★ | #73 | 7:03pm
"i'm not hungry."

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lights are on • tom rosenthal
"lights are on, but nobody's home."

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TO return home to glass all over the floor, shards scattered in a puddle of water. Haewon's eyes widened slightly.

The flowers. The flowers Lee Heeseung had gotten for her, the same ones she had sorted into a vase on the kitchen island, were now on the floor in a pile of glass from the vase and water.

The petals crumbled, squished as if stomped on. Haewon stood still as she stared at them blankly.

The only thing she had from him, that last thing she was given. The flowers she'd come home to everyday, greeted by the sight of them laid in a pile of ruin.

Crushed and destroyed, much like her heart that seemed would stop beating any moment.

Her mother came into view, a broom and a dustpan held in her hands as she sighed and paused at the sight of her daughter.

Things were tense, as disappointment was evident in her mothers gaze. Clearing her throat, the woman turned to the pile of crushed flowers and glass shards.

"Your father came home today, to pack up some of his things." The woman began, swallowing thickly. "Argued with him a little bit after. He got mad, threw the vase at the wall and crushed the flowers and stormed off." She explained.

Haewon listened quietly, holding onto the strap of her backpack that carried her things in them after work. She watched as her mother turned to face her, seemingly hesitant.

"Dinner will be done soon." The woman added, as Haewon stared blankly back at her.

"I'm not hungry."

Her mother nodded, turning her attention back to the mess she worked carefully to clean up. "Alright. I'll leave you a plate in the fridge for when you are."

Haewon didn't reply, turning on her heels as she walked away upstairs, making her way to her bedroom where she closed herself inside.

Her mother could sense something off about her. The distant look in her brown eyes was very noticeable. She seemed out of it, and it was obvious.

She was going to ask, but the girl had already left, closing herself into her room. Worried, the woman sighed, but she decided to leave her daughter be.

With the intention to check up on her later, if she didn't come downstairs sooner.

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7:03pm.

Seong Haewon wanted to cry, but she couldn't even do that. Her tears were long dried out, so she laid on her back.

The lights were out, the only thing brightening her bedroom being the moonlight that peaked through the cracks of her blinds, or the soft glow of the lamppost in the distance—set at the end of the street.

Things felt so strange. She felt lost, lost in a pit of emptiness, or a maze of her own running thoughts.

Never in her life could she imagine what such a low point would feel like, because she never would've guessed it to be her new reality.

Sure, things growing up throughout the years have been bad—exhausting, even. But she found comfort in people, or, rather a person.

Now that she was stripped way from that comfort, from her shelter, she was vulnerable. She knew it wasn't right to rely on somebody that much, and she never truly realized just how much she did until she was without him.

Lee Heeseung was her lifeline, and what was no secret to her anymore. Life without him felt like nothing, feeling as though she lived without purpose.

And to think he had given up on her felt like she had lost her mind. Much like a body living without its soul.

Seong Haewon had a plan. A plan to execute tonight. She was supposed to have followed through hours ago, but instead she lay still as she stared at her ceiling.

She lived through the lighting change as the sun went down, locked away in her bedroom. Her mother had expected her downstairs a little while ago for dinner, but she didn't feel like eating.

She wasn't hungry, or, that was what her mind tricked her into believing. No matter what, she couldn't eat.

She felt sick to her stomach at the mere thought of it right now, unable to keep anything down with the mass of nerves in the pit of her stomach.

Her fingertips drummed lightly against her stomach in a rhythmic pattern, as if to ground herself. It had been that way for hours—repeating the same motion over and over again mindlessly.

But, suddenly, her movements came to a stop. Atlas, giving into the numbing feeling. She listened to the quiet hum of the air conditioner, or the soft bristle of leaves swaying gently in the trees outside.

Haewon pulled herself up, her limbs weak and tingling from lack of energy. She took a deep breath, completely in a daze and blinded by her own depression to think logically.

Perhaps it was the lack of energy causing her to think rationally, affecting her ability to cope and be responsible. Or, just the fact she felt alone, convincing herself that this was the only way to freedom.

So, maybe, she clumsily reached for the small bottle on her desk—antidepressants. Knocking down a few things in the process, making a thud of two.

Maybe she stared at the bottle of pills in disdain, a grimace spread across her face. Her brows were furrowed, lips pulled into a frown.

In her heart she knew it wasn't right. In her heart, she didn't want to. But she wasn't following her heart, like she always did. She was following her mind.

Following what her brain told her would fix everything, believing in the seed of hate planted in her mind.

So, maybe, she popped the lid open, her vision in and out of focus. Maybe she dumped out more than she needed—way more—into the palm of her disturbingly still hand.

Had she processed just what she was about to do? Maybe not. Or, definitely not. Her mind was foggy and it seemed she was far from herself.

Her body had a mind of its own, as she tossed the bottle aside, as it rolled across the wooden floor.

Haewon pulled herself up onto her bed again, laying her back against the wall of pillows behind her. In the dark, she looked down at her filled hand.

Her heart skipped a beat, that should have been the first sign to stop. But, she only seemed to rebel of what her inner self so desperately called out for.

Bringing a few to her lips, grabbing a bottle of water and swallowing. Repeating the same thing until she physically could not any longer.

It only seemed to hit her after the damage was already done, as she let out a soft groan into the pit of darkness of her room.

One could only hope it was from the anxiety and fear of her realization, but her body trembled, heart racing as her mind spun. Her vision blurred, drowsiness overtaking anything as her mouth filled with saliva.

The shadows that are currently shrouding you may seem comforting, as if you are protected and hidden from the world. But that darkness eventually swallows you whole no matter how much you try to hide away from it.

And, even in her state of losing consciousness, her mind only drifted back to one thing during what she deemed the last time.

Lee Heeseung.

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★﹐authors corner ．﹗﹑ 1.2k words.
happy halloween!! sorry this chapter sucks ass omfg i'm so mad about it right now 😭

anyway, i'll keep this note short considering this is a double update. i love you so much, thank you for reading.

mwah mwah mwah, take care of yourselves 😚🤍
october 31st, 2024 — 1:00am.
not proofread.