "back-to-school party".

- "...and then gave me a pouty puppy dog eyes face." - Should be "puppy-dog-eyes face".

- "I replied with a sigh, angry for giving in to her." - Would make more sense if you said it like "angry at myself".

- "But just in case I already asked him..." - Comma after "case".

- "...one of the most sought after boys in school." - "Sought-after".

- "...before looking at me with an exasperated look." - Again, repetition of the word "look". You could change "looking" to a synonym (glancing, glaring, etc.), or the second one to "expression" or the like.

- "She looked disgusted as she looked at..." - Same as above.

- "I said, looking at the attire with a glare, as if glaring at my clothes, angry at their very presence." - You've already established that he was glaring, but saying that his glare is like a glare is redundant. No simile needed. Simply remove the middle part and say: "I said, glaring at the attire as if angry at its very presence."

- "Katy gave me a once-over, looked at my closet one more time and then turned." - Don't forget your Oxford comma! That goes right before the "and".

- "Give me one good reason why you guys are not the perfect match?" - This is not a question. It needs a period, not a question mark.

- "Katy grinned as she twirled around my room never knocking down a single thing..." - Comma after "room".

- "...already ready to retort to that." - The wording here is awkward, and sort of repetitive. Consider: "...already prepared to refute that."

- "...literally no understanding of that stuff, I mean..." - This sentence as a whole is a run on, and I would suggest dividing it after "stuff".

- "...someone like her, there was no way I would..." - Add either "and" or "that" before "there".

- "Life didn't work like that, I wasn't giving up someone..." - Period, not comma.

- "...since we'd talked but that wasn't for lack of trying." - Comma after "talked".

- "...as awesome as it used to be, it was just that..." - Period, not comma.

- "...phone started ringing causing..." - Comma after "ringing".

- "...just as bad as Lauren and dad like honestly..." - "...just as bad as Lauren and dad, like, honestly...".

- "...were nothing like that, we didn't need..." - Period, not comma.

- "Quickly, I shoved my clothes on..." - This may just be me, but how do you shove clothes on? "Shoving" heavily implies pushing or hoisting something, and I believe dressing oneself is a much more elaborate process than that. I would suggest using another word. (Please, don't pick "throwing" as an alternative, either. Very overused.)

- "...showered us both with gifts and while I wasn't a car dude I couldn't help but admire..." - Comma after "gifts" and "dude".

Chapter 2

- "Katy's boyfriend Owen greeted us..." - Commas around "Owen", like so: "Katy's boyfriend, Owen, greeted us..."

- "...hugged her in his arms..." - "in his arms" is redundant, because hugging implies using your arms. I'd suggest just saying "hugged her".

- "He ran to her and hugged her in his arms, giving her a light peck on the cheek with a loving look in his eyes, one that made me know that he would always be kind to her." - A bit of a run-on. I'd suggest breaking it into two sentences, like so: "...giving her a light peck on the cheek. The loving look in his eyes made me know that he would always be kind to her."

- "Lianna completely ignored me stepping in and ran out to..." - Comma after "me".

- "...sticking up one finger of her manicured, pink hand." - This makes it sound like her hand is pink.

- "...I started to appreciate the beauty located in this house." - This is a really awkward attempt at higher vocabulary, I think. Keep it simple. Say something like: "...I started to appreciate the beauty of the house", or "...I started to appreciate the beautiful artwork hung on the walls" or something.

- "...sunset painted walls creating a warm..." - I would say "sunset painted the walls" for the sake of extra clarity (otherwise it sounds almost like the walls were actually painted with sunset murals). Plus, a comma after "walls".

- "And, this was why we would..." - No comma needed after "and".

- "So angry at her for not liking the picture I did something..." - Comma after "picture".

- "...normally easy-going and chill (well not about grades.. duh XD)..." - I would omit the parenthetic part completely. Especially the emoticon. It's rather unprofessional and draws the reader back out of the story (something you definitely don't want to do.

- "...found the perfect artwork..." - "piece of art" would sound less repetitive and flow smoother.

- "And that, well, that made me angry..." - Either get rid of the "well" or start it with ellipses, like so: "And that... well, that made me angry..."

- "Yeah, that was a pretty blow up." - Did you mean "pretty big blow up"?

- "...insignificant to everyone else but right now..." - Comma after "else".

- "Owen's eyes were as wide as Katy's but he only stared at me..." - Comma after "Katy's".

- "...Katy swiftly sped..." - A bit redundant... "sped" implies the swiftness, making the adverb unnecessary.

- "I had probably destroyed a few friendships I hadn't even known I made." - This phrase is really kind of confusing. I don't know if it's the wording or the meaning itself, because I'm not actually sure what friendships are being talked about. The only person I thought was damaged by all of that was Lianna, and from what I can tell, they didn't have any friendship at all.

- "...and the deafening loud, booming noise..." - It should be "deafeningly", because it's an adverb.

- "Katy glares at me over the dark green hood of the car of the car..." - You repeated "of the car" twice, here.

- "...turning to head to the house, head up, back straight..." - This is another run-on. Consider dividing it into another sentence right before "head up".

- "Resigning to another night..." - This is another run-on.

- "Quickly patting it down to make sure that no one had left some "souvenirs"..." - I would change "some" to "any".

- "It doesn't take long for me to reach into my pocket and take my phone out of my pocket..." - "pocket" becomes repetitive. Change the second usage to something like "take out my phone".

- "...finding myself to quickly finish the first part..." - This reads a bit awkwardly. Try something like "finding myself quickly finishing the first part...". This sentence is also a run-on.

- "My brow dripped with sweat just from the heat of this place and I moved my hand up to wipe off the lingering sweat..." - Repetitive use of "sweat". Try: "My brow dripped with sweat just from the heat of the place, and I moved my hand up to wipe it away...".

- ""Go away," I replied sultrily. - I will note that sultry has two definitions and two definitions only.
1) hot and humid
2) sexually attractive (esp. of a woman)
I would suggest being extra careful with word usage.

- "...squinting his eyes as it protruded down what he called his..." - As what protruded? I thought you were talking about sweat(?).

- "...undisturbed by the loud, booming of the music..." - Since"booming" is used as a noun and not an adjective, no comma is needed between it and "loud".

- "...pulled back his head to guffaw, Jay couldn't resist..." - This one blatantly needs to be a period, not a comma.

- "...at this time period..." - This implies speaking from the perspective of distinctly separate time period, which is not good. You want it to sound like it actually takes place at the time the narrator exists in.

- "I grinned as I said the last one..." - The last what? Please specify.

- "...in his element." - ...huh?

- "...with a glare centered straight onto me." - I think "focused" would fit better in this context.

- "...wide, unexpected eyes..." - "Unexpected" is not a term typically used to describe an eye expression. Consider something like "surprised" instead.

- "...runs his hands through hi slightly mussed up hair..." - Typo. Correct "hi" to "his".

- "This is definitely the kind of guy my dad want me to steer clear off..." - This could either be "my dad wanted me" or "my dad wants me" or "my dad would want me" or "my dad would have wanted me". Change it accordingly, but it's not correct as it is currently. Also, it should be "of", not "off".

- "...eyes staring right through me and into my soul." - I'm sorry, but that's a totally cliche line.

- I'm going to stop pointing out run-ons and period-comma switches now. I hope I've pointed out enough of them that you can find the rest on your own.

Overall

- An important thing to note is that you started off in past tense but soon changed to present tense. You shifted back and forth several times over the course of the chapters (I won't list them all). You need to pick one and stay with it.

- A few times, your ellipses (...) only had two dots in them. Make sure you use three, for grammatical correctness.

c. Imagery Corrections

- There was actually almost no real imagery in this. One of the perks of urban fiction, I suppose: very little worldbuilding needed. Still, the lack of description might also be considered a weakness.

d. Dialogue Corrections

Chapter 1

- "Dad, you're going to win this thing, stop stressing already and let me work on your campaign for the younger people without you constantly interrupting me!" - As a first line, it's not bad, but somewhat lackluster. There's not any urgent need to change its content, but the wording is a little off. I know in the beginnings of stories, people tend to try and convey some sense of worldbuilding (either macro-worldbuilding such as societal structure or micro-worldbuilding such as immediate situation) through dialogue. This is rarely done correctly, and usually results in the character saying something that is awkward or not something a real person would say, because the author is using the wrong medium to convey the message. I'd suggest rewording it like this: "Dad, you're going to win this thing! Stop stressing already and let me work on your campaign without you constantly interrupting me!" Because for the sake of realism, both Taylor and his dad would know that it was a campaign for the younger people, and it would not make sense for Taylor to specifically voice that unless he was putting specific care into his wording. Considering he sounds rather frustrated, I imagine he wouldn't have had the presence of mind, much less the care, to put in that specific phrasing. You could imply that it was for the younger people or for his school or whatever through thought process later on, making it sound more smooth and natural. A good tip on that note is to read all of your dialogue out loud and see if it sounds natural. Or even have someone else read it out loud and decide if it sounds natural. If not, change it until it does.

e. Favorite Parts

Chapter 1

- "Innocent minds here, innocent minds." - I found this cute and ironic and it made me chuckle. Relatable, too.

- "...we didn't need endearing pet names to be a great couple." - This is a personal love on my part, but I do really appreciate seeing a couple like this because the ones that call cute names really annoy the crap out of me, so... THANK YOU.

- ..."lost in the euphoria of his voice"... - Definitely something I could see her established character saying. Funny! XD

- "I grabbed onto the side of my seat for support and tightened my seatbelt as she drove like the crazy maniac she was all the way over." - Love this!

Chapter 2

- Your description of the "beauty of Lianna's house" was really nice, too.

- Taylor's outburst has been my favorite part of the book so far. XD

III. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- Basic character relationships established.
- Taylor and Katy talk in Taylor's room; Katy convinces him to come to party.
- Katy drives them to Owen's house.

- Taylor blows up at Lianna.
- Taylor, Katy, and Owen drive to the party.
- Taylor hides away from the party, playing on his phone.
- Taylor and Jay talk.
- Taylor and Wren meet, then decide to go downstairs to talk away from the noise.

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

- (Chapter 1) Between the first and second paragraph, you have it like this:

1) Taylor tells Dad to stop stressing, rolls eyes.

2) Dad continues to rant while Taylor edits website.

3) Taylor internal monologue.

4) Dad reprimands him.

Do you see the problem? There's a consistency error here: Dad only reprimands Taylor AFTER continuing to rant about his opponent, and after Taylor's mind has already completely left the topic. The time for Dad to stop ranting and Taylor to have at least investigated the bug a little bit would be at least 20-30 seconds. This is way too long between the action and the reaction, which should be immediate.

- (Chapter 1) There are a few points where you've tried to describe how Taylor feels about his dad that have been a little contradictory. His actions show that he is extremely afraid of his father's wrath (his cowering), but is not very wise as to what exact might incur that wrath (him rolling his eyes in the first place. He wouldn't have done that if he'd known it would make his dad angry, meaning he doesn't know the kinds of things that might make him angry). His internal thoughts make him sound almost paranoid of making him angry, either out of fear of the anger itself, or fear of its cost on their relationship (which is most likely, as that's what he said in his thoughts). He also "said" that he really liked his relationship with his dad, but I'm curious if that is actually true. I think he is either a) lying to himself, b) horribly afraid of conflict, or c) the author made a consistency error. The last two seem most likely to me.

- (Chapter 2) "Nobody talked as we got into the car..." - This was a bit of a big leap. One moment they were in the house, the next second, they were close enough to the car to actually get inside. There was no transition period in between, no walking / running out to the car or anything.

- (Chapter 2) You say that Taylor sits down on a lush couch and such, but when Jay sits down it suddenly becomes a hard bench? If there are two objects in play, it would be helpful to say so specifically.

- (Chapter 2) Here, I felt like your descriptions of Taylor's feelings towards Jay were very contradictory. At first, he seemed heavily irritated at his very presence, not seeming to like anything about him at all. Then, you threw a curve-ball and said he was his best friend since preschool? I feel like this was either a consistency error/plot hole/oversight, or it was simply not elaborated on well enough for us to actually understand their relationship. Granted, it was not the highlight of the chapter, but still.

- So if this is in the future, I'm surprised I haven't seen any technology differences yet. Considering this isn't in the science fiction category, I'd think the tech differences would be subtle, but I'm not seeing any at all.

- You mentioned that you were saying this was some strange AU because you kept making modern music references, right? Well, you can make up band names for the sake of consistency. Seriously, it's not that hard. Don't give up accuracy for easiness. And if you do want to reference modern bands, just think: since this is 30-ish years in the future, they will think of our music the way we think of 80s music (music from 30 years ago) today.

- I'm not a government official or anything so I can't say for sure, but the whole two presidents thing (assuming that's what you meant in your summary) seems a believable plot point, if not realistic (I honestly don't know what would be realistic here).

3) Ethos: Themes and Morality

- So early in the book, there aren't any noticeable themes to be expected. None are found, and I know too little about the book so far to predict any.

4) Pathos: Emotion, Creativity, and Enjoyability

- (Chapter 2) You did a very good job of conveying Taylor's anger toward Lianna.

- I do like the idea that it takes place in the future. It's a creative spin on normal teen fiction and makes it, personally, more enjoyable.

IV. CHARACTER ANALYSES / INTERPRETATIONS

#1: Taylor Fields

Chapter 1

My first impression of him was a somewhat irritated kid who was scared of his dad. This does sound a little extreme compared to how the rest of the chapter disproved this analysis, but that was still the first thought in my mind. He also seems a bit sensitive with the way he reacts to his dad chastising him. That's not at all how he's portrayed throughout the rest of the chapter, so I might look into correcting that inconsistency.

The way he reacted to his dad and stepmom's flirting was accurate and relatable (I react the same way when my parents do that.)

I did get the impression that his thought processes were more inherently feminine. I suppose that's not a problem, but it may or may not promote the "oh this guy is feminine-ish so he must be gay" kinda thing, even unintentionally. (I'm assuming he's bisexual though, considering he likes both girls and probably boys later). However, I very highly doubt that's what this is, and that it's more just a case of slightly inaccurate portrayal. "Write what you know" kind of thing. If you're a girl, then it can be difficult to write inside the head of a guy. I had this exact same trouble on one of my earlier stories (Being Human), however I went the other extreme and made all the guys super cliche and stereotypically "masculine". One example of more feminine thought process might be when he labeled Katy's outfit "slutty". That's a term I really only ever see girls label each other, typically out of spite. From what I can tell, guys might be more likely to say something like "sexy", or since they're technically related and he probably wouldn't think of her like that, "revealing" might work. Overall, if I had to figure out the character's gender without knowing it prior, I'd have guessed he was a girl.

Chapter 2

This chapter did help to elaborate on Taylor's personality. We learned that he is an avid appreciator of art, which does seem to compliment his intelligence aptitude. Your descriptions there were very nice, helping the reader to connect with him and his love for the painting.

The most interesting development to me, however, was his reaction to meeting Wren. He was immediately enthralled with the guy, not seeming able to take his eyes off of him. I might even go as far as to say Taylor experienced some sort of sexual / physical (or maybe strong aesthetic) attraction. This makes me worry for consistency, because he himself didn't even acknowledge the strangeness of it. I assume he believes himself to be straight, so I would think he would have been at least a little weirded out by his own reaction to even just seeing Wren. I think the physical attraction part was defined for me when Taylor touched his tattoos, and Wren let him. That is something that if a girl were to have done it, it would have undoubtedly been perceived as physical attraction. This is all rather interesting, though, trying to figure out exactly what is going on inside Taylor's head. I do almost feel, though, as if you maybe tried a little too hard to imply Taylor's attraction (I didn't feel like him touching Wren's tattoo was realistic), and went a little bit overboard.

#2: Katy (Fields?)

Chapter 1

As Taylor himself stated, she seems a a stereotypical popular cheerleader (I assume that's the air you meant her to exude, so kudos there). I don't have a lot else to say about here so far. She seems interested in fashion, and is good friends with Taylor, which is nice. I don't particularly like her, but only because I would find her irritating in real life, not because I think she's a low quality character. She definitely has potential to be s unique and plot-relevant character, even within the parameters of the "popular girl" label.

In a lot of ways, I'm sensing that she's emotionally immature, not very observant or a good critical thinker, and possibly very shallow. This is mostly from the part where she is trying to convince Taylor to get together with Lianna, her reasoning being simply that it would basically give her more time with her own boyfriend. Her reasoning still stands in her mind even when it means Taylor breaking up with his girlfriend. This indicates possibly shallowness or selfishness, as the whole setup is self-motivated on her part. She doesn't actually care if they're a good match. Or maybe she just doesn't know, meaning she has poor observation or critical thinking skills. She ignores his dismissals, furthering her selfishness in that she refuses to actually consider whether he's right because she can only focus on what she wants, which is for them (Taylor and Lianna) to hook up.

Considering Taylor calls her his best friend, I assume that more of her personality will be revealed later to at least somewhat affirm his analysis. If not, he really needs to rethink what he considers a good relationship, whether familial or platonic.

Chapter 2

She didn't get a lot of screen (or page) time this chapter, as could be expected with the focus of it. I'm still not seeing this "best friend" relationship between her and Taylor, because everything she's done up to this point has seemed either unhelpful or self-serving. I wonder if by "best friends" Taylor meant a "lesser of the evils" sort of thing.

Her relationship with Owen is also interesting and possibly self-contradictory (or just has tons of layers). Owen seems to be completely in love with her, as Taylor would attest to (which is saying a lot since he's her brother), but Katy herself seems more infatuated with his company and how they look as a couple than anything else. I believe you called their "perfect couple" look a facade, which implies their relationship has a lot of secret problems and is nothing close to perfect. I'm curious to see how that all plays out.

#3: Len Fields

Chapter 1

Not a lot of Len to see yet, but I so far have an impression of him as the embodiment of a normal politician. Not the "corrupt and power-hungry" normal, but the actual normal. The kind that is a mostly regular guy with fairly good intentions who stresses out a lot. So far, he seems like a caring but overworked father, who appreciates his wife and children but lets his stress influence his treatment of them (as per all of us do). A simple character, but one who will undoubtedly play a plot-relevant role.

His stress seems at about a normal level for a politician. I was curious as to why he insisted on calling Sanchez an "illegal alien" when it's not true. I don't know if this is a stab at Republican politicians, if he's meant to be portrayed as racist, or if he's just latched onto whatever derogatory name he can to help funnel his anxiety into the act of "ranting" as Taylor put it. Either way, I'd make sure you carefully consider something like that and make sure it comes across as you intended it to.

I thought it was nice how he spoke to Lauren. The kids certainly didn't enjoy it, but I think it was an indicator of a probably healthy marriage (their tone was not disturbingly perverted and I feel their teasing of the kids was perfectly good-natured). I personally love seeing families in fiction that are not completely dysfunctional. It takes a special skill to create an interesting story without having dysfunctionality in the characters' relational backstories.

It did, however, seem strange to me that he wouldn't call Taylor by his own name. "Too girly" is a rather lame excuse (which may or may not be intentional on the author's part), and stereotypically conservative in some ways. He also, apparently, has told Taylor to "man up" and the like. It makes me think he prioritizes how his son reflects on him and makes him look over their relationship. He couldn't possibly have an even slightly implied un-masculine son, could he now? What would the press say?!?! *note sarcasm* This also makes me wonder if it's all foreshadowing to how he will react when Taylor and Wren get together... assuming by the cover and synopsis that they do.

#4: Wren Sanchez

Chapter 2

For the short portion of the chapter that he was present, I actually could gather very little about him, as he was a very confusing character. And not in the way I think you intended him to be. At first, he seemed to be portrayed as the book summary did: a tough bad boy. But he seemed almost too sensitive when Taylor got angry. Like, that completely contradicted his air up to that point and was really just confusing and inconsistent.

V. RUNDOWN

- Primary Strengths

Descriptions, character wit, and Pathos.

- Primary Weaknesses

Run-on sentences, punctuation, and tense consistency.

- Do I think this is publishable?

No. Way too many grammar errors.

- Would I recommend this to a friend?

Not currently. (Most of my friends are into sci-fi/fantasy, though, so...)