11. The Aftermath Of The Kiss.

IN CONTRAST TO my expectations, Anushka did respond to my kiss.

I kissed her like her lips were my aphrodisiac - consuming like the most intoxicating drug, like drowning in the oldest of the wines. As my tongue swept past her lips, delving into her mouth, I found her getting more lost in it, meeting the kisses with equal fervor. The fact that she was fighting against me for me, fighting the kiss with a kiss made me growl as I yanked her against me.

I brought my hands up to her face, angling her head so I could deepen the kiss. Her hands constantly sift through my hair, lips faltering to maintain the friction as the contact broke due to lack of oxygen.

Anushka and I stared at each other, the kiss replaying in my mind like it had entered into an infinite loop. When I looked at Anushka, I realized she was like a labyrinth, where each twisted turn took you to a new path. Some paths were brightly lit, where the two of us could walk easily without any banking required on the slope, while some paths were simply dimmed in shadows of mysteries. Even if I knew a fair share of Anushka's past for which I still felt grateful because she cared to share it with me, some part of me always couldn't help but yearn to know what was going in her mind. In present that is, like right now.

Her eyes darted towards the other direction- she was clearly trying to avoid my gaze so I asked her directly this time, "Did that mean something to you, like it meant to me?" I was barely a step away from her.

So close.

Anushka's face was ashen. "What?"

I inhaled sharply, unable to keep myself steady, as Anushka's face hardened with every passing moment. "The kiss. Did it mean something to you?"

There was a prolonged silence after that, almost static and unbearably painful. And then Anushka's features etched downwards into a frown. "Virat," her voice was soft as if she was going to say something which was going to break my heart. I shut my eyes to escape the pain which they might cause. "It meant nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Right," I sounded so scornful and almost angry, shredding her sentence to bits of lies in a moment. "You cannot kiss someone like that and not have feelings for them, Anushka. So. Just. Stop. Lying." I said through gritted teeth, thoroughly exasperated.

"I'm not lying, Virat. Even it meant something to me, I cannot do anything about it. My endgame is fixed, and I shouldn't- cannot have feelings for you."

"What do you mean by your endgame is fixed?" I asked when I noticed a fleeting shadow of guilt passing over her face. "For God's sake, please answer-"

"- I'm engaged, Virat. That's what I meant, we cannot be anything because I'm already everything to someone else."

"Why would you kiss me then?" Her eyes riveted mine in utter shock; I had already expected that she expected me to ask about her fiance but he was the least of my worries. At least, for now.

"Because newsflash; remember when I told you- you make me feel vulnerable and I don't want to feel fucking weak or vulnerable. It was a moment of weakness, and I'm going to make sure that it would never happen again."

"And how is that going to happen?" I asked her in a challenging voice, sauntering closer towards her. My thumb grazed against her lips softly, letting them feel the softness of it which my lips had already witnessed. "How are you going to act like nothing happened, with me around?"

"By staying away."

I blanched. "What?"

A grimace covered her face, "Yes, Virat. Leave." My heart stuttered at her words, and for a moment I could barely breathe.

"Alright," I returned evenly, fiercely looking away. An ache stung my heart at her words but I couldn't help but sense the relief washing over me - thank God that I never fell for Anushka. The last trait I had expected out of her was selfishness but time shows you everything about everyone.

And then it was an inhale as I took a step away from her - waiting, anticipating, expecting because all I can reminisce were the sweet memories of us, and Anushka had satisfied all the high hopes in my mind.

And then it was an exhale when I turned back to look at her, because absolutely nothing and no one is worth looking when it was her around.

And then it was another inhale as I saw her back facing towards me; it almost felt like a thousand of galaxies could fit into the little space between us.

And then it was finally an exhale, because I was gone now - I couldn't stay and all that was left was a trail of bittersweet memories. But both of us knew, getting a clean break from the person who could make you feel yourself wasn't easy.

•••

I COULDN'T REMEMBER the last time I slept beside my mother.

The first thing I did when I left Anushka's apartment was book a flight to fly to Delhi. To say Delhi made me feel better would be a massively blatant lie because it clearly didn't. The lurching feeling of voidness in the pit of my stomach was fast-growing, painfully metastatic and there was so little I could do about it.

I missed Anushka. Every single day.

"You are lost," my mother's voice shook me out of my trance. I curled into a ball, comfortably shuffling in her lap. I couldn't remember feeling so small before. "What happened, Virat? You can talk to me about anything."

"Mom, it's nothing," I shook my head, shuffling once again, this time around to sit beside her. My arms snaked around her waist, giving her a warm hug. Hugs could hide my face, hugs could help me lie. "Papa ki barsi hai kal, that's making me sad and gloomy." I told her, it wasn't a complete lie. This period of the year was excruciatingly painful for me, for I could always see dad's eyes fleeting at me for a moment, but they always felt so blank - I could hardly decipher if he was proud of my achievements or ashamed of my mistakes.

"I hope you aren't lying, Virat. You seem standoffish ever since you returned home." Mom remarked, momentarily taking off her attention from my hair to my eyes.

"Why do you moms worry so much?" I rolled my eyes with a chuckle.

"Well, we cannot help it. It is the first clause of the contract we sign before becoming a mother." Mom rebutted, pinching the bridge of my nose.

I shook my head in silent mirth, digging my head into her lap. "I love you, ma. So much."

I was sure, a faint smile did cover her lips when she replied, "love you too beta."

•••

"YOU BETTER TALK," Rohan told me in an authoritative, rolling his eyes at me. I refused to look at him, instead, I walked towards the window - feeling the fresh air against my face, the soft brush of it soothing my muscles. "Virat, I swear if you don't tell me what has crawled up your ass, I'm going to hit you."

I chuckled because it seemed so anti-climatic- the words I meant, coming out of Rohan's mouth. But I couldn't help but feel proud because he had fixed himself, turned himself to the version of what he always wanted to become.

Wasn't that we all always wanted from our lives?

"Virat - "

"- she ended things, Rohan. She made me leave." I told him, biting back my tears. I couldn't help but feel empty once again, now that I was admitting it to my best friends.

"And you left? Wasn't she worth staying, Virat?"

She's so worth staying, so worth the pain. "I don't know honestly. I mean look at you, look at Nikita, look at Abeer. You all have moved on in life - you all have found someone in your lives. And here I'm stuck, standing still."

"Who's she?"

My mind oscillated between two names- Nikita and Anushka. The one person, I loved, and the other person, who's presence meant everything to me. "Anushka - and listen, it's nothing related to love or don't trivialize this matter into a romantic version because it's clearly not."

"Then what it is?" A smirk spread across the lower width of his face, making me groan.

"It's pure friendship like it has always been. But we ended up kissing each other - for God knows what reason! And now, we're in a huge mess because apparently, she's engaged to some Advay guy."

The moment I googled about Advay, I couldn't help but feel like strangling him. He was the kind of guy who would make sure that you don't feel like she's not the one for you. Maybe you aren't good enough in front of him.

He was good, so good. And Anushka deserved good. She deserved the best.

"Getting jealous, are we?" Rohan chuckled, nudging me on my biceps.

"Right, you're doing an awesome job in making me feel better." I retorted sarcastically, sticking my middle finger.

Rohan wrapped an arm around my shoulders, ushering me to the bed. "You know, the greatest reason why friendships break is because you begin to think that person on the other end doesn't miss you, doesn't want you, and that's why you also stop missing them, wanting them," he told me, pressing his lips into a thin line. Then, he got up from the bed, and walked across the room to get my phone. "Call her, Virat." he sounded stern when he threw my phone towards me.

I caught it carefully, and blanched. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. Just call her, and tell her that she's being missed and you definitely want her."

I exhaled a lengthy sigh, skimming through my contacts so that her caller ID flashed in front of me. With a heavy heart, I pressed the green tab. The call got received in a fashion as if the person was waiting to get called- in just one ring. "Anushka, hey. It's me Virat."

I could hear a shuffling voice at the other end, before the throat was cleared. "You know I haven't really deleted your number from my phone," I couldn't help but chuckle lightly at that. "So, I guess - "

"- we need to talk."

"Yes, Virat. I'm so sorry for that night - "

"- nah. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have initiated the kiss, especially when my own feelings are such a convoluted mess."

"- I shouldn't have been so rude to you either. I'm so sorry. How have you been?"

"Not so good, but now that I'm talking to you - much better. Really. You?"

There was a lengthy sigh at the other end. "Same, I guess? Actually Virat - Anushka, what are you doing on phone? - I'm out for a business meet. Can I call you later? This has nothing to do with whatever happened before, trust me."

"Okay? But I just want to let you know that I missed you. And I don't want to lose you again." I cringed slightly at how cheesy it sounded.

"You'll never lose me again, that's a promise. See you soon."