(Otherwise known as "The Chapter where Essek Realizes How Great his Friends are at a Party and gets Very Drunk at a Very Fancy Social Gathering")

(Word count - 9634)

Essek had been to parties before, they were a necessary evil in his life, like everything else it seemed. It was important to make an appearance and remind all of the others that he was still present. Navigating politics was a dangerous game and appearances were fickle things. To refuse to go to a party would be impolite and would leave others with the thought that he had 'better things to do', which was true but saying that to anybody would only bother them. Essek had managed to climb so high at so young an age was by keeping up appearances and telling people what they wanted to hear and they wanted to hear that he had time to come to pointless social gatherings.

So, he was there, stuck at said social gathering, longing for his home and his research. Wishing he was reading in the cool still air with the warm flickering of candles around him and the familiar smell of paper and wax and stone.

Light, he wished he was anywhere but here.

The bright illuminated ballroom rung with music as people mulled about engaging in conversation filling the room with even more pointless noise. Small glimmering glasses of alcohol were passed about and sipped sparingly as everyone in the room sought some political endeavor. It was a room full of false words, petty lies, ulterior motives, and careful discussions. It was all familiar to Essek and so it was more annoying than anything.

He had drifted his way over to a wall, concealed in a shadow. He occasionally made light conversation with anyone that passed but if he was good at something, it was shutting people down, dismissing conversation, and staying present but unseen. He stood off into the side, sipping a small glass and keeping an eye on the room.

It was an occasion dedicated to the naming celebration of a young drow who had recently realize they were an old soul, obviously belonging to a major den. Essek occasionally saw the young drow in the mulling crowd, their shoulders square and their chin high, carrying an heir of nobility that seemed strange for one so young. Everyone treated them with some sort of respect or understanding that was never granted to a child. Essek felt a pang of jealousy as he remembered how he was treated at that age... with disappointed glances and condescending conversations.

Another drink quelled that flare-up of momentary anger and he released a gentle breath, looking down into his drink as he swirled it around, watching the small bubbles swirl about in a light dance before they broke on the surface.

Now, Essek Thelyss would never say that he was exceptionally "in-tune" to emotions, especially the - what they called - "vibes" of a room. But, as soon as they entered, the room seemed to light up. There was nothing to suggest a change, the lights didn't get brighter, the world didn't shift, gravity didn't suddenly jolt out of place. No, there was only a small little nagging feeling in the back of his head that pulled his attention away from his glass over towards the sea of people. Or... it was the collective gasp and then small whispers that rippled through the room like wildfire, all centering around the new arrivals to the party.

By the Light, they were the embodiment of life and color. In this room of dark greys, blacks, purples, and silver, they were like a splash of daylight or a bright array of fireworks.

They strode into the room like they owned the place and Essek couldn't help but smile a small bit as the Mighty Nein in all of their chaotic energy entered the party... funny how when they arrived Essek knew this was actually a party. Whether the host wanted it or not, this celebration was going to be remembered... doubtfully in a positive light.

Jester entered first, because of course she did, and if there was anything she was good at, it was making an entrance. A large, billowing pink dress around her, and it wasn't a dark shade that mingled with the darker garb that the drow's wore, no... this was a light, sparkly, brilliantly layered dress that stood out in the crowd like a brilliant gem in a room of sub-par geodes.

Beau was at Jester's side, giving a quick glance over the room, immediately judging everyone she saw and nodding with a familiar look - the look that said 'this sucks and we're going to make it better'. She was in a wonderfully form-fitting suit with high boots that clicked against the hard smooth floor. She had her hair down, which was rather surprising but she wore the looked well. She looked around, sported a smirk, and beelined for the nearest butler bearing a tray of alcoholic drinks. She grabbed them all and ran back to the group before handing them out.

Fjord looked sharp as well, in a dark navy blue embroidered suit. He was one of the less colorful of the ensemble but still easily one of the most colorfully dressed people in the room. He had a huge hat tucked under his arm and was grinning as he took the drink for Beau and chugged the small bit in the glass in a moment. His tusks had grown longer and he had a very knowledgable look to him, perhaps a bit nervous with all of the eyes on him but easily soothed by Jester's eager words as she jumped up and down at the mere sight of the party.

Veth did the same with her glass and gave Fjord a look. They both looked at their empty glasses, judging the alcohol and apparently coming to the same conclusion that it was terrible, for they both then ran to the bar to order something else, likely something stronger. Little Veth was darting amongst the legs of the other partiers but she was a golden flash of color that darted around like a sunbeam. Buttons adorned her dress, hung around her neck, and were braided into her hair. A smile was on her face as she literally hopped up onto the "bar" and ordered another drink.

Caduceus and Yasha arrived next, their eyes scanning the room just as Beau's had. Yasha saw nothing that interested her but many eyes fell on her. She looked stunning in her black and silver dress that showed more skin than Essek had seen on the woman, and he'd shared a bathtub with the Nein. He figured the dress must've been one of Jester's choices and the hair was Veth's doing as the aasimar's usually wild unruly hair was unusually wavy with even more braids than usual adorning her head like a carefully constructed crown which was bejeweled with flowers that Essek recognized from Caduceus's garden.

Speaking of Caduceus, the firbolg eyes immediately picked him out in the crowd and Essek avoided his gaze quickly, turning his attention back to his glass. Shame a guilt build up in his throat as a familiar noose formed around his neck. There was nothing in Caduceus's eyes to dissuade him or make him feel ashamed, on the contrary, they were warm and bright even from a distance. Perhaps it was because the light that radiated from the group felt so warm and bright that Essek immediately felt hurt just by witnessing them. What right had he to be welcomed by their ranks? They were all strange and weird but they were all true. They conformed to nothing, hid nothing about who they longed to be, they were genuine and so damn bright. Essek would sooner stand in the gaze of the sun than be welcomed into their hands - he was an opposing force to them.

He was dark, secretive, and never true. He had worked so hard to form himself into the perfect vision that had been laid out for him since birth. He had made himself into what the world needed him to be. He had then gone off and done terrible things... things he still did not regret. Starting a war? Aiding the Assembly? Betraying his country? He felt nothing.  He was hopeless, cold, calloused... and ashamed. Ashamed because he felt no regret though he should, ashamed because those beacons of light, who burned brighter than any damn false god could, wanted him to be a better person and forgave him of all things. These people who had dedicated their lives to leaving everything better than they found it forgave someone who dedicated his life to forsaking everyone around him...

Yet Essek found his gaze drawn back to them.

Caduceus was in his pastel glory, soft greens, and pinks that were so... him. His suit was nice with a few light pink sashes that flowed off of his arms. He too had a few flowers in his hair and walked with his familiar staff that was emitting a soft pink glow. He was talking with Fjord, who had brought him a drink and was staring into it, clearly concerned, likely questioning if it was actually milk. Caduceus assured the half-orc as he took the cup and thanked him with a pat on the back before his eyes once again found Essek. The firbolg's ears perked up curiously and Essek looked away again, trying to put emotional distance between him and the group.

He was a liability to them now. An untrusted and dangerous acquaintance. If ever he was discovered, he could pull them all down with him and that thought terrified him. Could the Dynasty break him? Their methods were precise and certain, Essek had seen them first hand and while the idea of being tortured wasn't in anyway pleasant, it was downright terrifying to think about what would happen if they pulled the Mighty Nein's name from his lips. What would happen to that happy, beautiful, colorful array of life if he tainted them?

He pulled the folds of his robe further around him and began floating away from the group, trying to force them to the back of his mind. He couldn't wait for this night to be over... he couldn't wait to go home.

That was a lie.

Suddenly, the idea of a lonely, silent home smelling of parchment, ink, and candle wax felt lonesome and cold and... shadowed. Everything seemed shadowed when he looked at them. They were so warm, so brilliant and bright. They never hesitated to give others they met that light. He fondly remembered bright evenings with the smell of wine on his breath and their laughs ringing in the air like brilliant songs of joy, their smiles and eyes so bright the stars in Rosohnna's sky couldn't compare. What he wouldn't give for another night like that...

No. He forced that thought away with steely reserve as his consciousness clamped down on another terrible thought. The Assembly, Light and Luxon, the Assembly. What would he do if that collection of power-hungry mages used the Might Nein against him? What could he do? Could he turn away and ignore it like he did all of the other sufferings he had caused? No... he knew in the deepest, darkest part of his soul he could never do that. The thought of those people hurting because of his sins was too dark for him and for a moment, he almost lost balance as he drifted along. He caught himself and released a long breath, solidifying his thoughts. He could not get too close, the Assembly was too powerful and Caleb's thoughts on them were clear - they could not be trusted.

Caleb...

Essek chanced a look back and tried to make out the last member of the Mighty Nein. His eyes found him, eventually, and he was off to the side, watching the party. He wore a dark suit with silver trim and red embroidery and embellishment. His colorful hair was tied up in a neat pony-tail with a crown of braids wrapping around his head, dotted with what looked like gentle blue flowers. It seemed the Nein had gotten a little flower crazy this evening. A smile pulled at Essek's lips at the thought of Jester and Veth running around the house with flowers, insisting Caleb stay put as they finished up with Yasha's and Caduceus's hair.

Essek got himself another drink and did his best to avoid the Nein for the rest of the evening. Perhaps Caduceus or Jester wouldn't mind seeing him but he knew that he would get nothing but scowls from Beauregard and a wary eye from Caleb which was more than he was willing to bear on top of the thousands of stares he would get from the rest of the attendees. He was the Shadowhand to these strangers; a cold, calculating individual who had no time for social gatherings, friends, or Light forbid feelings. 

Essek almost allowed himself a dry chuckle for that thought.

"Heyyyyy Essek!" Jester messaged him and Essek's smiled nearly doubled for a moment before he forced  the shock away. "We're at, like this SUPER fancy party and it's like EVERYBODY'S here soooo, I was wondering, are you here too? Doo-doo dooooo."

Essek risked a longing glance back at the individuals who were slowly weaving through the crowd and skittering about, likely looking for chaos to cause.

"I... am here," Essek chose his words carefully, as a Shadowhand should. "I am busy at the moment but as soon as I can, I will find you."

Another lie to add to his long list.

He drifted around for a few more minutes, now actively trying to lock himself into a conversation so that should one of the Nein spy him, they would not suspect that he was actively trying to avoid him... which was exactly what he was doing.

"Ya know... This never really works well, this 'avoiding your friends' thing," a familiar voice announced. Essek nearly lost his balance again as he turned and saw Caduceus right next to him. How Essek had missed the seven-foot-tall mass of pastel colors approaching him was an absolute mystery that evaded him as much as the extent of dunamancy magic and it took all he had to not choke on his own spit in surprise.

"Caduceus," he greeted, cursing the strain in his voice. He lied every fucking day, why when it was to these people did he fumble and stutter around his falsities like a schoolboy explaining to his perfect mother that he failed a particular lesson? 

"You don't seem well," Caduceus recognized.

I'm not, Essek wanted to say. "I'm fine," was what came out instead.

"We all say that," Caduceus smiled, his ears perking up and a smile on his face. "Come on, Jester wants to dance."

"I..." Essek's voice trailed off. I really shouldn't dance because it will ruin my image merely being in relatively close to one of you and will further the taint and risk you all have because of me. No that seemed a little too harsh and exposed for a conversation like this. 

"I am not a good dancer," Essek admitted.

"Oh, that's fine, me neither. Caleb can show you," Caduceus smiled. "Come on."

Well, there wasn't any way he could get out of this. People were already staring at him and...

"ESSEK!" a familiar voice cheered and Essek grunted as the full force of a happy blue tiefling slammed into him and wrapped her arms around him.

Oh, people were definitely staring now. A few covered their mouth like they expected him to retaliate in some way to this wild little tiefling who dare lay a hand on him. Instead, Essek felt himself melting into the hug, his feet hitting the ground, and a smile erupting on his face as he gave Jester a small pat on the back. She truly brought out the best in people and he wished he knew what she did to him... what they all did to him.

When was the last time someone had willing touched him other than the Mighty Nein? When was the last time someone had looked at him so fondly? Why did it hurt so much to be loved like this?

Jester pulled away and grinned up at him.

"You sent us pastries!!" she grinned. "And they were actually good~"

"Ah, so you did like them?" Essek asked, genuinely happy that she seemed to overjoyed.

"Ohmygosh Essek they were amazing, you've gotta show me where you got them because I ate, like, ten," Jester responded.

There were whispers now, Essek could hear them in his peripheral. They would gossip, they would speculate... they would plot. His hands clenched into fists and he wished that he could just drop the facade he held up as easily as he had dropped to the ground for Jester. What would it take for him to try to appease the world? When could he be Shadowhand, and when could he be Essek, and what Essek did he want to be? What Essek did he enjoy being?

"It is good to see you, my friend," Caleb's voice cut through Essek's turmoil, the drow looked up to see the man walking up to them.

"Caleb," Essek greeted, his mouth dry.

"Caleb! Tell him how good the pastries were!" Jester urged.

"Uh, ja, they were very gut," Caleb answered awkwardly. "Very enjoyable after our adventurers with dragon turtles and Travelercon."

"What?" Essek's voice dropped in shock, though he shouldn't be surprised anymore... he had dropped them off at the cave of an actual ancient White Dragon!

"Oh. My. God. Essek, he was like the grumpiest dragonturtle ever," Jester informed him. "I messaged him and was like 'hey, why are you chasing us? You horny or something' and he was like 'oh yeah, I'm so lonely and horny that I want to like kill everything and I take what I want' or something like that."

"Ah, that sounds very interesting," Essek chuckled.

The song the musicians were playing came to a close and distantly, Essek heard the sound of a dozen individual pages being turned as they moved to the next piece in less than a minute. The new song was soft and swaying but completely insignificant and easy to forget, never the less, Jester's eyes lit up and she turned to Caleb, her tail swishing eagerly.

"Cayyyleb, let's go dance!!" she urged him, grabbing his hand.

Caleb licked his lips nervously and glanced over to Essek before looking back at Jester and releasing a sigh.

"Oh, hey there Essek!" Fjord's voice turned Essek to his right where the half-orc and Veth were, their hands full of drinks. 

"We've got more booze!" Veth laughed.

"Here Caleb," Fjord handed a glass to the mage who drained it in a moment before snatching another from Fjord and downing that one too. Veth held up another glass and in record time, Caleb downed the alcohol, handing Veth the empty glasses before looking back to Jester and giving her a stiff nod.

Jester beamed and led Caleb to the nearest open space where they fell into step with one another. Essek watched curiously as their feet and bodied feel into some memorized movement so full of circles Essek felt himself going dizzy as he watched them. Jester swayed dramatically as they moved but Caleb was an image of composure, something strange to see in a man who was usually so nervous. 

There were dancing, but it was a foreign dance, not that Essek had much experience with dancing to begin with. The other guests parted as Jester and Caleb occupied their own space. Everyone stared at the two and whispered ran rampant but the two held no mind.

"Hell yeah! Yasha, let's go!" Beau yelled eagerly, looking to the aasimar, the monk already seemed a bit tipsy. The two were a few feet away from Essek and neither had given him a glance.

"O-oh, I don't know Beau... I'm not very... graceful," Yasha murmured nervously, squeezing her hands together.

"You listen to me," Beau told Yasha. "You're... you're fucking beautiful right now and I'm gonna fucking dance with you because I'm already drunk as shit and... I forgot what else I was gonna say, come on!"

The two joined Caleb and Jester making four happy people in the sea of prim and proper drows all who were judging these newcomers harshly. Essek felt a pang of jealousy for how easy it seemed for them... to just be. It was so easy for them to do anything it seemed. They were easy to meet, easy to talk to, easy to see, easy to touch... easy to hate, easy to love, easy to judge...How did they do it?

"Caleb took my drink soooo, I'm gonna go get another," Fjord sighed.

"What happened to your hat?" Veth asked the half-orc who grinned.

"Left it in a corner somewhere as a surprise for the next person to find it," Fjord answered.

"Nice," Veth approved as Fjord walked away. She then looked over to Essek who was still watching Caleb and Jester dance with strange fondness and jealousy.

"You want to dance too?" Veth asked, sounding mildly surprised.

Essek looked to Veth and a dry chuckle erupted from his lips.

"No... I - " and suddenly his voice refused to speak another lie to these people. Suddenly the weight and brilliant light from these people choked any idea of falsehoods out of his throat.

Veth looked to him, concerned. She was concerned, of all things, for him... a man who had lied to her, tortured her husband, made her and her friends trek through miles of tunnel to an unknown land, and who had killed thousands with his actions... and she was concerned because he felt uncomfortable.

"I cannot do it as easily as the rest of you," Essek admitted slowly, keeping his voice barely above a whisper less anyone hear him.

"Do what?" Veth asked quizzically.

Essek watched Jester and Caleb as they swayed through motions like clockwork. Jester was beaming, her tail flicking with unrivaled joy. Caleb too wore a smile but his eyes were distant as he danced, his mind elsewhere, and his movements instinctual as they swayed to the Xhorasian music. Beau and Yasha were a much less graceful duo and once or twice Yasha would step on Beau's toes which would make both of them stutter apologies as they tried not to trip over one another's feet.

"I cannot just... be," Essek murmured, pursing his lips and looking away.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Veth asked.

"I am getting stared at just for having my feet on the ground," he explained, giving Veth a long look. 

Veth stared at him and saw a deep longing in his eyes that she didn't understand. She then looked around and indeed noticed a few people whispering to one another and throwing glances at Essek. He seemed stiffer than usual, uncomfortable, and twitchy - both strange things to see on the usually composed figure's expression.

"You're scared of what your rich friends would think if you danced with us?" Veth asked, almost insulted.

"Friends," the word was dry and tasteless on Essek's tongue as he looked disdainfully on the other drow in the area. They were all... they were all mere reflections of himself. Solitary, self-serving... they were not friends. He looked at them all and realized how isolated he felt in his own homeland surrounded by those he once would've called kin. This was not a home, this was not a haven or a welcome sanctuary, this was a cold prison that he had been born into with its walls of expectations and its bars of conformity and tradition. Upon a quick scan, Essek found his mother's eyes from across the room, already turned in a confused look as she saw him standing on the ground.

"I do not care what they think," Essek hissed as he looked back into his almost-empty glass. "But they all have their pre-conceived notions and... and I am not strong enough..." 

His voice died out again as he looked for the right words to say. He wasn't strong enough to throw away the chains that held him to this community of liers and politicians. He wasn't brave like them, he wasn't bright, or loving... or... good. Light, he wished things were simple.

Before he had met the Nein, things were so simple. There was order, some semblance of sanity, and of course, rigorous scheduling in his life that kept him constantly busy and occupied. He had thought he was happy... and then they burst into his life with all of their chaotic brilliance and he had realized how shadowed his life was. He recalled a proverb from some wizard in the pre-calamity era; The night does not know how dark it is until morning arrives.

Wasn't that the truth.

"Essek!! Come dance with me!" Jester laughed as she peeled away from Caleb and grabbed Essek's hands.

Essek looked at her and felt everything in his body stop except for his eyes that scanned the room, watching everyone's reaction as they studied him like some strange experiment. Jester's hands in his were strangely cold but not uncomfortable, more refreshing than anything and her smile was blinding.

"Ya know Essek, they're staring anyway," Veth murmured from his side. Essek and Jester both looked to him.

"What?" Jester asked, turning her head like she was some hurt puppy.

"I'm telling hot boi that if he's nervous that people are going to stare, they already are," Veth snickered, downing her alcohol.

Essek looked at the halfling and recalled the goblin who not too long ago had been in her place. Perhaps... perhaps that was the Mighty Nein's secret, they were all so used to being stared at that eventually it stopped mattering. They were all so used to being pushed away and rejected that they didn't care what happened. They had nothing to lose...

And what exactly did he have to lose? An empty house? A pointless title he didn't even want anymore? A family name belonging to a family that had never shown a fraction of the love the Mighty Nein had given him? A country that would execute him for what he had done?

It was so suddenly clear now, like the fog in his mind had been burned away. The people he cared about most had nothing to do with his old life. Why should he care what everyone thought? He hadn't cared about their pointless opinions in years. The name 'Shadowhand' was an empty term he cared nothing for. So what if they thought he had grown soft - he HAD. So what if they questioned his loyalty, he was a literal traitor. Why should the opinions of a thousand liars stop him from making those he loved happy.

"Oh nooo, Essek, can you not dance?" Jester asked fearfully.

Essek smile at her and took a long breath. "I had lessons years ago, but no... I cannot dance whatever dance that was."

"Oh, that's okay! CAYYYLEB!" She yelled over to the Zemnian wizard who was busy downing another drink from a butler who was looking very concerned at the drunk human who was handing him a newly emptied glass.

"Ja?" he called back, his accent thick, and his words slurring together. Jester pulled Essek to the wizard and grinned.

"Can you teach Essek how to waltz?" she asked happily.

Caleb was very much out of it and when he looked to Essek he grinned. "Oh ja, really simple mein Freund. You just, come like this."

Caleb apparently lost all of his nervousness when he was drunk, which was apparent when he grabbed Essek's waist and hand before pulling him into a similar position that he had held Jest in just a moment. Essek felt his face burn and he prayed that no one see the violet shade that the tips of his ears were likely turning. He hadn't been touched this much since... he couldn't even remember when, but here he was... literally in someone's arms. Oh Light, he was hopeless wasn't he?

Still, once of the initial shock, Caleb was a good teacher even as he was drunk. His hands were a bit calloused but they were warm like the rest of him - perhaps more than usual thanks to the alcohol. He wasn't too unsteady on his feet and he was smiling the whole time which was amazing to see. Chuckles and small phrases in Zemnian slipped from his lips as he counted the steps to the waltz in his native language, Eine, Zwei, Drei... 

Essek found himself staring at his feet, absolutely baffled by how simple but complicated this was. Caleb led him through the steps with Jester prancing around them giving him some pointers.

"Yeah, and then you can switch and then you take his waist and he takes your shoulder and you just keep moving!" Jester laughed.

"Moving~" Caleb sung along drunkenly.

"Holy shit Caleb, you look wasted," Beauregard announced as she and Yasha danced by.

"I am fine~~" Caleb smiled, very not fine. His red hair was hanging around his face, framing the drunken red tint to his cheeks perfectly.

Essek couldn't help himself; he laughed. Oh, how long since he had laughed a real laugh, much less in the presence of so many people - at a party.

"Y-you know, perhaps you should sit down," Yasha offered to Caleb.

"Noooo," the wizard denied in a low voice. "I feel so gut. I am teaching Essek to dance and he is a quick learner." His words were butchered and slurred together which only made Essek laugh more as they separated. Yasha and Beau did the same, Beau peering at Caleb with mild concern.

"CADUCEUS!" she yelled over the crowd.

"Huh? What?" the firbolg called back, towering over the other guests.

"You're on hangover duty tomorrow, Caleb's gonna need a hell of a lot of help!" Beau yelled.

"What? Oh, okay," the pastel-dressed man shrugged. Veth was on his shoulders peering over the crowd and laughing about something with Fjord who was at Caduceus's side.

"Yasha!? Do you want to dance with me now?" Jester asked the aasimar.

"You want to... dance... with me?" Yasha asked softly.

"Of COURSE!" Jester laughed eagerly.

"Essek," a familiar cool voice greeted, Essek's blood turned to ice as he slowly turned to face his mother, an Umavi... and the Thelyss den leader. Her gaze was reminiscent of the stones that built up Essek's towers, cold and colorless.

Essek felt his feet levitate off the floor out of instinct and he opened his mouth to give her a formal greeting, suddenly feeling very ashamed of his actions.

"Hiii! I'm Jester!" Jester jumped away from Yasha and burst into the conversation like a glorified distraction. Essek felt a hand clap down on his shoulder forcing his feet back down the few centimeters until they hit the ground. He looked back and found Beau studying him intensely, her hand on his shoulder.

"You alright man?" she asked him.

"Uh," Essek managed. Words had fled from his mind and his throat was closing. There was disappointment in his mother's gaze and he felt trapped in his own body. He knew that look and recalled the lectures he had been given as a child.

You are honored to be part of this den, Essek. One as young as you must prove your worth. You cannot afford to make mistakes.

"Hello," the Umavi greeted cooly offering Jester her hand gracefully. "I am the Denmother Deirta Thelyss." Her voice was smooth and controlled as were her movements, bringing an aura of familiar suffocation to Essek.

Jester, of course, didn't seem to be affected by his mother's stare and she took the woman's hand and shook it eagerly. His mother's eyes glimmered with displeasure as the tiefling's wild movements sharply contrasted with her own.

"Oh, so you're from Essek's family!" Jester recognized as she shook her hand.

Suddenly, Essek found his voice. "The revered Dierta Thelyss is my Mother," his voice was even but just barely hid the anxiety bubbling beneath the surface as his mother's judging glare flashed back to him. He felt himself shrink under her eyes until he was nothing more than a young schoolboy who served as nothing but a disappointment.

"Your mother?" Yasha echoed in question.

"Well, I see where you get your looks from," Beau snickered, perhaps cruelly though it was hard to tell.

"It is very nice to meet you," Caleb slurred, smiling.

"Yes... The Mighty Nein was it?" Dierta asked, sounding cordial as usual.

"Yup, that's us," Beau nodded.

"And you are Expositor Beauregard, I assume," Dierta smiled as she looked towards Beau. Out of the corner of his eyes, Essek saw Beau eye's narrow as she gave a curt nod.

Beau knew this type. As she looked over Essek's mother she couldn't help but feel a sneer trying to worm its way onto her lips. The woman stood with an air of sophistication and control. God, so much control. If Beau closed her eyes she could imagine her father in Dierta Thelyss's place, eager to sink his controlling fingers into her life and pull her in the direction he wanted. For all the shit Essek had done, Beau couldn't help but feel a small bloom of kinship between the two of them. Both of them had lived with a similar mantle on their shoulders as their parents watched them with a look that said "This is all perfect. You have to be perfect."

She wanted to punch Dierta in her perfect little face. She glanced at Essek and cursed internally. The drow didn't look like the traitorous lying scumbag she knew he was, he looked like a fearful teenager who was scared his parents were going to find his stash of smut or something. The guy had literally begun floating as soon as he saw his mother and Beau couldn't help but understand that. She understood wanting so badly to make someone proud only for them to continuously be disappointed - it fucking destroyed you and she hated how beaten Essek looked at this moment. He looked guilty, goddammit, like he had something to be ashamed of when all he had done was put his fucking feet on the ground and dance with his friends.

"Essek, may I have a moment with you," Dierta asked softly. Maybe to everyone else, her words sounded tender and warm but not to Beau. No, Beau had heard that tone before in her father's voice when she embarrassed herself of him in front of all his rich-ass friends. According to the look in Essek's eyes and the deepening lavender tint on the tips of his ears, he knew what that tone meant to and Beau knew he wasn't disobedient enough to do shit about it.

Fuck, why did having friends complicate everything? She wanted to hate this guy. He had started a whole war because he wanted more knowledge or some shit but she couldn't help it. She was angry that someone could make him feel so small - he wasn't small, he was a big pain in her ass and it was just wrong.

Why couldn't she hate him?

Maybe... it was because... in her heart... she was afraid that given the chance, maybe she would've made the same mistakes he did.

Then again, maybe that's why he ticked her off so much.

Essek swallowed a heavy lump in his throat and nodded to his mother. He knew what the prelude to a lecture sounded like... He could feel embarrassment crawling up his spine and warming his ears. He hated it. Just a few moments he had felt like he was untouchable but under his mother's gaze he was reminded just how chained to cold expectations he was.

"Absolutely - " he began.

"Hey, hey, hey," Beauregard interrupted, grabbing Essek's hands which could've made his jaw drop if he didn't have some semblance of self-control. Her hands were much coarser than Caleb's and her grip was like a vice. "You promised me the next dance, man!"

He didn't even remotely remember agreeing to that but she seemed certain.

"Oh, I'm sorry?" he asked, unsure of what was happening.

"Your talk with Mommy can wait, let me show you how you actually dance," Beau grinned pulling him into another strange dance that seemed to be some mutilated attempt at a waltz, complete with Beau stepping on his feet once or twice.

Yasha had taken a drunk Caleb and was keeping him upright as they danced, Caleb talking about something to her in broken common. Yasha had a soft smile on her lips as she responded in Celestial to her to which he would laugh and respond in a hybrid sentence of Zemnian, Common, and Celestial. 

Jester was back with his mother...

Oh, dear Luxon.

"Hey, Jessie will chase her off, just let her go for a minute or two," Beau chuckled as she pulled Essek along. Essek looked at the expositor and allowed himself a wry smile as he understood the game afoot.

"Thank you, Beauregard," he murmured.

"Pshhhh," Beau sneered. "Don't get sappy on me, that's disgusting."

"Apologies," Essek chuckled.

They danced for a few more moments before Beau spoke again.

"So... you're Mom's a piece of trash, apparently."

Cue Essek choking on nothing but air as he took that phrase in.

"She is... ah... that is... umm, she is an Umavi. A perfect soul," Essek managed.

"Yeah, must suck growing up in her shadow," Beau answered, raising her eyebrows. Essek looked at her and knew that she saw right through him. Light, these people caught him off guard in every way. They knew more about him than he did.

"It... was challenging..."

"Do you have to float around her too? Or is that like a parlor trick she makes you show off when fancy guests come over for dinner?"

"To be honest, I don't often have dinner with my mother anymore."

"Can't blame you, she seems like a bitch."

"You've just met her."

"I know her type." Essek studied Beau after she said that and noticed her purposefully avoiding his gaze as if she was uncomfortable or... nervous?

"I don't suppose you've experienced something similar?" Essek probed, intrigued.

Beau looked at him and her jaw clenched. "Apparently our parents were cut from the same fucking cloth so... yeah, I have some experience with people like that."

"Well... thank you again," Essek breathed, allowing the tension to leave his shoulders as his feet continued to find connection with the floor. He didn't want to imagine what his mother was thinking about him... he didn't want to consider the future lecture or scolding he would get because of this. He tightened his grip on Beauregard to ensure she was still there, that she still had him in her hands that were always ready to deck someone in the face. Just knowing that someone who understood this vulnerable part of him was so close made his heart lighter.

Eventually, he risked a glance back at his mother and almost had to repress a laugh. She was wearing a look that rode the line of mortified and disgusted as the tiefling at her side likely discussed something inappropriate. He had never seen her caught so off guard, it was revitalizing to be reminded that she too was only perfect in name and could be taken by surprise by these... wonderful people who called themselves his friends.

"Fjord! Fjord, come dance!" Jester urged running away from his mother to the half-orc who was walking up. She grabbed his hands before he could refuse and pulled him into a dance.

"Jes-wait-I-Oh dear," Fjord couldn't form the words as he clumsily began to dance with her, his eyes wide as he tried to follow her in the dance.

"You're doing great Fjord!" Jester assured him.

"Yeah... it's just hard to put your feet where they're supposed to be on the floor," Fjord muttered.

Beau paused in her dancing to looked at Fjord and Jester. She leaned on Essek as she did so, her face lit up in a smile as her eyes followed Jester.

"They look good, ja?" Caleb asked as he and Yasha danced past.

"Ja," Beau mimicked. "Now gimme back my dance partner."

"No... you had your turn," Caleb slurred. 

Yasha laughed softly and murmured something softly in celestial.

"I fear if I try to walk I will fall," Caleb told her. "Ich hätte nicht so viel trinken sollen."

Beau rolled her eyes and Essek looked back to Jester and Fjord who were approaching once more.

"Essek! This is just like a story Mama used to read to me!" Jester informed him.

"Oh, really?" Essek smiled, raising an eyebrow.

"Mm-hmm, except in that one the dancers had wings and they dance in the sky. It was really cool you guys," Jester grinned.

"Who had wings? Oh yeah, hi, I'm here," Caduceus greeted with his typical smile and nod of his head. He had walked over with Veth still on his shoulders.

"The people in the story Mama used to read to me," Jester explained, pulling away from Fjord.

"Is that the one she gave to Luc?" Veth asked.

"I think so."

"The one with dicks colored on every page?"

"Oh yeahhhhh, I forgot about those," Jest recalled fondly.

Veth deadpanned and Jester had a moment of brilliance. "Essek!" she cried turning to him.

"Hmm?" he asked, mildly concerned.

"Could you make me float?" she asked eagerly and for a moment, Essek swore he could see literal stars in her eyes.

"I-uh... well I suppose I - " Essek muttered.

Jester squealed in excitement and hopped up and down before squeezing her eyes shut and scrunching up her nose as she prepared for it. This time, Essek didn't even both to check the reactions of the room. This was something he honestly wanted to do and he didn't care much for whatever consequences it brought, the smiles on their faces would outweigh any stare from his kinsman.

A gesture and a few arcane words sent the tiefling levitating off the floor. She opened her eyes and looked down in pure joy.

"Essek!" she beamed, putting her hands on her cheeks in what he supposed was speechless happiness. She took a few experimental steps in the air and grinned even wider before launching into a full-blown air twirl. "Higher! Higher!" she urged as she skipped about, now at Caduceus's height.

"Hey, look at that," Caduceus smiled as he watched her skip about. Essek was aware of other stares and gazes but they flowed off his shoulders like water and he found no weight of anxiety on his shoulders as he watched Jester prance about. He instead raised her higher, much to delight.

"Veth! Veth, dance with me!!" Jester laughed.

"Oh, I don't know about thaAAAAAHHHHH!" Veth managed before the tiefling let out a giggle and grabbed the halfling off Caduceus's shoulders before twirling her around. Veth's scream was momentary but it made Fjord break into a fit of laughter.

All of them looked to Jester who was now maybe three feet of the ground, keeping Veth closed to her as she used her strength to dance around with Veth. Everyone was laughing, even Essek who chuckled to see the delight on each of their faces.

"You seem happier, ja?" Caleb asked from his side, seemingly reading Essek's soul with his understanding blue eyes. Essek could get lost in those eyes.

"Yes," Essek answered honestly, looking back over to Jester. 

"Hey! Jessie! While you're up there, get them to play better music!" Beau called to Jester who'd head was only three feet above her own. The monk gestured to the raised balcony where the musicians were playing. Essek felt the emotions of fear, horror, happiness, and eagerness all at once in a strange tumult of random emotions that he chalked up to morbid fascination.

Jester gently put Veth down and skipped over until she was below the musician's balcony. With a small bit of pride, Essek recognized that she was the center of many other guest's attention but she didn't seem to mind at all.

"Heeyyyyy! Heyyy up there! Mister Conductor Guyyyy!" Jester called up. It was enough to offset the conductor who peered over the railing in confusion. Jester looked back to Essek and gesticulated wildly for Essek to raise her higher.

Essek held the bridge of his nose in mock annoyance even though his smile was clear to see and with one hand raised her even higher until she was face to face with the conductor.

Whatever conversation she had next was lost in the grand ballroom but they all watched her talk and then hand the musicians what seemed to be platinum pieces before twirling around and running back to the group, Essek lowering her as she did so. Jester's feet touched the floor and she jumped up and down eagerly. The musicians were all digging in their bags and looking at each other puzzledly.

"What did you ask for?" Yasha asked, interested.

Jester was grinning, "Waltzes are nice and all but they're so fancy~"

"So... what did you ask them to play?" Fjord asked.

Finally, the musicians simply threw their music away and shrugged, deciding to improvise.

"Something fun and happy, like a jig! Or a sailor's song!!" Jester laughed. "Now we can all dance together! Come on!!"

As soon as she said that, the orchestra indeed launched into some random upbeat improvised jig that seemed to have small bits of familiar Xhorahsian folk songs. For something the orchestra improvised, it wasn't terrible... it was chaotic and for Essek's company, that was perfect for them.

Jester grabbed Fjord and Caduceus and pulled them into some other random dance.

"Oh - okay, we're doing this," Caduceus accepted. They formed a circle, hand in hand, and skipped around, Fjord and Jester were leading it, familiar with dances like this.

"What dance is this?" Essek whispered to Caleb.

"I don't know, perhaps it's from Nicodranas," Caleb shrugged.

Jester pulled away and gestured for all of them to join. "Come on!!"

Beau ran forward, Yasha with her. Then Veth, then Caleb and with Caleb came Essek, pulled along by Caleb's calloused hand. They joined hands, much like they did before teleportation but this time there was nowhere to go and nothing to do but randomly spin in a large circle and make fun tapping rhythms with their shoes as they did so. 

It was random, it was unorganized, it was messy, it was chaotic... it was so them. Essek was laughing for no reason and he had no idea who he was anymore. With these people, he was completely different but he felt so right. The person he was before, the person the other people in this ballroom were used to seeing felt so alien and distant. This person who he was, right now, was perfect and loved, even for all the darkness in his heart and soul, their light brought out the best of him...

Maybe just for them... he could at least try to be as bright as them. Try to bring light.

They danced, even after the music stopped and once it did, they danced to the melody of their laughter and own voices as Jester and Fjord broke into some sailing shanties from Nicodranas that were easy to pick up. They drank and danced and sung and drank some more until Essek could hardly feel his ears and gravity seemed to be changing every other minute, though, as long as he was with them, he felt steady and safe. The world around him melted away, all of its shadows and darkness until it was only them in his vision, beaming like the sun, but unlike the sun he didn't have to turn away or recoil. There was a warm feeling in his chest that radiated from his chest to his fingertips and buzzed with the alcohol in his system.

Light, he loved these people.

They were one of the last ones out of the ballroom, stumbling as they went. Essek found himself leaning on Beauregard who was chanting something about "Best Assholes in the World" at the top of her lungs which only made him laugh harder, nearly falling on his face. Caleb had an arm around him and was speaking almost completely in Zemnian now, his face all red as he smiled and spoke probably of a great many things though Essek understood none of it and didn't have the mental capacity to cast a comprehend languages.

Jester and Caduceus were completely sober but Jester didn't need alcohol to rile her up, she fed off the drunkenness of others and was prancing around, drawing dicks all over the ballroom as they moved for the exit. Caduceus was holding a very drunk Veth like a child and she was cheering all sorts of profane remarks as they went, laughing and yelling in her spirited way.

"WEEEE'RRRE THE MIGHTYYYY NEINNNNN!!!" Veth yelled.

"Yes, we are," Caduceus nodded.

"WE'RE THE BESTFUCKIN PEOPLE EVRRRRRRR!!"

"I'm glad you think so."

"FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYZZZ OTHERWISE!!"

"Now that's not so nice."

"CADUCEUS!"

"Yeah?"

"You're hair is FUCKIN AMAZING!"

"Aw, thank you."

Fjord was laughing rowdily as he leaned on Caduceus' shoulder before tripping over his own feet and face planting on the floor.

"That's... oh, need some help?" Caduceus asked.

"Nope, nope, I'm good," Fjord murmured, stumbling to his feet.

"Ya know Fjord," Veth smiled from Caduceus's arms. "I know I give you a lot of shit, but you're a very bright and brave boy."

Fjord looked like he was gonna cry.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah. All that shit kids gave to you when you were young... Fuck them. You're perfect," Veth announced in a very motherly fashion.

"You... yeah?" Fjord asked.

"Yeah!" Veth yelled.

"You're amazing Fjord!" Jester laughed, nearly tackling him in a hug.

They made their way out of the mansion and across the lawn and were set loose on to the unsuspecting streets of a late-night Rosohnna. As they went, Veth went on a rant and Essek half-listened for a few minutes, a smile on his lips the whole time.

"BEAU! FUCK YOUR PARENTS! YOU DESERVED TO BE TREASURED YOUNG WOMAN!" the halfling yelled, still in Caduceus's arms.

"FUCK YEAH!" Beau grinned.

"JESTER! You're Mother's amazing, she's perfect - BUT YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD AND WHOEVER THE HELL YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH BETTER KNOW IT!" Veth threw a glance at Fjord and Beau respectively.

"Awww, thank you Veth, my Mama is pretty cool," Jester grinned as she skipped about, changing street signs all the way.

"AND YOU CALEB! IF I EVER SEE TRENT I WILL STICK A CROSSBOLT IN HIS BRAIN!!" Veth shouted, pulling out a crossbow that she had somehow stashed in her dress.

Caleb got somber at the thought and pressed himself closer to Essek and Beau stopped supporting the drow to walk over and wrap her arms around the man.

"I fucking second that," Beau yelled drunkenly.

"I will help!" Yasha smiled.

"OH AND YOU!" Veth yelled, pointing to Yasha. "I AM NOW 75% CERTAIN YOU ARE NOT EVIL SO IF WE EVER MEET THE BITCHES WHO HURT YOU, YOU TELL ME AND I'LL BE THE CRAP OUTTA THEM. FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE!!"

Yasha also got somber but she still had a gentle smile on her face. Fjord, even in his state, came over and pressed up against her, just to show he was there and she smiled.

"AND DON'T THINK I MISSED YOU ESSEK!" Veth shouted.

Essek did fall on his face that time, surprised he was now included in this rant. Caleb helped him up and the drow stumbled around to face Veth.

"Me?" he asked, unsteady on his feet.

"YES! DON'T THINK I MISSED HOW FUCKING SCARED YOU LOOKED WHEN YOUR MAMA CAME OVER! Does she hurt you? I'll fucking rip her face off if she does," Veth had a crazed alcoholic look in her eye and Essek laughed even though the world seemed a bit darker as he was reminded of his mother.

"No... she could not be bothered to discipline me," Essek slurred, speaking more truth than he had... ever spoken. "She could not be bothered by a new child in their first life."

"That fucking sucks," Jester announced.

Essek laughed dryly and shook his head. "It was not so bad... once she learned I was in my first life she gave me the best tutors and opportunities I could ask for."

"But did she love you?" Caleb asked softly, in broken common. "Mutter should love their children... und ein Kind should not seem to shrink under his Mutter Stimme."

His voice was sad but true and Essek strangely found himself crying. Strange... the cool streaks down his face contrasted so greatly with the warm feeling in his chest and the smile on his face.

"She is too perfect to love me," he admitted... and those words are so full of years of spite and sadness that upon their exit, he feels like he's floating with no dunamancy required.

"That'sfuckinbullshit," Beau slurred.

"Perhaps... but I don't need her love," Essek said warmly and with that, he looked to them all and felt such kinship and happiness that the tears flowed freer. "I've gotten more love from you all than I thought existed in the world... I cannot... I cannot understand it."

He can't. He doesn't deserve this... he knows it. He deserves to be beaten and tortured until he can repay the thousands of lives that his actions have cut short... lives he never cared for and will never truly be sorry for. No, that's another disgusting thing about him. He isn't sorry... he's only regretful that his actions hurt this group of happiness and joy... he's sorry his darkness corrupted their ranks, he's sorry he hurt them, he's sorry he darkened them even a small bit, and he's sorry he isn't strong enough to pull himself away from them to keep them safe and pure. They're too warm, almost like a drug that helps him escape to a world where anything seems possible... where he can stride into an Ancient White Dragon's cave and make it out. Where he can face a Dragonturtle. Where he can cross into enemy territory, appear in a queen's throne room and pull out a random religious artifact that he can't even begin to comprehend.

A soft song pulls him out of his thoughts and everyone looked over to Yasha who was singing softly to the night air. It was celestial, Essek recognized, and the song was so warm and full of love that Essek didn't need it translated to understand it's meaning. After a moment, a deeper voice joined her and everyone looked to Caleb who was joining her, a kind smile on his face as he looked to Yasha.

They continued, entranced by the celestial song that danced through the night air. After a few moments, the rest of the Nein jumped in, butchering the words until it sounded like another drinking song that rang through the streets. Essek eventually gave in and joined in, spewing nonsense from his mouth that resembled celestial.

He was drunk and singing at the top of his lungs... and he didn't give a damn. Maybe these people were a drug, one that made him stupider and careless but made him feel so complete that he didn't care. As long as they would let him bask in their light, he would.

When that familiar tree came into view, Essek heard a word echoed in his mind. "Home"

Yes... 

He looked to the people around him and smiled. This was his home. It wasn't a country, or a city, or a house even... it was alongside these people, this was home...

"I'm home," Essek breathed, tears still in his eyes, his heart burning with a foreign feeling that he adored.

"Funny thing about 'Home'," Caduceus murmured from Essek's left. The drow looked at the firbolg who was now carrying a sleeping Veth in his arms. "It isn't a place so much as it's a feeling."

"I think you're right," Essek murmured after a moment.

Caduceus smiled and with that, they all stumbled into the Xhorhouse, and anything that happened after they opened another bottle of wine is a void in Essek's memory. Though he does remember waking up, paintings of dicks on his face, Frumpkin sleeping on his stomach, Jester curled up on his legs, his head resting in Yasha's lap, Caleb beside him, fast asleep, Beau's hand on his face, and Fjord's snoring rattling the ceiling as he and Veth slept a few feet away. They all had blankets draped over them and the smell of herbs filled the air as incense burned. He had actually slept. Not tranced. Slept. And he had slept for a good long time and had been deep into it.

His head hurt. Everything hurt.

Except for his heart... no that was glowing. He closed his eyes again and just took in their presence, their breaths, their smells, everything about them and he felt relaxed and whole.

"Mornin... tea?" Caduceus offered as he walked in with a set of teacups on a tray. Essek gave him a weak smile as he dared not move lest he woke them.

"Please," he grinned. "Just try not to wake the cat."