18. The Engagement Night.

IT WAS HARD to remember the last time I didn't this way.

Empty, that is. Only because it felt like it has always been there like this. Growing under me, truly metastatic, seeping into my skin and living in my bones. It has been something difficult to escape from especially when it always felt like I've felt like this since the time I was too naive to even understand what truly emptiness meant.

And maybe that was the reason I've always been running from things and people who made me feel whole again. Because the bottom line is that there will always be a time when those things and people would leave me too, and I've grown to accept the fact that it was better to let go off them truly instead of head on colliding with them.

After a few deep breaths, I deemed myself calm enough to stare at my own reflection in the mirror. I looked beautiful but empty. My eyes were reserved with a sweep of mascara and faint eye shadow but they looked hollow. My lips painted in the shade of crimson but the smile I wore looked fake. It was me -- by flesh and bones -- but the heart wasn't there.

Still, I tugged on the Saree I was wearing -- it was a dark shade of red made of soft, satiny, light textured fabric. My hair were tied in a bun behind, loose strands of hair let open to grace my face. The only uncomfortable part about my appearance tonight was that I was wearing six inch long heels. I had no idea why mom was so keen on making me wear them, especially when I would be towering over Advay if I wore them.

"You look beautiful, Anu." It was my mom who broke the eerie silence in the room.

"Thank you, ma." Momentarily, there's a bout of awkward silence that ensues, and for a moment I wondered why is she being so quiet tonight twenty four hours before, she was so excited about this night. 

There's a lengthy sigh that followed which followed, "Take care, Anushka," she rasped out, but the tension that underlay doesn't fall on deaf ears. "Be at your best behavior tonight."

And it was the hitch in her voice that gave away. Be it curiosity or uncertainty or the fear of the answer -- I can't quite put my finger upon. But there was something more, something that she was restraining from telling me, and it brewed a scorching, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"I will, mom. Won't disappoint you." I replied. She nodded at me, and left to look for the other arrangements.

I wondered what mom was talking about, as I began to walk towards the door. I only stopped when I knocked into the night desk, not feeling an ounce of pain.

The vase kept on it tipped over, and spiraled towards the ground. The green glass shattered with a sickening series of crack, sending sharp figments skidding about my feet.

Not even a single shard of glass touched me. But a wince escaped my lips when I saw Advay standing right in front of me. Our eyes met, and I had to remind myself over and over again that he was my constant.

"Advay," I told him softly. Bending down, I saw how blood was oozing out of the cut. "I'm so sorry." I got up, taking out the first aid box from the drawer of the night desk before crouching back to my original place. "This is going to hurt."

"I don't care if it's you hurting me," he said, and I wanted to roll my eyes at him for bringing back his cheesiness even at such a critical moment. I poured the disinfectant over the cut only to hear a hiss because of the acute sting -- I was sure. Deftly putting the gauze over the wound, I twisted the medical tape around his ankle.

"Let's go?" Advay was smiling. He was always the smiling kind. Cloyingly sweet.

I failed to understand why.

***

IT WAS MY ENGAGEMENT but it felt like my world had tilted off it's axis. My home was shifting, my heart was missing and I had no idea what to do to bring it back to it's original place.

It was time for the ring ceremony to commence. My mom was ushering me towards the stage. When I stood right next to Advay, in spite of the six inch long heels which I wore, I felt myself shrinking infinitely. Advay nudged me, "Everyone's literally gawking at you. You look incredible, Anu."

"Thanks," I said smoothly, desperately trying to keep my cheeks from flushing into a carmine red in front of the guests. The moment we shared comes to a halt when I saw him in the crowd.

It was Nikita who hauled Virat across the room, roaming through the crowds, and dodging through the guests who wanted to share a word with Virat. I just waved my hand at them awkwardly, wondering why Nikita of all people would want to come in here.

"Okay, time to exchange the rings!" It was Advay's sister, Anahita who broke the intense eye contact I shared with the two.

An intensified nervousness washed over me when my hand made contact with the warm metal of the ring which I was about to make Advay wear. I had done this before, so doing it another time shouldn't be difficult -- but this time it was maddening, confusing and I wanted to get over with it.

So I quickly slid the ring into his fourth finger. My gaze faltered towards Virat, and then everyone, and then Virat when Advay slid the gorgeous ring into my hand.

Advay's friends quickly grabbed him to some corner, leaving me awkwardly standing on the stage. When I saw Virat staggering away from Nikita, I blew out a sigh, slowly walking towards her. From the corner of my eyes I could see Virat congratulating Advay, but the two shared no acrimony about which I was relieved.

"I'm glad you came," my voice was soft, reflecting my honestly. My hand trailed on my face before my voice came down to an eerie kind of feebleness. "I'm still sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

For a few moments, Nikita just glared at me through her glossy eyes. "I know," she paused, drawing a sharp breath. "I know you were trying to protect me, and I'm sorry. I failed to understand things from your perspective. But Anu, Nothing in life is constant; Nikhil never made me feel secure but that's how love is. The passion lies in the risk, and I will give it all my heart even if he decides to tip it off down a cliff."

"Who told you?" I asked, my eyes turning a little glossy. "Who told you about things from my perspective?"

"That guy over there," she pointed towards Virat. "I know you might be thinking he's not trying to win you over but that guy is madly in love with you. He's trying to fight for you silently, and give you your space even though he keeps on loving you. I know Advay is the perfect guy, but just look at him," Nikita romantically sighed. "He won't stop talking about you even for a second. He loves you so much but at the same time he wants you to make your own decisions."

I sniffled, feeling awful for thinking wrong about him. He was fighting, he is fighting. It might not be the conventional way, but he was still trying to convey me about his love. "I'll see you."

"Yep, go and meet him. This engagement," Nikita shook her head distastefully. I chuckled, before trudging my way through the crowd. My breaths were heavy when I stood in front of him.

It was difficult to make out his face accurately under the dim lights but there were some remarkable parts of it that managed to shine through; like his smoldering brown eyes, the sharpness of of his jaw and his disheveled hair. There was a smile through which confidence exuded out of his face, but I knew how much of a facade all of it was.

Virat stuck his hand out, congratulating me. It was warm, and swathed a sense of home instantaneously. My eyes darted upto his face, and I couldn't help but wonder how he had things building inside him and yet he managed to keep the hurt to himself with such equanimity.

"Thank you," I finally told him. "For everything."

"No biggie, honestly," he shrugged. "I don't want you to drift away from the people you love."

"I can't tell you how much this means to me, Virat. I had lost every flicker of hope about reviving my friendship with Nikita. But you fixed it, I'm so thankful." I said him, smiling a little.

Virat sighed, "You look happy with him."

"I'm supposed to look happy." I defended apathetically, my hands doing arbitrary movements.

Virat's eyes gleamed with amusement. "You're supposed to be happy." he shot back.

"Did you eat the dinner?" I asked quite breathy. Soon after my question, I saw his eyes falling shut and his frame disturbing.

"Stop deflecting," Virat retorted, clenching his jaw as he glanced over the other people. I didn't want to make a scene either so I stepped behind and started walking away from Virat like he was an open fire.

My heart twinged as I stood near the entrance, my eyes fixated on the ground. There was no point in being angry with him when it was all me; I knew I was at fault but what could I do in such circumstances? I couldn't cradle his cheeks in front of the guests, and make him understand it wasn't easy for me either.

It was funny you're never sure about anything except for when you're giving up. I was truly beginning to give up. But then I saw him coming in like the lugubrious clouds once again. When my eyes leveled his, I knew I had inherited his.

My body stiffened when he stood in front of me, a soft mutter releasing as I asked myself, "What on the earth was Mr. Rahul Vaidya doing here?"