Chapter 33 - Tomlinson

I stay standing there for I don’t know how long, just staring blankly at the place from which she disappeared.

Don’t touch me!

You’re just like the others.

I hear her words. The words I never believed she was going to tell me and I don’t even know when everything went wrong. How we ended up like this. And I can’t even blame it all on her because she didn’t overreact. I did make a mistake this time. It’s not what she thinks but at the same time it is. I didn’t stop Clary. I didn’t defend Robin when Clary said she was a bitch. I didn’t tell Clary to back off. I can’t defend myself against that.

Why? Why didn’t I push Clary away before? Why did I let her do that? I know I would’ve gone crazy if I had seen another guy all over Robin. I would’ve just lost it. And why wouldn’t she be mad at me if I did exactly what she was afraid of?

I acted like a real idiot.

“Lou?” another voice asks and only then I come back to reality. I turn around and I find Clary, smiling at me.

“What?” I snap and she stops, losing her smile but she recovers soon.

“Don’t worry, love. You got rid of her. What a bitch, yelling at you like that when you’ve had a rough day?”

“Don’t call her that,” I cut her off and she blinks. “Don’t ever call Robin a bitch. You have no right and I won’t let you call her anything.”

I’m furious. This time, when it makes no difference I stand up for Robin? What about fifteen minutes ago? Why couldn’t I do this fifteen minutes ago?

“Lou, she left. You don’t owe her anything. You two are not together. Come with me,” she reaches out to grab my hand but I step back. “Babe, come on, I’ll make you forget all about her.”

“Go away, Clary. I don’t want you, I don’t have the slightest interest in you. Now please, leave me alone!” I shout at the end and she steps back, confused.

I know it’s rude what I’m doing, that no woman deserves to be yelled at but I can’t control it. If she hadn’t come nothing of this would’ve happened. Robin and I would’ve made up and tried to fix things. This time she came. This time her disposition was different but it was all ruined the moment Clary came throwing herself at me.

Robin was right. By not saying clearly that I don’t want her I only encouraged her to go further, to press herself against me, to whisper in my ear. I encouraged her to keep trying to seduce me and now this happened.

“You’re a jerk!” Clary shouts but I don’t care.

“Leave,” I state coldly and she makes a weird noise before she marches away, leaving me there alone with my thoughts and regrets.

“Why couldn’t you see this part, Robin?” I whisper. This would’ve put her at ease. This would’ve showed her that I really don’t want any other girl. Words could never assure her, actions could’ve had if I had done this before. If I had been more aware the first time I’m sure we wouldn’t even have fought. She would’ve known from the beginning that I wasn’t an idiot who doesn’t even realise when a girl is flirting.

After all Robin was right… I only minimised her insecurities. Actions are worth a thousands words but I never did something to reassure her, I only promised her I wouldn’t cheat on her. And then she walks in and sees a scene that really looks awful, like I was about to cheat on her.

I wasn't going to. I’m sure I would’ve pushed Clary at some point but Robin had the worse timing.

Of course, it wouldn’t have been a bad timing if I had been clever from the beginning.

I am an idiot after all. Harry will hit me with the pillow, or maybe the table. I don’t know by now.

Oh God. Is it really over? For real? She was crying. I never thought I was going to be the one to make her cry. I never believed this could happen. How did we end up here?

I feel empty. Like there’s nothing inside me but the disappointment for what I’ve done. I don’t feel my beating heart anymore.

I lost her. I lost Robin Summers. After all this time I really lost her.

Fucking hell!

+ + + + +

The final has come and I’m no better and coach knows that. He’s warned me that if I don’t play well he’ll take me out of the game. And it’s the final. I can’t believe I might miss this chance. After all my hard work. It’s just that… I feel empty, like I lost all motivation.

I didn’t only improve to get Robin’s attention. She was my primal motivation, but I honestly did this for myself. And I can’t believe how much all this is affecting me. My mind only thinks of her, her smile, the way her eyes squint when she’s really happy. The way she’d bite her lower lip in a cheeky way just to make me laugh. They way she’d get so into the game. The way her whole expression freezes when she’s mad. They way her whole faces lights up when she’s happy.

I can only think of her and how I don’t have her anymore.

I barely pay attention to the first half of the game, only when Connor comes to the bench I realise we’re in the halftime.

“Good luck out there, Tomlinson,” he laughs. “I know your weakness,” he adds and it actually takes me a minute to realise what he means and by then he’s not around.

My weakness is Robin. She’s my strength, my motivation and my weakness. Did he know that? Did he do something to make things worse?

I immediately look at the bleachers like I never did before in the whole match and I see her. Despite everything, she’s here. But she doesn’t look my way, no matter how intently I look at her. She doesn’t look back at me, only at the field and I know why she’s here. She’s not here because of me, she’s here because it’s her job.

Yesterday I went to her room… I try not to think of that because it went horribly. I waited to go hoping that some time would be useful, it would give her time to calm down and listen to me. But it didn’t work out as planned. She didn’t open the door and Jamie shouted from the other side.

“She doesn’t wanna see you. Get lost!”

Jamie’s word still echo in my mind and the picture I painted in my head wasn’t nice. I saw Robin in her bed, crying because of me, Jamie comforting her when she shouldn’t be crying at all. If I had only been clever.

Yes, Robin has a problem but aren’t partners supposed to help each other? To support each other through the good and bad times? I wasn’t supposed to yell back at her or minimise the problem. I was supposed to offer her my help. My hand. I was supposed to work on this problem with her, together because we are a couple and that’s what couples do. I was waiting for her to get over her jealousy on her own and that’s not possible. That’s not how it works.

And now we’re not even a couple.

“Tomlinson, wake up!” Coach Meyer shouts and I know it’s time to wake up and go back to the game.

I’ll deal with my lousy behaviour as a boyfriend later. Of course it isn’t only her fault, it’s also mine. It’s always both ends’ fault. It’s never only one to blame and I didn’t see that before. I see it too late.

The whistle blows too soon, I’m not ready and I do what I can to focus on the game. To win this. It’s an important match. Come on, it’s the final! We have to win this. I can’t let my team down. I can’t let Tom down. But half of my brain is in this game, the other half is beating myself up for the things I did and worse, for the things I didn’t do.

Why do I realise of my mistakes when it’s too late.

We’re tied. We need to score. I need to stop thinking of Robin. I have to be professional.

I do the best I can but it’s not enough. I’m a good player but I’ve been better than this before. I’m not at my fullest for the most important game of all. I miss many chances and Tom looks at me with worry and desperation. Begging me to join the game for real.

Tom has the ball and we’re running towards the goal, the keeper of the other team ready to block whatever attack. The defence blocks us but Tom is on fire, fooling and making his way. He makes a pass and I barely miss it. In my mind the image of Robin screaming because we’re about to lose a big chance. I can’t let her feel like that. I won’t let her down as a player. I did that as a boyfriend. I won’t do this twice.

I’ll win this game for her. She might think I’m a jerk, but she won’t think I’m a bad, unprofessional player.

I take a quick glance at Robin, hoping she’s watching but I get distracted for half a second. Enough, that’s enough for me to not see the other player coming my way. I only see him when he’s sliding across the grass, right at me. I react too late, his foot clashes with my ankle, throwing me to the ground in the weirdest angle.

The pain explodes and for two seconds I don’t see anything but blackness. I scream as I grab my ankle, which is in flames. I can see again but it’s all blurry and everything hurts.

I barely see what’s happening around me. The referee and a red card maybe? Coach running to me, Tom also by my side, trying to calm me down but I can’t stop screaming.

Paramedics arrive and apply anaesthetic spray, which helps a bit but it still hurts like hell. I’m carried away, but I’m barely conscious of that. I can only feel pain, I see white dots clouding my vision.

Oh God. How did I let this happen?

I’m taken to the infirmary and I’m still in pain, groaning and angry at myself. If I hadn’t looked at Robin I would’ve seen the player coming my way. If I had been professional and if I had been focused from the beginning this would’ve have happened.

I let the team down.

I let Robin down as a boyfriend and as I player.

I’m such an idiot.

-:-:-

Surprise update! I'm a rebel. Really. I have three midterms tomorrow... I haven't studied at all and I don't want to lalalala Please, kids, don't follow my example.

Now, you can't be mad at me, can you? I mean, EXTRA UPDATE! I just wanna finish these stories (also LSA) before the 1D concert in 8 days hahahaha *shots herself in the knee* So I won't tell you when it's the next update. It'll be a surprise muahaha!

Dedication to @ChristineRobitaille Will you be able to sleep tonight? Update of LSA, update of EH and dedication in both stories! Oh my! That's what you get for always being a good reader, always listening to me and just being awesome. Thank you.

Bel, xx