"dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die tomorrow"

*

Sirius woke with a dull ache in his temple. To be honest, it didn't bother him much. This was just another bruise from his mother, another scar from that wretched family. It would fade in a few days and he'd move on.

"Pads?"

But that didn't make sense. That was James' voice. James didn't belong in his house. None of his friends ever visited Grimmauld Place. He made sure of that. Reg did, wherever Reg was, but not James.

A very confused Sirius opened his eyes, blinking at the whiteness of what appeared to be a hospital room. Next to him, James sat hunched over in a stiff chair, momentary relief evident on his abnormally pale face. Purplish circles underlined his hazel eyes.

"Hey. It's good to see your eyes again, mate."

"Hi. I don't get it. What's going on?" Sirius rubbed his temple and felt a deep pain shoot through his forehead. Slowly, he began to put the pieces together as he remembered what had gone down before this. "Oh."

"You feeling better?" James passed his friend a cup of water, which he downed instantly. "You should. You were out for over a day."

"Is my head supposed to feel like it got whacked with a baseball bat?"

James almost smiled. "Luckily, your hair is still immaculate."

"Well, that's one of the only constants in life. Politicians being crooked, the Chudley Cannons playing worst in the league, and my hair being amazing. If you look up 'perfect' in the dictionary, there's a picture of my flowing locks right next to the word." He laughed, but his smile faded quickly, replaced by panic as he remembered something else. "Where's Eva? Is she here? How is she?"

James swallowed and looked down. Just to have something to do with his hands, he took his glasses off and cleaned them a few times.

"Prongs, where's Eva?"

"Sirius-"

"James, tell me what happened to her."

"I don't know." His voice broke. "I don't know what happened to her. No one will tell me anything. The healers aren't letting anyone see her. Even getting in to see you was a stretch. Pete and Marlene left a few hours ago. They both have work. I actually haven't been home. I took the day off, though. Told Moody I wasn't coming in. Lily's been stopping by to give me updates, but there's nothing to really share."

Sirius sat up in bed, his gray eyes wide. His mouth went dry and he felt like he needed to throw up. "How badly was she hurt?"

"Sirius-"

"Stop trying to make me feel better," Sirius said in a flat voice. "Please. Just tell me what happened."

"One of the Death Eaters got her with Dark Magic. The healers have never seen anything like it before. Lily was in there once before they kicked her out. She said it wasn't... she said it wasn't good. She said there was blood everywhere. If they don't figure something out soon, Lily thinks she's going to bleed out." Tears bit at the corners of his eyes, aided by exhaustion, but he blinked them back.

Sirius stayed silent, his chin resting on his folded hands. Then, he swung his legs around and got out of bed.

"Where do you think you're going?" James asked, moving to get between his friend and the door.

"To see my fiancé."

"You can't. They won't let you in."

"All right." He tried to sidestep James.

"Where are you going now?"

"To kill my damn coward brother, that's where."

James put his hands on Sirius' shoulders to hold him back. "No. Absolutely not. You're not killing anyone. That's not like you."

"He knew!" Sirius burst out. "He knew and didn't tell her! I don't care about me! He could have warned her! I want to kill him! He deserves it!"

"You need to calm down, Pads. Really. You're still not right in the head-"

"I don't care about my head. I don't care about me! She could be dying! She could be dying right now and you want me to just sit here?"

"It isn't easy for me, either," James snapped, pushing him back. "You're not the only one who cares about her. You never were! Get that through your thick head and sit down! Hasn't your impulsiveness messed us up enough as it is?"

There was a beat of silence. Hazel eyes and gray eyes glared.

"Get out, Potter."

"No, no, I'm staying here. You know why? Because that's what family does. I've been here for a day and a half. Every single time Lily walks in, I freak out and she has to calm me down even though she's freaking out too, but I can't help it, because what if it's bad news? What happens then? How do we - how do we move on from that? I mean, how do we-?"

James didn't remember deciding to wrap his arms around Sirius, but it happened nonetheless, and the two boys hugged each other tightly, desperation in their grip. There weren't many people that Sirius would let hug him, but James Potter would always make that list.

"Sirius, you're not acting like... you."

"I'm fine, Prongs." The harsh tone of his mate's voice confused James. It was their fifth year, probably Sirius' worst year. He made a habit of pushing people away, even his best friends. No one knew why. The summer hadn't been kind to him.

"No, you're not."

"James, just shut your mouth, okay?" Sirius snapped, throwing the clothes he was folding down onto the dorm bed. "Don't talk about things you don't understand. Because you don't understand, okay? You don't."

James blinked. "Then help me understand. Tell me what's going on."

"What makes you think something's going on?"

That was it. James tended to be the more levelheaded one of the two, but that wasn't saying much.

"I don't want to hear your bloody excuses. I'm sick of them. Peter asked you for help on that essay for Sprout today and you completely lashed out at him. Remus tried to talk to you about it but you freaked out at him too. I'm not going to just let you take whatever crap that's going on in your head out on everyone else."

Sirius stared coldly at him. "I'll leave you all alone, then."

"No! I want you to tell me what's really going on!"

"Why do you care?" Sirius yelled.

James threw his hands up into the air in frustration. "Because we're brothers! We look out for each other! I get it, your home life sucks and I'm sorry that you never had a proper family, I really am, but don't push away the people who actually care about you!"

Wordlessly, James strode up to his friend and embraced him. Sirius just stood there, shocked.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm giving you a hug. Take it or leave it, we'll talk after."

Hesitantly, Sirius wrapped his arms around James.

They ended up talking for hours about the problems in Sirius' home, how much pressure his parents were putting on him. At one point, he showed James some of the more recent scars from a beating that happened over the holiday, which made James want to scream, but he held it together for his brother.

"I'm sorry," Sirius muttered in James' ear. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

"I can't... we've got to stick together. I can't do this without you guys."

"I know." A tear slid down Sirius' cheek. "I want to marry her. I want to marry her so bad."

James felt his heart break for his brother, felt it break again for his sister. "You will."

"She didn't want to wait. It's my fault. I waited too long. It's all my fault."

"You've been engaged for two months," James mumbled. "That's not too long at all."

"I don't care. I've loved her for five years, five whole damn years, and now that I've finally got her, she's going to be taken away from me."

"Please don't talk like that. Please."

Sirius stepped back, realizing exactly how negative he'd just become. He sat down at the end of the hospital bed and sighed.

"Do you remember," he said slowly, "when all we wanted to do was get out of Hogwarts and see the world?"

James smiled softly. "I reckon the world's bigger than we expected."

"Tell me about it."

"I still can't bring myself to believe it's all bad."

"Yeah, me either."

The bespectacled boy took a seat on the bed next to the long-haired one. Somehow, they both had survived everything life threw at them. It wasn't easy. There were full moons and girl problems and fights, but they stuck together and kept moving forward.

The door flung open, startling both boys, and a familiar face entered the room, one they hadn't seen for a few weeks.

"What did you idiots do?"

They both sprung up. James held up his hands defensively. "Take it easy, Moony-"

"I leave you lot alone for five minutes and it all goes to absolute shit!"

"Remus-"

"Slow down, mate-"

"Who wants to bloody explain what happened? I got a Patronus from Lily this morning saying that the two of you nearly got yourselves killed in a row with some Death Eaters. She said Eva was worse than you. Sirius, you bruised your pretty self, what did you do?"

"I didn't do it myself!" Sirius exclaimed. "It was Lestrange!"

"Lestrange?" Remus questioned. "The Mr. or the Mrs.?"

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Kicked me in the side of the head, he did."

Remus' scarred face broke into the ghost of a grin and he embraced them both tightly. "It's good to see you two again. How's Eva?"

Sirius glanced down at the ground, choosing to keep his mouth shut instead of losing it all over again, so James answered, "We haven't heard anything yet. All I know is someone got her with Dark Magic."

"Bellatrix," Sirius whispered hollowly, still looking at his folded hands. "I need a cigarette."

"No, you don't," Remus snapped, gripping his shoulder for a moment to anchor him.

James sighed heavily and looked around. "Whatever happens will happen whether we freak out or not."

"Since when were you wise?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised.

"I've always been wise. It was just hidden under a whole lot of idiot."

Sirius laughed and punched him playfully in the shoulder. "You've never been more honest in your entire life, mate."

"You seem all right," James commented, looking Remus up and down. "Full moon was what, two days ago? I was worried, but minus the swearwolf words, you appear to be better than usual."

"You reckon? Well, I guess that's good." He turned the chair around and sat down, leaning his arms on the back. "Just so you know, I'm still mad at the two of you, but I'm just glad you're okay."

"Did you come alone?" James asked. He messed up Sirius' hair before plopping onto the bed with an innocent smile.

Remus shook his head. "Nah, Kriss met up with Lily. She's on her lunch break, so I think they're down in the cafeteria.  She'll be up soon."

"And how is Kriss?" Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"She's fine. She likes Dorset a lot and she practically worships Mr. Scamander-"

"Ah, cut the boring monologue. Did you snog her yet?" James asked, grinning.

Remus almost slapped him. "No!"

"Why not? You clearly still fancy her!"

"So what? It doesn't matter whether I fancy her or not!" Remus protested, raking a hand through his sandy brown hair. He caught sight of a few scars on his hands, scars that only incensed him further. "Even if she'd have me, and that's a massive if, getting back together is a bad idea."

"Why?" Sirius asked sharply. "Because you'd be happy for once? Is that so bad?"

Remus rubbed his face with his hands, thinking about his future, a thing as uncertain as their current situation. The fact that he could so easily come when he heard the news about his friends showed him just how unstable he was. Nothing anchored him anywhere.

"The last time I tried being happy with her, she almost died."

"We were in school," James said, rolling his eyes. "We were young. We were stupid."

"That was barely seven months ago," Remus fired back. "And we're still stupid."

"That's true," Sirius said. He cringed at James' death glare. "We are still stupid! I disagree with the whole 'Moony stays single forever' plan, though."

"I didn't come all the way back here for love advice," grumbled Remus.

"Yeah, well get comfortable," James said, winking. "Cause it's happening anyway.

*

"-and I'm positive that You-Know-Who will start recruiting Dementors for his army if he hasn't already. It makes perfect sense," Kriss said, glancing briefly up from her notebook to Lily, who nodded with interest, but she looked tired. "I'm rambling, aren't I?"

Lily smiled and reached across the table to place a hand on hers. "A bit, but it doesn't matter. I missed you."

"I missed you, too." It was odd to Kriss, having people that cared when she wasn't there, but she liked it. Even though her reason for returning worried her, it was still nice to see her friends. "I wish I could stay."

"Are you two going back soon?" Lily asked sadly. "It doesn't feel right without you guys!"

Kriss shrugged and let her thoughts wander. "I'm going back for a while still. Remus is staying, though. I think he's going to start visiting other werewolf colonies around Britain."

"But you'll be all alone!" Lily exclaimed. She checked her watch: three minutes until her next shift.

"That's what I wanted anyway, wasn't it?" The brunette smiled wryly as she thought of the irony. "I won't be alone and it isn't forever. Mr. and Mrs. Scamander are really kind."

"Still." Lily sighed and looked down at her pathetic peanut butter sandwich. "I wish we could just stay together all of the time."

Kriss squeezed her hand. "I need to help Dumbledore in any way I can. And if that means being away from all of you for a little while, then I can handle it. It's for the best. Once the war's over, we can all be together again."

"Lils, can you help me?"

They both looked up to see Remus, a concerned expression on his face.

"Um, yeah." Lily hugged Remus before backing up. "What's up?"

"Can you make James go home? He keeps nodding off and he won't listen to either of us."

The redhead brushed her hands off on her lime-green robes. "Being stubborn again, huh?"

"You bet. Even Sirius is telling him to leave, but he won't. I don't think he's slept in over a day. He looks really terrible."

Lily smiled faintly. "I've seen him worse."

Her mind strayed to all of the times she'd seen James Potter injured, starting in their first year when he got into broomstick accident number one of many. Sometimes he'd limp into the common room with a bloody nose after getting into a fight with someone who messed with his friends. When they were thirteen, he broke his ankle jumping off of the smallest greenhouse for a dare. And then there was that terrible full moon when she thought she couldn't save him, when he lay there in the Room of Requirement bleeding to death, when she begged Severus to help save his life. Thank goodness he knew a counter-curse she didn't.

He was bleeding out...

"Bloody hell!" Lily shrieked, running out of the cafeteria without a single word of explanation to either of her friends.

Remus raised his eyebrows, amused. "She must be mad at him to curse."

"I don't know," Kriss said. She kept her gaze on the table and her voice soft. "It looked like she remembered something."

"She'll tell us later." He exhaled heavily. "As long as she gets James to leave, I don't care. He's the glue that holds us all together, you know. It's always been him."

"Yeah." When the two started dating, James instantly embraced her as one of the family. As someone who shuddered at the very idea of meeting her boyfriend's best friends, he felt safe to her. It made sense that he was the one that kept the family united.

The awkwardness between the two of them grew as they existed without words. It hurt her heart to remember how much she used to love their silence.

"I, um, I'm going to get some air. It's stuffy in here. I think I'll go for a walk outside."

Remus watched her go, watched her weave her way through the sea of tables and people, her hair swaying around her shoulders, and wondered why he couldn't let her go already. It would be so much easier for both of them.

"You look lost."

He turned to find an old woman at a table near theirs, smiling wistfully at him.

"I'm not lost," he answered shortly. "I know exactly where I am."

She chuckled and stirred her coffee. "Not that kind of lost. I mean perplexed."

"No, I just wish I could forget."

The old lady leaned forward, her brown eyes crinkling at the edges.

"You wish you could forget someone or something?" She asked. When he didn't say anything, she added, "Usually if we can't forget, it's because underneath all of the layers of hurt and logic, we really want to remember that thing anyway."

Do you want to head to the Prefect compartments, then?

Well, I was going to ask if you wanted to meet me at the library tonight.

I've known you for what, a month? And you still decide to let - what was it you called me? - to let an attractive yet cocky prat blindfold you and take you somewhere?

The whole school's going to know in about thirty seconds.

I love you, bookworm.

Learn to lie better or just tell the truth.

You will always deserve better than me.

All I wanted was you! Damnit, I didn't care!

I'm sorry.

And just like that, he knew what he wanted more than anything.

Maybe it didn't matter who he was or who he would become. Maybe all that mattered was the way he felt like someone lit him on fire every time she walked into a room and the way her clear blue eyes calmed even the wildest storm inside of him.

He wanted the late nights reading near the fire, cold cups of tea on the coffee table. He wanted the feel of scratchy wool sweaters on his cheek and that fluffy cat snuggling into his side and a cottage in the middle of nowhere filled with bookshelves.

"I've got to go," he blurted out in a manner completely unlike him. The woman waved him forward.

And he ran.

Remus ran past the green-robed healers and the groups of well-wishers like himself in the hallways, ran down the stairs instead of waiting for the lift, and right out the doors of St. Mungo's into the pouring rain.

"Kriss!" He yelled, pushing past pedestrians on the sidewalk, nearly slipping in puddles. "Kriss!"

The thunder drowned out his voice, but not before he saw a girl turn around in the crowd. Her wet navy and white checkered dress clung to her body and her damp hair hung around her heart-shaped face. He couldn't hear her, but he saw her lips mouth his name.

Out of breath, he stopped right in front of her, water dripping down both of them. The world kept turning as people walked around them, but theirs froze in time.

"Listen," he said, gripping her hand tightly in hers. She flinched in surprise, but she didn't pull away. "I'm no good for you. I'm poor and dangerous and unstable and I pushed you away because you didn't deserve to get dragged into that stigma. But life's too short, Kriss. It's too short to drag my fucking feet around because I never stopped loving you."

She stared up at him, blue eyes wide. "Remus-"

"You don't have to forgive me. I know you can't just forget everything that's happened between us. I know I lied to you and I hurt you, but I love you. All I'm asking for is another shot to prove exactly how much."

A small, disbelieving laugh escaped from her lips as he pushed a few wet strands of hair out of her face. "Really?"

"Really."

Cupping her face in his rough, scar-covered hands that he hated, he leaned down and kissed her. She threw her arms around his neck and his arms wrapped around her waist. Slowly, he lifted her and spun her around, never breaking their kiss. The rain continued to pour down and the people continued to avoid them, but they were oblivious, too busy making up for months wasted pretending that they didn't need each other when they clearly did.

Inside of the hospital, a few words sent Sirius sprinting down the hallway, flinging open a door to find Lily practically crying in relief, the wand in her hand shaking. He engulfed the small redhead in a massive bear hug before wrapping his arms around Eva, tears streaming down both of their cheeks.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

The end of this was completely unplanned, btw, but I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT IT! Drop a comment and tell me what you thought!

I've been binging 'Boy Meets World' and Shawn and Corey remind me so much of Sirius and James, it's not even funny.

QOTD: Remadora or Krissmus?

AOTD: no comment.