Chapter 15 - Tomlinson

Being friends with one of the staff members of the bar is great when you go on your bike and then you drink so much you can’t drive back home, even less take the girl you’re crazy for with you. Nate helps me drive my bike back to my dorm whilst Robin and I take a taxi to go back to campus. This time I am really drunk, I didn’t go easy on the beer. In this occasion it is Robin who’s more sober and takes care of me. It’s humiliating but in this state I really don’t care.

As the taxi driver takes us to campus I lie back on the passenger seat and turn my head to look at her, so pretty, so natural, so… perfect. I don’t know if it’s because I’m really drunk and I have no control whatsoever over my emotions, but it’s like everything I feel for Robin is overwhelming me. I want to shout at her how I feel, how I’ve felt all this time. I want to just grab her in my arms and kiss her senseless. But there’s still a sober part in me and that part is telling me that it won’t happen like this. I won’t kiss Robin when I’m drunk and I’m not sure if I’ll remember what happened. When I kiss her, when I tell her all I feel for her I want to be fully aware of everything. Of the way I’ll hold her in my arms, of the way her arms will keep me close, of the way her lips will mould to mine. I want to remember every second of that kiss, every feeling, everything.

I won’t kiss her for the first time when I’m like this, even if I’m dying to and it’s hard to control myself. I won’t.

But she looks so beautiful and she smiles at me, and meets my eyes and I feel my heart racing and my hands aching to reach her. Seriously? How can I feel like this, so mesmerised, so lovestruck when I barely know her? Yes, I know I read her column all the time and I kind of feel like I know her, but it’s not the same. I've never seen her laughing until recently, at least not the way she laughs when she’s with me. I never saw her eyes sparkle like that when she talks about football. I never saw her blushing or being awkward until I started talking to her.

I had a crush on her before knowing her and since I got a chance to properly introduce myself and start talking to her I just… all my feelings for her have grown stronger. I’m definitely crazy about Robin Summers and all the new things I learn about her.

Sometimes, for a few seconds, I think she also feels like this, that I just have to gather the courage and confess, but then I go back to reality and realise I’m in the friend zone. I have problems believing that I could be as lucky as to have a girl like Robin fancying me. Even less Robin herself. That sounds almost impossible.

“What?” she asks as I keep watching her, a foolish grin on my lips, I know it. “Why are you looking at me like that?” She’s smiling but I know she’s getting self-conscious. I should look away but I can’t, I just can’t.

“You look so beautiful.” Oops, that escaped my lips.

Robin giggles and looks away, playing with the curls at her right side.

“And you’re really drunk,” she says looking at her hands on her lap. I wish I could just reach one of them and entwine our fingers together.

“Regardless of that, I always think you look beautiful.” Well, I am really drunk because I can’t control my mouth. I’m saying what I really think, even if that makes her uncomfortable.

I see her blushing and taking a quick glance in my direction before she locks eyes on her hands again. “Thanks,” she whispers and I sigh. I’ve certainly made her feel uncomfortable and I know I should stop myself and just shut the fuck up, but I can’t.

“You are amazing, Robin. You really do deserve so much more,” I tell her more serious this time.

“Thank you, Louis,” she replies still not meeting my eyes.

I take a deep breath, a bit scared that I may end up confessing right here and right now, but the taxi driver saves me from that. “We’re here,” he says out loud and only then I realise we arrived.

I sit straight and pay the taxi driver whilst Robin exits the vehicle and I follow her. The taxi driver only dropped us at the entrance of campus so we have to walk from here, which I think is a good idea because I need some fresh air to sober up a bit.

We walk in silence, a very awkward silence and I know it’s my fault. I caused this for not being able to shut my bloody mouth. I feel bad for being so blunt but I just got carried away. It’s hard to control yourself when you’ve been dying to get a chance with the girl you’ve had a crush on for so long.

We finally arrive at her building and I sigh, knowing that our night ends here and there’s still so much tension between us. I want to ease it but I just can’t, I’m afraid that if I open my mouth I’ll say another thing to make her uncomfortable.

“I had fun tonight,” Robin says and she doesn’t look drunk, not a single bit although she drank a few glasses and she’s a lightweight. I learnt that already.

“Me too,” I say and I know this is my opportunity to apologise. “I’m sorry about what I said before if that made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s okay, Louis.”

“Still,” I interrupt. “I won’t say things like those again if they make you uncomfortable. I just… it’s just that I really think so and I ugh, I said it again,” I reprimand myself, looking down, ashamed until I hear her giggle.

“It’s okay, it was really sweet of you,” she says smiling, her cheeks are rosy but she is still smiling kindly at me. “You’re a sweet guy. I’m glad we are friends.”

Friends.

That word echoes in my head over and over again as I fight not to show my disappointment. If I thought before that I was in the friend zone, now I’m completely sure. And what am I supposed to say now? That I don’t want to be her friend? That I want more?

“Friends,” I repeat, although it practically sounds like I’m choking on the word. “Right.”

“Congratulations again, Louis,” she says taking one step closer and placing her hand on my right shoulder. She leans in, standing on her tiptoes and for a second my heart stops and I hold my breath, but she only kisses my cheek. “You’ll be great in the next game.”

After that she steps back and with one last smile, she turns around and walks inside her building whilst I stay there standing alone, with my eyes locked on those doors, still feeling her lips on my skin but still hearing the word friends in my mind.

Is this as far as I get with Robin?

Disappointed, confused and still drunk, I turn around and head to my own dorm, hoping that when I fall asleep all these thoughts will leave me alone. But when I walk inside I find Harry playing on the Xbox.

“Why hello there, Romeo. How did it go?” he asks pausing the game but I groan as I toss myself next to him, grabbing the other control and handing it to him whilst I take the first player one.

“I’m not near to be called that,” I reply starting a new game, which is FIFA. “And regardless of that, it went well. Until I fucked it up.”

“What happened?” he asks pausing the game but I resume it again. I rather focus on the game right now.

“We had fun, I drank too much and told her she’s beautiful, which is true, you know? I was just being honest, but she got really uncomfortable and then she told me I was a sweet guy and she was happy we were friends.”

I keep playing and I score, but Harry doesn’t mind; he’s not even playing and I know he’s staring at me.

“Really? Did she say that?”

“I’m not that drunk, Harry. Of course she said that,” I reply meeting his eyes for three seconds before locking mine on the screen again.

“Maybe she said it to test you, you know? To get a reaction from you. Girls like doing that, I’ve seen it many times,” he proposes and I roll my eyes.

“And why would Robin do that? Uh?”

“’Cos she fancies you, too. I’m pretty sure of that.” I laugh at his words, actually thinking it’s impossible. At least after what happened tonight, it looks impossible.

“Don’t be stupid,” I say bumping my shoulder with his and laughing bitterly.

“I bet she does and she just wanted to see your reaction. Maybe she’s waiting for you to make the first move. Ask her out! Once and for all, make it official,” my best mate advises and this time I’m the one to pause the game and stare back at him.

“Why? So she can turn me down and I ruin all this?” I spat, getting angry with Harry when he’s not the one to blame here, it’s just my luck.

“C’mon, mate. I’m sure she fancies you. Maybe she’s not sure yet or she’s just scared. I don’t know, but I bet there’s a reason. Just ask her out and finish all this once and for all. You are crazy about her, are you really gonna be satisfied with just being her friend?” he asks and I look away for a second.

“Of course not,” I mumble and he punches my shoulder.

“See?” Harry exclaims. “Come on, ask her out.”

“I don’t think it’s wise, man. I’m clearly in the friend zone. She asked you to come with us today! She didn’t even see our outing like a date, mate. Doesn’t that tell you enough?”

“It just tells me you’re a pussy and you’re scared. And that maybe you don’t fancy her that much after all,” he says offhandedly and I kind of lose my temper.

“You don’t know how I feel about her! You couldn’t possibly understand!” I shout, grabbing Harry by the collar, glaring at him.

Harry smirks at me, not minding the way I’m treating him. “Then ask her out,” he says with that stupid smirk still on his face.

I let go of him and stand up, ignoring him, and head to the toilet. I know I’m crazy about Robin and I’d love for her to like me back, but no matter how much I fancy her, I’m not a masochist and I don’t enjoy the humiliation of confessing to her just to be rejected. Why would I even try if I know it’s hopeless? If I know she will turn me down? I would if I still had some hope but she said it, she called me a friend. I’m in the friend zone and everyone knows it’s impossible to get out of this hellhole.

It’s pointless.

-:-:-

Dedication to @HeyZiamUA for understanding they can't just jump into a relationship. It takes time.

Bel, xx

NU: Monday