Not Like the Fairytales

Growing up, I imagine my life would be like a fairytale, with a prince in his white horse to sweep me off my feet and then we would live happily ever after…

But doesn’t it make you wonder what happens beyond the happily ever after?

What happens when someone else comes along and sweeps you off your feet and maybe, even snatched you away from your prince?

I, myself, am not too sure about anything besides that life was not like the fairytales.

At least, my life was not.

I.
Nickhun, the Prince

I had my happily ever after when my childhood friend and high school sweetheart proposed to me during senior prom in front of the entire school. And that very same summer I got married to him, before him and I went off to college.

He and I were happy. He and I were at the top of the world madly in love with each other.

He was everything I dreamed my prince to be, except without the white horse of course, but his silver BMW more than made up for it.

He always protected me, took care of me and showered me with love.

But it was his smile that had me swooning over him. His smile that appeared shy, but a look into the mirth of his smiling eyes, told you otherwise.

I was his everything and he was everything to me. I was so sure then that he was the one for me. He was my happily ever after.

At least that was what I thought.

It was funny how they always say that distance makes the heart grows fonder, for if that was the case, shouldn’t I be missing my husband more? Love sick and miserable to be far away from him?

But instead, I found independence.

For once, I was known as Yuri and Yuri alone. Not Yuri, his best friend or Yuri his girlfriend or Yuri his wife. I was for once just Yuri. And truth be told, I rather like the sound of it.

Funny how that works, I was married to him and he and I should be joined by it, but here I am feeling free and very much independent for the first time in my life, slowly, I realized just what I have given up and that there were so much more to experience.

I loved him…I truly did…

But this freedom I am feeling must have clouded that…because for the first time I was enjoying myself and this freedom that I have discovered.

II.
The Ice Princess

Jessica Jung a.k.a. The Ice Princess.

I have heard of you here and there all throughout high school. Your cold demeanor was a topic often talked about. Underclassmen fear you and for those of us who were in the same grade as you, we chose to deny your existence. It was better off that way. It was better to pretend you did not exist than to constantly be on our toes waiting for your little cold outburst, that rumors have it, had many running, crying and wounded by your venomous cold remarks.

In truth though, you secretly fascinated me.

You are beyond pretty, with your blonde hair and exotic features, especially those dark almond shape eyes that seem to always hold me captivated when our eyes would lock with each other.

If I would be completely honest with myself, I think you have always been at the back of my mind. For no matter what I was doing, I would still be able to sense your presence, my ears perked up at the mention of your name or at the sound of your angelic voice and my nose tingled as the smell of magnolias and acai berry lingers in the air— they were your distinct smell. They were signs that you were nearby. Signs I should not be picking up, for we were but mere strangers to one another.

But I could not control it. I could just easily pick them up. I was familiar with you just like how familiar I am with the back of my hand.

And distant did not do anything to dull that feat, for I can still pick up the sign whenever you were near me…

Entering the café for my early fix of Grande extra skim latte, my eyes darted towards you as I heard you yelled out “Venti Caramel Macchiatto for Minho”, before you handed the coffee to this lanky tall boy who was obviously trying to make you notice him.

I was eagerly waiting for you to call out my order, wanting to hear you say my name…

“A Grande extra skim latte for Yuri”

Like how I pictured it in my head, your voice sounded so nice to my ears, I especially like how the ‘R’ in my name was sounding a lot more American. In truth, that made my day more than the phone call I got from Nickhun that morning.

And that scared and thrilled me at the same time.

III.
It Started Over Coffee

Every day, I would go to that café, sometimes, more than once if only to catch a glimpse of you.

It was midterm weeks and knowing I would need a lot of caffeine to keep me company while I was studying, I decided to study at the café you were working at. It was a blatant lie of course, a mere excuse I conjured so I could see you.

Sitting at a spot where I could easily watch you, I was not so sure anymore if studying here would do me any good. But I found myself not caring, especially when you decided to seat across from me during your break.

“Yuri right?”

I gave you a nod as I look up from pretending to read my microeconomics book.

“Yes”

“I’m Jessica. I hope you don’t mind me sitting here with you.”

“No, not at all.” Our sudden nearness made my heart beat twice as fast.

“It’s funny how it took you and I this long to get to know each other, when we had been in the same class since 4th grade.” You casually brought up as I watched you sip your drink.

“Was it really 4th grade?”

I was appalled at how long it took us to know each other and I probably would have never had the courage to get to know you, if it was not for you coming up to talk to me. It was not until high school did I really started noticing you. It was not hard when you were the only blonde in our school, after you boldly decided to dye it that color, and with the reputation you had built for yourself, you were the talk of the school. But what hit me hard was just how oblivious I was before then. Come to think of it, the whole of my memory almost only includes Nickhun. It saddened me to know how much lost opportunities I had. How much I let my life revolve around Nickhun and him alone.

We had idle chats all throughout your short break and at the end of our conversation we manage to exchange phone numbers and promised to keep in touch. After all, we were both in a new city away from our small town or was that another excuse I let myself believed?

IV.
But it was Because of You

Since then we hang out as much as we could. We ate out, watched movies, shopped together and tried many new things together.

It was funny how comfortable we were with each other. Holding hands was like second nature for us. Hugging a gesture we often expressed. Stolen kisses on each other’s cheek a treat we looked forward to.

Whenever I was with you, I felt happy. I felt free. I felt like I was on top of the world and this time it was not because of Nickhun, but it was because of you.

You manage to make my heart to beat twice as fast, my face flushed and my breathing hitched with your presence.

You manages to make me look like a complete fool as I stutter on my words when you come a little too close for my comfort, because thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking would cloud my mind—thoughts that a married woman like me should not even be having, lest it with my husband, and not with another girl like you.

V.
First Mistake

How did it began again?

When did I start dreading his phone calls?

When did I became too busy for him but not for you?

All I remember was that I spent every free time I had with you. I ate my lunch at the café you work at and you would take your break so that you could eat with me. I would wait for you at the library until you were finish with all your classes that day and then we would have dinner together. We did what typical best friends would always do; we would have sleep overs and gossip endlessly till we both fall asleep in each other’s’ arms, until you moved out of your studio apartment and moved in with me. The good best friend that I was, I wanted to help you save up so you would not need to juggle work and school. Or was that a deliberate lie to spend more time with you and to have you near me.

I was scared at all these realization. I was falling for you and I was damn sure you felt the same way too. But you knew from the very beginning that I was married. Everyone in our small town did. Everyone was there during my wedding with him; it was the talk of our town for a week. They did not think that Nickhun’s rich family would accept an orphan who had nothing but her beauty as their favorite son’s wife. But they did and with much affection too, and I had nothing but appreciation for his family’s warm welcome.

So what went wrong?

He was a great husband always caring for me, giving me everything I needed, calling me every day just to say how much he missed and loved me. Even his parents checked on me and made sure I was okay. So why am I here naked and snuggled safely in your arms? 

Was giving myself up to you my first mistake?

But how could it be when we molded so well together? When you were able to bring me to higher passions? Drowning me with your caresses and kisses and making me feel things that even Nickhun had failed to make me feel. It was only with you that I could be in complete surrender.

Now, I know that the first mistake was not giving myself up to you, but it was going to the café you work at and letting you enter my life…

VI.
Blissful

I tried hard to ignore the guilt that gnawed at me simply because you made me felt blissful.

I felt blissful waking up in the morning feeling warm and safe in your arms. I felt blissful seeing you make my coffee every morning while I make breakfast for us. I felt blissful when you randomly wrap your arms around me and whispered sweet nothings that never fails to make me blush or naughty things that made me giggle and flushed. I felt blissful when you stole kisses from me. And I especially love it when we would sneakily make out in the library, the thrill of not getting caught while being lost and drunk with your kisses made me felt so alive. But it was at night when you chart all the unmapped territories of my body do I felt most blissful. You knew how to make me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in this world. You knew what I want and where I want it making me feel pleasures that was beyond my wildest imaginations. But it was when we were both catching our breath after our love makings and how you would wrap your arm around my bare waist, tucking the loose strands of my hair behind my ear and kissing my bare shoulder before whispering ‘I love you’ do I feel the most blissful, simply because you made me feel love.

VII.
Haunted

But all blissful things were bound to end.

The guilt was getting to me. It was eating me alive.

He was a nice man. He loves me dearly and do not get me wrong for I still love him. I do not think that would ever go away. He was after all my first love. But maybe that was the problem. I let him became my everything when there were so much more for me to know and see. But then again it still does not justify what I had done to him. Cheating was one thing, but cheating with another woman was another. It was a sin to him and to the society and contrary to everything I was brought up to believe in the Catholic orphanage that took me in.

The guilt got stronger when winter break came and I had to go home. It was expected of me. You went home with me to visit your family as well. We went together. I was driving us both back in our small town. The drove took longer than it supposed to, simply because we stopped so many times along the way to satisfy both our growing desires and I blamed you and your roaming hands. It added to my guilt, but you were a tempting sin, something I could not resist. I drop you off right before we entered our small town. As far as everyone in that town was concerned you and I didn’t know each other and it was better to keep it that way.

The guilt got bigger when I entered the home I share with him; it was a modest house his family gave him and I for our wedding present. The guilt got bigger when I saw my wedding picture hanging on the wall. It even got bigger when he welcomed me back with a dinner he prepared followed by his hugs and kisses that I returned awkwardly. The guilt got bigger when he whispered ‘I miss you and I love you’ to me. And because it was my duty I mechanically said those words back to him tightening my hug on him trying to find the same blissful feeling I feel when I hug you.

But I couldn’t find it.

That night he and I made love for the first time again since the honeymoon trip he and I went to after our wedding. It was a cruise at the Caribbean’s and that time it felt right to make love to him. But now, it felt wrong. It felt weird and I tried my best to get the act done as fast as I could. He kissed me on my forehead and whispered ‘I love you’ to me before he pulled me towards him. I waited till I could feel his even breathing to indicate that he was sleeping before I let my tears fall—the guilt haunting me.

VIII.
Confession

Admitting to him my mistake was the hardest thing I had to do. I knew it would hurt him. I knew confessing to him could break my marriage with him; it could even break more than fifteen years of friendship with him. But I know I had to tell him or my guilt will slowly eat me up alive. It was the morning after he and I had made love. I told him everything. About how I met you, and how things progressed between us. I tried to be honest with him and to come out clean but how was I supposed to tell him that I possibly love you more than I love him for you make me feel things.

You set me free.

I saw anger in his eyes as soon as I told him about our affair. I never mentioned who you were to him or that you were a girl. After all, it was not who I did it with but what I did that he needed to know. What struck me and scared me most that morning was the hurt and sadness in his usually smiling and warm eyes. At that point I was scared I had broken him, like how I feared.

Though a big selfish part of me wanted him to be angry at me, I wanted him to drive me out of his life. I knew I was a coward for wanting him to set me free than to admit to him that the love I once felt for him have gotten weaker. I didn’t want to tell him that he couldn’t make my heart beat twice as fast anymore. Or that his smile couldn’t melt my heart anymore. Or that his hold didn’t emit the same warmth and security it used to give me. I couldn’t hurt him more than I already did. He was after all one of the best things in my life. The bullied and lonely me, was never again alone since I met him that one fine day when he visited the orphanage with his parents, for from then on, he was always there to be with me.

Maybe I should have been more honest with my confession, if only to lessen his pain or was it to secretly spite him more so that he would let me go so that I could be with you.

Funny how between him and you…I’d still rather choose you…

IX.
Going Away

He didn’t drive me away like I was secretly hoping he would do, instead he took me by his arm and told me how sorry he was for not realizing how much he’d neglected me. He thought that I strayed away because he was not there with me. Maybe he was right. If he and I went to the same school I would have stuck by his side like I always did. You would have never had the chance of befriending me. We would have not gotten closer and none of this would have happened. You would have remained the ice princess that I am painfully aware of but beyond my grasp.

At the end of the day I found myself packing. He proposed that we leave and start anew somewhere else, to forget all that has happened. I agreed to his plan. What was I to do? Tell him no and that I want to be with you? I couldn’t risk this good future he could offer me in exchange of our affair. Affair that up until that time was still based on lust, I may have love you and I would love to think you did too, but with us never uttering those three words, I could not risk this second chance he was giving me. No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I owe him this. I couldn’t because my guilt and conscience was not letting me.

I was going away and I am sorry for that. I wish our time together was longer. I wish you could forgive me for being a coward, for not admitting to you that I love you, for not choosing you, but more so for not saying goodbye. I could not do it. How could I when I knew that deep inside it was you that I wanted. That if I was truly free to choose it would be you that I want to be with. But I had to be realistic. He was giving me a second chance to make things right, a chance to clear my conscience and get rid of my guilt. He was giving me what I had always wanted and what I knew you could never give me –a family.

So I was going away.

X.
Husband and Wife

The very next morning he and I were on a plane on the way to start our new life together. We went to his motherland, Thailand. It was hot and very unlike Korea, but it was his home and now my home as well. Adjusting was hard. It was mostly sunny and hot. I used to like the sun and the warmth it bring, but here I hated it. Warmth, reminded me of you. Of what we had and what I could never have –for I could never have you.

He and I tried our best to make it work. It was not hard for he was caring, loving and faithful. He always made sure he had time for me and it wasn’t hard to fall in love with him again. Though this time around I didn’t have those silly notions of heart beating fast, knees buckling and all those skittishness girls were supposed to feel when they fall in love. No, I knew that I could not have them, would not feel those things because of him, for those were feelings that were reserved for you.

You were the only one who could make me feel that way.

I knew I was being unfair to him. It was after all unfair that I knew deep down that I still love you. It was unfair that he was but the safer choice. I knew I was being unfair but it’s not like I wasn’t trying. I really was and a part of me has learnt to be contented with this life. I could even picture my life with him and I getting older together with a child or two and grandchildren running around the house merrily.

It was after all my dream to have a family.

XI.
Cruel Fate

Was it my punishment?

Maybe. And I probably deserved it. On the other hand, he did not. I tried so hard to make it up to him and I knew that this was the only way I could. Despite his reassurances that I was enough, I knew I am not. How could I be, when despite my faithfulness to him these past nine years it still won’t rid me of the guilt? The guilt that I still think of you, that I still dream and long for you.

How many doctors have I seen? How many test have I taken? So many to count…so much money spent…but still the results were always the same.

I was barren.

I could never give him the only one thing that could fully rid me of my guilt and ease his fear of me leaving him—a child.

It was but a cruel fate, knowing that the one thing that could save us all and free us all was the one thing that I could not give.

A child could have sealed my fate with him. I would have the family I longed for, he could have his peace of mind that I would never leave him and you…you would be but a treasured memory that I would always have.

But fate was cruel…

XII.
High School Reunion

Gripping the steering wheel of the black BMW that he gave me for our tenth anniversary I stared hard on the building that holds so many memories of my teenage days. Those days when things were a lot simpler, days where my life revolves solely for him and those days when I still didn’t know how to love someone truly—for we were but still strangers that time.

I smoothed the peach colored fitted dress that he personally chose for me to wear tonight. Things would have been less nerve-wracking, if only he was with me. But the damned emergency at his office held him back. I opted to stay at home but he told me to go, saying at least one of us had to show up. We were after all, the perfect couple back in high school, the epitome of those high school tales— jock meets the head cheerleader—except we were always accepted and respected by everyone.

“Kwon Yuri…or should I say Horvejkul Yuri”

“Ok Taecyeon…how have you been?” I rushed to give Taecyeon a hug.

“Good…where’s Khun?”

I frowned at the mention of his name. “Emergency at the office”

“Curse of the Horvejkul empire…but glad you two have finally decided to settle back here in Korea” I chuckled as I accepted his arm as he led me through the throng of people.

Taecyeon and I fell on a comfortable conversation, reminiscing high school but I only paid half attention. My attention was more focused on finding you. Was it so I can avoid you or to see how you’ve been after almost nine years of not seeing you?

I excused myself after having conversations with old friends wanting to get some fresh air. I still haven’t seen you around and a part of me was relief that I would not have to deal with your presence. I don’t think I can ever control myself with you around me.

Heaving a deep sigh I took in my surroundings. It was a calm and beautiful night. Taking off my heels I got up on one of the lined bleachers from the football field and gingerly walked across it with my hand out stretched as I try to balance myself. At that time I felt free and I wanted to keep it that way if only for a while. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath, savoring the peacefulness this beautiful but chilly night was offering.

“It’s pretty out here huh?”

I opened my eyes to find you sitting at the end of the bleacher I was standing on, your blonde hair up in a messy pony tail the moonlit highlighting your beautiful features. You were wearing a short red dress and a leather jacket to protect you from this cold summer night.

“Sica”

“Been a long time Yuri…” You pulled out a cigarette and lit it before dragging a long smoke from it.

“You don’t smoke”

“People changed” You shrugged your shoulders as you answered my question, puffing the smoke out.

“Not you…” I said only loud enough for me to hear.

In my mind and in my heart you were still the same Jessica. The one, people misunderstood for being cold when in truth you were anything but cold. The Jessica that was full of love to give…

My Jessica.

Silence ensues as none of us spoke. I sat next to you quietly. I just wanted to be this close to you again. But a part of me also wanted to leave for there it was again. The fast beating of my heart, the buckling of my knees and when our skin accidentally touches the tingling sensation was still there. They were all still present making me painfully aware of how much I still love you.

“Why didn’t you at least said goodbye?”

“I’m sorry.”

You gave me a bittersweet smile.

I knew sorry was the last thing you wanted to hear. You wanted an explanation and I knew you deserve to have one, but what was I to say. I left because I realized that I’m in love with you and was afraid that I would choose you and not my husband if I see you one last time. So, I told you what you didn’t want to hear and repeated it over and over, my tears falling amidst those words.

I was truly sorry. Sorry for leaving you. Sorry for not choosing you, but most of all sorry for being unfair to you. I had long realized that in this tangled webs of sins that you, him and I were involved in, someone was bound to get hurt. Choosing him had hurt you but choosing you would have hurt him too. But the truth was it doesn’t matter who I choose, for in the end I was still the one who would be hurt the most. Hurt for hurting those two people who have made me feel alive—him, for showing me and teaching me love and friendship and you, for letting me experience real love and passion.

XIII.
All Over Again

I don’t know what happened or how it started again. I was just crying in your arms one second and the next second you and I were both naked inside the tinted BMW my husband gave me for our tenth year anniversary. I was supposed to say sorry then move on with my life, not sin with you again and added on the guilt I was already feeling.

Though honestly, I have not felt that happy and at ease since the last time you gave me a hug and a kiss as we parted for that winter break.

That winter break I cowardly broke you heart and mine.

Frankly, I was afraid to be this happy again. For the pain that could follow after, were more than what I could bear. I have sinned with you once and the consequences were way more than I could afford. I was not sure I could lose you again this time and pretend that everything was still okay…would still be okay…because letting you go once was already painful and getting up from it was hard. Having to let you go the second time would be crippling and I am not sure I could get back up from the fall this time around.

So we started over again. The affair started all over again.

The warmth and love came back and started all over again and for the first time in the nine years we were separated, I was truly happy again.

XIV.
We’ll Always Have the Weekdays

With him hardly leaving my side, it was harder, more dangerous and more nerve-wracking to sin with you.

Even though, secretly I like the thrill.

I like when we meet secretly on Mondays after work as I feign work as an excuse. I like it when we meet on Tuesdays night because I have a meeting with Mrs. Kimura, when there wasn’t really a Mrs. Kimura, but rather there was a Jessica Jung who had me wrapped around her fingers. I like it when we meet up on Wednesdays and Thursdays because Nickhun’s always busy with business meetings and trips on those days.

But weekends were for him.

Fridays was my nightly dinner date out with him, Saturdays and Sundays were weekend getaway trips or a lazy day in the house with just him and I. It was physically and emotionally draining to have to keep up with this setting, but what was I to do when it was the only way you and I could meet each other.

I was just happy you never complained for at least we’ll always have the weekdays.

XV.
Almost Caught

It was a warm Thursday night. I was busy at work finishing my latest designs for the upcoming winter collection. You came that night to help me and bring me dinner as well. You said it didn’t matter that we couldn’t go out and do something fun and that you just wanted to be with me since it was our time together and that we won’t see each other until Monday.

I didn’t deny you, because I wanted you there with me. The weekends are always a dread for me for I was painfully aware of all my sins, my guilt on weekends were stronger than ever and frankly you were my only motivation to keep going with this affair because you make me happy, you make me feel love and most of all passions. Feelings that have long been gone between him and I, for what I have with him now was just a comfortable friendship.

I was taking a break with you sitting on my lap as you were feeding me using your own mouth; we were fore-playing again our breathings both hard as we were both consumed with desires, when a knock interrupted us.

“Yuri?”

“Sica…it’s my husband” I whispered to you as you stood up from my lap and sat on the couch at the corner of my office.

“Khun?” I answered as steadily as I could. I was totally shaken at the possibility that you and I could have been caught.

“Hey…” He opened the door of my office and greeted me with his warm smile.

I felt more guilty.

“Hey you…what are you doing here? I thought you would still be in Japan?” I asked him as I stood up from my chair.

“Meetings ended early so I took an earlier flight. I missed you.” He wrapped me in his arms and gave me a tender kiss.

Ahem

I quickly broke away from his hug and looked at you.

I was hurt seeing a trace of pain in your eyes.

“Is that Jessica Jung a.k.a. the ice princess?” He greeted you merrily before switching his attention back to me. “I didn’t know you two were good friends.

“I met Jessica during our high school reunion.” I explained quickly, the awkwardness and guilt was building up.

“Hi, I’m just visiting town and figure I should visit Yuri.” You answered with a forced polite smile, so different from what you always show me.

“So where are you staying at?”

“At a nearby hotel”

“You know what, why don’t you stay with us? I know my lovely wife here gets lonely when she’s alone.” He gave me a sweet smile and I forced myself to smile back.

He doesn’t know just what he was doing. He was welcoming the person I’m sinning with, the cause of his many hurts and pains into his own home.

I look at you signaling for you to refuse his offer but you avoided my gaze.

“I feel bad. I would be intruding…”

“Non-sense! I insist. A friend of my wife is my friend too.”

“Well if you insist.” You smiled at him before turning towards my direction and giving me a smile that I know too well.

You were up to no good.

“Well then. Why don’t you wrap up your work, so we could all go home?”

He didn’t know what he just did and I don’t know what you were planning by agreeing to his proposal, all I know was that you and I were almost caught and that scared me.

Reality was crashing down on me. We were not invincible and sooner or later we could be caught.

XVI.
Painful Choices

Seeing you and him interact and laughing merrily. Made the guilt bigger, for you and I were playing him as a fool. You and I were both aware of what was happening, aside him who was still kept in the dark about our affair.

It was painful to have to pretend.

It was painful to pretend that I was this caring and perfect wife, when in reality I was nothing but a cheater. It was painful to pretend that you were just a friend, when we both know we were more than that. It was painful to know that I would have to choose soon. A choice would have to be made to free us this entire tangled web of lies.

But it was more painful to know that I would have to hurt either you or him?

It was so hard to choose and let go.

It was hard to choose you and leave him despite loving you, because I could not stomach to hurt him again. He had been nothing but a great and understanding husband. He had made sure to protect me from every harm and to make each one of my dreams into a reality.

He even proposed that we get a surrogate so him and I could have a baby or even adopt, it was not because he wanted a family but more so because I wanted one. He never failed to let me know and make me feel that he was content and happy with just me in his life.

Tell me then, how could I ever hurt him?

But then again, how could I hurt you too?

I’ve hurt you once before and I can’t do that again. I love you and I know that only with you will I be truly happy. You were willing to give up everything for me. If it means you and I would be together and I never been so tempted in my life than to run away and start anew with you.

Why was choosing so hard to do?

XVII.
Letting Go

You might think this was the most foolish decision I have ever made in my life.

But this was the only solution that would end all this lies.

Letting go of both of you was the only way to solve this problem.

I could not continue hurting him to be with you and I could not choose him knowing I would be hurting you again. Hurting you was the last thing I would ever want to do. For hurting you would hurt me more. I’ve caused you pain once before and I just could not do it again.

But letting go both of you will set us all free.

He could go find a more deserving wife. It was not hard; after all he was a very nice man with a big heart and so much love to give. It was just that he was not the one for me.

And you, you can find someone to give your love to.

You were the kind of girl to give your all when you love. It was so unlike what people thought of you. I was thankful that I got to know the real you. The girl who had so much love to give, the girl who made me feel what love truly was. Go and find someone more deserving of your love. And when we meet again, I hope you’ve found that person. By then I hope we could greet each other with smile on our faces, for by then time should have healed all the pains that our affair have caused.

Letting go was the most painful thing I had to do, but I was willing to take the fall if it means I could save you both from hell.

XVIII.
Not Like the Fairytales

I heard from him that you two met up. He told me every single details of that meeting. The three years that I was away from him have mended all the hurts and pains I have caused him, and as usual he forgave me again.

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask me out just so we can have coffee together”

He told me how that was the first thing you said to him with your usual cold voice as you broke the tense silence that hang between the two of you.

I could imagine you stirring your coffee lazily as you said this.

He told me how shocked you were, when he didn’t retaliated but instead told you that, you made me smile.

He said that he avoided looking at you, for you would be able to see through his sadness, the pain of the separation still fresh even after half a year.

He was chuckling as he told me that you just coolly shrugged your shoulder.

I bet you were confused; you always shrugged your shoulder and act nonchalant when you weren’t sure of what was going on.

He said you continued on as you explained that I smiled a lot and that it was one of my finest qualities, my ability to smile despite everything. You even admitted that it was one of the reasons you fell in love with me.

He said it was the first time he ever saw you like that; a dreamy smile was on your usually stoic face.

He continued to probe you, didn’t he? By explaining that my smile with you was genuine compared to when I was with him. I could just imagine how weary he must have felt at that time. How much he was hurting, but he still chose to understand.

But as usual, you chose to ignore his statement as you continued to probe, why he wanted to meet you. After all, you were right; he was supposed to hate you for ruining my marriage with him.

But didn’t I told you, he has a very big heart, so capable of forgiving.

In the end, all he wanted was just to understand and to know what have happened.

He was even laughing as he retold me the story on how you almost choke on your coffee, when he asked you to retell, how you and I met. How our affair started. He retold, how you reluctantly agreed on his request, with you claiming that it was the least you could do. After all, you ruined his ten-year marriage with me.

He proceeded to tell me that at the end, the two of you have agreed to some unspoken agreement that all were forgiven and let go.

I knew he advised you to go and find me. It was so him to do just that. Till the very end he was still willing to put my happiness first.

But it had been two and a half years since that talk between you and him, and we still haven’t seen each other. Was it because I was hiding really well? Or you never tried to find me?

At the end of the day there was only one thing I learned from this whole affair…

Life was not like a fairy tale.

For despite having my happily ever after with him, I found you…and realized that you could give me better than the happily ever after he was offering me…I got caught up in that illusion and in the end…I lost all chance I had for a happily ever after.

XIX.
Fancy Meeting You…Again

Three years of running and hiding have taken its toll on me. I wanted to settle down and live my life all over again. Nickhun and I have reconciled our differences and have decided to remain friends. We were friends first anyways. He gave me the small house that we used to live together back in our small town. It was next to his new house now with his new wife Victoria who was expecting their first baby soon. She was a sweet woman, full of love and admiration for Nickhun and I couldn’t ask for a better wife for him.

I still often wonder about you. I hate myself that despite letting you go, you still invade my mind.

But you probably have moved on right?

Maybe a new girlfriend or maybe even married with kids and what we had could have just been a phase for you. You never did tell me those three words, though that was fine with me, because if you did I probably could have never let you go.

I decided to open a small coffee shop here in our small town. A tribute perhaps on how our affair all started. Seeing how it all ended…though we were all in pain…I could never fully regret meeting you and loving you or even starting that affair with you.

You and I just fell in love at the wrong time.

You would always be but bittersweet memory of my past. The woman who made me felt such intense emotions that I could probably never love another.

Ding dong

The chiming of the bell interrupted my thoughts. I automatically focused my attention towards the entrance of my café and I smiled softly at the sight that welcomed me.

“Hi, I heard you were in need of a barista?”

“You know running this café is a little hard on my own…”

“Well, I’d like to apply as a barista and perhaps something else?”

“Sica…”

“Yuri…I won’t make things hard anymore…we’ve been through so much and wasted so many years…so just hear me out…I love you and that’s the only thing I can really offer you.”

I couldn’t hold my tears anymore as I walked towards you.

“You’re hired Jessica Jung…and just to let you know…this is a commitment of a lifetime”

You wrapped your arms around me and gave me a peck on my forehead.

“A commitment I’m more than willing to accept…”

“I love you, Sica…”

“I know…I just wanted you to make the decision of staying here forever…I can’t afford to have you running away from me again…”

“I’m sorr—”

“We said that word way too many times already…it’s time we both start anew…” You pulled away from our hug as you kissed me tenderly on my lips.

You led me to sit at one of the chairs and I watched as you went behind the counter and poured two cups of coffee before sitting in front of me.

You placed the coffee in front of us.

“Fancy meeting you again…” I stared dumbly as you extended your hand out. You gave me a nod signaling that I take your hand. “It’s nice to start things right this time…”

I finally understood you. If only we met under the same circumstances before in that coffee shop you used to work, with both of us single, then things would have been different.

“Fancy meeting you again…Sica”

You just gave me one of your smiles and I felt all the hurt, pain and guilt of the past completely leaving me as a blissful feeling enveloped me knowing that in the end I still found my happiness with you.

But our life was nowhere near being like the fairytales for we would not exactly have our happily ever after. For I know we would argue and we would fight along the way, but at least at the end of the day, we would still have each other—our love making everything okay.


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