"all i want to do is swim, but the waves keep crashing in"

*

Eva rubbed her eyes, trying to banish the exhaustion that always seemed to plague her these days. A few students littered the desks in her classroom, gathered there for her annual extended-hours study sessions. As usual, the record player was spinning, this time with Abbey Road. She held onto these moments of normalcy because her life was becoming anything but.

Sirius Black had been sighted again. The news had spread like wildfire across the school in the last week, and the student body was buzzing with conspiracies. Personally, she wondered at the stupidity of the situation. As much as she wanted him to be caught, she couldn't help thinking that he was smarter than being spotted in broad daylight. Perhaps Azkaban really had stolen a part of him.

"Professor?"

Her head snapped up and she immediately tried to look more awake. "Yes, Neville?"

"Could you, um, help me with the levitation charm?" The boy blushed to the color of a red beet and fumbled with his wand, embarrassed to be asking for help. "My wand movements aren't right."

"Of course. Here, it's like this." She demonstrated the proper hand movements for a levitation charm and smiled encouragingly, glad to see Neville return it. When he smiled, there was always a split second where she saw Frank. "It's a bit more graceful than how you were doing it. Does that make sense?"

"Yes! Thank you," Neville replied enthusiastically. He turned to leave but quickly turned around to add, "I like your plant."

"Thank you! That's Francis. You know, just the other day, Professor Sprout was telling me how well you perform in her class. You should be proud." She winked as he blushed a deeper scarlet than before and scurried off after mumbling his thanks.

Eva yawned again, this time more widely than the last. Her eyes drifted over to a clump of desks in the corner, where Ron, Hermione, and Harry sat studying quietly. The sight of them usually warmed her heart, but today, it brought a deadened feeling, similar to the presence of dementors.

Harry hadn't spoken to her in weeks.

His silence unnerved her more than she cared to admit. Never before had there been a barrier like this between them. Furthermore, she couldn't figure out what had possibly made him so distant.

Did I do something wrong?

As much as she hated it, though, she barely had time to focus on her godson's odd behavior. With exams looming on the horizon and frequent sightings of Sirius Black lurking in the back of her mind, her list of concerns seemed to be ever-expanding, along with helping Oliver Wood train for pro-league tryouts and covering Remus' classes when he inevitably fell ill. While she knew that juggling so much wasn't healthy, the thought of stepping back in a year that both the Board of Directors and the Ministry was keeping such a close eye on her was revolting. She just plunged herself into the icy waters of her life and prayed that she wouldn't drown.

It was no secret that Professor Taylor was quickly becoming one of the most popular teachers at Hogwarts. In the three years since she'd joined the staff, overall grades in Charms had improved, as did student morale come exam season. She possessed a certain relatability that most of the other teachers lacked, as there was something relaxing to see the young professor conducting late night study sessions in Muggle attire. Most of all, she genuinely desired for her students to succeed, and never rested until they'd reached their fullest potentials.

The last rays of evening light streamed onto her desktop and her open sketchbook. Eva returned to her scribblings, this one of Diagon Alley in the summertime. She used to spend so many hours sketching underneath the colorful umbrellas at Florian Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, back when life was simple. People would pay a few Knuts for her little portraits or landscapes, and each commission would make her heart soar. Again, it was a simpler time, one she ached for.

With a yawn, Eva checked the clock and stood up with a jolt. Nine o'clock already. How had so much time passed? Perhaps she had dozed off at one point. It was getting harder to remember. Everything felt fuzzy.

"You'd all better clean up and hurry back to your common rooms, or Professor McGonagall will have my neck. You're not supposed to be out late at night. Stop by to see me at lunch or after class if you have additional questions. Good night!"

Most of her students waved to her on the way out. Some stopped to say goodnight or to thank her, but all she could focus on was the fact that Harry left as soon as she finished speaking.

With a defeated sigh, Eva began to gather up her papers for the night. Unfortunately, her recent distraction led to disorganization, which led to a thorough cleaning of her classroom that took well over two hours. She was exhausted, but determined to feel like she'd accomplished something.

Moonlight streamed onto the wooden floorboards of her darkened classroom, all candles and lamps extinguished. There was an odd emptiness to it, a loneliness so brutal that she nearly forgot how to breathe. Moments like this plagued her too often. Though she loved Remus as a best friend and a brother, the hole in her heart was too large for one single person to fill.

Eva sat down on the floor and crossed her legs, resting her head in her hands. Wanting to bring a little light to the darkness, she pulled out her wand and searched her mind for a good memory. While she had less than high hopes for success, she settled on Christmas at the Scamanders before whispering, "Expecto Patronum."

For a moment, nothing happened. Just when she was about ready to put her wand away, silver wisps of smoke began to leak out of the end.

Eva gasped in shock and jumped up. It had been twelve years since she'd produced anything close to a Patronus. A disbelieving smile spread across her face and a laugh escaped her lips. The magic began to take form in midair and Eva waited with anticipation, eager to see her beloved little butterfly after waiting twelve long years.

Instead, the silvery smoke began to morph into something else, something much bigger than a butterfly. Eva stared, confused, her grip tightening on her wand as an animal finally took form.

A large, shaggy dog bounded around her in circles, his phantom bark practically ringing in her ears. Eva's wand fell from her shaking hand as tears bit at her eyes. She covered her mouth with her hands. The dog turned to look at her, his piercing gaze almost mournful as he faded into the darkness of night.

Before Eva knew it, she was moving. Her feet carried her out of her classroom and into the empty corridors, just as dark as her classroom, though she raised no wand to illuminate her way. In the darkness, her tears could be cloaked. No one would see her weakness.

A dog. She'd never heard of a Patronus changing its form. And why, tonight of all nights, did she have to discover firsthand something she'd normally find so intriguing? She wondered if Remus would know anything about it.

"Professor?"

Eva immediately raised her wand. "Oh, Severus."

"You look afraid."

"You just startled me. That's all."

Snape lowered his wand, keeping the light away from their faces. Still, he could see her shaking shoulders, her blotchy eyes. "You shouldn't be wandering alone this late at night. It's unsafe."

"Neither should you."

"I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I."

The two professors stared at each other, their gazes wary, before lowering their wands and walking in step with each other. As always, it was an unspoken alliance, one admittedly weakened from the presence of Remus Lupin, but one formed in mutual respect.

Eva pulled her cardigan more tightly around her shoulders and rubbed her arms. It was much colder in the halls, and the lack of light did nothing to help. Severus glanced at her, something akin to pity in his eyes.

"The Headmaster told me that your students are performing unusually well this year."

She smiled faintly, knowing this was as close to a compliment as he could give. "Thank you."

Footsteps startled the pair. Eva's heart began to race and she pointed her wand into the darkness, waiting, waiting, waiting...

"Oh my goodness, Harry!"

The boy stood a few feet away from them, his green eyes wide and his hair untidy from sleep. He glanced back and forth between the two, conflicting emotions etched across his face.

Severus stepped forward and snarled, "Potter, what are you doing wandering the corridors at night?"

"I was... sleepwalking," Harry muttered lamely.

"How extraordinarily like your father you are. He too was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle-"

Eva desperately wanted to argue, but she could call to mind too many occasions that James Potter had indeed strutted through Hogwarts to feel like she had a defendable case.

"My dad didn't strut, and nor do I," Harry snapped, glaring at the potions master. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you lowered your wand."

Slowly, deliberately, angrily, Severus obliged. Eva tried to catch her godson's eye, but he wouldn't so much as spare her a glance. Her heart broke the tiniest bit.

"Turn out your pockets," he spat. Harry guilty pulled out a folded piece of parchment that caused Eva's eyes to widen to the size of the moon. It can't be. Judging by the look on his face, Severus recognized it, too. "What's this?"

Harry blushed and tried to shrug off-handedly. "Spare bit of parchment."

"Really? Open it." Severus jabbed his wand at the parchment like he was stabbing it with a knife. Eva held her breath as he murmured, "reveal your secrets."

The map obeyed, and ink began to form into words. A strange emotion rose up inside of Eva, part of her wanting to shove the parchment into a fire and another part desiring to examine every inch of it for the rest of the night.

"Read it."

Harry's eyes flitted down to the parchment as he began to read. "Mssrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs are proud to present the Marauders' Map." He drew a sharp breath.

"Go on," Severus growled.

"Mr. Moony offers his compliments to Professor Snape and requests that he keeps his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

Harry said this in such a matter-of-fact tone that it nearly caused Eva to burst out laughing, but Snape only muttered, "go on."

"Mr. Prongs concurs with Mr. Moony, and also requests that Professor Snape take a massive step away from Professor Taylor if he knows what's good for him."

Eva covered her mouth with her hands, torn between mirth and horror.

"Mr. Padfoot would like to further Mr. Prongs' sentiments by saying that if Professor Snape wants to live a long and happy life, he should start running now to get a head start. Also, Professor Snape smells like an overflowing trash can."

Sirius Orion Black.

"Mr. Wormtail would like to register his shock that an idiot like Professor Snape ever became a professor and advises him to wash his hair at first possible opportunity."

More words began to appear on the map, but Snape wasn't about to hear them. Fury flashed in his black eyes. "Why, you-"

"Professors!"

Remus stepped out of the shadows, his coffee-brown eyes tired as they flitted back and forth between the mismatched group, trying to analyze the situation. His gaze came to rest on the parchment in Harry's hand and his confusion cleared. Eva could tell he was trying to do some quick thinking.

"Lupin," Severus greeted harshly, loathing in his voice, "out for a little stroll in the moonlight, hm?"

Eva could have smacked him, but Remus only rolled his eyes. "Harry, are you all right?"

Harry nodded. For the first time that night, relief crossed his face. "Yeah."

"I have just found Potter to be possessing a very interesting artifact. Don't you think it's full of Dark Magic?" Snape sneered.

A peculiar look came over Remus as the map was handed to him. Eva thought he looked years younger for a few seconds. "No, I think it's a Zonko's product, charmed to insult anyone who reads it." He snatched it away from Snape as he tried to grab it again. "Nevertheless, I will examine it thoroughly. Harry, would you please come with me? And Professor Taylor, if you would?"

Eva nodded and quietly said, "goodnight," to Severus before following Remus down the corridors, Harry at their tail. Only when they reached his office and shut the door did Remus speak again.

"Harry, I haven't the faintest idea how you came across this map (and yes, we both know that it is a map), but I am frankly astounded that you did not turn it in!"

Harry, who must have thought he had been rescued, frowned. "What?"

"Did it never occur to you, then, that in the hands of Sirius Black, this becomes a map to you? You know, your father never really cared about the rules, but he and your mother gave their lives to save yours, and gambling their sacrifice to wander around the castle at night with a killer on the loose seems a pretty poor way to repay them!"

Eva had never seen Remus so angry with the boy. She hadn't heard him this angry in years. She heard his voice crack in several places as he mentioned Lily, James, and Sirius. It struck her that Remus genuinely hated Sirius Black with every bone in his body. It shouldn't have come as a shock, yet it did, because try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to agree.

"I won't be covering for you again, and I won't be giving this back. I want you to return to your dormitory and I want you to stay there, do you hear me?"

"Yes sir," Harry mumbled, ducking his head in shame. "I'm sorry. I just... I don't think that map works. Early today, I saw someone who I knew to be dead."

Eva tilted her head, confused. "Who was it?"

Harry answered, but he looked at Remus, not her. "Peter Pettigrew."

A wave of lightheadedness crashed over her and she leaned against a desk to steady herself. Remus just stared at the boy for a moment, then shook his head.

"That's impossible."

Once Harry was gone, Eva ran a hand through her curls and asked, "how on earth do you think he managed to get ahold of that? James lost the map years ago."

"I don't know." Remus closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Frankly, that's the least of my worries right now."

Eva ran a hand down her face. Would this night ever end? "The map's magic must be wearing thin. I mean, Harry seeing Peter..."

"Oh, yeah. Maybe that's it." Remus rubbed the back of his neck, his eyebrows creased in concentration as he stared at the map. An odd expression crossed his face. "You shouldn't be out wandering at night either, Eve. It's irresponsible."

"I couldn't sleep. I needed air." She wanted to ask Remus about her Patronus, but he seemed to have other matters on his mind.

"You should've opened a window."

Eva frowned, turning to face him. His tone was harsher than usual, especially towards her. "I'm sorry, are you angry with me?"

"I just think you need to be more careful. That's all. Mischief managed." He stowed the map in his pocket and began to walk up the steps leading to his office.

"Could I, um, borrow that map for a while?" Eva hated herself for even asking.

He paused before answering. "I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Because it'll just mess you up."

Eva blinked. "Excuse me?"

Remus, already halfway up the stairs, sighed and turned. "You miss him."

"And you don't?"

"I miss who he used to be. There's a massive difference."

"Meaning what?" Her voice shook. "Meaning what, Remus?"

"You're still in love with him! You pretend like you're not, like you don't care, but the fact that he's on the loose is tearing you apart. If I give you the map, you'll let the voices of four teenage idiots trick you into thinking that none of us changed. He's not who you think he is, okay? He killed them, Eva. Get that through your head so you don't get hurt!"

Eva couldn't believe it. After all of these years, it suddenly felt like he didn't understand her at all. Exhaustion plagued the both of them, the darkness luring them into saying things they normally withheld.

"Don't you know how hard this is for me? That my husband, my husband, is running free for the first time in twelve whole years and I can't see him? Worse, I can't want to see him! Rem, I lost the person who meant the world to me, and I can't even mourn for him!"

"He betrayed us, Eva. He betrayed you! Who's to say he wouldn't kill you or Harry if he had the chance?"

"Stop it!" Eva screamed through her tears. Her hands were trembling so violently that she could barely hold her wand. When she spoke again, her voice was barely a whisper. "I know he's mad, and I know he caused so much pain, but I also know he loved me. And Remus, too much of me is tied up in him to ever fully let him go."

Remus's eyes were cold. "Then you're blind."

Eva slammed his door on the way out. Only when she found an abandoned corridor did she stop, lean against the stone wall, and sink to the floor, sobbing weakly into her hands.

We're getting REALLY close...