Genre: YA Science Fiction
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: Prologue, 1-2

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I. OPENING

1) Cover

I personally do find it appealing. Maybe a little dark (not themed, in appearance), but the images are well blended and the text is appealing and unique.

2) Title

Nothing particularly unique or cliche about it. It doesn't stand out, but it's not too overused either. If it fits the story well, it could easily be the perfect title for it. Not all stories have to have unique titles.

3) Summary

The first paragraph was okay, but had a feel that was maybe a bit too dry. The first paragraph could use some polishing to make it seem less like an excerpt from a textbook and more like something to hook the reader in.

II. ELOCUTION: CHAPTERS

a. Major Grammar Corrections

Prologue

- "The detectors detected..." - This one stuck out to me a lot. The two words of the same root are way too close together. Consider changing to the second word to "sensed" or "picked up" or some other synonym of dissimilar roots.

- There wasn't a lot to correct grammar wise, but the flow felt sort of stop-and-start like. It went from omniscient narration to dialogue a bit too quickly for me, feeling to alternate between two completely different styles, and move a bit too fast. I guess the best way of wording it is that it feels like you are explaining the build of the world a bit too bluntly and not incorporating it into the natural flow of the story (revealing it through natural conversation or observation by characters rather than narration). This applies to all chapters, not just this one.

b. Major Stylistic Corrections

Chapter 1

- "She runs out to the nearby subway station, and to her nearby highschool. She arrives, and walks..." - I'll be honest here and say you've got a bad case of telling and not showing. "She runs", "she arrives", all in quick succession, with little to no flair or description. Instead of telling us what she's doing, show us. Describe the sound her feet make as they hit the ground, the smell of the subway station, the temperature and humidity of the air as she travels to the highschool. Put the reader into the scene so that they experience things along with the character. Show us some of her personality by her reaction to unimportant events (being bumped on the subway, smelling something unpleasant, etc). But don't just make nondescript statements about what she's technically doing (i.e., "She runs", "she arrives"). This applies for all throughout the chapters, not just this part.

Chapter 2

- You did switch tenses a few times in Chapter 1, but I'm REALLY noticing it in Chapter 2. I'd look into getting a proofreader to help you out with that. =)

- I just want to note that I had a lot of trouble with the setting of this chapter. The descriptions felt even more lacking than in the previous chapter, and frankly, all of the conversation took place in white room because I was so unsure of exactly where they were and what was happening as they talked.

III. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- The first (Normals) team lands on GH569
- They are allegedly killed by the inhabitants, which are not shown
- 50 years later, the second (Gen-Mod) team lands on GH569
- They allegedly come to face the same creatures the original team was killed by

- Cassie goes to school
- An announcement is made that a new habitable planet was found
- Cassie's parents make it clear that they are not moving to the new planet

- Liam and Lance come home from school
- They come to the conclusion that something bad is going to happen

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

- (Prologue) It doesn't really make much sense to me that the captain would so blatantly disregard what was obviously there. Just because there is no record of life on the planet doesn't mean you should not take precautions. (Although maybe only a couple people could hear it, which doesn't make a lot of sense either, but if that's the case, maybe consider making more of a point of that.) He at least should have taken his crew member seriously, even if the "thing" still ended up getting them in the end. His mentality of disdain for his crew seems to disqualify him from the likelihood of being a captain at all.

- (Chapter 1) It felt like the chapter was sort of a massive info-dump. Reality seemed to bend just to try and inform the reader of current events. Here are some examples.

|| - "The only fun thing I had to do was reunite with my big twin brothers." - There are three things you are trying to tell the reader here. 1) she has big brothers. 2) they are twins. 3) she hadn't seen them in a while. The problem is, if you think about it, her best friend would already KNOW that she had brothers, and she would already KNOW that they were twins. Realistically, Cassie would not use the extra qualifiers because they would serve no purpose. She'd say something like "The only fun thing I had to do was hang out with my brothers." You can find another way to later on show those qualifiers, but don't sacrifice realism to do it up front.

|| - "In 2070... after the War of 2070." - Another case of trying to tell the reader something that would realistically, within the parameters of the world, not need to be told. Cassie makes it obvious she already knew all of this information, and it seems like common knowledge. So why is it being taught in late high school? If there were going to be a class on history, it would go more in depth into each event, not create a general timeline of the most common knowledge. That'd be like having a fourth grade National History class in late high school. It'd be best to find another method of portraying this information. Be careful not to fall into the "news happens to be on the TV and tell everything that's happened in the past 100 years" cliché either.

- (Chapter 1) "New Yorkshire, Parisian, Los Antonios, Danken, Berlina, and Landon" - These are way too obviously parodies of large international cities. If you need city names, I'd suggest coming up with entirely original ones. I have some trouble taking this seriously when the cities are named like this. XD

- (Chapter 1) "iPhoneS200." - I swear when I first read this, I laughed out loud and shook my head. I couldn't tell whether to look at it as uninformed or an extreme mockery of Apple, but now that I think about it, I can't say it's not entirely unrealistic. Maybe by then it would be called an "i" something else, not a phone anymore, but who knows?

- (Chapter 1) I'm curious as to why you keep emphasizing that the tablets are "stick thin". Are you making some kind of good-natured mockery of sci-fi cliches? If not, I think it would suffice to say it once, if at all. You've got to remember that they live in that time, so they aren't likely to notice the differences between our world and theirs like we would if we were there. They would just take them for granted (for example, not noticing that the technology is "thin" since that's just what they're used to).

3) Ethos: Themes and Morality

- This early into the story, there isn't much to speak of on this note.

4) Pathos: Emotion, Creativity, and Enjoyability

- (Chapter 2) You did a better job getting me to feel with the characters in Chapter 2 than in Chapter 1. The implied sense of foreboding was presented pretty well, and it definitely carried into the reader. Good job!

IV. RUNDOWN

- Primary Strengths

- World Structure
You've got a very powerful, structured, and complex world here. Complexity in novels is one of my FAVORITE things to read: following along with the story and creating maps and family trees and predictions in my mind is what makes reading worth it for me. And you have quite the potential to be one of the many worlds that can do this for me. I feel as if you have created a world that weaves and interlocks in so many ways, switching between flowing and rigid very quickly in a way that maybe escapes you sometimes. I'd suggest having a place to keep notes, maps, and lists of more complex aspects of plot, characters, and world. It's what works for me. =)

- Plot Structure
While by chapter two, you really have very little concept of the plot, I can tell it's very thoroughly thought out and developed. Having this to complement your strength in world development is half the battle won already! You really seem to have great CONTENT, and mostly just need work on PRESENTATION.

- Primary Weaknesses

- Sentence Variety
Sentence variation is very important for a smooth read. If all the sentences are the exact same length and parallel to closely, it eventually becomes repetitive and tedious to read. I'd suggest doing a quick run-over of what exactly makes up a sentence, including Simple, Complex, Compound, and Compound-Complex sentences (I'll put a link to a good site in comments section, with other links). It may sound somewhat degrading and childish to go over those again, but I remember it seriously helped me once I did. Always keep in mind that sentences are like puzzle pieces. If you use the same puzzle piece over and over again, they don't fit together well, and you have to jam them together to make them fit, which is awkward and unpleasant for anyone to view. But if you use many different types of pieces, it all falls together into a beautiful image that flows and lives.

- Descriptions
The few places where you had descriptions, you handled them well, but they were so scarce it was almost like reading a technical paper. Try going to the second link I'll put into the comments section and ready about how to use imagery in writing to suck your reader right in!

- World-Building/Presentation
You struggle some with presenting your world in a fashion that doesn't disrupt the flow of the story (ex. using narration or telling in place of showing and unnatural dialogue); which may be a result from your world being so large and complex. I'd suggest reading the openings of some of your favorite published books and paying extra close attention to how they present they seamlessly present their information without interrupting the flow of the story. Maybe look into "The Darkest Path" by Jeff Hirsch, "Divided We Fall" by Trent Reedy, and "An Ember in the Ashes" by Sabaa Tahir. A reading list may sound daunting, but in my experience, research is one of the most enjoyable parts of writing. Don't be afraid of it. =)

- Do I think this is publishable?

No.

- Would I recommend this to a friend?

After a really good and thorough editing, I very well might.