Because of what happened, I decided to lie low. Kahit na mahirap dahil araw-araw kaming nagkikita sa resort at hindi pa nakakatulong na napapansin ko ang mga tingin niya sa akin.

Ayoko maging assuming at ayoko ring isipin na may gusto pa siya sa akin. Kasi hindi naman siguro gano'n. Maybe he just really wanted to know what my reasons were. Ngunit alam ko namang hindi ko naman iyon maibibigay sa kanya.

Aside from that, what happened that morning made me realize something.

Na nasasaktan pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. I still care. I still get hurt. Kasi nandito pa rin e...

Mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya. Sa katunayan, hindi naman talaga iyon nawala.

At dahil sa muntik na mangyari no'ng gabing iyon, pakiramdam ko ay napukaw sa akin ang isang pakiramdam.

Longing. I was longing for him... for his touch and affection.

Isang bagay na mali at hindi ko dapat na maramdaman. Kasi hindi naman ako nandito para mahulog at manira ng relasyon. Nandito ako dahil may kailangan akong makuha. Nandito ako para sa mga anak ko.

I don't want my feelings to hinder my real mission.

"Okay ka lang ba talaga? You look pale." Sorel asked as he sat beside me.

I sighed. "Oo. Okay lang ako, namimiss ko lang 'yong mga bata." Although I actually feel a little dizzy and weak, hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya iyon dahil baka mag-alala na naman siya.

Tumagal ang tingin niya sa akin pagkatapos nun at sa ilang taon naming pagsasama ay alam ko nang may gusto siyang itanong.

"Ano 'yon?" I asked and smiled.

He sighed. "Kung hindi mo sana mamasamain, 'yong lalaki bang kausap mo no'ng isang araw, siya ba ang ama ng kambal?"

I bit my lip and looked away, nakita niya pala iyon.

"Pwedeng siya, pwede ring hindi. Hindi ko pa alam, Sorel. Iyon nga sana ang gusto kong alamin."

His eyes suddenly glistened. "Kaya ba nandito ka dahil doon? You want to know the truth?"

Tumango ako.

He smiled. "Just tell me if you need help, baka makatulong ako."

That was tempting but it was something that I should do personally... hindi ang ibang tao. Lalo na si Sorel dahil ang dami-dami na niyang nagawa sa akin noon, ayoko namang abusuhin ang kabaitan niya lalo na sa isang bagay na makakaya ko namang gawin.

"Salamat, pero ako na ang bahala doon." Nakangiti kong sagot. "Keri ko 'to, huwag kang mag-alala." I chuckled.

We were already on the last day of the seminar when I decided to resume what I needed to do.

It was now or never.

At dahil last day na ay napagdesisyunan nalang ng team na magkaroon ng konting salo-salo at bonding. Ang iba naman ay nagdesisyon na mag swimming and Alistair seemed to be one of them, kasama rin niya si Isabella na mukhang ready ng lumangoy no'ng pumunta sila.

Agad akong lumapit sa kung nasaan sila, sakto naroon din si Cyrene kaya hindi naging kataka-taka ang paglapit ko.

Napakapit naman ako sa poste ng cottage nang biglang naramdaman ang pag-ikot ng paligid. Bigla akong nahilo.

"Hey, okay ka lang?" Cyrene asked when he saw me, agad naman akong tumango.

"Natisod lang."

He chuckled. "Ingat ka. By the way, wanna swim?"

I smiled. "Yep, pero mamaya na."

"Okay, basta enjoy ha." Pahabol pa niya bago umalis.

Agad naman akong umayos ng tayo pagkatapos. I held my head and took a series of deep breaths before walking again, palapit sa kanila.

"You should take your shirt off para makapaglangoy na tayo," dinig kong sabi ni Isabella kay Alistair.

"I'm not in the mood to swim today, hon." He answered before getting a cigarette from his pocket and litting it up. Agad namang nagningning ang mata ko nang makita iyon.

Another opportunity... and uh, it kind of reminded me of the past again.

"Really? Sayang naman! Ang ganda pa naman ng panahon ngayon." Isabella answered and proceeded to take off her cover ups, agad namang bumungad ang balingkinitan niya't makinis na makinis na katawan.

"Dali na, please... minsan lang naman tayo lumangoy e. See? Wala masyadong waves kaya wala na d'yan ang hate mo!"

My brows furrowed. He hate waves? Kailan pa? Eh 'diba gustong-gusto niya iyon? He loves surfing nga?

"Okay, fine. Wait." He muttered after few seconds habang natatawang tumingin sa kasintahan.

Damn, they looked so sweet and perfect.

And I feel guilty again for kissing him that night. I already acknowledge that I am also at fault dahil ako ang pumasok sa kwartong iyon, sadya man o hindi. At ako rin ang unang humalik kahit na ang akala ko ay panaginip lang.

I sighed and looked away when they started walking to the shore. Nang makalayo na sila ay sinulit ko naman ang pagkakataon para pulutin ang sigarilyong hawak niya kanina at pasimple iyong inilagay sa tote bag na dala.

Mabilis naman akong naglakad palayo pagkatapos ngunit laking gulat ko naman nang bigla akong harangin ng mga kasamahan namin at kinarga, which made the tote bag fall to the ground.

"Hey! Hey! Baba niyo ako!" I yelled but they just laughed at me.

"Ikaw nalang ang hindi nababasa, Miss Ayn! Unfair!" They laughed before throwing me to the sea.

My body immediately reacted to the coldness of water. Balak ko sanang bumalik agad sa dalampasigan ngunit nahiya naman ako dahil baka masabihang ang KJ ko naman.

I decided to swim for few minutes kahit bilang pakisama nalang but I didn't expect na mawiwili ako at malalayo nang hindi ko namamalayan.

Nang marealize kong medyo malayo na ako ay agad akong lumangoy pabalik ngunit hindi pa malayo ang nalalangoy ko ay nakaramdam ako ng pagkahilo at panghihina ng katawan.

I also felt my knees kind of weakening. Afraid that I might get cramps, I panicked a bit kaya bahagya akong nawalan ng balanse which ruined my floating.

Napasukan ng tubig dagat ang ilong at bibig ko which made me cough.

Nagulat naman ako nang biglang may naramdamang malakas na braso palibot sa katawan ko.

"Damn, are you okay?" Asked by a stern voice and when I turned my back, I was immediately greeted by Alistair's intense and worried gaze.

"Alistair!" Gulat kong sabi at tinangkang itulak siya but his grip was so tight.

"I'm not drowning! Okay lang ako—." I stopped what I was about to say and my eyes widened when I saw something on his chest.

A tattoo.

A spear tattoo.

"You aren't! Hindi ako bulag, Gertrude." He answered but my gaze was still fixated on the tattoo he has on his chest.

I felt a clenching sensation in my chest.

I know it might be just a coincidence but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but assume that maybe...

Maybe I was still etched in his life like the tattoo that he has.

Spear. My name Gertrude means strong spear.

My tears fell but I guess he didn't see it. Panalangin ko na hindi because he's not meant to see it.

He should not know what I am thinking. He should not have any connection to me again.

Kasi ikakasal na siya. He already has a woman whom he deserves. A woman who'll not hurt him like I do. A woman who will love him truthfully.

And I should already stop hoping even just for a little. Kasi katulad noon... hindi pa rin ako ang para sa kanya.

If he indeed is the father of the twins, then I'll be thankful. Because they have a great man as their father. I will let my children know about him.

But we won't come back in his life. Siguro maiintindihan din 'yon ng mga anak ko.

I will make them understand. I will do my best.

Tinulak ko siya ng malakas at agad na umalis mula sa harap niya. Mabilis akong lumangoy pabalik at agad na pinulot ang nalaglag na tote bag sa buhanginan.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag no'ng makitang naroon pa rin naman ang yosi na kinuha ko.

I sighed.

I guess this is it.

It's finally time to stop and step out of his world again... total nakuha ko na rin naman ang gusto ko.

I've finally acquired a DNA sample from him.