She was my weakness, my downfall, and my eternal suffering.

Hermione settled down at her desk, feeling fully refreshed and of a somewhat clear mind. She'd pushed her lingering fear about her present circumstances behind her and decided to focus on something slightly different.

Instead of going to visit Snape, she decided to take a literary walkthrough of one of his other, less protected, journals. Picking one at random she made her way to her bed. Settling up the pillows along the back she snuggled herself down in the sheets and curled her knees to rest the book on top.

She casually walked her fingers through the increasingly tight scrawl before finding something that sparked her interest. She sat up a bit straighter as she read the heading.

Dueling Club

Malfoy (S) 5-7
Avery (S) 2-10
Mulciber (S) 0-12
Black, N (S) 6-6
Prince (S) 1-11
Black, S (G) 3-9
Evans (G) 6-6
Potter (G) 2-10
Everheart (H) 4-8
Nambe (H) 5-7
Hillon (R) 4-8

The list went on further, with more statistics and notes about different people made in the following pages. She remembered the brief time Hogwarts had hosted a dueling club and so wasn't surprised at all that it had been present during his time as well. Though what did strike her was the notes he'd made regarding each duel he'd witnessed, how he'd studied every single aspect about their style and form. He'd obviously taken his observations exceptionally seriously as his notes on his own dueling style changed with each set.

She could almost hear his mind turning as he calculated for himself how to approach each type of duelist. He'd made four different categories to try and help create some sort of reliable system for beating each one. He explained to himself how each style had its benefits and drawbacks and how if he were to stand outside his own organization he'd have to remove any shortcomings from each style.

It was incredibly militaristic in its design though brilliant nonetheless. Hermione read through pages and pages of his thoughts on the subject before finally coming to his own score. Unlike the others, his losses had names and with them his mistakes that he'd made.

She was partially surprised when she came across Lily's name in the loss column but what really broke her heart was the reason for his loss. The word, humiliation and emotional weakness doubly underlined. The crassness in which he berated himself was so self-destructive that it was amazing he'd managed to be calm enough to write it at all. He had clearly been upset but his teenage ramblings were less than clear on exactly what had gone wrong.

Hermione pursed her lips and glanced at her clock. It was still early yet and so she pulled her wand from her bedside table and pressed it into the pages.

Hermione opened her eyes to find herself in a completely redesigned Great Hall. All of the tables had been removed, replaced with bleacher-like seats along the walls. The center held a large circular padded mat that shimmered ever so slightly with a protection spell. Aside from the large circle, there were four long mats that very much reminded her of when Lockhart had attempted to reinstate the dueling club. There was a fair amount of students, all circled around the central platform. Though it was only raised about two feet the students did not lean against it, seemingly aware of the protections around it.

"Welcome! Welcome! Fifth years! I hope you had a wonderful winter holiday!" A large man, no doubt the Defense teacher of the year, came forth from the throng of students on the far side, older students Hermione could guess by how much taller they appeared. That and the very distinct head of Elsa among them. She turned slightly when she felt the group behind her move closer. Instantly, she spotted Snape, he'd grown exceptionally tall in the time she'd last seen him, his pale face standing nearly a full head over his other classmates.

"Yes, come closer! Now I know you all can't officially join the dueling club until you've passed your O.W.L.s but I invite you here today to get a feeling for the club and even let a select few of you give it a go!" The professor, way too excited in Hermione's opinion, smiled broadly. Though there was something almost mischievous in the corner of his eyes as he took to the center platform.

"Don't hold me so tightly..." Severus muttered shifting slightly to help relieve his arm and bring feeling back into his fingers.

"But what if he chooses me to fight I can't do that!" Narcissa's voice was hushed her pale fingers curling back into Severus' arm.

Hermione had nearly missed her in the throng of students but easily made her out now, she blinked dumbly when she saw her take Severus' hand; a move to which Severus' clearly didn't appreciate though he did attempt to hide it. His eyes, however, weren't on the young woman clinging to him but rather far to the right where, when Hermione turned, Lily could be seen.

Lily was surrounded by her group of female friends, her focus on the professor presently giving instructions. Though, when she felt his gaze she turned her head. Hermione pursed her lips at the look of ambivalence on her face. She couldn't really describe it accurately but had a feeling that this year had been rough on their friendship. As though she was trying to get herself to forgive him for dumping her but hadn't quite gotten there yet.

She could see James and his little clique of friends as well, standing near but not close enough to actually be within talking distance. A devious smirk painted both James' and Sirius' lips as though they were chomping at the bit to get into the ring. Remus merely looked bored, his arms casually crossed over his chest. She couldn't see Peter as he was hidden somewhere behind them.

"A volunteer then!" The professor had called Elsa to the center platform. Her ice-cold eyes looking out over the crowd of fifth years. Her stare was very much like Snape's own during his time as a professor. Cold, calculating, and devoid of any empathy whatsoever. She flicked her black curls over her shoulder nonchalantly before looking disinterested down at her fingernails.

Hermione hated to admit how beautiful she was, and she was sure Snape did too. Never mind Narcissa, who despite her own charm, had nothing on the Greek goddess-like woman who stood before them now. Even genetics had hit Snape hard, while he wasn't outright disgusting to look at, his...particular features were definitely specific to a certain kind of woman. Rugged...Hermione would eventually settle on--he looked rugged.

There was a bit of jostling to Hermione's right and she could see Sirius and James talking hurriedly before James raised his hand with a haughty smirk, "Me! I volunteer!"

"Excellent! Come over here boy, Potter was it? Yes, over there, put on the protective jacket." The professor moved towards the small set of stairs that James was moving to.

"I don't need that." James' snorted as he slipped his outer robe off of his shoulders.

"Oh, boy, trust me." The professor smirked as he put a hand on James' shoulder, "You're going to want it." He smirked as he called it over handing it off to James who reluctantly put it on.

Hermione smirked a little and shook her head just a bit before settling herself just beside Snape. The jacket reminded her of that ridiculous thing Lockhart had worn, not that it had done him much good against Snape. She smirked at the memory before glancing to Severus' face. Despite Narcissa's clinging, his eyes were exceptionally focused, not on Potter for once but on Elsa.

"To the center now! Bow and turn, I'll count you in." The professor had moved safely to the center of the ring but remained on the floor behind the protection barrier.

Potter strutted forward while Elsa seemed to almost glide, they raised their wands to their nose before making to bow. Potter bowed mockingly low while Elsa barely moved her head at all before she turned with a snap. Had she been wearing robes instead of slacks and a house sweater no doubt they would have smacked James straight in the face.

"One, two, three!"

Elsa turned on her heel but didn't even raise her wand. Potter immediately shouted out, "Expelliamus!"

The spell was easily deflected with just a twitch of her wrist, the magic sputtering out to her left. Elsa tilted her head slightly before rolling her eyes towards the group of six and seventh years that were beginning to snicker.

"Come on James!" Sirius shouted.

James glanced over at his friend but it was all the moment Elsa needed. In that split second of distraction James suddenly found himself flipped backward on the spot. His body did a full turn before slamming hard, face first, into the mat.

Severus snorted but quickly schooled his features though a wry smile did tease the corner of his lips as the older group of students had begun chuckling and talking among themselves.

James, humiliated and now properly furious pushed himself up and cast out another spell, this one silent, it bounced harmlessly off to the side once again and he snarled. He began to circle around her, throwing stunning spell after stunning spell, all of which were easily deflected. Elsa hardly moved to counter him, waiting just long enough so that he wouldn't get too close before moving ever so elegantly.

Truthfully, she looked bored and when she glanced over her shoulder at something that was said behind her, still blocking the spells that were cast at her without even bothering to look, she grinned most devilishly. As though given permission for something, Elsa turned her head back towards the now panting boy.

Two flicks, two silent and minute flicks sent James Potter into the air, a large snake coiling around his body snapping his arms and legs in tight. His wand fell to the ground as the snake constricted and Elsa silently called his wand with her free hand before letting James fall to the mat, the snake slithering off of him to disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"That's the match! Well done Miss Prince. A great show of calm under pressure!" The professor clapped slightly before the rest of the sixth and seventh years gave a polite accompaniment. Elsa merely dipped her head to the professor as she came down the stairs, passing James' wand off as she went.

"Alright there, Mister Potter?" The professor came onto the platform to help the boy to his feet.

"Yeah...all good..." James tried to grin but it was clear his body was hurting. He held his chest as he was helped from the platform.

Hermione glanced to Severus who despite his greatest rival being completely humiliated only had a grin on his face. She could most certainly feel his mind turning, trying to decipher just what spells Elsa had used and how he too could learn them.

"Right! Right! Anyone else wish to have a go?" The professor smoothed down his robes as he came back to the center, "You girl would you like to?" He pointed towards Lily whose brows rose high, she made to shake her head for a moment before one of her friends whispered into her ear. Her eyes snapped over towards Severus who was presently looking away down at Narcissa. A wave of jealousy filled her face, not a pretty look for the redhead by any means before she straightened her shoulders.

"Sure, professor but perhaps I could fight someone of my year?" She glanced to her left for a moment before trying to make herself sound more confident, "A house rival perhaps?"

The professor raised his brows before pursing his lips in thought, he waffled his head for a moment before nodding his consent, "A Slytherin then yes?"

"Yes, sir." Lily was hoping for Narcissa, but when the professor took notice of Snape her heart sank.

"Mr. Snape, would you be so inclined?"

"What?" Severus hadn't been paying attention, perhaps that was why he had been chosen, he couldn't have been sure, though he answered without thinking, "Sure, sir..."

"Excellent, put on your vests yes, Miss Evan's that side good, Mister Snape, that side." He pointed to the opposite ends of the platform before moving towards the center of the ring.

Snape looked like he'd tasted something most sour and cursed himself for not having paid any attention to what just happened. Still, there was no way he could back out now. Not with Elsa watching. Never mind Avery and Mulciber.

He'd hardly spoken to Lily throughout the year, though they had on occasion tolerated the other during times in the library he found himself sorely lacking her companionship. He missed her terribly, the guilt of what he'd done wearing down his shoulders for the entire year. He'd tried to deal with the pain of her loss on his own but it only fueled his self-hatred further. He knew he'd made a mistake at denying her that fateful summer night. How he had broken the heart of the only girl who ever saw anything good in him. The only girl to even look at him in the way she'd done. He never would have dared to call what he felt for her love, not in the way she had wanted him to but it was a deep feeling that wrapped painfully around his heart every time he saw her.

"Right! Come to center, very good. Bow and wait for my count."

Lily didn't look any more pleased than Snape did, in fact, she looked slightly afraid, the fear in her eyes only causing Snape's to grow darker. When she turned and raised her wand, however, she didn't hesitate.

Severus just barely managed to block the spell sent his way. His feet adjusted slightly before he raised his own wand, his eyes locking on hers. There was a moment where he could feel her inside his thoughts, feel what she was feeling. The pain she felt from what he'd done to her. It tore through him like physical pain and made his words stall on his tongue.

Lily blinked furiously, she could have sworn she'd felt him, a feeling she couldn't have explained if she tried. She had felt something similar every time she managed to get him to look at her but it had been so long she'd nearly forgotten what that felt like. What it felt like to feel his love for her, how deeply he cared for her. Something she'd never felt before from anyone else.

Severus blocked the first spell that came his way, it was weak barely even made his shield worth making. His teeth ground as he made to move to the side, simply stepping out of the way of her next stunning spell. He could hear James and Sirius cheering her on from the sides and resisted every urge inside him to 'accidentally' let a curse fly in their direction. Not that it could do any damage thanks to the shield around the platform but at least it might have shut them up.

Lily pursed her lips as she sent another spell his way, her brows furrowing in concentration. She didn't want to fight him, she never wanted to fight him. Especially not this way. She was fairly certain that if he would actually strike at her, she'd be unable to block it, his spells had always been lightning fast. She swallowed thickly as she moved with him, her eyes never leaving his wand that was held at his side. What she couldn't figure out was why he wasn't attacking her back.

Severus knew he was running out of time, his dark eyes flickering over his 'friends' that stood with raised brows at the sidelines. He had to do something otherwise they might realize that he still cared for her. Something that he'd been trying all year to convince them wasn't true. He was a skilled liar but his friends weren't so naive, they could easily see how his eyes softened when he saw her, they'd pointed it out on numerous occasions, with warnings of what would happen to him if he ever wanted to make something of himself. He had picked up the slurs, and even participated passively in their little games but it still hadn't been enough. Never enough. Just as he was.

A spark of rage flowed through his chest at the very thought, his eyes focused somewhere beyond Lily when he cast his first spell. His wand tip came to his lips as he lowered down, his breath coming out harsh over the tip. Black smoke formed into the air quickly, the shape and size of it taking on a massive tiger. The smoke shifted as the tiger roared loudly with pure anger.

Lily was startled at what she'd seen, her eyes growing wide as the beast came to form. The black and white smoke spiraled around inside its shape before the tiger lunged straight for her. She let out a scream ducking under the beast's large leap, her wand pointed towards Severus when a spell squeaked past her lips. Unfortunately, she'd mispronounced it but she realized that too little too late.

The tiger dissolved into the air as it hit the magical barrier just behind where Lily stood, the smoke partially obscuring her vision though when she came to stand she felt a coldness reach deep into the bottom of her heart, a pain like nothing she'd felt before rising into her throat.

Severus' stood, shirtless and deathly still. His eyes were widened at what she'd done. The cuts over his chest, arms, and sides still raw and glaring in the light of the hall. It was almost as though he'd cast his own curse onto himself, large welts of retraced lines standing starkly against his snow-white skin. His back, which was to Lily but not to the crowd, held a testament to all the beatings his father had given him. Large crisscrossing scars that ran from shoulder to hip. Lashes from a man too unforgiving.

Hermione had her hands up to her lips when she realized what Lily had done. The small bit of laughter had almost instantly died down as soon as it had started. Snape was impossibly lean, his chest well defined with a stomach as flat as the books he so desperately clung to. His arms were wiry and thin, but she could easily make out the veins pulsing with his rapid heartbeat along his bare forearms. The small dusting of black hair along the backs hardly noticeable.

The world seemed to have frozen, Hermione barely noticed Narcissa, of all people, moving through the crowd towards the stairs. Even the professor seemed stunned at what he could see. Lily looked dreadfully pale, her wand falling limply down to her side as tears welled into her eyes. It was clear she wanted to say something, anything...but what could possibly be said?

"Severus." Narcissa's sharp tone seemed to set everything back in motion and she quickly wrapped Severus' cloak around his shoulders. Still in a sort of trace, Severus blinked down at her when she took a firm hold of his arm and turned him away from Lily and towards the stairs. She looked up for a moment as she partially dragged him, the sharp flick of her wand calling his shirt from one of the archways where it had been flung to, she fisted it tightly before looking behind at Lily.

"Bitch."

"Severus! I'm sorry! Severus!" Lily's tongue had finally freed itself as she made to run across the platform, her pleas seemingly lost on him. As she made to go down the stairs both Avery and Mulciber blocked her path making her snarl.

Hermione then noticed, neither James nor Sirius were laughing.

The scene warped and began to blur as it started to fade out, and Hermione hurried her way through the throng of shocked students after Snape and Narcissa.

"It'll be alright Severus." Narcissa said softly, "You didn't lose, and besides, no one cares about what your body looks like." She handed him back his shirt before coming to a stop beside the boy's restrooms, "Go on, get dressed."

Severus gave her a small appreciative look, before slipping into the restrooms. Hermione could feel the anger nearly crackling in the air of the memory. She slipped by Narcissa who leaned casually against the door frame picking at her nails, finding it most curious that the young woman cared about him at all. Then again, she did choose Snape for the unbreakable vow so perhaps it wasn't so wild as to think they would have been some semblance of friends at one point.

Severus stood at the sink, his dark eyes looking into his reflection. His own face disgusting him as he snarled. Hermione wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in a protective hug when he dropped the cloak from his shoulders to begin slipping on his shirt. The marks on his body suddenly given new meaning. He had mentioned before, that pain had an amazing effect on clearing the mind. Was this what he had meant? Was this how he was controlling himself? Hermione wished it wasn't so but the evidence was so clearly before her.

Severus sighed deeply and slipped his shirt on, his fingers deftly doing up the buttons before a small commotion at the door caused him to turn his head.

"Let me in!" Lily's voice, distressed and obviously louder than she intended.

"Nope." Narcissa's cold response was simple and succinct.

"He's my friend!"

"Some way to show it," Narcissa's cool response elicited a low growl and Hermione could have only assumed that Lily had physically pushed Narcissa out of the way.

"You dare touch me! You filthy-"

"Narcissa." Severus' voice stopped her from using the slur, her crystal eyes narrowing a bit as she turned her nose up.

Lily now stood between the two Slytherins, her eyes puffy and red, "Severus I-"

"Don't." Severus' words were cold, his eyes focused somewhere over the top of her head, "It's done."

Lily shifted to try and get him to look at her, but he readily avoided meeting her gaze, "Please...I didn't mean for it to happen...it was an accident..."

"An accident...Not something you do very often." Severus was suspicious, he believed himself to have every right to be, "From the moment you kissed me, you've done nothing but try to remove my clothes from my person. What is it exactly you were expecting?"

Lily's face contorted in confusion, obviously not following his twisted logic, "I...I don't know what you mean..." She shook her head slightly before glancing over her shoulder, "I'm sorry okay...?" She reached for his hand but he jerked it out of her reach, "Severus please...I'm not trying to hurt you...I don't want to hurt you...Never..."

Severus' lips pursed tightly, his dark eyes finally settling on her own. He searched her inner thoughts for the truth but only found her words to be genuine, "You've spent this entire year avoiding me...Now, you beg for my forgiveness?"

"I know it's a lot to ask..." Lily tried again to reach out for him, this time her fingers slipped into his palm holding it tight, "I just...my heart was hurt...I love you...You know? It's hard...when someone you love doesn't love you back..."

Now it was Severus' turn to look confused, his head shaking slightly before he looked down at their hands, "I...I never stopped..."

"What...?" Lily raised her head, sniffling loudly.

Severus shook his head clearing his thoughts from hers, "Nothing..." He knew he would regret it later, possibly for a long time but the way she looked at him, begged him. It was honestly too much to bear, "I forgive you..."

Lily smiled through the tears freshly falling down her face, "Can I hug you?"

Severus nodded and almost lost his footing when she nearly crushed him. His arms came up awkwardly around her shoulders as she did her best to squeeze the life out of him. He held her back for only a moment before gently pulling her from his frame. His lips twitched in some semblance of a smile before he slowly moved around her and back towards Narcissa.

"Are you two...?"

"No." They answered in unison before the memory began to fade away.