"what if i'm tryin', but then i close my eyes and then i'm right back,
lost in that last goodbye?
what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
what if i never get over you?
what if i gave everything i've got?
what if your love was my one and only shot?
what if i end up with nothing to compare it to?
what if i never get over you?"

*

A cool wind tousled Eva's curls as she walked in the sand. She pulled her shoes and socks off because she never liked wearing shoes on the beach. It felt like a downright sin. She simply tossed them back toward the house and, shoving her hands into her pockets, continued on. The envelope brushed her skin, but she let it be. She hadn't moved it from her coat pocket since the day she received it.

Above her, the sky faded into a twilight mix of purple and pink, shimmering over the ocean in a picturesque way. She almost sat down to sketch it but knew that as soon as she tried, the moment would slip through her fingers. Nothing beautiful lasted. Nothing gold can stay, she thought, recalling a line from one of Remus' favorite poetry books.

Eventually, Eva stopped and sat down, letting the waves lap at her ankles. The water was so frigid that it hurt, but she made no attempt to move. If she hadn't sworn off the drink a few years ago, she thought that tonight would have been a good night for firewhiskey.

Darkness soon fell over the beach. Bored, she pulled out her wand. She was completely alone, so no one could peg her for exposing the magical world. Thinking she couldn't possibly feel worse, she whispered two words.

"Expecto Patronum."

A puff of silver smoke trickled out the end of her wand, but nothing else. Her grip tightened as she tried again in a shaky voice.

"Expecto Patronum."

This time, nothing happened at all. No butterfly, no silvery companion to keep her company. She'd been working on the spell for weeks now. It had become increasingly frustrating and heartbreaking.

"So, if you can't think of a good memory, you can just use mine."

"Which one did you use?"

"Us, the other night. Saying hi to Ringo, pushing you down the hill, running from Filch, laughing. You know, laughing. Picture us laughing."

A single tear slipped down her cheek, cold against her skin.

Playful shrieking interrupted her thoughts and she hastily stowed her wand in her coat pocket. Her gaze fell on a little girl with blonde pigtails a good distance down the shoreline, laughing as she ran into the ocean. On the shore, two people who must have been her parents were laughing.

The tears fell faster now, sliding down her face at an alarming rate. She took in a shuddering breath, then put her head down on her knees, long past attempting to control the sadness that never seemed to go away.

Contrary to popular belief, Eva Taylor was not a happy person.

Someone sat down next to her. She didn't have to look up to know it was Remus. Wordlessly, she rested her head on his shoulder and continued to cry.

"Hard night?"

With a lump in her throat, she nodded. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gripped her hand, rubbing it comfortingly with his thumb.

"It's okay," he muttered. "It's going to be okay someday, I swear."

Remus' coffee-brown eyes found the moon, full and beautiful and horrible. Even though he dreaded the night ahead, he dreaded leaving her alone like this more. It's going to be okay someday. He'd lost track of how many times he'd repeated those words over the years, and wondered if they'd ever make it to someday.

"It's just... it's just hard, sometimes," she admitted, brushing a few tears away impatiently.

He nodded in understanding, then chose to start small. "What's hard today?"

"My Patronus. I can't get it to work."

Remus tried not to look surprised, but she'd always been a natural at that particular incantation. Personally, he hadn't cast a Patronus in years, either, because anything related to dementors made him sick to his stomach. A nagging suspicion told him that this wasn't the real source of her problems.

"What's really wrong? Something's bothering you. You don't have to share if you don't want to, though," He said gently, giving her the chance to back out if she needed to take it.

Eva took a deep breath and pulled a wool beanie over her curls. "I got a letter from Dumbledore."

"Another one?" Remus' voice was sharp, uncharacteristically sharp. "When?"

"Two months ago."

"Two months! And you didn't-" At the hurt look on her face, he lowered his voice. He knew that close to the full moon, his temper tended to get the best of him, and he didn't want that to apply to his best friend. "I didn't see an owl."

"It wasn't an owl. He sent someone- Andromeda and Ted's girl, Nymphadora. She's training to be an Auror now, and she gave me a letter. I haven't read it yet." She pulled the envelope out of her pocket and debated dropping it right into the sea. The water would bleed away the ink and deteriorate the paper, ending the problem once and for all.

"Nymphadora," Remus said thoughtfully. "You know, a lot of people ragged on Andromeda for picking that name, but I always liked it."

"Well, she hates it."

"Why?" He looked genuinely confused. "Her name comes from Greek mythology. And it's pretty."

"I don't know how important names are in the grand scheme of things," Eva said. She thought about her own. Eva for the happiness she brought her parents, Brandi for the song they loved to dance to, and the last name she hadn't used in ten years, one that earned her pitiful glances and shocked gasps. "Although I do think your mum should have named you something else."

"Why's that?"

She gave him a look. "Remus Lupin? Roughly translated to Werewolf McWerewolf? Merlin, she was asking for a furry little problem."

"Maybe I do need a name change, then," he chuckled. "Any suggestions?"

"Chip. Elmo. Brogan. Safe ones like those." She giggled and glanced up at the sky. "Tonight, right?"

"Yeah. I should leave soon, actually."

"I still wish I could help you somehow," Eva said with a frown.

Remus shook his head. "I don't reckon that a butterfly'll do me much good. It's not worth all of that trouble, and I know you don't feel like dealing with the Ministry."

That much was true. If Eva never had to step foot in the Ministry again, that would be fine with her. She hated Cornelius Fudge, hated Dolores Umbridge, hated anyone that had to do with the government. She didn't trust them anymore.

Remus grimaced as he readjusted, feeling the ache in his bones more than ever. The wind swept over the beach, and they both shivered a bit. With his gaze on the blue flower tattooed on her wrist, he spoke again.

"I think you should read it."

She turned quickly to look at him. Her heart beat a little faster. "What?"

"I think you should read it," he said quietly, tracing a scar on his left hand. "I also think you want to read it."

"I do, but I'm scared."

"Of what?" He asked gently.

That I'm never going to get over him. "So many things."

Remus fell silent for a moment, biting his lip as he thought. "I'll read it for you," he offered.

Her grip tightened on the envelope. "What do you mean?"

"I'll read it first and tell you what it says. Only if you want, though. If not, I'll drop it."

Eva stared down at the letter for a moment. If there was anyone she trusted with something like this anymore, it was Remus. Just like she believed in romantic soulmates, she also believed in friendship soulmates, and he was hers. Without him, she didn't know where she'd be.

"Okay."

Remus took the letter from her, eyeing the scarlet Hogwarts seal with interest. it had been a long time since either of them had received correspondence from anyone from their past. Careful to steady his trembling hands, another lovely reminder of the night to come, he opened the envelope.

"Damn it."

Eva was there in an instant, trying to snatch the letter back as anxiety gripped her heart. "What? What does it say?"

"Stop yelling, I haven't even started reading. I just realized that my glasses are at home, which makes this a lot harder."

"Remus! You freaked me out," she reprimanded, but she grinned. "Glasses. We really got old."

"Thirty-one isn't old. Now shut up and let me read."

Eva braided her hair to keep her hands busy and to keep her mind off of the letter, but she couldn't focus. She knew Remus hated people reading over his shoulder, and she respected that, but that left her sitting on the sand with jittery nerves.

"All right, done." Remus' voice sounded different, somehow. "Dumbledore, uh... he wants you to go back to London."

"No," Eva said automatically, shaking her head. London didn't have anything for her except ghosts and memories. "I like it here. I'm staying."

"Eva."

"I can't possibly leave, I'm so close to my doctorate-"

"Eva," Remus said softly, "he wants you to go back to teach at Hogwarts. He's offering you a job."

Eva blinked. She abruptly stood up and walked further into the ocean so that the water was up to her knees.

"He offered me the same thing ten years ago." She wrapped her arms around herself, making sure not to look Remus in the eyes. "I said no, and I'll say it again."

"Why? Why say no?"

Eva swallowed thickly, staring out at the ocean as her green eyes filled with tears. She reached for her rings and pulled them back and forth on the chain, the metallic sound echoing too loudly in her ears. The world was just too loud sometimes. It tapped at the corners of her mind, threatening her sanity. Sometimes, the world won, and those were her moments of breakdown.

Moments like these.

"I don't know," she whispered, but her voice cracked halfway through the sentence.

Remus was quick to wrap his arms around her and she let herself be held, let herself cry, but even this embrace didn't satisfy her. He ran a hand through her hair and gave her a brotherly kiss on the top of her head, knowing just as well as she did that anything he tried would come up short.

She needed leather against her skin and jokes that made her laugh so hard that her sides hurt. She needed daring eyes and late night conversations and firewhiskey kisses in the dark.

Eva was starved of everything she needed to feel alive, everything she'd never have again.

"I want to," she mumbled into his chest. "I want to so badly, but it's Hogwarts. There's just so much there. And I can't just up and leave you, Remus-"

"Don't worry about me," he insisted, his voice soothing. His head felt just about ready to explode, but she needed him. A few minutes of discomfort was well worth it, at least in his opinion. "I think you should do it. You always said that was your dream. I get that your dreams have changed - trust me, mine have, too - but you can't let your past control your future."

"When did you get so wise?" She asked, giggling through her tears.

"Learned it from you, of course. Come on, Eve. You'll be back with McGonagall and Quidditch and all of those other things you loved so much. Stop thinking about all of the sadness. Just think about how happy James and Lily and S- how happy they would be if they found out you'd be teaching their son."

There were some names they let themselves say, and others they refused to utter due to the pain. Eva had slowly picked up the pieces of her broken heart and sewn them back together over the years. She'd reached the point that the thought of James' horrible poems or Lily's signature eye roll didn't spiral her into depression, that the memory of Marlene's spirit or Kriss' soft smile or Peter's tight hugs didn't cause her to withdraw, but she still couldn't handle his name.

"Harry," Eva breathed. She looked up at Remus, a mix of heartbreak and wonder on her tear-streaked face. "He's going to be a first-year, isn't he?"

"Yeah. He'll be eleven in a few months, can you believe that?"

"I'm just scared," she whispered, "to see him everywhere."

Remus knew she wasn't talking about Harry anymore.

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for," he said finally. With a gentle hand, he wiped the tears from under her eyes. "You're not the same person you were all those years ago."

That's what I'm afraid of, Remus. "Did Dumbledore say what subject I'd be teaching?"

"Potions." He burst into laughter at her shocked expression. "Just messing with you. Charms. Dumbledore's not off his rocker yet."

"Charms?" Eva asked, puzzled. "What happened to Professor Flitwick?"

The two started to make their way back to Eva's house, a little cottage with a thatched roof that sat on the beach. Remus lived a few houses down.

"Apparently he's going to be teaching Astronomy. Wanted a change in subject, I suppose. I don't know what happened to the Astronomy professor, though, so don't ask. Dumbledore apologized because it isn't your favorite, but he reckons that someone's going to have to pry Transfiguration from McGonagall's cold hands one day."

Eva laughed as she recalled her old head of house. "He's probably right about that."

"So... what do you think?" Remus shoved his hands into the pockets of his shabby coat.

A smile spread across Eva's face, like the slow rise of the sun seconds before the sky breaks into beautiful colors.

"I'm going to do it."

Chapter 2! Remus and Eva are my BROTP :)

May or may not have almost cried at one point while writing this chapter.

Let me know what you thought!