Hello everyone! I know it's been long but well, I am sorry! So this chapter is shorter than others but I figured it's better to update shorter chapters more often than updating longer chapters seldom. I hope ya all enjoy! 

Recommended to listen to the song attached above while reading the chapter.

Do vote and comment, that is what pushes me to write every single chapter!

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You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them. You can try to pin me down with a hundred thousand arms, but I will find a way to resist. And there are many of us out there, more than you think. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to come to earth. People who love in a world without walls, people who love into hate, into refusal, against hope, and without fear.

I love you. Remember. They cannot take it.

~~~~~~~

Yudhishthira's pov

I sat, chin in hand, staring listlessly. I have ever since the fateful game seemed to myself broken off from mankind; a kind of solitary wanderer in the wilds of life, without any certain direction, or fixed point of view: a gloomy gazer on a world to which I have little relation.

I didn't know what was happening to me since I tried to help Draupadi- Her name rang in my ears as I recalled my last meet with her, one that ended with me having a complete meltdown and being dragged in that darkness. It scared me, more than anything else. It left me hopeless and shivering.

I took comfort in bhrata's lap until I realized I had no right to, I bet him away and he, was my elder brother. Under the sequoia trees, I didn't know how much time passed until I felt my brothers beside me. I stiffened in my place for the only defence I had was pretending nothing ever happened yesterday.

Arjun cleared his throat as I drifted back into focus, "What do you all want?" I asked proud my voice did not betray me. The exchange looks with each other as I looked down, of course they planned to come here with some agenda.

Nakul took my pale hand, "Jyesth, I know we have not been kind to you, we are sorry, yesterday seeing you-" I cut him off, "Get to the point Nakul." I said with more hostility than I anticipated, he looked hurt for a second as Bheem said, "We are sorry for what happened. For the darkness- " Karn suddenly looked at us all, "Darkness? What are you all talking about?"

I suddenly shut my eyes as my nails drew blood from my palm. I could feel the darkness creeping up on me. My hand instantly went to my head as my vision swirled from pain. I could feel my brother's fussing over me and asking with concerned voices, but it all faded into a distant cacophony.

I pulled my knees to my chest and tried to block out the horrifying images that accused me. Images of my father's pyre, of the dice hall, of varnavrat, everything down to the last detail. It scared me and I wanted to scream till my throat was raw, but my voice suddenly seemed to be on a vacation.

By the time I drifted out of it all I saw Karna looking pissed at my brothers who looked down guiltily. He knew. I got up and went from there, I couldn't do this right now. They called for me, but I didn't respond. My five brothers would never understand how it was to be enveloped by darkness, your own brain yelling profanities at you, begging to be out of it.

It all fell on me like the promises I never kept.

My feet carried me to a place where I didn't know as I collapsed. My body wrecked with sobs as I wiped my own tears. My eyes stung and my body shivered. At night-time, I went back to our hut Draupadi's face suddenly lit up but then withered seeing my upset face, she was the only one outside, my brothers were probably inside.

"Dharmraj Yudhishthira what's wrong?" Her voice was full of quiet urgency, her eyes frantically searching mine.

"I don't think that I'm okay."

She immediately dropped her gaze on the floor, squatting by my side. "Tell me what's wrong."

"| just told you."

"Tell me why you think so." Draupadi asked me.

"You won't understand." I weakly said.

"I won't? I was the one humiliated, called a servant, and disrobed. If anyone, I would understand." She said with a fire. Maybe it was true.

I'm not okay. And | will never be. She should leave while she still could.

"You should leave," | stated, quietly. "It'll be better that way."

"I'm not leaving Dharmraj. You mean so much more to me than you give yourself credit for. Please just tell me what's wrong so I can help you."

| know that I'm poison. But | selfishly wanted Panchali to stay. I didn't deserve her, the lady who was here beside me, consoling me, when she was humiliated. I could never describe her strength.

"Do you need me to get you something?" Panchali asked me, quietly.

A rewired brain, one that works the way it's supposed to.

"Not right now."

"Aarya you're shaking. Something is wrong." Hearing aarya flow from her mouth was sweeter than the sweetest nectar, and that's when I knew, I couldn't stop.

Me. I'm what's wrong.

"I know." I closed my eyes, letting my head rest back, saying only this.

"I wish you would just talk to me," Draupadi stated quietly, her thumb tracing along my hand.

"Trust me, you don't want me to."

"That's the only thing that I've ever wanted." | cracked an eye open to see her staring at me, a pensive expression on her face.

"I can't. I am not ready." I whispered. I watched all my bridges burn to the ground. I just let people down.

"You must, right now, go inside and tell your brothers' what's wrong. You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them. You can try to pin me down with a hundred thousand arms, but I will find a way to resist. And there are many of us out there, more than you think. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to come to earth. People who love in a world without walls, people who love into hate, into refusal, against hope, and without fear. You should not let what happened in Hastinapur break you, I don't." She said as she got up and went inside. 

The words 'I love you' were left unsaid, laying heavy on her tongue, she didn't know if she loved him after everything. Life is made of so many moments that mean nothing. Then one day, a single moment comes along to define every second that comes after. Such moments are tests of courage, of strength.

After some pondering, I fisted my hands and went inside. I didn't look at them and grabbed the pole behind me, for support. Their concerned faces was something I couldn't bear. "A luggage. Gambler." I started as they all looked at me, but my gaze was on the floor. They deserved to know.

"What?" Sahdev asked his voice weak.

I didn't answer. I just willed myself to continue.

"Good for nothing." I added as pain rippled through my chest.

"What are you talking about?" Bheem asked as I forced myself to continue.

"Failure." I said as Arjun shook his head frantically.

I bit my lip, the last one was the hardest. I need a minute to say the next one.

"Can't even attempt a suicide right." I whispered as tears pooled my eyes. My brothers looked stricken.

"That's it, the words that my mind whispers to me, dragging me under the darkness." I said before looking away. Every regret I ever had, summed up.

"Well then let me tell you that you aren't a burden," Bheem said, his eyes boring into mine. "Or baggage. And you aren't a failure." Arjun added softly. I nodded, a lump growing in my throat.

"You aren't good for nothing," Nakul continued, his voice growing thick.

"It was a mistake on our part that we pushed you to save Draupadi" Sahdev said softly, offering me a half-smile.

"We are sorry for behaving thus, apologies can't fix it. You are our brother. We can be rude to you, but we don't care what we've been through, what's been said, and we will always have your back. The only thing we are upset about is what happened with Draupadi. We don't never think those things about you, and you shouldn't either. You're strong. And you've been through a lot, and you're still standing here. So personally, we are glad that you can't attempt suicide right. Because we aren't ready to lose you." My four brothers said as I looked down.

"We all are royally screwed, aren't we?" Nakul said as I smiled lightly at his attempt to lighten the atmosphere which was choking with these heavy emotions.

"You all should leave me while you still got the chance." I said fumbling.

"After our speech? I don't think so!" Arjun laughed as I clutched my hands together tighter.

"Can someone tell me what is going on?" Bhrata Karn interrupted furrowing his eyebrows as I chuckled softly. It was amazing to see him so clueless in this conversation. He didn't need to know about Dwaraka. I just shook my head, but I did feel his enquiring gaze on me. He would find out soon.

Because sometimes I'm ready to die. But I want to live more.

And that's a constant battle that I'm fighting, and I can't do it alone. So, the only way I'm going to win is if I let my brothers and my wife fight with me.

~~~~~

Duryodhana stared at the baby who stared back, his wife had finally regained consciousness and he could see the baby.

"He is so tiny Devika, he has these miniaturized hands and these monkey like toes. Is he even human?" Duryodhana asked picking up the new-born.

"I am sure he is." Devika said softly leaning back on the bed.

"He is going to depend on us for everything! What do we do if we run out of diapers? We don't even have any to begin with!" Duryodhana said frantic. Dushasana came in and took the baby, "Jyesth, he looks just like you."

Vikarna chuckled at this, "You both haven't even had a baby shower yet!"

"Its not too late to have it now." Dhriti said with a stiff voice. It hurt to see her baby with someone else.

"Do you want to hold him general?" Duryodhana asked as Dhriti shook her head, if she did. She could never let go.

"Listen two of you, making a child is the easy part, raising him the harder one." Gandhari said as Devika flushed red.

Her mind wandered to her marriage to Duryodhana. She didn't want to, but a political deal had been made. She tried to run away but she had to return eventually, and her stepmother wasted no time in marrying her off. She had stayed in her room and cried for days until Duryodhana came to talk with her, he wasn't whom she loved but she had no choice and slowly she discovered, under those layers of rudeness, lay a heart, a heart of steel but a heart, nevertheless.

The next morning the boy was named Arobyn, a name that Devika and Dhriti couldn't stop chanting as if their life depended upon it. Years flew by, as Arobyn grew up slowly. He was close to Dhriti, the general and what astounded her the most was when Duryodhana didn't mind her, when Arobyn became 3, she asked him if when he was of age, could she take care of his education? That was maybe the only thing she could do, as if birth mother apart from breaking into sweat and clenching her fists everytime she saw her son with Devika and Duryodhana.

He just broke into a grin and agreed saying there could be no one better than Dhriti for it and his trust killed her within. No one could ever know.

One day, Dhriti sat with Shakuni and Duryodhana as they plotted and plotted about how to win the war. The faint crack in the paint on the wall was suddenly very interesting for her as she stared at it, it was bad enough being there, where they plotted to kill her family. But then, she steeled her heart, her son could only survive if Duryodhana won and that was her loyalty now.

She turned her cunning cold eyes to the plan. She'd been made differently, from something harder and stronger than bone and blood. She was always ruthless, designed to hurt the ones she loved, that was the curse.

She turned her attention to what shakuni was saying.

"Look, it's easy to outsmart an innocent." Shakuni said. "They're no smarter than anyone else. But true plotters live for hundreds of years and they're as cunning as snakes. They can't lie, but they love to engage in creative truth-telling. They'll find out whatever it is you want most in the world and give it to you—with a sting in the tail of the gift that will make you regret you ever wanted it in the first place."
Dhriti sighed. "They're not really about helping people. More about harm disguised as help."

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So, something I wanted to show in exile was Yudhishthira conquering his demons and that was mostly done in this chapter. The next chapter will skip a few years because I am not personally interested in writing about the demons they fought or the places they toured, there are ample books on it already. I wish to show two main things now, Jayadhratha coming (but there will be a slight variation) and Yaksha Prana before skipping through the exile. If there are any more scenes you wish to read, let me know. The next chapter, as far as I planned I mainly want to show Pandavas rebuilding their relation with Draupadi.

Did you all like this chapter?

What was the best part?

What was the worst part?

How was Yudhi-Drau talk and Yudhi confessing his inner feelings? 

I love how clueless Karn was.

What about Duryodhana-Devika? Dhriti?

This chapter was more of a filler and quite uneventful compared to last few but I think, the dust needs to settle down before I strike again with *ahem ahem*.I have the next twist all planned out.