July 19, 1982

AMARA STRUGGLED WITH THE ZIPPER of her suitcase, the task of closing it nearly impossible by how haphazardly she'd thrown everything in. The room she'd lived in for the first fourteen years of her life was completely empty, save for the other two suitcases that stood by her doorway. The walls that had once been plastered with calendars and math and science tests she'd done exceptionally on were barren, her furniture unassembled and packed into the moving truck standing in the driveway, every crevice of her closet checked over to ensure she didn't leave anything behind.

        Her family was leaving Ohio today. And though her parents insisted it was because Scott would have better luck finding a good-paying job in Indiana amid the energy crisis, Amara knew deep down the move was really due to her failure to get accepted into a single high school in Cleveland.

        "Hey, we're hoping to leave within the next half hour!" Eurydice called from across the hallway as she carried two bags to the top of the stairs, sliding them down to the bottom where Kevin stood ready to catch them and bring them out to the truck. "Need any help over there?"

        "I'm okay, thanks!" Amara responded through gritted teeth, still attempting to zip up her last suitcase.

        Eurydice disregarded this, for she was familiar with Amara's tendencies to avoid asking for help, whether she was grappling with a challenging English assignment or trouble packing her bags in this case. Like most people, she opted to read between the lines in order to understand how her daughter was feeling. It annoyed Amara to no end: she could mean it when she said she felt fine and Eurydice would still act as though Amara's body language indicated her emotions even if it contradicted her words.

        "Here, let me help," Eurydice offered upon approaching the doorway to Amara's bedroom, smiling sympathetically.

        "I'm fine, Mom. I can handle it," Amara huffed. As if to prove her point she rested her body weight on top of the bag and succeeded in jamming it shut. Shifting it upright, she pushed it to the side where it collided with her other suitcases. "See? I got it."

        Eurydice's facial expression morphed into dismay as she acknowledged the growing rift between herself and Amara. Amara had once turned to her for support with everything; standardized tests, insecure hecklers, indifferent teachers, bruises on her knee, and everything in between. It was natural for the bond between a mother and her daughter to fracture when the latter reached teenhood, a tug-of-war between the mother's overprotective instincts and the daughter's desire for independence, but Amara's autism further complicated matters. It only amplified Eurydice's protectiveness over her daughter and made Amara long for freedom from her mother, but only so she could lose herself in the pages of Timescape and gaze up at the stars decorating her ceiling while Fleetwood Mac echoed in the background, rather than go to the mall and parties with friends she didn't have.

        "You're going to be okay," Eurydice told Amara as they wheeled the suitcases down the hallway. "Hawkins is going to be a fresh start. A new opportunity to make friends."

        "If Hawkins is anything like Cleveland, it'll be exactly the same," Amara grumbled, carefully lugging her bag down the stairs she was climbing down for the final time in her life. "Same old school with cliques and assholes that bully anyone remotely different, same teachers who don't give a damn about any wrongdoing, same neighbors who are immediately going to notice something's wrong with me and recommend I be shipped off to an asylum before I disturb their sense of normality. It won't be any different there."

        "You don't know that – "

        "But I do!" Amara interrupted, tears springing to her eyes. "All my life I've been told that I ended up like this because you didn't raise me right or that it's only a matter of time before I kill someone or that I'm incapable of feeling anything. And it's so hard to tune it out when everyone is saying it. Hell, we're literally moving because of me!"

        "Honey, I told you, we're moving because Dad needs to find a job – "

        "Why Indiana then?" Amara challenged, raising her arms in exasperation. "Dad could easily find a job somewhere in Ohio and Kevin could do the same with college but hey, I guess it's easier to clear my record of expulsions in another state!"

        As they waited outside, Scott and Kevin tried their best to ignore the exchange between Eurydice and Amara. It was commonplace for Amara's mood to shift within a short period of time, especially when she had kept her feelings about the move bottled up for months. She was releasing it all at once now, taking her self-loathing out on Eurydice.

        "Do you actually want to stay here?" Eurydice asked, doing her best to keep her voice steady rather than further escalate the situation. "I never got the impression you liked it that much here."

        Amara felt all traces of anger leave her body and she hung her head. "I don't like it here," she admitted quietly. "But I don't think Hawkins will be any better."

        "It will be," Eurydice insisted, placing one of her hands on Amara's shoulder. "You have grown so much over the last few years. I didn't even think you'd be able to speak, and here you are yelling at me. You know yourself more, and you know what's right and what isn't. You know your strengths and weaknesses. Think of Hawkins as a fresh start for you."

        Eurydice would later come to regret those words. Amara had a tendency to view the world in black and white, so of course she would view a "fresh start" as avoiding social interactions with just about everyone and masking her defect by feigning being a loner. No one could know that she had autism if they weren't even aware of her existence. In that sense, Amara was doing everyone a favor and upholding Hawkins' status as a quiet, humble town, unaware that one of its residents had a diagnosis they believed to be a result of the polio vaccine.

        Hawkins was no less of a shithole than Cleveland, but Amara found comfort in the notion that no one could ridicule her like her peers always had in the past. Hawkins became even more tolerable after she befriended Robin Buckley, the only person to see through her façade because she too was hiding a secret that if discovered would cement her status as the town outcast. But it was the discovery of another realm beneath Hawkins that had made Amara feel more in a single week than she had in her entire life even if it seemed so wrong, because for the first time no one had questioned her quirkiness. And that was all she had ever wanted.

October 30, 1984, Present Day

AUTUMN HAD ENVELOPED HAWKINS ONCE AGAIN, a myriad of red and gold leaves and turbulent winds and overcast skies. Summer tans were fading, sweaters were being adorned, and Halloween was providing an excuse for the students of Hawkins High to get wasted and abandon their responsibilities for one night.

        It had been nearly a year since Amara had thrown herself into a world of bloodstained walls and otherworldly monsters and gunpowder, and it had been nearly a year since her life had mainly reverted back to normal. She was once again adhering to her routine of completing her homework with Robin after school, (chemistry and geometry were replaced by physics and trigonometry, still coming easier to Amara than the poetry they were currently studying in English) eating dinner with her family at 7:30 every weeknight, avoiding school events and blending into the crowd so as to hide her autism.

        A few things had changed; for one, Amara had mastered the ability to drive in spite of the anxiety that threatened to overwhelm her the first few weeks she took hold of the steering wheel and had been gifted a secondhand black Honda for her seventeenth birthday on the 19th of September. Her bike now sat in a corner of the garage, gathering dust. She would sometimes eat lunch with Nancy and Jonathan when Robin had extra band practice, even though the two of them shared the trauma of being affected by the supernatural events of last year in ways Amara would never understand. She even smiled at Steve in the hallways when they happened to pass by each other, now that he was less of a dickhead and his popularity had declined as a result.

        But for the most part, it was as if nothing strange had ever happened in the quiet town of Hawkins, Indiana.

        On the day before Halloween, Robin and Amara journeyed through the hallway cradling their textbooks in their arms. Their trigonometry class had just ended, and while Amara understood how to calculate the side angles of right triangles more than she would ever comprehend those stupid love poems they were reading in English, Robin was left as dumbfounded as ever.

        "I seriously did not understand anything that came out of Mr. Mundy's mouth," Robin declared as they reached their lockers, exchanging their trigonometry books for their history ones. They were learning American History for what felt like the millionth time, to the point where Amara could recite every date and historical figure without missing a beat.

        "If it helps, I can't understand those sappy poems we're reading in English," Amara replied, scrunching her nose in disgust as she recalled the poem they'd read yesterday. "If poets just said 'I love you' instead of 'my heart is like a hurricane' I could actually pass English."

        "Hey, you got a B on that assessment last week," Robin pointed out, smiling reassuringly at her best friend. "There's always hope, y'know?"

        "Yeah but I studied like hell for that thing," Amara reminded Robin, nearly knocking into a student carrying a stack of papers in his hands, most likely executing a delivery for a teacher. "I literally got an A-minus on my physics homework because I had to complete it at the last minute."

        "And yet you still did better than me," Robin responded as they rounded the corner and approached the classroom where they were due in two minutes. "I think you're the only person here who actually likes physics, 'Mara."

        "Physics isn't that bad!"

        Robin had no chance to retort as their history teacher beckoned everyone in, and the lesson began shortly thereafter. History wasn't one of Amara's best subjects, but she was able to memorize most of the important dates even if she had difficulty understanding the analytical aspect of it. Amara was slightly fatigued from a day of English, double physics, and trigonometry, but in today's class they were discussing the stock market, a concept she was fairly familiar with.

        An hour later the bell rang for the final time that day, but Amara wasn't in a hurry to leave. Because Robin only lived twenty-two houses down from her, Amara insisted on driving her to and from school, especially since they did their homework together after school. But Robin was in the midst of preparing for a concert in November, requiring her to sacrifice lunch and an hour after school to perfect her technique, meaning Amara had to wait for her.

        Amara flinched as her vision was obstructed by someone flinging an orange flyer in her face. Pushing it away so she could actually read it, she was met with a laughing Nancy and an amused Jonathan by her side. The flyer read, TINA'S HALLOWEEN BASH. Come and Get Sheet Faced, which was not what Amara had in mind for Halloween.

        "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm going," Amara responded carefully. Thrilled though she was to have friends, the idea of a party full of drunk teenagers with wandering hands terrified her to the core.

        "Come on, it'll be fun!" Nancy insisted, following Amara as she traipsed to her locker, Jonathan trailing behind them. "What else were you planning on doing tomorrow night?"

        "Watching horror movies with Robin," Amara replied easily. It was what they had done the previous Halloween, and she was perfectly content repeating it.

        "Yeah, but then you'll go home and read Dune or something while listening to Eurythmics," Nancy pointed out. "You can do that any night, but this is the biggest party of the year."

        "Don't take it personally," Jonathan piped up, jogging to keep pace with the two girls. "She pressured me to go as well."

        "I'm not really a party person, Nancy," Amara told Nancy as she fished her backpack out of her locker and slung it over her shoulders before closing the door, making it clear the conversation was over.

        Nancy wasn't ready to give up yet. "Jonathan isn't either, and I got him to consider it. Just think about it, okay?"

        Amara meant it when she said she wasn't interested in parties. Not only were they too rowdy for her liking, but they weren't any fun without the company of friends. But she had friends now, and one of them was insisting that she at least consider stepping outside her comfort zone for one night. There was something in Nancy's eyes that was pleading for Amara to join her in the hope that she wouldn't feel as lonely, an emotion the latter often grappled with.

        "Okay," she answered before departing the building.

AMARA NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY HIGH SCHOOL was so romanticized. She supposed it had more to do with what occurred outside of school – football games and booze and first times beneath a starry sky, all moments students would recall for millennia. Sure, Amara liked some parts of school; Robin, trigonometry, physics, study hall, Nancy and Jonathan, but she doubted her high school experience would be included in her core memories if she didn't enjoy the occasions that adults brought up when explaining why those years had been the best of their life.

        Going to Tina's Halloween party wasn't how she wished to spend the evening.

        Halloween had always been one of Amara's favorite holidays. In Cleveland, she'd carve two holes in a sheet and throw it over her head and suddenly she was no longer the neighborhood weirdo. By the time she moved to Hawkins she considered herself to be too old for trick-or-treating, so she had bought herself a bag of candy and watched scary movies with Kevin in the year of '82. The following year, right before Will's disappearance, she had done the same with Robin and had been intending on doing it again, at least until Nancy implored her to go to the party.

        She'd only go if Robin agreed to join her.

        "I mean, I was looking forward to watching horror movies again," Robin muttered, looking over the invitation as Amara drove through downtown Hawkins. "On the other hand, there might be some hot girls there."

        "Hot straight girls," Amara corrected, immediately regretting the words as they spilled from her mouth. "Sorry, was I being insensitive again?"

        "It's fine, you just told me what I already know," Robin said glumly, staring out the passenger window. "But maybe it would be nice to pretend to be normal teenagers for a night. Perhaps you'd meet someone?"

        "Like who?" Amara questioned, almost facing Robin before remembering that she needed to keep her eyes on the road. "Guys want girls who wear miniskirts and have posters of Arnold Schwarzenegger in their room and show up to their stupid sports games, not girls who read science fiction and barely care about their appearance and actually like math and oh – have autism!"

        "And most girls want a guy!" Robin pointed out. "Forget what I said. We'll both be lucky if we can get anyone to even glance in our direction, let alone be interested in us. That's why we stick together."

        "So do you want to go to this party?"

        "Maybe for like an hour," was Robin's response. "Then we could go back to my place afterward."

        Amara smiled. "Sounds like a plan. Wait, don't we need costumes?"

        "All the best costumes are bound to be sold out by now," Robin theorized, and Amara's eyes widened as she came to the same conclusion. "We're going to have to improvise."

        "Improvising" meant avoiding the temporary Halloween store altogether and driving to the nearest clothing store. The interior was mostly empty as a majority of townspeople were either still working or completing their homework, which spared Robin and Amara the threat of having to compete with others for the same outfit.

        "So, do you have any idea what you wanna wear tomorrow?" Robin queried.

        "I don't really see any costumes here," Amara replied, still lost.

        "When you dressed up as a ghost, you never bought a ghost costume, right?" Robin elaborated, leading Amara to a rack of dresses. "There's no point in buying a costume if you're only going to wear it once; it's just a waste of money. For example, if I were to dress up as a witch, I'd just buy a hat and wear a black outfit that I'd wear any other day. Not exactly the best costume, but who's gonna judge?"

        "So if I were to go as Princess Leia," Amara mused, scrutinizing the available white dresses in particular, "I could just wear a white dress and put my hair in space buns?"

        "Everyone would know exactly who you are," Robin finished, beaming. "You even have the right hair color for it."

        They spent the next half hour searching for outfits while taking into account the fact that it would be chilly outside yet sweltering inside Tina's house the following evening. Robin had never been the most feminine, choosing to wear clothes she felt comfortable in as opposed to ones that would make her appealing to members of the sex she had no interest in, so she chose a glittery black top that would go with one of her many pairs of jeans. Amara knew she wanted to wear a dress, but most of them were far too bold for her liking. She also didn't fancy the idea of buying new shoes just to match.

        "What about this one?" Robin inquired, having joined Amara to assist her. The dress had cap sleeves and a more plunging neckline than she would have preferred, stopping at her kneecap. It was the least revealing white dress she had seen so far, and it was her size.

        "I'll get it," Amara declared. "But what should I do about shoes?"

        "I know you don't like heels and I can't blame you, but I don't recall you owning any white shoes," Robin answered as they glanced at the shoe aisle, where Amara knew every option would be more expensive than her dress.

        "White shoes are the worst," Amara reasoned. "They get dirty so easily."

        "I got it!" Robin exclaimed, resulting in the cashier glancing in their direction in perplexity. "I have washable markers, so we can just color your shoes white for tomorrow!"

        "That's perfect!" Amara cried, tackling Robin in a hug.

        They paid for their purchases and returned to the car, where Amara promptly turned the key into the ignition and headed to Robin's house. She was almost giddy with excitement, wondering if this was how it felt to be a normal teenager. One who actually enjoyed shopping and parties and dancing with strangers she would later forget under the silhouette of moonlight, the moments people visualized when reminiscing their teenage years.

        But the truth was that Amara's anticipation had less to do with shopping for a party like a normal person and more with trying something new with a friend she adored beyond words. It wasn't normalcy she craved, it was human connection. Robin was the only person outside of Amara's family who truly saw Amara and loved her every quirk and flaw, and that was what she needed: for people not to admire her for a mask she created, but for who she really was.

published to quotev: 7/6/22
published to wattpad: 7/12/24

AUTHOR'S NOTE

season 2 is here!! i am buzzing with excitement to write the next part of amara's story. i will be including more descriptions of her treatment growing up, which i have thankfully never experienced since the world is now more accepting of people on the spectrum. also, cue her friendship with steve (and dustin)! i knew from the start that i wanted amara to be involved with the scoops troop in season 3 so i figured that it would make the most sense for her to be involved in the junkyard fight (and it would be weird if she was third-wheeling with nancy and jonathan).

until the next update,

lydia