Erm sooooo

Yeah idk how much longer I can do this

Like- live.

Here's the issue, it's not me.

𝐈 don't wanna die. I 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 don't.

Dying actually scares me, and I would rather live a crappy life than take it all away

I've gone this far, why not just go and see where life takes me?

I'm 15 years old. I should be able to understand who I wanna become/be

But here's the problem- it's very simple, yet so fucking complicated.

B P D.

Borderline, fucking personality disorder.

Now, have I been 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 diagnosed with it? Nope. I physically can't until I'm 18. But all the doctors/physiatrists/professional mental health testers have ALL said that I have BPD.

Let me describe it like this-

You basically have two conscious people in your head.

Not literally, but it's what it sure feels like.

Like two sides, constantly at war with each-other.

Think of mood swings, but to the absolute extreme of completely different people/personalities.

Basically (it's more complicated than this but I'm making it easier for us to understand, me included), one side is all the nasty shit- like suicidal ideation and many different urges, thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and hatred. (let's call it Bartholomew)

And the other side is full of love and sympathy, drenched in positivity and good vibes.

There rarely is ever an in between.

It's usually just variations of the two, and those can even get extreme.

Extreme highs are rare for me, but can happen, especially recently, where my overall mental health has been getting better

And I thought that extreme lows were rare, like really rare, since I hadn't had one in about 3 months.

But even I forgot how easily it can switch up on me

Literally a week ago, I was riding the waves, totally chill and content, really happy, even

But now? I feel like I'm fucking drowning in a storm, that just keeps crashing down onto me over and over again so I can't get a gasp of air.

The sides were at peace, now they are back at war, so to speak

Like I said earlier, I don't wanna die.

My actual brain, that one side, is telling me that.

But Bartholomew is such a bitch that it just won't give up, and it'll shove all these thoughts into my head, ones I don't even believe in

"Nobody loves you."

"You make everyone worse."

"You should kill yourself, for everyone's sake."

I don't believe in those at all.

I know people love me.

I know I help people.

I know killing myself would make people devastated.

I know all of this, yet I still can't shake off Bartholomew, or at least tell it to shut the fuck up.

And especially when I get into these moments, I physically can't control myself.

Take cutting for an example, this happened the other day

Bartholomew told me it was only gonna do maybe a few cuts.

But I ended up slashing over 100 times.

I just couldn't stop; once I had gotten into that mindset, that moment.

I remember screaming in my head, telling myself to stop, but my body just kept doing it.

It's those moments, is what I'm scared of the most.

I don't wanna die. Especially to some bitch named Bartholomew.

But sometimes I physically (even mentally sometimes) can't stop myself from attempting/hurting myself.

And the thoughts are only getting stronger and more intense, to the point where I don't feel safe alone with myself

I don't know what to do. I wanna live, and Ik that's what I really want, but the urges are getting unbearable.

But, one thing I know for sure,

I won't die. Me and my body are too stubborn after many attempts. I'm as tough as nails, bro

So you won't have to worry about that

I just might end up back in the ER/Mental Hospital again

Which isn't ideal but it's better than me being gone when I don't even wanna be, right?

I'm trying my hardest, and I will continue to do so.

So please, don't worry

I'll be okay, genuinely.

Maybe with a few scratches and bruises, but I'll come out alive, I promise

Like I said, I've gone too far to give up now.

It's just Bartholomew. I can't get rid of/calm him

Ik that ain't me.

I promise I'll be okay

<333