"i need someone to hold me because i'm finally breaking down"

*

"-And anyway, they literally threw a brick right through my window!"

Eva's eyes widened as she stirred her coffee, not like there was anything to stir. She'd been drinking it black since the death of her father. The clink of the metal spoon against the porcelain mug filled her ears until she lifted the mug to her lips and took a sip. "What did you do?"

Marlene shrugged. "I threw it back down."

"You're a queen."

"I know I am." Marlene winked and transferred bacon from the pan to a plate. Today, it was only slightly burnt. Improvement. "When do you have to be at work?"

Eva checked her watch. "Not for another hour."

"Does Sirius even know you're here?"

"He'll figure it out. I'm here for breakfast at least three times a week and he's a sleepyhead anyway," Eva said, rolling her eyes playfully. "It's not my fault he takes twice as long to get ready as I do."

Marlene's apartmentwas indeed the home base for their group. People were always running in and out, shouting hellos and dropping things off. Everyone loved it.

"Where's Lily? Is she already at St. Mungo's?" With James having been away on a mission for a few days, Lily had crashed at Marlene's.

"Nah, she's sleeping in. I forget when her shift is, but she looked terrible last night, so she could use the extra rest."

"Oh. Is she sick?"

Marlene sat down at the little table and munched on a piece of very crisp bacon. "No, I don't think so. She's just been... off. She was actually supposed to go on this mission with me today, but she came home late last night all out of sorts. Spitting mad, you know. She didn't tell me a lot, bu she got into some sort of massive argument with Moody and he let her off the hook. Imagine winning an argument against Moody. She must have been spitting fire or something."

Eva wondered what could possibly be bothering Lily so much. She wasn't the type to let small things ruffle her feathers. "Do you think she'd tell us if something was wrong?"

"Yeah," Marlene said after a lengthy pause. "I mean, we're friends. Best friends."

The two ate breakfast together, chatting about the essays they'd published in early August. Really, Marlene published them, but she couldn't have done it without Eva carefully slipping the essays into Mr. Crouch's confidential files. The next thing they knew, the essays had been published for the world to see.

Simply titled In Defense, the project included nineteen essays making the case for different minority groups. The names Kriss Klarkson and Marlene McKinnon appeared in bold underneath each heading, claiming the writing as theirs. When Marlene held the first copy of it in her hands, a sense of peace washed over her, like she finally did something right.

The critics came after her, of course. The worst of them called her a disgrace to wizardkind and wanted her dead. She only brushed these hateful comments aside and threw the bricks right back out the window. The right path was never the easy one, after all, and publishing those essays landed Remus his first steady job in months. She couldn't back down now.

Marlene glanced at the clock. Her eyes bugged out and she swore loudly, pushing her chair in and nearly tripping over it. "I've got to go! Moody gave me that mission and I was supposed to meet Dorcas twenty minutes ago!"

"You go. I'll clean up." Eva hugged Marlene tightly and held on for a moment longer than the average hug. It was scary, watching her friends leave on missions. Worst of all was when Sirius left, and he thought the same about her. Being the shrewd strategist he was, Moody never paired couples together, understanding that in a dangerous situation, they would always put their partner's life over the success of the mission. "Be careful."

"Roger that. Take care of Lils, will you?"

Marlene slipped on a pair of shoes, a coat, and then she was off. As always, that inevitable nagging voice whispered in the back of Eva's mind, worrying if she'd ever see her again. She sat down at the table and flipped through the newest edition of Witch Weekly with idle attention. Apparently some new band called The Weird Sisters was opening for Celestina Warbeck on her newest tour. Eva never really got into wizarding music. She infinitely preferred the Beatles.

A roar of the emerald flames drew her attention to the fireplace and Sirius stepped out, looking handsome in black skinny jeans, a black shirt, and his leather jacket. Once again, Eva wished she could dress so casually for work.

"Morning, Blondie," he said, brushing the soot off of himself into the fireplace before stepping out. He grinned and planted a kiss on her forehead before helping himself to a cup of coffee and burnt bacon. "So you come here instead of snuggling with me, hm?"

"You waste the morning. It's nine o'clock! Think about everything you could have gotten done already!"

He raised his eyebrows. "What did you accomplish, dare I ask?"

"I ate breakfast." She flashed him a thumbs up and closed the magazine.

"Can we go to a concert?" Sirius asked. "It's been a few months since we saw Elton John."

Eva felt her cheeks flame up. Keep the secret, keep the secret. "Maybe."

"Eva! What are you hiding?"

"Nothing!"

"You tug on your hair when you're lying. You're really terrible at it, love." He winked as she glanced down to find that her finger was twisted around a blonde curl. "Come on, tell meeeeeee!"

"No, you stupid dog!" She laughed, swatting him away as he gave her the trademark puppy dog eyes. "It's a surprise!"

"Is it? What tickets did you get us?" He gasped dramatically. "Is it for my birthday?"

It was at this precise moment that James walked through the door, cleaning off his glasses, oblivious to everything around him. Sirius immediately took advantage of this opportunity.

"JAMES WHAT CONCERT DID EVA GET TICKETS TO?"

"QUEEN!" James screeched, jumping in shock. It was an instinctive move and an instinctive answer. Sirius let out a whoop of excitement.

"You're the best, Blondie!"

Eva wriggled out of Sirius' arms and marched up to James. Just as he slid the glasses back onto his nose, she slapped him across the face.

"Oi!"

"That was supposed to be a secret! His birthday's not until next week!"

"The bloke yelled at me! What was I supposed to do?"

"I swear to Merlin, you three are so loud."

"Sorry!" Eva apologized. "But James just spoiled our birthday present to Sirius!"

Instead of cracking a joke or telling him off, Lily just looked at James humorlessly. "Now why would you do that? That's so lame."

"The man screamed at me, Lilyflower! I had to surrender!" He held up his hands to prove it. "By the way, good morning."

James leaned down to give her a kiss but she dodged him and walked into the kitchen. He frowned at her cold dismissal and he wasn't the only one. Both Sirius and Eva exchanged uneasy glances.

Lily silently poured herself a cup of coffee, looked at it for a moment, and dumped it out, refilling her mug with orange juice.

"Don't you lot have work?" She questioned. Usually, their presence in her apartment would be a welcome sight, but today, everything bothered her. The bacon was burnt. James spilled the secret. The too-small kitchen was crowded.

And that stick of plastic scared her to death right before she flung it in the trash can.

"Don't you?" Sirius asked pointedly, deciding to be the only one not to walk on eggshells around her. He jerked his head at the clock and as soon as Lily's almond-shaped green eyes landed on the time, she spilled the juice all over the floor and onto her lime-green uniform robes.

"I'm late! Ugh." After vanishing the stain on her outfit, she knelt to the ground with a towel to clean up the mess on the tiles.

"Here, let me," James said. As he took the towel, he noticed that her hands were shaking. "Lily?"

"I'm late," she whispered, standing up. "I'll see you all later."

Lily left without another word, and everyone stared at the slammed door. Even the hinges rattled.

"Man, Prongs, what did you do?"

James' head snapped up, his eyes wide with fear underneath his glasses. "What? Nothing!"

"Are you sure? Because something's definitely up with Evans and it definitely has to do with you," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "Did you see the look she gave you? Brrrrrrrr."

Eva whacked his shoulder with Witch Weekly. "You. Are. Not. Helping."

James visibly deflated, his expression like a lost child. "Do you two really reckon I did something wrong?"

"No," Eva said, rubbing his shoulders soothingly. Her mind wandered to what Marlene told her earlier, about how Lily got into a fight with Moody the night before. "Everyone has off days sometimes. You just caught her at the wrong time is all."

"Figures," James muttered. "What if something is really wrong?"

"Worrying won't do you any good," Eva said sternly. "Just talk to her tonight. Have dinner with her. Stop by after work. Girls like it when you put in the effort to communicate."

James weighed out the options. He could freak out all day about something he couldn't control or he could make a plan to get to the bottom of it.

Slowly, he nodded. "Thanks. I think I'll do that."

Sirius chugged the rest of his coffee down and set it on the table with a loud thud. "Let's get a move on, Prongsie, or Moody'll kill us to death."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Neither do girls, but you're still trying to understand them."

"Fair point."

*

At the end of the day, Sirius and James finally lowered their wands, out of breath. They spent hours dueling against each other for practice. Moody had them prepping for aptitude tests because the pair had been training for over a year. If they passed, they would officially become Aurors for the Ministry. The road was long and tiring, but the end made the journey worth it.

"Good enough," Moody growled. He leaned heavily on his walking stick. A nasty skirmish cost him part of his leg, and the old Auror still hadn't fully recovered, but no one, not even the Minister for Magic himself, could stop Alastor Moody from coming to work. No one. "Black, you're not as cocky as you used to be. It should serve you well in a fight."

"You flatter me, Alastor," he replied, pretending to swoon.

"And I take it back," he muttered, rolling his good eye. The magical one focused on James, who didn't squirm. After working with Moody for so long, it was one of those things he just got used to. "Your aim was off today, Potter. Your mind wasn't here."

It wasn't. James' mind was with Lily as he replayed the events of this morning back like a home movie over and over again.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Moody shook his head. "Never mind. You two are dismissed for the weekend. Get out."

Both boys knew this was the most affectionate goodbye they'd get from their mentor.

"See you, Moody," James said, giving him a nod.

On the way out, they ran into a very cheerful Frank, who was surprisingly alone. He and Alice were a unit in the Auror Department, becoming just as famous duo as James and Sirius themselves. In fact, the Longbottoms were the only two Moody broke the no-spouses rule for on missions because he'd never seen a couple so in-sync on the battlefield in his entire life.

"Hullo, Frank," Sirius greeted. "What's got you so happy?"

Frank had this big, infectious smile on his face. He shook his head and looked down at his shoes as they walked. "Nothing."

Sirius wasn't one to give up so easily. "Come on, Frank. Tell us! We're your mates!"

"I told you, it's nothing," Frank teased, still unable to remove that stupid smile from his face.

"Nothing? This is not nothing," James added, getting in on the fun. "He's happy that Alice is finally letting him cross the street by himself without supervision."

"Ha ha," Frank replied, rolling his eyes. "You're spot on, Potter. Ali actually won't be accompanying me to work for a while. It's time for me to cross the street alone."

"What? Why?" Sirius asked, confused but wanting to continue the joke. Alice loved her job as an Auror. She'd actually been the first out of their graduating class to pass the aptitude tests. "Did she finally realize that she's way out of your league and so she left?"

"Hopefully, she'll never figure out that one," Frank said, chuckling. He considered keeping the secret, but really, he was bursting to tell someone and he trusted his friends. "Alice is pregnant."

"Really?" Sirius questioned, dumbstruck. Then, what he said actually sank in and he embraced Frank excitedly. "That's bloody insane! Congratulations!"

"Keep your voice down, the entire Ministry doesn't need to know," Frank said, but he wasn't upset in the slightest. In fact, their enthusiasm increased his own. "We found out a few weeks ago. We're keeping it under wraps for a while."

"It's brilliant!" James exclaimed, hugging his friend once Sirius released him. "Blimey, you're gonna be a dad, Longbottom!"

"Yeah... Yeah, I am." Frank's expression was one of dazed happiness. "Anyway, I need to be getting home. I'll see you two Monday."

"Say hi to Ali for us!" Sirius called. Once Frank was gone, he turned to James. "Can you get a load of that? Nineteen and they're having a baby."

"I mean, it is exciting stuff," James reasoned. "And they're married. They've got a house and they get paid well. They'll be fine."

James and Sirius stepped outside, choosing to walk for a little while instead of apparating automatically. Sunset faded into dusk, illustrating that they had stayed late again. Golden leaves fluttered down from the trees and danced in the wind before plummeting into the gutters of London.

"You know, you and Blondie would make some attractive offspring."

"Oh, shut up."

"Why not?" James asked with a teasing grin. "You two have been married for over a year now. You could jump on the bandwagon! It's like the Order became a breeding ground or something! First Molly, now Alice..."

"James, do you really see me as a parental figure?" Sirius asked with a laugh. "No sir."

James pointed out, "You're good with that Tonks girl."

"She's my second cousin. That's way different."

"But someday? Marlene's never gonna get married and I want to be an uncle!"

Sirius rolled his eyes and actually considered the idea. Briefly, he pictured a little girl with blonde curls and dark gray eyes riding in the sidecar of his motorcycle, and he instantly fell in love. "Yeah."

James nodded, agreeing with him. The world was uncertain, though. It wasn't fair of them to bring new life into it until they sorted out a few things. Besides, they had their whole lives to be grown-ups.

"You gonna talk to Evans?"

"Yeah, I reckon I should. She's at Marlene's, I think. Any advice?"

"You've done nothing wrong unless she's mad at you. Then you're wrong, she's right, and really ham it up the apologies."

James shot Sirius a sarcastic, sideways glance. "How did you get so many girls at school?"

"I didn't talk too much. I winked and I kissed."

James laughed heartily, then disapparated. He climbed up the stairs to Lily's apartment, his heart rate increasing as he moved.

Why is she mad at me? What did I do? Did I say something? Did I not say something?

James raised his hand to knock, shaking his head a few times. Get it together. You are a Gryffindor. Knock, knock, knock.

"If you want any more flour, I swear-"

Lily flung the door open, her expression livid, but it softened ever so slightly when she saw who stood in front of her, looking sheepish and rather confused.

"Oh, hi. James."

"Lily." They stood awkwardly for a moment. "Can I, um, come in?"

She finally came to her senses and nodded. Leading the way, she said, "sorry that I yelled. The people who moved into Eva and Kriss' old apartment keep coming over and asking me for baking ingredients. Just buy your own eggs, I'm telling you..."

James smiled a bit at her fire. She did seem more like herself, although she looked pale and tired. "Tough day at work?"

"Yeah. There was a Death Eater attack in a Muggle neighborhood, I'm surprised you didn't hear about it."

"I did. Moody sent the Prewetts and a team of Obliviators. I reckon it was pretty bad." He glanced around the kitchen. "Did you eat yet? I could cook, if you haven't."

"That would be great," she said quietly, avoiding his gaze. He didn't know what to make of this, so he busied himself with pots and pans. "How was your day?"

"Oh, fine. Hey, guess what? Alice is pregnant!" James poked his head up from behind the counter to see her reaction, which ended up being her walking into a cabinet door.

"Ow!"

"Shoot! Are you okay?"

Lily rubbed her face, nodding. "Of course I am. That just, um, surprised me. They're having a baby?"

"Yeppers. Isn't it bloody insane, having a baby during a war? Good for them, though. They're responsible, they can handle it. I just reckon their house is a nice place to start a family."

Lily's face steadily continued to lose color, but James didn't notice because he was busy digging through the cabinets for a loaf of bread to make grilled cheese sandwiches.

"They're really excited about it, though. Frank said they found out a few weeks ago and Alice already temporarily resigned."

Lily's lips curved down at the edges. "She quit?"

"For a few months. You can't have a pregnant woman going out to fight Lord Voldemort, for Merlin's sake. It's not safe."

"Right," Lily murmured, nodding as tears filled her eyes.

James heard the tremor in her voice and finally looked up. "Lily, what's wrong?" He put down the pan and wrapped his arms around her, alarmed to find her small body trembling and cold. "What is it?"

"Nothing. I'm just-" She took a deep, shuddering breath, "-I'm just so happy for them."

"Rubbish. Something's on your mind, and it's not the Longbottoms."

"James," she whispered into his chest. She'd never been so afraid in her entire life. "I'm so scared."

"Of what?" He rubbed circles on her back comfortingly. "You're scaring me, honey."

"I'm pregnant."

*

CHAPTER 24

For the first time in his life, someone had rendered James Fleamont Potter speechless. Lily knew that wasn't a good sign.

"You're- you're what?" James asked weakly. He didn't let go of her, but she felt his embrace loosen.

"We're going to have a baby."

He ran a hand through his messy black curls and took a step back. "I- how long have you known?"

Lily swallowed and stared down at the table. "A week. I just had a feeling."

"Are you - are you feeling okay?" Concern flitted through his wide hazel eyes.

"Mhm. The healers said I'm perfectly healthy and everything when I went to check." Internally, she was freaking out, but someone had to be the collected one right now. "I'm five weeks along."

A wave of lightheadedness rushed over Lily and she quickly dropped into a chair. James was kneeling down at her side immediately, a panicked look on his face.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded and closed her eyes, massaging her temple with her fingers. "Just felt faint for a second. It's happened a few times. No big deal."

"Okay," James muttered, running a hand through his hair once again in anguish. He poured a cup of water and set it in front of her. "Please drink it all, you look sick."

"No, I look pregnant," she mumbled, hoping her feeble joke would bring a smile to his face. No such luck. She took a drink in an attempt to calm herself down, but her stomach twisted more than ever.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Lily whispered, tilting her head to look up him. "We're going to be a family. You always said you wanted that. Weren't you telling me the truth?"

"Well, yeah, but not during a bloody war! Not when people are dying left and right now around us!"

Lily stood up and walked over to him, dread pooling in her heart. She wrapped her arms around her stomach instinctively, where the smallest bulge had grown. How she didn't notice the subtle change before she took the pregnancy test, she had no idea. Standing across from James, she hugged herself and the baby for comfort since she apparently wasn't going to get it from him. Not yet, at least.

"Listen, I know you're scared. I was too, and I still am, but-"

"But what?"

Tears filled her eyes. She thought he'd be worried, but she never imagined a reaction like this. Holding his face in her hands, she pleaded, "Just try and calm down."

"It's not that simple." He stepped away, letting her hands fall to her sides helplessly.

"It's you and me," she said quietly. "Lily and James. It's always been you and me. We love each other. Isn't that enough for you?"

James rubbed his forehead tiredly and glanced at the clock. How is it already nine? "I don't know. I feel like... Merlin, I feel like I don't know anything right now."

"Hey. Hey, look at me." She waited until he obeyed. "I know this is scary, but we can do this."

"I wish I could believe you," James said hopelessly, shaking his head.

"But Frank and Alice-"

"I know, I know! And this is great news, no, wonderful news, Evans, but I'm a hot mess! How can you expect me to be a father?" His eyes glazed over with tears. She saw the sheer, raw terror in them.

"Just be you," she murmured, doing her best to keep her own tears in check. "You already protect all of us. You've always done that. You're good at taking care of people, Jamie. It's just your nature."

James stared at her for a moment. "I can't."

"James-"

"What if I can't be the man you need me to be? What if I can't protect you? I think about it all the time, it keeps me up some nights! We're fighting in a war! I'm an Auror! Do you know how often Moody's going to send me out when I pass the aptitude tests? You know how dangerous it is! What if I leave one day and I don't come back? I can't-" His voice wavered. "Lils, I can't do that to you."

He grabbed a coat hanging on one of the chairs and threw it over his shoulders, his back turned to her.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"What?" Lily whispered. "You're going out now?"

"Yeah. I just... I need some air."

"Don't leave. Not yet."

"I've got to go," he repeated softly, shaking his head, never looking in her eyes. Those green irises were his weakness, the object of his fancy for so many years. He hated to see those emeralds glitter not with sunshine, but with tears.

"Hey, talk to me. Please." She grabbed his hand. For a moment, his fingers tightened around the small palm in his hand, seeking the familiar comfort, but then he shook her off.

"Lily, I-" He hesitated, then shook his head and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you more than anything, and we're going to work this out. It's all going to be okay. I just need a walk. I'm sorry."

His hand was on the door and then he was gone.

Lily tried to stifle a whimper in her hands. He's gone. He was gone and she had no idea when he was coming back.

What if he doesn't?

No. She pushed that idea out of her mind instantly. James Potter was many things, but a coward wasn't one of them. Her husband was a good man. Soon, he'd be back. She had to hold onto that hope.

The redhead had a sudden urge to talk to someone. Anyone. She slid on a thick wool cardigan and snuggled into it. Wait. Could she even apparate? Was that okay? What about Flooing? Was that safe? What if it hurt the baby?

All of these questions penetrated her mind and she sank back into her chair, feeling more alone than ever, silent tears sliding down her cheeks. She tried to resist them but she soon abandoned the idea of being strong. Resting her head in her arms on the kitchen table, she broke down and sobbed.

James didn't breathe until he was a solid block away from her apartment, then he exhaled heavily and leaned against a fence post for support. It wouldn't do for him to pass out on a random sidewalk at night.

She's pregnant.

She's pregnant.

She's pregnant.

Looking back, he reacted poorly, but how was he supposed to react to that? Forget having kids. They were kids themselves! Each mission, he never knew if he was coming home. What if one of those times, he didn't? And then he left her- them - alone? Nothing in the entire world mattered to him more than Lily, and a child made her vulnerable, made them both vulnerable.

And he was terrified.

James Potter had spent the last two years fighting. He earned scars and burn marks, and he saw some things he wished he could forget. War had roughened his hands and opened his eyes. How could a soldier hold someone as small and innocent as a baby in his calloused hands?

It was hard enough protecting one person who could protect herself.

How could he possibly handle protecting someone who couldn't?

*

Sirius was sprawled out on the couch, half-asleep, the radio droning and a copy of Quidditch Throughout the Ages on his chest when he heard the knock. Alarmed, he sat up instantly and fumbled around the coffee table for his wand. Then he decided that a Death Eater wouldn't be so polite as to knock. All the same, he crept forward with caution, still armed. Only an idiot would answer the door without a wand in his hand.

"James." He blinked a few times, but his friend was still there. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to talk to Evans!"

"I did talk to her," James said, his voice lacking its usual enthusiasm.

"So?" Sirius prodded. "How'd it go?"

"Well. We're fine now. She's just been stressed out with work. She's tired."

Sirius grinned. "Glad you got things sorted out between you two. It would be a pity if our dear Jily kept fighting." He waved James into the apartment. "Step into my palace. What brings you here?"

"Do you want to go get drinks?" James asked abruptly.

A faint crease appeared between Sirius' eyebrows. "Drinks?"

"Yes, drinks. Me, you, Remus, Peter. Just like old times. Guys' night. There's this new pub I've been wanting to try in Godric's Hollow-"

"You don't need to ramble. Any excuse to get firewhiskey is a yes from me." He winked. "Let me just grab my jacket. I should probably leave Eva a note, too. She'll worry if she gets home and I'm not here."

James followed Sirius into the kitchen and watched as he sorted through drawers to find a quill and parchment. "Where's Eva?"

"With Alice," Sirius said absentmindedly. He put the quill between his teeth and searched for an inkwell. He never really wrapped his head around Eva's Muggle pens.

"Alice?" James asked, drawing in a sharp breath. Sirius gave him a weird look.

"Yeah, Alice. Out of the blue, Moody called Frank in for some mission. He couldn't say no, obviously, so he left. Eva went over to watch a movie because she reckoned Ali might get lonely. 'Course, that made me lonely, but I get it. I don't mind. Can you believe it, though? This is exactly what we were talking about on the way home! I mean, what are the odds?"

"What are the odds?" He repeated monotonously.

Sirius glanced at James as he pulled his leather jacket on. "Something wrong, mate? You look rough."

"I'm okay. Still warming up from outside."

"Well," Sirius said, grinning as he slung an arm around his friend, "that's nothing that a drink can't fix."

After rounding up the remaining Marauders, the four boys found themselves in a pub in Godric's Hollow, seated around a small table. Their waitress, a short brunette with bangs, scurried over to them with a notepad.

"All right, lads, what'll it be?"

"Firewhiskey," Sirius said, throwing in a playful wink that made the waitress blush the color of a tomato.

"Butterbeer, please," requested Remus.

"Make that two butterbeers," Peter added.

James swallowed and shrugged. "Just a coffee, thanks. Make it black. And bring loads of those tiny sugar packets. Please."

The waitress frowned at his odd request but jotted it down all the same before skittering off.

"Prongs, do mine ears deceiveth me?" Sirius crowed. He bumped his shoulder into James' so hard that the unassuming boy almost fell off of his chair. Remus frowned, unnerved by James' behavior. "Are you to be our designated driver tonight? Moony, you're off the hook!"

"We didn't bring a car, Pads," Peter said, confused.

"Not the point! James, why a coffee?"

"Because I'm tired," James snapped. "Is there something so terribly wrong with that?"

His attitude took everyone at the table by surprise. Sirius, Peter, and Remus all exchanged confused looks, but silently agreed not to say anything.

"Right, so when are you two taking those aptitude tests for Moody?" Peter asked.

"About a month from now," Sirius answered. "Blimey, isn't that odd? In a month, we could be actual Aurors, James!"

"Mhm."

Sirius frowned. He wanted to ask what happened because something so clearly did happen, but he worried his questions would only upset his friend more.

"Here are your drinks." The waitress divvied out their orders and walked away before anyone could try to flirt with her. James immediately dumped seven sugar packets into his coffee and took a big gulp.

Grimacing, he muttered, "that's bloody disgusting."

"You drank the Dead Sea in a teacup once and that's gross?"

"Shut up, Moony," James said, cracking the first smile the boys had seen from him that day, but it soon faded.

"This place is okay, but it's not the Three Broomsticks," Remus said, glancing around at their surroundings. The bar's decor was sleek and modern. It didn't give the homey atmosphere of Rosmerta's pub. The bartenders didn't wink and chat and get to know their customers. "I like the Leaky Cauldron more."

Sirius slammed down his half-empty bottle. "The firewhiskey's good."

"It's the same firewhiskey, mate," Peter said with a smirk.

"I don't care. Hey Prongs, how's the coffee?"

"Still disgusting, thanks." James took another swig and cringed. "Ugh."

"Stop drinking it, then," Sirius advised. "Personally, I'd recommend the firewhiskey!"

"Would you just shut up about the damn firewhiskey already?" James exclaimed exasperatedly. He grabbed the firewhiskey, drank some, then put the bottle down. "There. Are you happy?"

"James, what's wrong?" Sirius snapped, his anger boiling beneath the surface. Peter put a hand on his shoulder as a reminder to stay calm. "And don't say nothing!"

James looked up at him, his hazel eyes bloodshot and lost. "Fine, then. I'm worried. Worried out of my mind."

He pushed the chair in, its metal legs scraping the tile loudly, and left.

Peter lowered his bottle warily. "What was that all about?"

"Dunno, but I'm not going to find out waiting around here," Sirius said. He dropped a few coins on the table and took off in the general direction of his friend. The other two remained behind to actually pay.

A cool wind ruffled Sirius' hair as he stepped out onto a cracked sidewalk in Godric's Hollow. He pulled the slouch beanie over his head and shoved his hands into his pockets, then scanned the streets.

"James!" Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs, worried that he would do something incredibly stupid if left alone for too long. He'd never seen James like this before. Passerbys shot him odd looks but he couldn't have cared less. "James!"

Sirius blindly picked streets to wander down, hoping that sooner or later, he'd bump into James, but that chance sounded slim. For all he knew, James had apparated away from the quaint little town.

He passed a little church, its white steeple poking the moon in the sky. A few candles illuminated the stained glass, making the windows reminiscent of candy. Beyond it was a cemetery that gave Sirius the creeps. Rows upon rows of gravestones, some dotted with flowers. He refused to take the shortcut and go through it, thinking that if James decided to hang out in a garden of dead people in Godric's Hollow, he was beyond help anyway. Instead, he took the long way around.

Randomly, he picked yet another direction past the square. The oil lamps that lit the winding path enabled him to read 'Rain Drive' on a paint-chipped sign. Cottages lined the street, cozy little homes with bushes and flower beds and other conventional house stuff Sirius tended to laugh at. The town really was a pretty place, though. The moment he spotted a figure on a bench, his smile faded.

James sat hunched over, his head in his hands. His curls were messy from running his fingers through them so many times, and when he looked up, the moonlight reflected the tears on his pale face.

"What's wrong? Why'd you run off?"

"I messed up, Sirius. I messed up so bad."

"About what?" Sirius asked calmly, realizing that now was clearly not the time for a joke or pun.

"I was so stupid, but only because I was scared! Lily... by Merlin, Lily probably hates me now! I hate myself now! I messed everything up-"

"Whoa, slow down." Sirius put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Why would Evans hate you? She loves you. She married you a few weeks ago!"

"I love her more than anything. I always have. But today, I said horrible things to her and I really freaked her out! And the world has gone to hell, Pads, it feels like the world's going to end! It feels like it's closing in and I just can't breathe!" He ran a hand down his face and then gestured wildly. "I need to keep her - them - safe, but I don't know how."

"The world's not as bad as you think. We've still got each other, right? We're a family and we stick together, no matter what. That's something. I wouldn't worry about Evans. She knows you well enough to understand that you're an idiot and she loves you - wait, did you say them?"

James nodded, staring at the cobblestone sidewalk beneath his boots.

Sirius muttered under his breath, "meaning that she's-?"

"Yeah."

"And you're-?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Sirius sighed and shook his head. "I really should not have said some of the things I said today around you, right? No wonder you're such a mess."

"What, about responsibility and war and kids and crap? Yeah, that may have set me on edge a bit," James said sarcastically, but his bravado soon faded away. "What am I gonna do?"

"What do you mean, what are you gonna do?" Sirius asked, his voice edgy.

"I told you, I screwed this up. I freaked out, which freaked Lily out. Point is, this whole thing is a total disaster and it's all my fault."

Sirius fiddled with his wedding ring as he thought. It was a tick of his, twisting that band of gold on his finger back and forth. "I thought you wanted to have kids with her."

"Well, I do!"

"Then what's the problem?"

"I-" He stood up and began to pace erratically. "I don't know! I just panicked, okay? That wasn't exactly what I was expecting her to tell me!"

"So what do I do? I don't even have a clue how to fix this."

"First things first, you're going to see Evans."

He shook his head. "She won't want to see me."

"Yes, she will. Tell me what happened. Don't leave anything out."

Reluctantly, James recounted the story for Sirius. How Lily seemed off. How he was holding her in his arms when she told him about the pregnancy. How the fight escalated with him leaving.

"So you just left her?" Sirius asked. Personally, he was a little more than upset with James for ditching Lily after she admitted something that scared her so much. If Eva ever told him that, he'd probably be worried, too, but he wouldn't leave her alone. Never. They were a team. They worked through their problems together. "You just up and left Evans even though she was scared out of her wits and feeling awful, Prongs?"

"Blimey, don't make me feel worse!"

"You should feel bad! You don't just do that to the girl you love!"

"Yeah, I know," he whispered hollowly. "I know. I just got... scared."

"Why?"

James put his head in his hands as a few tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes. "Just... just listen. My parents were in their fifties when they had me. I'm nineteen. Nineteen! Not to mention that they weren't members of the bloody Order of the Phoenix. I don't know how to do this. I don't-" His voice broke, "-know how to keep them safe."

"We'll help you."

James looked up at Remus. "H-how long have you been here?"

"Long enough," Peter answered, sitting down cross-legged right there on the sidewalk. "We didn't exactly think it was the time to interrupt."

Sirius nudged James' shoulder with his. "So, what are you gonna do?"

James stood up and sighed. He closer his eyes and prayed for the strength to be who he needed to be. His friends stayed silent, knowing how important the next few minutes would be no matter what path he chose.

A cool wind swept over him and he found the courage to open his eyes again. His gaze immediately fell on the house across the street from them. Even though he really didn't know why he was doing it, he crossed the street to get a closer look, the other three in tow.

It was a two-story cottage, the one he'd bought for them, made of vine-covered cobblestone. The hedges were overgrown and the lawn was too tall. A window on the second floor had been shattered, most likely from the broken branch underneath it. Under a massive oak tree in the front yard, a rope swing moved lazily in the wind.

James ran his fingers over the rusted gate and unlocked it, walking towards the house. After a moment, Peter followed him.

He carefully avoided the cracks in the cobblestone path and sidestepped the weeds. At the front door, he muttered, "Alohamora," and pushed it open.

The cottage was dark, lit only by their two wands. It smelled like moss. Peter walked right into a massive cobweb.

"Ugh!" He exclaimed, trying to get it off of his face. "Disgusting."

James continued on as Peter battled with the spiderweb. He ran his hand down an obnoxious green wallpaper that was peeling at the edges, looking silently around the small living room. Out through the big window, he could see Remus and Sirius arguing heatedly by the gate about something. Then, he mounted the narrow set of stairs, skipping one step that seemed ready to give out any second.

Upstairs, the ugly wallpaper trend continued, switching from neon green to maroon and navy stripes. A dirty shag carpet lined the hallway, one of the popular decoration ideas born out of the seventies that he despised. He poked his head into different rooms with no particular purpose until he reached the one at the end of the hall.

There was still quite a bit of work to be done, but it was theirs.

James spun around and took in the smallest bedroom, empty except for a single wall hanging. It was an embroidery hoop, covered in a thick layer of dust. He brushed it off and read a single word stitched in cursive, little flowers surrounding it.

Home

Sirius, Peter, and Remus found their friend sitting on the middle of the floor, crying.

"Mate? You okay?" Remus asked, crouching down next to him with a concerned expression on his scarred face.

James glanced up, a glassy look in his red-rimmed eyes. "Yeah, I actually am," he chuckled. Remus offered a hand and pulled him up. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around again, a small, disbelieving smile on his face. "I'm... I'm a dad."

Sirius grinned and flicked a dark lock out of his eyes. "Right you are."

"And we're all with you," Peter said encouragingly.

"I need to find Lily."

"Let's go, then," Remus said. All four Marauders joined hands, and for a moment, James Potter felt invincible. "The apartment, right?"

After the familiar unpleasantness of apparation, they ran up the stairwell like they used to race up the moving staircases at Hogwarts when they were young boys, James leading the pack.

He pushed open the door slowly and poked his head in. "Lils?" He asked in a quiet voice before stepping inside.

Lily and Eva were both asleep on the couch, snuggled together under a big blanket. While they weren't really alike in appearance, they looked like sisters at the moment. The guys smiled fondly at the redhead and the blonde, at least until one set of green eyes opened.

Eva's eyes narrowed at James, but she waited to say or do anything until she had carefully extracted herself from under the blanket. Then, she grabbed him by the collar and yanked him into the kitchen, him nearly tripping over a set of shoes someone left out.

"You complete arse!"

James knew it was bad if she started cursing. "Eva-"

"I stopped by here after visiting Alice. Lily told me everything. You left her alone, James Potter, to go get drinks?"

"Blondie, give the bloke a break," Sirius murmured, wary of waking Lily. "We just watched him sob for over an hour. He's sorry and he's here to fix things, so let go of his shirt. You don't want to rip it even though it's ugly."

Eva released her grip on his shirt and took a step back. "What're you going to tell her? She's not mad, just scared. She thinks you are, too."

"Blimey, I am scared! What am I gonna tell her?" He searched his thoughts for a moment. "I'm gonna apologize. Say that I really messed up, you know? I never should have left her alone. She just caught me really off-guard and I was terrified. I'm not saying I have things figured out, but I think that the two of us can figure things out as we go. I love her and I've always loved her and I'll protect my family until the day I die."

A soft sniffle interrupted his monologue and he turned to see Lily standing in front of the couch, wrapped up in that blanket, her eyes glistening with tears.

"Oh, James..."

He swept her into a tight hug and buried his face in the crook of her neck. "I meant it all. I'm gonna be there for you," he whispered. "And I'm not going anywhere."

She kissed his cheek as tears streamed down her face. "I love you so much."

"I love you more, Lilyflower." James smiled at her and knelt down, his hands grazing her stomach. "And I love you, too, even though you've caused quite a bit of trouble already."

author's note: this is an incredible long chapter because i was editing and i had to put two in one to keep the flow