Chapter 32 - Summers

I never realised how proud I was until I couldn’t go after Louis, no matter how much I missed him. I knew I had to go but I always found a reason to justify my anger. A reason to be mad at him. But, did I really have a reason? As days passed it seemed more and more like a misunderstanding and more like it was my fault, only my fault.

I know I’m insecure, I’ve always known that. I know I’m jealous and possessive. It’s just that… I don’t want to lose the things I love because I know how much that hurts. I’ve lost people I’ve loved because others have stolen them from me. It honestly hurts like hell and I don’t want to feel like that ever again. But it seems I only push the people I care about away by being this way.

Louis is tired of me. I caused that, because I can’t control my own jealousy. All that sensible part of me goes away when I see those girls all over him. Hugging him. Rubbing themselves against him. It happens over and over again and he doesn’t seem to notice. How’s that possible?

I know not every girl is like that. In fact, I’ve seen some pretty nice cheerleaders just being nice and complimenting him. The difference is obvious, you can see it in their body language that they are not trying to seduce a man, they are just being nice. But you can also notice the difference when a girl is flirting, insinuating. And it makes me so angry that Louis doesn’t see the difference. He’s nice, I know that, but that kindness is an open invitation for these other girls, the ones that are actually trying to steal him from me.

And no! I’m not imagining that. I know it by a fact.

Okay, let’s state something clear first. I’m not following stereotypes, I don’t believe all cheerleaders are mean girls, like in those American movies. The reason these girls are despicable has nothing to do with them being cheerleaders, it’s all because they are them. Most of the cheerleaders are really nice and bubbly, but not harpies. In fact, one of the real and nice cheerleaders, Suzy —she’s really adorable, I kind of love her— walks up to me this morning.

“Hi there, Robin,” she greets me with a big smile. We met at a party, she congratulated Louis and was all nice to me. “I haven’t seen you during practices,” she tells me and I look away, losing my polite smile.

“Yeah… things uh… with Louis,” I mumble and she also loses her smile.

“So it’s true, you two broke up,” she says and she really sounds sad. I’m impressed by the way she words that sentence. “Yeah, the other cheerleaders won’t shut up about that. Well, Kary, Bea, Joan and Mel,” Suzy explains further. “They keep saying that Louis is finally single so it’s their chance now.”

I have a lump in my throat and I actually feel sick. Suzy looks worried.

“I—I guess we did break up but I—“

“Robin, I hope you don’t mind or think I’m intruding,” she says and I shake my head, inviting her to carry on. “Louis is a great guy and he’s crazy about you. We all know it, and I think that makes the girls really envious. They don’t want you to have him.” I take a deep breath. I already knew this, but this is confirmation.

And then Louis says I’m overreacting.

“I’ve heard them, Robin. I think they even have a bet on who’s gonna get him first. You can’t let that happen. Don’t let them win, Robin.”

I blink in surprise, realising for the first time that all this time I was doing exactly what those girls wanted me to do. I was fighting with Louis, deteriorating our relationship, opening a door for those girls who don’t really want him. Girls who don’t love him. Girls who just see him as a prize. But I love him, I really do. And Suzy is right, I’m letting those girls win.

So the reason why I go to practice later is because of Suzy. Because it’s true those girls want to steal Louis from me but I won’t let that happen. History won’t repeat itself. I can’t let them win, right? And jealousy is a problem I have, a real and serious problem, but maybe I can work on it. Maybe there’s a way out and Louis and I can fix this.

Of course, all those thoughts go to hell when I finally arrive to the field and find a scene that breaks my heart. For a moment I just watch, thinking, convincing myself that it has to be a mistake. I’m trying not to jump and do something stupid again. I can’t let that girl win. That girl who’s all over Louis, pressed against him, whispering in his ear. But I swear I hear the pieces of my heart hitting the floor when he places his hand on her waist, when he doesn’t push her. He’s literally doing nothing. I’m not imagining this, this is happening.

Oh God, it’s happening.

Why?

I step even closer and I can hear her this time and it makes me sick.

“What do you say, Lou?” the girl asks and the way she calls him Lou makes me want to puke. “Pick me. I can be the perfect rebound.”

I can’t control myself anymore, the heartbreak and betrayal is overwhelming. “Yes, Louis,” I speak louder than her, making sure he can hear me and realise they are not alone. “Pick her. She’s willing to be your rebound,” I add with all the bitterness dropping from my voice.

Louis reacts and pulls the girl aside, only then I can see her. She’s not a cheerleader, she’s one of the other mean girls’ friend, one who’s not on the team but it’s always around. I think her name was Clary. And she’s grinning at me, rubbing in my face that she’s won. I don’t know how she can be proud of her cheap behaviour.

“Robin, please, it’s not what you think,” he says and my eyes snap at him.

Unbelievable! Can’t he say something that’s not been said a million times just to prove that it’s actually what I’m thinking!

“What? Are you telling me that she wasn’t offering herself to you and that you were doing nothing to stop her?” Louis actually looks away, ashamed and that hurts so bad. I feel like thousands of knives are being thrown at me, directly to my heart. “Are you telling me that it’s not that exactly what is happening?”

“You two broke up, he doesn’t owe you any explanation,” she says and I swear I’m about to jump on her and strangle the bitch.

I’m so angry I don’t even know what to say and Louis doesn’t say anything either, which makes me feel more betrayed.

“You… you say I overreact and you always say it’s in my mind. Well, is it now? Are you still gonna deny all this?!” I spat and he breathes heavily. “I come here to apologise, to try to fix things and I found you like this.”

“Robin, please, just hear me out,” he begs but I can’t. I can’t even hear his voice now without feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

“For what?!” I shout, embracing myself as if like that I can keep myself together, but I feel broken. “For what?” I repeat more softly this time. “To tell me I’m overreacting, that nothing happened, that it means nothing and that I should trust you? Why? You were holding her waist, you weren’t pushing her or telling her to stop. Isn’t that encouraging her?” He doesn’t reply, which is just a confirmation of what I’m saying. “I— I thought you were different, Louis. I thought you would see the difference but I was wrong.”

“No, Robin, don’t say that,” he exclaims, stepping forward but I step back. I can’t bear being near him right now.

“You’re just like all the others! You don’t care, you don't!” I shout and by that moment the tears are falling freely down my cheeks and the pain is killing me inside. This time… this time it hurts the most. It never felt as devastating as now and I know it’s because this time I really loved him. This time I really fell for him and for that reason the heartbreak is even worse. “Go and shag her now! I don’t care anymore. I don’t!” I turn to look at her and although this is killing me I have to accept defeat. “You win,” I tell her and her grin is so satisfied I can’t stand it anymore.

I turn away and run. I run as fast as I can and even faster when I hear his voice calling me. I run faster than I ever run and I can’t breathe, but I don’t stop. But goddammit! Try to run from an athlete. It’s impossible.

“Robin, stop!” Louis shouts grabbing my wrist but I shove him off and don’t let him touch me.

“Don’t touch me!” I scream and he steps back.

I’m panting and it actually hurts, physically hurts because I breathed in the wrong way. I love sports but I don’t practice them and I hadn’t had a run in a long time. I did all wrong and it hurts, but I welcome that pain. It’s easier to handle than the aching in my chest.

“Robin, please, just hear me out,” I don’t say anything, I just look away and he takes that as an invitation. “It’s true I didn’t stop her and I’m sorry,” I shut my eyes when he says that. “But you gotta believe me when I say it didn’t mean anything. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her or didn’t say anything when she insulted you.” She insulted me? And he didn’t say anything? A sob escapes my lips at that confession. “But I was thinking of you the whole time, angry because she kept saying she would always trust me and never doubt me but you don’t do that. Maybe that’s why I didn’t stop her, because I wanted you to say that to me.”

“That’s sick,” I say, not even bothering to follow his logic and just insulting. I want him to feel the same pain I’m feeling because that’s fair.

“Robin, why can’t you believe me? I don’t want her, I don’t want any of those girls. No matter what they do, I don’t want them!” he exclaims, losing his temper.

“Then why don’t you tell them that, uh? Why don’t you directly tell them you don’t want them? Why do you put your hands on her waist? Why do you let her lean on you that way? Why do you let her whisper in your ear like a lover does?” I stop, short of air. “Why?” I cry, looking at him this time.

“I don’t know,” he whispers and that’d the last straw.

“You’re just like the others. I was a fool for thinking you were any different. Did you enjoy breaking my heart? Did it make you feel better?”

“No, Robin, don’t say that,” he begs and tries to reach me but I push him away.

“Don't touch me!” I shout, angry and heartbroken. “Don’t ever touch me again.”

And I don’t wait for any other word, I turn around and run away once again and this time he doesn’t come after me. Good, because hearing him only makes things worse. I’ve had enough of this. I thought he was different but I was wrong. What’s wrong with men? Do they really can’t control themselves? Do they really can’t resist a girl when she throws at them? Are they that weak?

I have to stop at some point, the tears are clouding my vision and I can’t see where I’m going and the pain in my heart is excruciating. I can’t run anymore so I just hug myself and lean on the closest wall. I slowly slide down until I end up on the floor, on my knees, crying.

It’s over for real this time.

It’s over.

It’s over.

Oh God, it’s over.

-:-:-

I love writing the climax <3

I don't know if you really understand, but what happened there with Clary isn't much different from what happened the previous times. The point is that Louis never noticed the difference. For him it was Robin or not Robin. Anyways, maybe next chapter will make things clearer so wait for it :D

Dedication to @Be_Glappy And of course I say they. It's never only one's fault in a relationship. A relationship is a commitment between two people.

Bel, xx

NU: Thursday