~ ~ Finn ~ ~

I flicked my head over my shoulder to the sound of rapping knuckles on the window.  It was Mike as I was standing outside his house in his front garden whilst I'd been on the phone to Trix.  He mouthed through the glass asking if I was okay and I returned with a nod of my head and cheesy thumbs up.

Seriously, a thumbs up?  What was I, twelve?

Mike's eyebrow arched slowly, shaking his head.

But what the hell, I didn't care. I was better than okay. I was on fucking cloud nine and my goddamn heart was kicking out to the beat of every mushy love ballad spanning the last twenty years!

Why?

Because Trixie Anders was in love with me!

Not since Jenny had I declared love for a woman. Although now when I think about it, the love I felt for Jenny didn't hold a candle to my feelings for Trix.  Trix's so easy to love. With Jenny and to some extent Cam it bordered on obsessive, and dare I say it a little desperate for them to love me.

And for the first time, I was grateful to my ex-best friend, Sam, for shagging Jenny and putting a stop to what would have been an emotional implosion. Hell, he'd done me a favour because now I had something worth having—fighting for.

Better yet, there wasn't any part of me I was hiding from Trix.  She saw me.  All of me and still loved me. My pulse rocketed feeling somewhat lighter as it had never occurred to me the magnitude of having those three words spoken out loud.

The only downer on my mood now was Cam.  I didn't know where I stood with him. The words he'd thrown at me earlier might have been spoken in anger, but I had a sinking feeling hidden in them was some truth. He thought I was using Trix.

Well, he couldn't have been more wrong.

I love you too.

Trix's words played in my thoughts, and my lips spread into a full-on smile. I didn't care if I sounded like the biggest sap on the planet or how crazy it looked standing in the middle of a garden surrounded by flowers and bushes beaming like an idiot. But I couldn't stand here all night or hide out at Mike's.Trix was right. I had to head home.  Hiding wouldn't fix this.

Heading back inside Mike's house saying my goodbyes. Twenty minutes later, I was home shutting the front door behind me.  Toeing off my trainers my ears pricked, the television was on blaring out the news.

Shit! 

That wasn't good.  He must still be in a foul mood if he was listening to the nightly news. It tempted me to just skip out on a one-to-one conversation with him and head for my room.

Nope.  You've got your big boy pants on. Get on with it... pussy. The pep talk did nothing to stop my gut from coiling tighter than a hangman's noose.

Moseying down the darkened hallway, I came to our open plan living room.  The only light was from the plasma screen and Cam was slumped on the sofa wearing nothing but sweats and one hand lay across his bare chest.  Damn, he just had to be looking all sexy, his feet bare and his dark hair in disarray with some sexy stubble, just dying for some attention from my mouth.

I wondered if there would ever be a time that I could just kick back on the sofa with him, run my fingers through his hair, kiss and hold him.

This rate—fucking doubtful.

My traitorous dick twitched seeing him in his current state.  It didn't care that I was more than a little pissed off and upset with him.

I stood for another minute, he was oblivious to me standing here. "Hey."

He jumped, head shooting in my direction. "Fuck!"

I'd startled him into sitting up straight. I held up my hands "Sorry, shit. Didn't meant to freak you out." His eyes were wide and the lump rising in my throat told me this was going to be fucking awkward and a really bad idea.

"No, it's fine," he muttered, reaching for the remote control and muting the sound.

"Safe to come in?"  Walking around the sofa, I slid my hand to the back of my head, rubbing it, before sliding it to rest on the back of my neck.  I hoped to Christ Trix had talked to him, calmed the situation.

"I was waiting for you," he said, but eye contact was gone and I fucking knew I should have gone with my first instinct and headed to bed.

My throat dried. "You want a drink?" Suddenly wanting oral lubrication or was it dutch courage?

"Nah, I'm good."

Heading to the kitchen, taking my sweet-arsed time getting a bottled beer from the fridge and rummaging through the drawer for the bottle opener. It was obvious I was stalling.

Coward.

Groaning, I dragged my arse to the living room.  Through the archway, I stopped dead.  Cam was up off the sofa, pacing.  Nervous.

Fuck.

His breathing was tight, like he was trying to keep control of himself.  His hands fisted and opened, fisted and opened... repeating.

I braced myself for whatever was about to come. "You ready to talk about it?"

His tongue darted out to lick his lips and my gaze followed the move.  "I'm sorry about my dad." He chewed his lip.  "For what he said—to you." At least that was something.  "It was bang out of order."

Yeah, it was but I was more concerned that he wasn't saying sorry for what he'd said to me.  He arched his brow when I hadn't responded.  "You don't need to apologise for your dad, Cam."

"Yes, yes I do.  I just stood there."  He shook his head, his fringe having grown out a little, falling over his eyes.  "I should have said something when he spewed that shit." 

"I get it Cam, he's your dad and walking in on us like that."

He threw me a look I couldn't read before silently cursing, raising both hands threading his fingers together behind his head and looked up. "...I spoke with Bea," he muttered.

"Did you sort it out, all good?"

"Yeah, kinda. She said she gets why I didn't tell her about the software." He dropped his head with a rueful smile. "She was more pissed off with what I'd said to you."

That's my girl. I lifted my bottle, resting it against my lips before drawing out the cool liquid. It tasted bitter hitting the back of my throat.

"She thinks I should apologise."

Lowering the bottle, my chuckle was low and condescending at best. "What—you don't think you should?"

"What? Yeah." His shoulders pulled back.  "I shouldn't have said it."

Damn straight.

But he wasn't saying he didn't mean it.  A weird pulse flushed through me, stirring my anger.  Fucking pissed that he thought I'd used Trix to get closer to him.

We faced off, nothing but a hard stare, cold air and tension brewing.  I watched his Adam's apple shift and his nervous tick kicked in again, clenching and unclenching his hands, taking a good minute or so before he opened his mouth. "I was upset."

That makes fucking two of us.

"And don't you think I was?" He stepped back like I'd slapped him. "Trix gone, and you accuse me of not being arsed and throwing shitty accusations that I was using her to get to you!  Fuck Cam!" I didn't hide my bitterness, instead I played it up so he didn't doubt how pissed off I was.

"Fuck," he mumbled, scrubbing his forehead a roughness to his voice, tiredness wrapped in confusion.  "I shouldn't have said that.  It just all happened so damn fast my head was pretty fucked up." He looked like he was grappling with something. "I'm sorry."

I stalked to the sofa and flopped down, taking another drink of my beer.

The silence expanded.

One beat...two beats...

I counted to calm my heartbeat. 

Cam stood watching me, waiting.  I loved this man more than I could actually put into words, but right now; I was fed up with his mixed messages.  One minute he was telling me he wanted to try, and the next he's pulling away so fast I've got whiplash.

"You scare me Cam," I said, finally breaking the tense air between us.

"What? Me?  Why?" He slowly made his way over to the sofa, sitting but keeping his distance.

"Because you have the power to take away the best thing that's ever happened to me."

His eyebrows drew in, then arched.  "I'm not following."

"This." I gestured between us.  "Trix." He looked uncomfortable.  "Us."  I sighed.  "And if you walk away and Trix too, I'm left with nothing... fuck all."

His mouth opened, then shut.

"I've never used Trix to get closer to you, but that's not saying I haven't done that in the past with the other girls we've shared." It amazed me he'd never confronted me about it, my attention was always on him.  It took a hell-of-a-lot of self-control not to touch him and the one time had I'd gone for it—it hadn't ended well.

"And I'll go on record and say I'm not proud of using women to be closer to you.  But there it is."  I stopped.  "But never Trix."

He mulled over what I said and I could hear the cogs in his brain turning. "I think she loves you," he said with a tinge of sadness and a heavy sigh.

Irritation deflating, I wasn't stupid, I knew this was hard for him. The only woman he's ever loved—wanted, was in love with me. "Does that upset you?" I asked him. A note of suspicion crept into my voice.

He shrugged, looking away, hiding his face from me. "No. Fuck, yeah... maybe. I don't know." He rubbed his forehead.  "Do you love her, Finn?"

His question sounded more like an accusation. I'd not directly told him I loved her.  In the shower I'd skirted around it, but only because I'd just declared I'd been in love with him for the past four years and he wasn't ready to hear I'd fallen in love with Trix.   I knew Cam well enough to drip feed him bite-size chunks of information to process.  That way, it wouldn't freak him out.

But I was done drip-feeding.  Subtle wasn't working.

Tipping my head back, blowing out air. "Thing is, Trix's incredible, and she just gets better the more I get to know her." I smiled as her face popped into my head.  "Neither will argue that's she fucking gorgeous but it's more than just looks...she's real and easy to be with, but still complex and fucking smart too." A chuckle erupted.  "Honestly, don't know what the fuck she sees in me." My head lowered to meet his gaze. "You, I get.  I see the attraction for her—the whole sexy nerd thing."  

He had his contacts in, but he looked just as hot wearing his glasses.

Tipping my head up again, I tried to find the right words. "She's soft and yet strong and just saying she's sexy as fuck doesn't do her justice." Lowering my head, I lifted my bottle to my lips. "She's everything I want in a woman."  Same as you're everything I want in a man.

"There's no walking away from her.  She's it for me."

Taking another swig from the bottle, in the corner of my eye I spied his hand shaking as it was squeezed tightly into a fist.

"You really love her," he mumbled more to himself.

"Yeah, I'm in love with her, Cam."

He slouched back, his head falling against the back of the sofa. "I've loved her since before I figured out what love was," he said.  His eyes fixed on the ceiling.  "When I came home from my parents to find you both in your bedroom alone.  It fucked with my head.  Jealous I guess."

I'd thought as much.

He continued. "But now..." he paused, "now I see you and I want you, and honestly that's a mind fuck too."

"Trust me, it's a mind fuck for me too."

Lifting his head, turning, his eyebrows climbed as he pinned me with a stare. "What? So you're feeling the same—confused?"

I shook my head. "No. Not confused."  I decided it was better to say what's on my mind.  Too much shit got lost in the lack of communication between us.  And I know I'm just as guilty as him as I was always trying to protect him.

"In the shower when you said you wanted to see where this goes, between us." I stopped to check he's following.  "I thought we were getting somewhere and then at the first hurdle you're pulling back, telling me to forget it." I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, letting the bottled beer drop, hanging between my fingers.

He nodded, chewing his lip but looked remorseful as his eyes dipped.

"Punching me in the face would have stung less."

He sucked in a breath.  "Shit. I'm sorry. I freaked out because I thought I lost Bea."  His hands started fisting again.  I wanted to reach over and take his hand in mine. "And then with my dad walking in. Fuck, Finn." Shaking his head. "I don't even know where to start with that one yet."

It's a fact Cam was from a close-knit family, and this would be a big deal for him.  "Christ, I almost hit him."

"He deserved it," he butted in.

I tried to laugh angrily, but it came out as a shrill bark. "I couldn't let him talk about you or Trix that way. But I shouldn't have lost my cool."

Cam shook his head.  "No. I get it. Trust me." He grunted.  "Dad's never been easy to live with."

I always figured Cam needed his dad's approval.  His family shutting him out won't be easy on him. "I am sorry to mess things up with your family.  That was the last thing I wanted."

He dragged a hand through his hair.  "I'll give him time to calm down and then I'll go round, explain things."

"And what exactly are you gonna explain to them?"

"Honestly, I don't know."  He grimaced.  "I want to be upfront with them, but Bea was right when she said it's my life and I can't live it for others." He half shrugged, and it wasn't rocket science to see he's not looking forward to that conversation.  "But as long as I have Bea..."

Each vertebra in my spine stiffened as I waited for him to say or even hint that he wanted me to be a part of what he had with Bea.

The silence was brutal and the pain in my gut was probably a knife twisting. How could I have been so dense to think he could love me the same way I love him?  It's been four years; I'd been living in a fantasy.

The silence fell stagnant.  There was no point sitting here trying to flog a dead horse.

Rising from the sofa, I placed my half drank beer on the table. "I'm tired.  Gonna head to bed."  I didn't wait for a reply.

"Finn—" hearing my name, my steps paused, twisting my head slightly.  "I—"

He started to say but I cut him off.  "Don't." My heart crumbled. "Leave it till morning Cam, yeah?"  I walked away.

In the bathroom, I finished up brushing my teeth, trying not to let my feelings get the better of me.  Cam wasn't emotionally invested in me, yeah he liked sticking his dick up my arse.  But only had room to love Trix.

I love you too.

Trix's words rumbled through my brain.  Would that be enough?  Could I handle being Cam's fuck buddy and us sharing Trix?

A knock on the door but I didn't respond. I rinsed out my mouth, spitting. Washing my face with one hand, I straightened to see him standing behind me watching me.

Fucking déjá-vu.

It was a pain in the arse only having one bathroom. Grabbing a towel, I dried my face and hands and threw it on the side.  "I'll get out your way."

Turning around, Cam stepped toward me, tipping his head, tilting it to the right, and placed the softest kiss against my mouth.

My heart kicked up into a frantic pace, but I didn't move or react.  I was seeing a theme when we're in the bathroom together. It seemed to be the only place in the flat where he could open up. It tempted me to shift my bed in here.

"I want you," he whispered, even though we're on our own.  He inched closer, and I could feel the hardening of his dick pressing into mine.

What—to fuck?

Or wanted me? 

Heat rose in my cheeks. "Fuck you," I could't find a flying fuck to give right now—I wouldn't let him use me to get off any longer. "I not a piece of ass you can fuck whenever you feel like it, Cam." My jaw tensed.  "Find someone else to fuck."

He pulled back, shocked. "I wasn't talking about fucking Finn."

I pursed my mouth in a silent Oh.

"I don't know how to handle these feelings. Jealousy. Confusion." His face twisted, a haunted look crossed his brow. "I love Bea, Finn... but I know I have feelings for you but this—the three of us. It scares the fuck out of me."

"Then what the fuck do you want!?" I didn't want to be angry, but I couldn't help it.

"Everyone's gonna think what we're doing isn't normal here."

"Who gives a fuck about normal?"  I tried to push past him, but he stepped with me.

"I do!"

"Then you've already decided." I barked out. "The three of us can't ever work!"

"I never said that."

"Then what the fuck are you trying to say?" I threw my hand up, my eyes flicked to the side and then back on him. "Fuck Cam, I can't do this back and to." I sucked in a breath. "I said I'd give you all the time you need, and I meant that—but this!  This I can't work with."  I sighed, defeated. "You can't keep playing me."

My anger deflated. He didn't have a fucking clue he's the oxygen in my lungs. He's the man I wanted. He's the man I loved.

Neither of us moved, the air surrounding thickened with tension and I wouldn't deny some of that was sexual tension.

"I want you, Finn.  You."

Freezing, heart beating a mile a minute, I kept tight-lipped.  He knows where I stand, I'd told him how I feel. I'm not doing it again.

But fuck, if I didn't want to close the distance between us and kiss him stupid.

"I'm gonna fuck up, but I never want to hurt you, Finn." He lifted both hands, placing them on either side of my neck, holding me in place.  "I'm shit at saying what needs to be said. How I feel."

I didn't move. I could see the turmoil in his dark greys, they looked pretty fucking lost right now. He's being pulled in all directions, but I'm done making the first move here.

He inched closer, his fingers nestled into the back of my neck, pulling me into him.

Fuck it, I can't fight him or push him off.  I'm a gonna, a lost cause where this man is concerned. I forced my weight against his as he pushed me against the counter, leaning into me and took possession of my mouth and kissed me deeply as if he couldn't get close enough.

I loved kissing Cam, he never failed to get me hard as the scruff of his face rubbed against mine. There'e power, strength, ownership as his tongue tangled with mine. I could already feel pre-cum leaking, wetting my underwear.

I threaded my fingers in his hair as Cam let out a deep rumbling groan that shot straight to my dick, and Cam felt the same as his bulge was rubbing against mine. "Let me show you," his words ghosted over my lips as his hand reached down between us gripping my dick through my sweats.  "You have a nice cock, Finn and I like I make you this hard." His teeth dug into my bottom lip.

I swallowed, he had no idea what he did to me and he may regret it later, but I was greedy and going to take whatever he'd give me.

I nodded, my lips pressed up against his.  I wanted him in my bed and I went to move but he stopped me. And then with that he sank to his knees, using both hands to yank down my sweats and boxers and took me into his mouth, his tongue working me over in good style.  "Fuck Cam," I hissed.

Anyone would think he's been practising.

I groaned, gripping the counter with my good hand.  I bucked my hips, pressing him to take more of me. He sucked me down then pulled back, circling his tongue under the ridge, licking over the head, paying close attention to my leaking slit.  My breath pushed out in a rush. "Fuck that's good, yeah, suck it, suck my cock."

He stroked the soft skin of my thighs between my legs, cupping and squeezing my nuts.  I sucked in air, inching legs further apart, my balls already tightening.

I didn't want to detonate in his mouth, but fuck, he couldn't be doing this to me for much longer.   I wanted him inside me before I spilled all over the place.

He sucked harder, humming along the length, and my toes practically curled.  "Fuck, enough!" Shifting my hand, I gripped him by the hair, pulling him off my dick, not easing until his mouth dropped it, leaving us connected only by a strand of spit.  It gleamed between us like a string of pearls.  And didn't that look at hot as fuck too?

Cam licked across his wet swollen lips, and it almost did me in.  "Fuck, you look good on your knees, my dick in your mouth..."

His eyebrows shifted together, and I cursed myself thinking I'd said the wrong thing.

"Are we okay?" he asked.

We were okay the second his mouth landed on mine.  "Yeah, sucking my dick puts you in my good books every time."  I grinned.

Cam's eyebrows danced and a careless smile spread across his lips and damn if my breath didn't fucking catch.

I reached down with one hand and pulled up my underwear and joggers together. "Do you want to take this to my room?"  I fucking hope so.

"Yeah, c'mon."  And suddenly it was like neither of us could get there quick enough.

I almost stumbled into him as we reached my room, almost toppling us over.  His mouth back on mine, kissing frantically, hot and heavy. Licking, sucking, biting with bits of laughter in-between.

I was back on that fucking cloud.

"You want me?" I was standing in front of my bed, barely inches between us as I lifted the hem of my t-shirt, yanking it over my head with one hand as my other is still no fucking use nor ornament, and tossing it aside.

His eyes ran the length of me, desire and heat poured from them and no doubt the same reflected in mine. "You trying to make me admit it?" he asked but his tone was lighter than earlier, its playful.

"Ah-hu." I shoved down my sweats and boxers awkwardly to let my dick spring free, slapping my stomach, but I was still grinning. "Get those off,"  I growled, and he did with no hesitation, whipping his bottoms off and my eyes feasted on his rock hard dick.

"I can't believe I like looking at your dick," he said.

Fuck.  And would you believe it my dick got harder... painfully stiffer as his eyes glued to it and another cheesy as fuck grin pulled at my lips.

"Yea, I want you Finn," he rasped, dragging me toward him and we toppled back on my bed, him landing with his mouth catching mine. 

I gripped his hair in a tight fist and rolled on top of him to be forced to roll over again. The pressing of our hard cocks struck a match.  He pulled his lips from my mouth, running them down my throat, biting my shoulder.  Before shifting up to my ear, biting my lobe.

And then he says three words that freeze my movements.

"Fuck me, Finn."

What?  I couldn't think.  Couldn't move. Couldn't fucking breathe.

He eased his head back.  "I'm serious Finn, I want you to fuck me."

The words were in me somewhere, but in that second I lost them.

"Did you hear me?" he asked, looking puzzled by my muteness.  "Finn?"

I nodded cautiously.  The number of times I had this moment in my head, him asking me to fuck him.  But I hit the brakes, and as much as I'm an ass man and want him, this was moving too fast. 

Cam didn't do fast.  He likes plans and order. He thinks things through.

But my mind was struggling to keep up with my throbbing dick.  It was more than willing to take up his offer.   "Seriously, you think you're ready?"  Ready for Me?

"Will I ever know when the time is right, ready?"

The hairs on the back of my neck stood rigid his words penetrating through the thin veil of shock... and there it was.  There's no way I'm fucking him until he knows abso-fucking-lutley he wants my dick up his arse.

"Look, trust me, I want nothing more than to be buried balls deep inside you." I sighed.

"But?" he queried.

"You're not ready."

... Although I would take him a step in that direction.  "Do you trust me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Lift off me and you lie down."

He rolled from me, and I lifted and pushed to the end of the bed, slipping to the floor on my knees to turn to face him.  "Scoot to the end of the bed."

He did as I asked but looked confused.  "In this position... I thought?"

"I'm not fucking you tonight, Cam, but we are gonna explore."  I teased my brows up before dipping my head, looking under the bed to find a bottle of lube.  It's next to my dildo, and I grabbed both.

Cam's eyes widened, watching me carefully.

"Your gonna fuck me with a dildo?" He looked unsure, but his dick twitched and I swore thickened, so it wasn't freaking him as much as he thought right now.

"No, not tonight."

His face relaxed.  "Do you use it?"

A smile kicked in.  "Yea, I imagine it's your cock fucking me."  If that didn't freak him out, then nothing would.

'"I think I'd like to see that, you getting yourself off."

Well, fuck me sideways. "I can make that happen." Smirking.  "...next time." I winked.