Remi-Blu

That February, I went to New York. I started feeling sick in the middle of the trip, which I contributed to exhaustion. I remember arriving back at my hotel, and my driver opened my door. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the emergency room.

My driver told the EMTs that he opened the door, and I stepped out of the car and passed out. He caught me, preventing me from hitting the concrete.

I lower my head in shame, the way he feels about me will change, I could lose him...

I woke up alone in the emergency room, the doctor delivered what he thought would be good news. I was almost six weeks pregnant. I was numb but knew there was only one thing I could do.

I scheduled the termination before I left the hospital. In my shame I wanted to erase any evidence of my greatest humiliation. Being pregnant by a married man was something I couldn't do .

"Remi, the termination is what-" I had to cut him off. I needed to tell him before I lost the courage and conviction to tell the truth.

I scheduled the termination for the next day. I knew the baby was yours. I hadn't been with anyone in over three years. I want you to understand that my animosity for you and knowing you were married fueled my decision. I just knew that I absolutely unequivocally could not have a child with a married man.

The memory of that day made me stand up, and I paced the length of my room as I continued the story.

The following day, I went in for the procedure. The gravity of my choice hit me harder with each floor the elevator passed. Checking in, I went through the formalities on autopilot. I completed the paperwork, took the sedative, and waited for the nurse to call me back.

I began to meditate to calm myself, and my thoughts took me back to the emergency room the night before.

The night before, in the emergency room, there was a young couple who had just found out that their baby had died; the young woman was eight months. The father was devastated. They were my age or maybe even younger. I could tell they were madly in love as they held each other and wiped their tears away.

At the last minute, for no explainable reason, they lost a baby they couldn't wait to hold and love. The memory of their grief made me feel guilty, but I had already convinced myself terminating was my only choice. In a somewhat calmer state, I continued to wait to be called back to an examining room.

In concert with my guilty conscience, Karma had negative thoughts racing through my mind as the anger in me wanted to justify my decision. I tried a different approach of assuming all the responsibility for my actions.

I thought I had nothing to give a baby. I was 23 and preparing to sit for my bar exam. I worked an unconventional schedule. I thought about how I would raise a baby in Miami with no family and with the possibility of running into your wife.

My last statement was whispered. I didn't want to show Esteban how emotional this was for me, so I fought to keep the tears at bay. Even though I whispered, the emotion in my voice was evident.

Esteban's eyes were fixed on me by the intense eye-to-eye contact he forced me to maintain, not giving me a moment to look away, not allowing me to be a coward.

All of my selfish justifications to do something that would be my fault were based on animosity and the growing hatred I felt. When the nurse called my name

I heard the voice of the last person who ever had my back, my grandmother

"Doce Você não está sozinho"

You are not alone.

Even hearing her, the one who was always my rock and my moral compass, I got up and walked to the examination room. I focused on the sound of my heels hitting the tiled floors. I still took the steps that led to my next regret.

Following instructions, I replaced my clothing with the paper robe they provided and got on the table. When the Doctor came in, he had to examine me to confirm the pregnancy; he did so by giving me an ultrasound.

The machine was at an angle that allowed me to see what the Doctor saw. I knew this was my grandmother still trying to reach me and encourage me to do the right thing.

The Doctor determined and confirmed that I was pregnant. He then stepped out of the room to finish preparing for my procedure. I lay there, unable to move. I wanted to get up; I tried to walk out of that room and be brave, but I was paralyzed with doubt. When the Doctor returned to the examination room, I was dressed and leaving.

My confession unveiled emotions in Esteban: shock, anger, disbelief, and sadness, I saw the emotions cycle through his eyes.

"Remi, did you have the baby?" The question held so much hope. I could feel it and see it as I looked into his eyes. The irony of wanting a baby with a woman you thought was a whore. The animosity showed itself in my heart, but my newly revived soul had no tolerance for that toxic behavior.

"Yes, Esteban, I did, a little girl."

"Where?" was all he could get out. His hands were shaking, I reached out to grab his hands, and they were cold. I held them to calm him but also for me. My courage was waning.

"She is here in Miami"

"What's her name?" I let go of his hands, and he grabbed my hands, exerting a strength he had not used on me before

"Let me get my phone." Releasing my hands, I took my phone off the nightstand and opened a locked file. I pulled up pictures of our daughter. She had Esteban's dark wavy hair, hazel eyes, and a lighter version of my mocha complexion.

In this picture, her wavy hair was blowing from a spring breeze, and she was smiling, the smile that had been my motivation for the last three years. I passed Esteban my phone.

The moment he looked at her pictures, he stopped breathing; he looked between me and the photo of her. "What is her name?" I could hear both the hurt and the happiness in his voice

"Estebana Valeria Navarro" hearing her name made him smile

"Valeria was my grandmother's name, and it means brave. Of course, Estebana is because of you. I hope you don't mind but from my research I knew that the name was a tradition in your family" Intense feelings of vulnerability and guilt twisted my stomach, watching as my words caused the tears to crowd his gorgeous hazel eyes.

Esteban looked at the pictures of his daughter in disbelief, "She prefers to go by Ria-Blu because she wants to be like her mommy." This gets a smile and a chuckle.

A glimpse of the ruthless businessman peered at me. Usually, I could match this energy, but now I was defenseless. I deserve his anger. I can humble myself because I don't want to lose him or the future I hope we have.

"So now what? " plans, do you still want revenge? Still want to teach me a lesson?" He paused and stared at me with slitted eyes as if he thought of something unspeakable. He stood up.

"Does she think your husband is her father? Are you going to keep our daughter from me?" The questions sounded like accusations.

"Why the dishonesty even after we started hooking up?" Hearing him reduce what we shared to hooking up felt like a punch to the gut, similar to the feeling of him thinking I had been for sale.

"My initial plan was to just confront you about thinking I was a whore and insulting me and to do the same to you. To make you feel for me what I felt when you left me and laid the money down on the nightstand, I wanted you to feel the sadness of realizing you meant nothing to the person you thought you connected with, who whispered all night that you were his dream"

I watched as a revelation hit Esteban, and his face fell

'I wanted to get you so high off of me and what you felt for me and then disappear so you could see how it felt."

I said this, but it wasn't the truth. I wanted him to hurt and feel the insecurity and uncertainty his actions caused me. I was successful. I recognized the hurt, simple and plain as day, clouding his face.

"So that is how you felt this entire time, this you and me, just part of the plan?"

"Get revenge and take my daughter to be raised by a man that is not her father." The tone of his voice nearly broke me, hurt, disbelief and disappointment.

I took a deep breath and gathered the courage to reveal my last secret. The secret that makes what I did make sense. All cards on the table

"Esteban, I hated you. And I don't hate people. It's an emotion I don't bother to experience because it means that the thing you hate has control over you. It made me realize that my heart fell in love with you the first time I saw you "

"You fell in love with me?" it was a question, but I know he asked in an attempt to make sure that is what I said.

"Yes, I am still in Love-"

"And what does your husband think about all this?"

I ignored his question, my husband seemed to be on everybody's mind.

You can't know how it feels to be a young woman, alone and pregnant. It was a struggle just to remember to breathe every day. I had seven months to secure my future which meant passing the bar knowing that in less than seven months my life would forever change.

"What hospital was she born at?"

"Ria wasn't born in a hospital. I delivered Ria here with the help of my Doula and midwife."

"Really?"

"Yes, I recorded everything I'll show you if you want to see it" Esteban just nodded his head

"You have no family here, who helped you with Ria?"

The girls who were with me the night we met again, Merci and Lani, those are my best friends from college, they helped me a lot. Also after passing the bar I was able to work for myself from home.

"Where was your husband when she was born? Does he think he is Ria's father, because if so that is going to change!? I knew he was serious. The anger and power that radiated from him shook me.

"My husband was out of town when I had Ria and he doesn't know about Ria, nobody does except my best friends"

Esteban looked at me with utter disbelief " He doesn't know that his wife had a daughter?"

"No, he hasn't been to Miami in awhile, my husband is for protection and his reputation alone protects me.

"Protect you from what or who?"

"People". And that is all I was willing to say.

"Who do they think she belongs to?"

"Probably Miko" I shrugged my shoulders. I was careful not to be seen in Miami with Ria but I wouldn't deny she was mine if someone asked

Esteban shook his head

"Does Ria know about me?"

"Yes. "and she doesn't know that you didn't know about her?""

"She talks about you all the time. I told her you were away for work, But Ria is getting older and smarter by the day and has asked when you are going to come home or at least call her when she is awake, now that she is a big girl.

I lowered my head because I was struggling now to keep the tears back.

"Remi-Blu, look at me." I raised my head and met his eyes. He stared at me for a long time, not moving or saying a word.

What would he say? What could he say? I have lied to and played him from the beginning; at least, that is how I would feel.

I am learning that when you intentionally set out to cause others pain, you are the one who will suffer.

"So what now?" he asked again, his tone hard and his posture defensive.

But what right do I have to share my perfect scenario of the life I see with him and our daughter. This whole thing started because I thought he was the monster, the bad guy. He deserved to be played. And back then, it might have been true but the man that I have been dealing with is not the one who hurt me. I didn't respond; my mind couldn't process anything except the fact that I was going to lose him.

"Have you been fucking your husband and your other men while you've been with me?" Taking a bullet to my heart would have hurt less than him asking me this question. I thought he knew, and could tell that he was the only one.

"What? You are the one who told me you were happily single and were dating six other people. And then I find out your fucking married" The second shot shattered my heart.

I didn't control my anger, and like venom spiked through me and went straight to my mouth, bypassing my brain and any rational thinking.

"My husband yes, but not the others," I said. Esteban wasn't the only ruthless one. The past seven years have hardened me and changed me in ways I didn't realize. His reaction let me know I had won this round. He didn't expect that answer or the anger behind it. The shock left him quickly.

"I can't fucking believe you, but I am the fucked up one..." Standing up, he moved quickly and began dressing. I should stop him, tell him the truth. But I never do what I am supposed to. My pride, in this case, will not allow it.

My conscience screamed at me. Are you ready to lose your future so your pride can win.

Fuck! The inner dialogue In my head irritated me. Of course, it was right. What were the last four years for if he walked away? Why did I even bother to let Ria know about him?

Slipping on my robe , I follow him to the living room where he is buttoning his shirt. I wonder if this was worth it. I don't know much about him, but I have learned he isn't the man I thought he was. This man in front of me deserves my respect and my apology.