Kabanata 11: Beat

Smokes and lights filled our sights and the ground was shaking with the beat of the huge stereos scattered around. Even If I could barely hear myself, I found it even more comfortable than at home.

“Cheers to that,” Ryde raised his glass then gulped it. Muli niyang pinunan ang mga bakanteng laman ng baso namin matapos naming maubos ‘yon.

“So, is that really your plan?” I asked him. “How about your family? Girls? Us? You just gonna leave us behind?” tanong ko sa naglolokong boses.

“Well that’s his biggest dream,” Ryde mumbled as he sat beside me. “Biggest than the love of his life,” he snickered.

“Well my fist is bigger than your face too, Leibniz,” Led glowered, threatening Ryde who was already focused on his phone.

Led has been accepted to this huge company, which is just like what Ryde have stated, one of his dreams. He should be glad but I couldn’t feel it. Parang ang nakikita ko ngayon sa kanya ay ang pagdadalawang-isip kung itutuloy niya pa ba ito o ipagpapaliban muna niya at may dalawang rason kung ano ang pumipigil sa kanya.

“Paano ang pamilya mo? Oh well, except on Chelsea who is currently has a bodyguard.”

“Boyfriend, Jude. I am her boyfriend,” pagmamayabang ni Ryde na nakangisi. “Don’t worry about her, Led. I’ll take care of her.” He tapped Led’s shoulder.

Tumawa si Led bago sumimsim sa basong nakalaan para sa kanya. “I still can’t believe you’ve got a gold with your rotten style, Ryde. Kapatid ko pa. This is so cringe.”

“Well, I am sorry Kuya Led but you should use to it. Bayaw…” Natawa ako nang makita ang nandidiring mata ni Led.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at pinanuod ang mga nagkakatuwaan sa dance floor. I got my phone out of my pocket and still, there was no message from them. Ano na naman kaya ang pinagkakaabalahan ng dalawang ‘yon?

“Hoy, Clavez! May nabalitaan ako tungkol sa ‘yo,” naningkit ang mga mata ni Led.

Itinago ko ulit ang phone ko bago kinuha ang basong may lamang alak.

“Source?” I took a sip from it.

“Nagtanong ka, Led. Hindi ko naman talaga sasabihin sa ‘yo kung hindi mo ako tinanong,” mabilis na depensa ni Ryde. Mukhang hindi na niya kailangang sagutin ang tanong ko.

I shook my head as I gulped another shot of champagne.

“Kailan ka pa naging masikreto, Judeus?” Naiiling na tanong ni Led habang pinaglalaruan ang yelo sa baso. “But based on what Ryde have told me. You seem torn between your sister and your fiancé which is I found confusing.”

I just shrugged my shoulder. Naramdaman kong hinawakan ni Ryde ang balikat ko kaya bumagsak ang aking tingin sa basong nasa lamesa.

“Mr. Confused,” Ryde mocked. “Mr. Torn and Mr. Lost.”

“Fuck you, Ryde!” hinawi ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa balikat ko na ikinahalakhak niya.

Diretso kong nilagok ang laman ng nahagip ng kamay kong baso at muling nagsalin doon. Ramdam ko ang mga tingin na ipinupukol sa akin ni Led. Mas natatakot ako sa mga salita ni Led kesa kay Ryde.

“Do you want me to say something, Jude?” asked Led.

“Of course, Alled. Let me hear your professional advice,” si Ryde ang sumagot.

“Ba’t ba natin sinama ang mokong na ito?” Turo niya kay Ryde.

“Come on, Led. I am all ears,” I gulped.

Sumeryoso ang mga mukha namin. Nagpakawala ng isang mabigat na buntong-hininga si Led bago tumango. Pinagsaklikop niya ang kanyang kamay na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng lamesa.

“Aara is your fiancé and Irene is your sister. There’s nothing wrong to love them in the same level but when I say level--- Level for a sister and level for a soon to be wife, Jude. Don’t be confused with that.”

I nodded my head. I get it.

“Hindi naman ata mahal ni Jude si Aara eh,” napatingin ako kay Ryde. “I mean… I mean it.”

“I doubt it.” Tumawa si Led. “He wouldn’t let himself be this confused if he has no feelings for her. It is easy to get rid of someone who has nothing value to us. But look…” Led shrugged his heavy shoulders.

“Did you already said the magic word, Jude?” Ryde asked. “I mean… Three words, eight letters, different meanings.”

Kumunot ang noo ko bago napagtanto kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin. “Bago siya umalis no’n para ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral sa ibang bansa ay pinaulanan ko siya no’n, Ryde. I even lost the count.”

Bahagya namang napatango si Ryde. “Good… but no good. That doesn’t really matter at all. Nowadays, saying ‘I love you’ is the same as saying ‘Hello’. What matters is what you are feeling.”

“That’s deep, bruh. Didn’t you say the magic word to my sister?” asked Led.

“Pero iba pa rin ang lumalabas sa bibig kesa sa ginagawa. I’ll give you a scenario. Pumunta ako sa bahay nila Chelsea at gusto kong maramdaman niya na ayoko siyang mapagod pero sa halip na sabihin ko 'yon ay kinuha ko na lang basta ang mga underwears niya at ako ang naglaba. I would be slapped damn hard, bruh. Hahawakan ko pa lang ‘yon ay masasampal na ako. Baka akalain niyang binabastos ko siya.”

“Nonsense. Bastos ka naman talaga. Ba’t sa dinami-rami ng pwede mong labhan ay underwear niya pa? Why not mine? I’d really appreciate it,” Led smirked.

“I don’t want to touch your spiderman printed underwear, Led.” natawa ako nang batukan siya ni Led.

“You have mouth, Jude…” Led gulped from his glass.

“I don’t know---“

“I am lost,” binato ko ng tissue si Ryde nang gayahin niya pa ang boses ko. “Led… Ba’t ba hindi mo ligawan si Irene para hindi na maguluhan si lover boy?”

“Fuck you!” Led and I said in unison.

Nilunod ko ang sarili ko sa alak bago umuwi na mabilis ko ring pinagsisihan dahil nadatnan ko si Mommy sa bahay na mukhang kanina pa ako hinihintay. Katabi niya sa sofa si Aara na nakatingin lang sa akin.

“M-Mom? Why are you here?”

“Drinking alcohol doesn’t make you cool, Jude. Take a seat,” she motioned her hand at the sofa in front of them.

Sumandal ako nang makaupo na. Pumipikit ang mata ko pero mabilis ko rin ‘yong iminulat.

“Your Tita Lineth and I have decided to arrange your wedding as soon as possible,” nawala ata ang antok ko nang marinig ang sinabi ni Mommy. “They will be here the day after your graduation.”

I lost with words. I looked at Aara who was staring at me too, intently. Mabilis din siyang umiwas ng tingin. Napabuntong-hininga ako.

“I need your time… Aara needs your time,” mom continued.

“And what about Irene?” I asked. “Doesn’t she need my time, too?”

Malungkot na ngumiti siya bago umiling. Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko habang pinaglaruan ang mga daliri ko sa kamay.

I shook my head. “Irene is not going anywhere, Mom. She will stay here,” may diin kong sambit.

“Why not, Jude?” Aara raised her both eyebrows.

“We have talked about this, Mom.” I frowned, ignoring Aara.

“Ang sabi ni Aara ay hindi raw siya kumportable kay Irene,” napatingin ako kay Aara dahil sa sinabi ni Mommy. “Ayokong magkaroon ng problema pag dumating sina Elizar at Lineth. Jude, please.”

Natawa ako bago umiling. “Bakit ba si Irene ang kailangang mag-adjust sa kaartehan ng mundong ito? Bakit ang kapatid ko?”

“Kapatid…” Tumawa si Aara. “It sounds so good. What is Irene to you, Jude? I want to hear it again. Who knows? Baka magbago pa ang desisyon ko.”

“I want my sister to witness my wedding…” madiin kong sinabi.

“Ask her if she wants the same thing, Jude.”

“Why not, Aara?”

Lumipat siya ng upuan sa tabi ko. “Silently, she wants to replace me as your bride in that day, Jude,” Aara whispered in my ears.

Tinaliman ko siya ng tingin. “Hindi ko inakalang ganito pala karumi ang isip mo, Aara.”

“No, Jude. It’s just I can read not just words but also moves. Do you want me to teach you? I wouldn’t recommend it. Baka ikaw pa mismo ang maghatid kay Irene pabalik,” bulong niya bago tumayo at nag-umpisa nang maglakad palayo.

I looked at my mom who was staring at me. She raised her eyebrows.

“I’ll give you another choice, son…” Ngumiti si Mommy. “I know you love your sister but I want you to pay more attention to Aara. If you can do that, then, I will let Irene stay here.”

I gulped as I nodded my head. “I understand, mom… Irene stays here.”

“Good.” Lumapit sa akin si Mommy at hinalikan ang pisngi ko. “Stop fooling us, Jude. Stop fooling Irene, too. You are playing with fire,” she whispered before fading away from my sight.

Parang bumaba ata ang epekto sa akin ng alak at nagawa kong makapunta sa kusina nang hindi nahihilo. Nadatnan ko si Irene at Aling Soreng na busy sa pagluluto. Mabilis na binitawan ni Irene ang bowl at lumapit sa akin.

“Gutom ka na?” pamungad na tanong niya.

Dumiretso ako sa fridge para kumuha ng tubig. Matapos kong uminom ay bumungad ulit sa akin si Irene.

“Amoy alak ka, Jude… Uminom ka ba?” Kumunot ang noo niya. “Agh. Am I asking what’s obvious? What’s wrong?”

“Can we talk?” I asked.

I brought her to my room. She sat at the edge of my bed while I stood up infront of her.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“My mom made me choose,” I started. “Can we just lielow first? I mean…” I graped for more words. “From everything? It is the least thing I can do for you.”

“I overheard your conversation, Jude. You don’t need to explain. I understand.”

Hinila ko siya patayo saka ko siya niyakap. “I am so sorry if I can’t protect you from this cruel world, Irene. I am sorry if I can’t do anything---“

“Hey…” she faced me. “It’s not your fault. Ako nga ang dapat na humingi ng patawad. Simula nung dumating ako rito… I don’t know. I am sorry for making you confused this much.”

I touched her soft face with my trembling hands.

“The world should be embarrassed to you,” I smiled.

“I have to thank the world for giving you to me. I couldn’t ask for more, Jude. All my life, I’ve been looking for acceptance. Do you know how exhausting it is trying fit in a judgmental society? But then, you came.”

I held her hands. “Promise me, Irene. You won’t let anyone hurt you.”

She tried to hold back her tears but I think she failed. “I-I am sorry, Jude. Ayokong maramdaman ito. This is shit. But… I will try.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I couldn’t afford to lose this family, not now. Maybe you are right. The best thing to do right now is to distance myself. You will be married soon and I don’t want to make things complicated to you.”

I hugged her again before I felt her, slightly pushing me away, loosening the grip, until she finally freed herself and walked out of my room. Sometimes, the best thing to do is the thing that will hurt us. And that’s what where I am and what I did.

We had dinner together. Nag-uusap muli sina Daddy at Mommy tungkol sa kasal. Hindi sinasadyang napatingin ako kay Aara na nakatingin sa akin. Mabilis na pinahid niya ang luha sa kanyang mata at yumuko.

“What’s that?” Hinuli ko siya matapos naming kumain. I blocked the doorway in to her room.

She gave me a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

She pushed me hard and I lost myself. Nakapasok na siya sa loob at bago pa man niyang maisara ang pinto ay mabilis din akong pumasok. She frowned as she crossed her arms in her chest.

“I told you to be open to me, right? Now, tell me. What’s going on? I saw you…”

“Wiping my tears away? Because I am hurt you are hurting. I don’t think I can be bitch enough if I am just hurting you, Jude.”

“What do you mean?”

“I am calling my mom, now.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

I tried to touch her but she flinched away. “I am postponing the wedding,” she whispered that I barely understand.

“Huwag mong gagawin ‘yan,” may halong pagbabantang sabi ko. “Just don’t. Trust me.”

“You don’t want to postpone it? Oh! Gusto mo nang ihinto.”

Muling bumuhos ang luha sa kanyang mata at ngayo’y mas nalinawagan ako sa nararamdaman ko. Hinawakan ko ang braso niya at hinigit siya palapit sa akin. Nagpumiglas siya pero hindi ko hinayaang makatakas.

“Don’t do this to me, Jude. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“You said you can read moves?” I asked, straight into her eyes. She met my gaze, intently. “Read me, Aara… Read my moves.”

Hindi ko alam kung ilang segundo o umabot ba ng minuto ang sabayan namin ng tingin hanggang sa ngumiti na siya. “I can’t read you,” she whispered.

“Then let me do this…” In a one swift move, I claimed her lips. Our sights faded when our lips crashed. “Now… I want you to read me,” I said when our lips parted.

She gave me a furious look. “You are insane.”

“This is me, Aara. You won’t hear me say anything and you can’t see me making up things but when I ask you to stay, I mean it. And when I say I mean it, you have a value to me and when I say value, I don’t want to lose you…”

“I-I am lost with words. I hate myself when I am with you.”

“I wouldn’t let myself be confused this damn much if you don’t matter to me…”

“That means she matters to you too and I am afraid we are in the same level.”

I nodded my head. I suddenly remembered Led’s words.

“But in a different classification.”

“Crap that classification!” She bursted out in anger. “Crap your reasonings! I won’t buy that, Jude.”

“Then, what do you want me to do?!”

“Get rid of her in our lives.”

“I didn’t know that’s how selfish you are, Aara…” Napatingin kami sa pinto nang pumasok si Irene. Namamaga ang kanyang mga mata. “But maybe you are right…”

“Irene…” Napapikit ako nang hawiin niya ang kamay ko. Nanatiling kay Aara ang kanyang mga mata.

“Oh, god! Stop crying, Irene. You are playing the damn victim all the time and using your damn condition to get what you want. Oh, I forgot…” Aara snapped her fingers. “In this story, I am the villain and you are the goody girl protagonist who is typically fragile. But sad to say, there is no supernatural things that would make you fly and be a hero in this freaking story and the only move you got is to make anyone, who dares to block your way to success, shitty in the eyes of other people.”

“Stop that Aara…” I warned her.

“And congratulations, Irene. You just did it,” Aara clapped her hands.

I noticed Irene’s slightly trembling hands. I immediately went on her and gave her a hand. Mabilis na kumapit siya sa braso ko at ramdam ko ang pahirapan niyang pagsinghap ng hangin.

“Aara, get her inhaler, please…”

“I-Is she dying? Oh, my god.” Nataranta si Aara hanggang sa makalabas na siya.

Pagkaalis ni Aara ay mabilis na yumakap sa akin si Irene. And what she did next left my lips parted and stopped me from breathing. She kissed me and I think that that should not be a big deal because that was only on my cheeks.

But, still… my heart skipped a beat.