dedicated to LeChocolat18 who only figured out this 💞 it means a lot when someone understands the character just like the author does 💫

"There's nothing like first love."

N.S.

▪️▪️▪️

[As seen from Advay's eyes]

ADVAY WAS JUST EIGHT when he knew what exactly heartbreak felt like.

He was falling apart at the seams, but the eight year old little boy had no idea what to do to make her stop. The only true parallel that had always remained constant in his life apart from the blatant despair -- was truly a heartbreak.

For no one could understand why would his mother break the heart of that little boy?

It was only when his family was falling apart that Advay realized, nothing is truly his constant. Nothing. When his mom divorced his dad and moved on to California, he was left a hollowed out paper version of himself. His dad loved his wife -- ex wife now -- a lot so he decided it was better to get himself onto the brink of exhaustion to diminish the agony his heart had gone through.

Advay wasn't left alone even though he was practically left as an orphan. He had his sister, Anahita who he loved too much. Anahita, despite of being his younger sister, precisely two years younger to him, was always protective of him.

So she was his sole companion in their little spaceship when everything around them crashed and burned.

▪️▪️▪️

ADVAY WAS JUST FIFTEEN when he knew he was truly going to live an orphan's life.

"It's terminal, sorry kid." The doctor ruffled his hair with a tinge of pity. He felt an invisible force kicking him right in his gut, dragging all the oxygen inside of him, leaving him breathless. And this was not even remotely close to the sugar coated kind of breathlessness people around him talked about. This was some different sort of breathlessness, and he never wanted to experience it again.

Anahita clasped his hand in hers, trying her best to give him the support to fight against the invisible force. And even though she was just thirteen, she knew everything that was happening around her. Her brother was breaking down once again, and there was nothing she could do about.

They were going to be left behind once. And God, how difficult was it to be the ones being left behind.

Their dad was her last string of hope which she knew would keep the fragile figurine of his brother together, but now he was leaving them too.

Advay gave her little sister a smile. "He'll be okay, Ann." he whispers in her ears softly.

He'll be okay, he'll be okay, he'll be okay.

But he knew he was repeating nothing but lies.

▪️▪️▪️

ADVAY WAS TWENTY SIX when he saw Anushka for the first time.

He was supposed to look at his friend's wedding, take part in the rituals in favor of the guy to annoy the girls' side but there he was, just seeing Anushka. She was beautiful conventionally talking. Tall, slender, soft lips, enticing smile. You come nearer to her, and you realize there are no faults to point at.

But he didn't know you've to be with her to realize her countless flaws.

He knew it was merely a crush that day, but somehow her image was fixed in his mind, never bothering to leave. So six months later, when one of his aunt (and ex-guardian) told him to get married, and showed him pictures of girls who she thought could be perfect to fit the bill, he knew it was their destiny bringing them together.

Because he knew Anushka was fit to be his wife.

When they talked for the first time, he chuckled. "So why are you going for an arranged marriage? You don't seem to like them."

"Because I don't believe in love," her cold reply came. "But I believe in marriages, so this seemed the best option to go with."

Advay felt his tongue tied at her words. He knew Anushka was as broken as him -- probably more broken than he ever wat -- but he wondered how easy was it for her to hide the pain behind this cold facade. He wished he could be like her.

But everytime he tried being that ruthless multimillionaire which the novels always glorified, he only remembered his dad's last parting words. "Be good through your better or worse. Don't let this warm heart turn frigid any day and you'll do good without me." So that was the reason why he could never bring himself to do any bad.

And he was determined to warm the frigid heart of Anushka's too, of course, with his love.

▪️▪️▪️

HE WAS IN LOVE, and he had no idea how to keep this secret in his tummy for long.

Advay was never the one to easily confide into a person so when he did to Anushka, she had no option but to let out a part of hers as well. It wasn't an action that came out of urgency or need, it was clearly a proposition, a give and take because she felt indebted to him for various reasons.

On the other hand, Advay decided to propose her, in spite of the fact that they were already arranged to get married. Advay didn't want her to be just the mother of their children. He wanted her to be his endgame, his forever and always.

All he ever wanted desperately in his life was someone to love him back.

They were in the beach house, watching the crashing waves sauntering closer towards them. It was the perfect moment to let his heart open. "I love you, Anushka."

The words left a slow burn in Anushka's chest instead of a spark. "Love you too," she told him. It's okay, even if I don't. I'll learn to. After all it was impossible to not fall for Advay. He was perfect in all the aspects.

"And with my love comes a promise, I won't say stay with me forever, Anushka, don't leave me ever. Because I don't want to bound you by conditions. So if you ever think you want to leave me, you can very well leave."

His words made Anushka smile. How could she not fall in love this guy?

▪️▪️▪️

THE TENSION BEGAN, when Advay came back after a business meeting from Kolkata. He realized Anushka was too pre-occupied with her thoughts but he had no idea what was wrong with her. Her silence was triggering a point at the back of his mind, that he was sure would drive him up to the black hole.

She's falling out of love. How could you even think someone would ever love you and be your constant? You're nothing but a broken doll who ends up getting broken every time he is tossed away. His mind was a convoluted mesh of pessimistic thoughts and there was no way he could stop feeling... nothing.

It was raining that day when she told him it was an accident. That she had accidentally kissed her friend, Virat but it meant nothing to him. That they were going to be okay, no matter what.

How he wished the words she had spoken were true.

Advay tried to keep his calm and composure with equanimity but once Anushka was out of sight, he started crying.

She's falling out of love. How could you even think someone would ever love you and be your constant? You're nothing but a broken doll who ends up getting broken every time he is tossed away. The monsters in the form of words returned to the back of his mind, and this time there was nothing he could do to escape them.

So he cried. He was allowed to cry because in the harshest words, his fiancee had cheated on him. The gravity of the thoughts was shattering. His mind was an absolute blur, and his heart was racing with anticipation and fear, and his lungs empty.

Would they survive this black hole, he didn't know.

▪️▪️▪️

ADVAY'S HEART BROKE ONCE AGAIN when he followed Anushka that night. It wasn't like he doubted her; although he really should because she had cheated on him once.

It was only because he was scared. He was the reason why Mr. Rahul came back in her life in the first place. The man lived too much in guilt that he never thought of returning, but it was only upon his insistence that he came that night to give them his blessing as Anushka started a new chapter of her life.

And it was only because of him, that Anushka decided to leave the house in a hurry, while the night boasted of an impending storm that was about to come.

He stared at his ring, and when the diamond on it slightly twinkles, he had to catch his breath. It was beautiful, just like the stars. He remembered his dad's words when they would witness the meteor shower together, that could grant them their wishes. "Falling stars... Advay, they're the most the selfless stars because they fall to make others' wish come true."

He was probably speaking the truth.

Advay didn't even realize when Anushka had halted her car on the road that was surrounded by the lush green trees and bushes on both the sides. He stopped his car behind her, and started looking out for her on one side of the road.

After searching for long on that side, he returned back to the road, and his breath gets caught in his throat when he saw a familiar car standing on the road. He knew it was his.

Him, him, him. She only loved him.

He walked through the forested road only to feel another heartbreak. For a fleeting moment, he was once again the little boy who was pleading his mom to not leave him. The guy who had a broken heart.

If it was broken before, the heart now shattered to infinitesimal smithereens.

He remembered the incident earlier that had happened in the afternoon. The vase that Anushka accidentally jerked, which had resulted in a small cut on his hand.

Maybe it was only the destiny trying to reach him: this love is going to shatter you, only you.

▪️▪️▪️

HE KNEW IT WAS the last time he was going to see Anushka.

There's a face beneath this mask, but that isn't me. He wrote in his diary. I can't believe I'm going to end this today. You always meant so much to me, Anushka. So much. I know you would never read this, you would never bother looking back at me when we're done because I simply meant nothing to you. But you mean everything to me. And as hard as it is to say, but the truth is Virat is truly your endgame. You two would be happy. I'm sure.

"You kiss me right when she comes," he instructed her. "It has to be... intense."

The girl looked at him, wondering what was wrong with him. "You love her; why would you do this?"

Advay pursed his lips together. "Because I love her." And the next moment his mouth is on hers, as he started snogging his face. It looked exactly like the scene where the fiancee catches her partner cheating on her who never loved her.

Except that he always did. So much.

He broke the kiss, and looked at Anushka for a reaction. He must have been the first person to feel sad that it didn't affect her at all. "Save it," she raised her hands before giving him a sarcastic smile. "Thank you, thank you so much for making it this easy!"

Without an ounce of guilt or hesitation, she removed the ring which adorned her fourth finger and gave it to him. "Thank you for these six months, and thank you for saving me from the guilt, Advay."

Why can't you love me? He wanted to scream his lungs out. Why do you have to hurt me like this? Can't you see that I love you?

Instead of saying all that, he just smiled. Because wasn't that the only thing he was trying to do? Let her start her story thinking she was clean. Giving himself and her a cleanbreak.

Oh how wrong that was, there was no escaping Anushka for Advay. Never ever.

Anushka slowly wrapped her arms around him for a hug. "Goodbye."

And with that she left.

So when there's no one to see him falling apart once again, that's truly when he breaks. He sank to his knees and wished there was somewhere he could go from here. Somewhere rock bottom, somewhere from where he could never think of going any deeper. Like a hollow depression which follows when a meteor crashes on earth, he knew he was also a the brink of it.

So what exactly happens when a meteor crashes on the earth? Catastrophe. Destruction to the earth, and to its inhabitants.

But why doesn't no one care about the meteor who's also utterly, irrevocably, completely shattered in the process?

Because ironically, it's the same meteor which also burns away to make others' wishes come true.

FIN