"Can you go first?" he asks, his vulnerable tone pricking me in the heart.

"Yeah," I agree reluctantly, looking down at my lap.

He waits patiently as the silence thickens between us. Once it reaches the unpleasant consistency of cottage cheese, I open my mouth to speak.

"I'm... nervous to start with gaining the weight and lessening the workload like you want me to. Even though I know I'm not healthy and I want to be healthy again, I'm just... I just... don't want to become pathetic again. I've been really proud of what I've accomplished with my grades and everything. I feel like... like it's just going to go to waste if I return to how I was before. I don't want to be unhappy again."

I make sure to leave out the kiss we shared and the instability wreaking havoc on my emotions.

I take a breath and keep my gaze cast downward, starting to regret saying anything as Slater doesn't reply.

"Quorra," he addresses, and for a second, the heavy weight in my chest is lifted simply by my name leaving his full lips, "You can be just as academically successful as you are now at a healthier weight. It just takes time, motivation, and control. You don't have to be scared."

The car rumbles under my feet as I let a lock of hair fall to form a barrier between us. I don't know what to reply. Why does he have to be so freaking sweet?

"Your turn," I push, biting my tongue to stop my alter ego spilling the beans of what else is looming over the back - okay, the front - of my mind.

"I can tell you're hiding something else but I won't coerce you into confession. As for me... I'll tell you some more about Addy."

I can't help the sad smile that shapes my lips at his affectionate nickname for his sister. He must have really loved her, and still does.

His Adam's apple moves as he swallows and prepares to tell me.

"We were the only two children in the family and inseparable as soon as I was born. She was two years older than me and it irked me to no end. I always wanted to be the elder sibling and often complained to her, but she always laughed, shook her head, and told me that eventually I'd be taller and look older than her anyway."

A nostalgic look glazes over his eyes. His story pauses as we arrive at a traffic light and he wipes his palms against his trousers with a sigh. Guilt clouds my mind as I realise that I reopened a scar that wasn't healed yet.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to continue," I comfort, raising a hand to place it on his shoulder.

He tenses up at my touch and gently uses his other hand to place my arm back in my lap, "It's alright."

The traffic lights switch to an emerald green and the car starts moving again. I numbly look at the hand he moved and try to brush it off as he continues.

"Even as Addy and I grew older, we remained very close. Her suicide really threw our family off balance, me especially. There was no warning or indication that she was unhappy at all. Maybe that's just because I was a naive preteen who didn't know his addition from his subtraction, but she still felt like the same Addy to me - always equipped with her unbreakable smile."

(A/N TORI KELLY REFERENCE ANYONE?! Tori Kelly rant:
Ugh she's literally such a perfect human being. She is drop-dead gorgeous, her hair is beautiful, her personality is dorky, her little nerdy laugh is adorable, and she could not have a more flawless voice and musical skill with her instruments. She slays my existence and I just wish I grew up being her friend, because firstly she is just an incredible person that I wish I could get to know, and second, now she's gaining popularity, idek if I'll ever meet her. THIS IS SO DEPRESSING, SORRY I just have the biggest girl crush on her and she makes me question my sexuality, okay keep reading)

I fiddle with my fingers, absorbed in the story. Why would he describe himself as a naive preteen? From what I've presumed, he was born with natural intelligence and a knack for all things nerdy. Maybe I've been quick to judge...

Slater darts his tongue out to run over his lips, running a distracted hand through his hair as he often does. My eyes are drawn to his lips and instantly, I'm reminded of our kiss.

I mentally slap myself and refocus on his childhood story.

"After she died, my parents changed. They-"

"Okay, Slater, you really don't have to talk about-" I insist, the guilt entrapping me as I almost beg him to end him own suffering.

"Quorra. Do you want to know or not?" he asks, as if drained of energy.

I can't deny that I want to know, so I stay silent, bathing in my remorse.

"They were cold. I was treated like a stranger and told to brush up my act. Before Addilyn died, I wasn't exactly a teacher's pet. I was no delinquent, but I was simply average and that wasn't enough for my parents. Addilyn used to want to be a teacher, and my parents fully supported her in it because most of our relatives, my dad included, were successful teachers or well-paid tutors of some kind. I, on the other hand, wanted to become a doctor. They supported me too, just happy that one of us was carrying on the family tradition. After Addy passed away, I became their only child, and with no-one left to pursue teaching, they forced me into it. I appeased them, as you can see."

By the end of his story, my heart is aching in my chest. I want to crawl into the corner and cry for him.

"Slater," I manage to say through a wobbly voice, "Is that why you are how you are?"

He doesn't reply for a long moment, contemplating his answer as he usually does. He turns the car onto a new road and I start to recognise the buildings around us. We're close to the university now.

"My... transformation wasn't just the handiwork of my parents. I also worked to change myself. I wanted to make Addy proud, even if it meant I was suffering," he admits, his eyes heavy with emotion.

My heart breaks at his next sentence.

"I've never regretted anything more in my entire life."

Tears prick the back of my eyes as I look at him, not knowing how to react. I avoid his gaze and turn towards the window to scrub away a stray tear that trickles down my left cheek.

"I... didn't mean to upset you," Slater murmurs quietly.

I laugh. I actually laugh.

"You can't tell me a story like that and expect me to be fine. Your life sounds like it belongs in a novel," I say, trying to lighten the atmosphere as I blink away the remaining tears.

When I dare to meet his gaze, the smallest of smiles is settling on his lips.

The car stops in the parking lot of the university five minutes later. The engine cuts out as Slater removes the key and I unbuckle my seatbelt, reaching for the door.

Just before I step out, a warm hand encases my wrist.

I turn to Slater with a questioning look.

"Can we talk about yesterday?" he asks carefully, eyes searching mine for a reaction.

Yester- oh. That.

I look away in humiliation and attempt to sway the conversation a different direction, "You know, I think we've had enough deep conversations for today. I'm already tired."

"I'll make it quick," he promises.

Meeting his gaze, I instantly give in to the opaque determination in them and bring my leg back into the car, shutting the door.

I sigh, waiting for more rejection.

And boy, do I get it.

With a breath, he inhales the rest of my hopes and dreams, "It's best if nothing like that happens again. You could get expelled and I could get fired, so things would not end well. I know you think that you... feel something for me, but I assure you, that won't last for long. Please don't blame yourself or feel shy about it, I suppose that the likelihood of us becoming involved was very high ever since you moved in. I should have seen that from the start. I apologise."

Is he... apologising for me kissing him? What has this world come to?

"You know, why don't you try disobeying the rules for once, Slater?" I ask rhetorically, though not angrily.

Not giving him a chance to answer, I open the car door and leave.

ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ

Being alone with your thoughts is often more dangerous than being with other people. When you're alone, there's no-one to talk to, there's no-one to distract you, and there's no-one to ask you if you're okay so that you can lie and say you are. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you already know you're barely holding yourself together at the seams.

You're forced to sit and listen to whatever your mind wants to discuss. You end up overthinking and jumping to conclusions. You thoroughly convince yourself of events that are furthest from the most probable outcome, but appear to be the most logical in your psychotic state.

That's me right now.

"Ugh," I exhale into the empty room, dragging my hands down my face.

The bed and pillow below me do little to comfort me as I carelessly pull my phone out of my pocket and search for a distraction. I scroll through my contacts and look for someone to call.

Mum

No.

Dad

No.

Lara

Too busy with her wedding.

Cameron

I don't think my fifteen year old brother will be very interested in my troubled love life and university struggles.

Jayse

See above. My twelve year old brother will be even less intrigued by the rollercoaster that is my life.

Grant Lincoln

Haha. Ha. Ha.

Hannah Klein

Currently upset with me. I need to figure out a way to reconcile our friendship, but I don't think the best way to revive it is with me complaining about my life.

Lucas Fallow

I forgot that he gave me his number yesterday after dinner.

Without thinking, my finger is pressing the 'call' button.

I press the phone against my ear and wait, every ring causing more panic to rise in my chest as I don't even know how to start the conversation. "Hey, my life is kind of shit right now, how's yours?" doesn't sound very captivating.

Lucas picks up within three rings.

"Hey, Q," he greets, voice slightly delayed from interference.

It's as if I can hear his contagious smile through the phone.

"Hey, Lucas. How are you?" I ask, feeling at ease around his friendly personality.

I hear him laugh on the other end, "Do you expect me to believe that you called me to ask how I am? Let's get to the juicy gossip, Neversea."

Sighing my eyes at his bluntless, I roll onto my side and slide my hand under my pillow, pressing the phone against my other ear.

"Is it Slater related? If it is, it will be ten times more interesting for me," he prods me for a response.

I reluctantly give him the answer, "Yeah. You can't tell him though. If you do, I'll castrate you, I swear to fucking god, Lucas."

He starts laughing all over again, "Neversea, I won't tell a soul. Your secrets are safe with me. Now, feel free to confess your undying love and R-rated lust for my best friend. Trust me it's mutual."

My cheeks burn at his words.

"You're blushing, aren't you?" he asks, amused.

"Shut up," I mutter, "And I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"If you don't tell me what's happened, then I'll give you an extremely detailed account of what me and my girlfriend did in bed last night. It was our one year anniversary, just saying..." he says seriously.

I pull the phone away from my ear for a moment, disgusted, "You are absolutely repulsive, Lucas."

"So I got done with work and headed back to my apartment, where she was already standing, nak-"

"OKAY OKAY OKAY, I'll tell you!" I interrupt loudly, cringing already at the start of his story, "We... we kissed yesterday."

Lucas gasps dramatically, and I picture him convering his mouth in shock. I glare at him through the phone.

"What's the big deal? You like him, he likes you, it was inevitable," he shrugs it off as if it was nothing.

I scowl into the phone, hoping he can hear it through my tone, "The big deal is that he definitely doesn't like me and rejected me right after we kissed. And then he made it even worse today."

Lucas goes quiet for a while. I dwell in the silence, my frustration radiating from me as I cover my face with my free hand.

"Do I need to kick his ass for you? I'll do it, Q. What did he say today?"

"He said that we can't ever kiss or so anything like that again because otherwise he'll get fired and I'll get expelled. This is ridiculous, Lucas. I shouldn't have kissed him in the first place. I should've known after the first time that he didn't like-"

"You've kissed him before yesterday?! Q, what on earth? This is news - Slater never told me," he bursts out, intercepting me.

"It was nothing, I just wanted to piss my parents off so I pretended to make out with him. It lasted like half a sec-"

"QUORRA NEVERSEA! Trust me, he likes the socks off of you. He's just really weird and alien-like, so he doesn't realise it himself yet. I know my bestfriend better than he knows himself, and I know for a fact that he cares about you."

I frown.

"I'm starting to sympathise with how annoyed Slater gets when I interrupt him," I mutter, appreciating his reassurance nonetheless.

"My girlfriend's calling me. Is post-anniversary sex a thing? I hope it is. Catch you later, Neversea. Call me if anything else happens between you two, or if Slater is still being a stubborn-ass bitch, yeah?"

I sigh, "Okay. Thanks, Lucas."

I end the call, mood only slightly improved as I drop my phone back onto the bed and stuff my face into my pillow.

I never thought I'd be the type of girl to be frustrated over boy problems, but here I am.

Quick, someone notify thirteen year old me.

Sigh.