The rest of the steps were easier afterwards. As if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, though a cruel ring still adorned his finger, gleaming in promise. Phantom wisps streaked past him, tying him back to the house, even as he trudged forward. Clutching the worn straps, he pulled the bag closer to himself, as if the weight against his back could alleviate the aching gap in his heart. Shijie, he thought. A-Cheng. The thought of their names felt like collapsing stars, on the tip of a finely blanched dagger. The moment it crumbled, they'd pull him in, pull him down, into collapse.

No. Don't think about them.

Not this way.

Not now.

Still, his mind traced back to the thoughts of what they'd do, how they'd react. In his mind's eye, Jiang Yanli's tearful face looked up at him, amethyst eyes lined with worry, red from crying. Lips drew into a frown. Jie. Wei Wuxian wanted nothing more than to run to her, run forward and hug her, embrace her. He hadn't seen her in a long time, maybe soon it'd be a good idea to visit her in the hospital, talk to her again-

Except he couldn't.

He stopped in his tracks halfway, remembering the deal he'd made with Yu Ziyuan. I want you to leave my family alone.

But what about my own?

Wei Wuxian wasn't sure when everything slipped, when the two siblings became his family, when just having Jiang Fengmian and his siblings felt like home. Almost. Knowing Yu Ziyuan, she'd laugh the moment she heard it. If that's what they meant to you...why did you throw them aside so easily?

It was do or die.

She wouldn't have killed you.

She'd have tortured me.

And I want my family's legacy back.

I want them back.

Even if he knew it wasn't possible, wasn't plausible, when they were buried six feet under. The police hadn't found bones or noises, he knew. But they had been pronounced dead anyway. After all, what kind of couple would be able to get through the woods, unscathed for a year? It was well nigh impossible, but part of him still hoped.

And hope was a dreadful thing, is it not? No matter how hard you tried to quash it, try to avoid it, it had its own ways of coming back to you. It was like poison, in a way. No matter how you recovered, it was there, somehow. A humming in the back of your mind, a whisper. It didn't matter if it screamed or murmured, you heard it just the same. Shadows gathered beneath his fingertips again, and now he couldn't shake it off.

You're not made to love, the Spider would whisper. You were born to destroy.

And destruction was next to all he knew.

Destroyed my family, my life. My, there's next to nothing you can't do now, is there? Her voice taunted him like jewels, and he felt bile rising up his throat again, searing through his stomach, and he hated it. Hated the way he felt, the way he wanted to claw out of his skin, the way he'd beg to be someone else. I don't want to be this, he thought. I don't want to be a monster.

I am one.

Even if Shijie told him otherwise, and Jiang Cheng would fight him on it, that was all he felt like. Even if his mind whispered to him then next to anything he did for them, was helpful. Anything he'd done for them, he did it out of love. Out of care. Not out of spite, or manipulation. But the accusations still pounded through his head, ripping him apart as the mask he wore lay where it was, draped over his face. His feet dragged on. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Until he wasn't sure where he'd gone, the feeling he'd lost them searing through his heart. Familiar buildings clouded his vision, and he finally stumbled upon what he was looking for.

Wei Mansion. The words weren't sprawled across the mansion, but they might as well have been. It was large, larger than their house on the hill had been, larger than Jiang Mansion was. It was beautiful once, he thought. Painted in shades of terracotta and pale grey, a grassy lawn pulled out beyond it. He could only imagine what it looked like inside, with the curtains drawn, and windows open. Of course, the house had long since fallen into disrepair, with grass overgrown, the lawn full of wildflowers. The terracotta roof was now dilapidated, pale grey walls overgrown with ivy, but it still looked gorgeous. Half of Wei Wuxian's mind drifted to his parents, and for a moment, he could see them there. See them on the swing, playing with him, laughing. A smaller, bitter smile crossed his face.

I wish you were here.

"Can you hear me now, A-Pa? A-Ma? A-Ying is back! I'm back..." his voice trailed off into the wind, as he fingered the ring near the hollow of his collarbone and settled beside the pendants. He traced over its ridges, over the serrated teeth on the keys. Like the house, the silver key had long since lost its beauty, silver tarnished and dull. Yet there was something in its solace, in its forgotten beauty, that Wei Ying found striking. His fingers craved a paintbrush, so he could capture this scene, and immortalize it forever.

Nothing lasts forever.

I know.

We'll fade away someday.

But I'll hold onto you for as long as I can, Hanguang-Jun.

Wei Wuxian wasn't quite sure where the words came from, whispering to his mind. It was as if someone had spoken to him a long time ago, and though he couldn't remember their faces, their voice still lingered. Something about it felt warm, somehow. Calming. Like a warm cup of honey on a cool winter day, against the churning ice of his stomach. I'm still here, he thought. Who are you?

But only silence whispered back. Still, something lingered... Though anxiety rushed through him, his heart racing against his chest as he stared back at the house, letting the memories gush back to him. I wish...

But before he could finish his wishing, another voice drew him back to reality.

"Wei Ge! You're here? What are you doing here? My house is over there!" He pointed back to a familiar house. Where the Wei Family Mansion was all red and grey, his was pure wood. Oak and birch arches paved the way even as white flowers swayed, the wood rumbling beneath bare feet. Wei Wuxian lost track of the number of times he'd stayed there, almost always without Jiang Cheng, because Yu Ziyuan disapproved of the bunch of them hanging out together.

Nie Huaisang rushed up to him, flicking his fan shut. The key slipped out of Wei Wuxian's hands and he smiled back at his friend, turning away from the house as Huaisang slung a hand over his shoulder. "Long story... I'll tell it to you later..."

"Okay! Let's go first, then!" Turning away, Nie Huaisang started talking animatedly again, about some kind of girl who got crossed with a donkey...shaking his head with a grin, Wei Wuxian looked back, taking one last look at the house.

You'll be mine again someday.

Just not today.

He let Nie Huaisang's voice drown over, blocking everything else out. Dulling the pain. He wondered if he could see it. By all means, he definitely could, especially when Wei Ying had called him crying at about seven in the evening, asking him for a place to stay without telling Jiang Cheng or the rest of his family. But even then, he didn't bring it up, as if waiting for him to do it. It was one of the things Wuxian liked best about Huaisang. He didn't press. To him, whatever it was would come out on its own. It was simply a matter of when.

But for now, all he had to do was face today.

And prepare for tomorrow.

Whatever that would take.

The rest of the evening blurred before him, and before he knew it, he was back in bed, a can of coke clattering to the floor. Exhaustion curled up within him like a cat, settling into his bones, before he drifted back into fitful sleep...

Plunging back into blissful nothingness again. 

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A/N 1400 words! I finally updated! Sorry I missed last week's update, stuff was busy, and I was working on something for Mdzs Oneshots- Just a heads up, because of exams and stuff going on, I might not be able to update properly for a while...The updates may be once every two weeks or so, maybe longer...I'm not sure- but thank you guys so much for reading, and all your comments, they mean a lot to me! Hugs, and feel free to comment!  ❤️