"I'm going crazy, let's go out."

"No Len, I'm not letting you go to Matty Sinclair's party a week after you overdosed." Jorja is arranging her letters on a green Scrabble board on Lennon's sofa.

"You've got to stop saying word overdose Jorja. Fucking hell. It wasn't that bad. They let me go the next day."

"You collapsed just before entering the stage. You were unconscious and the medics carried you out on stretches. I thought you were dying, Lennon Lewis. " There is a beat of silence, only disturbed by Jorja's sharp intake of breath.

"Fuck, come here." Lennon's arms are squeezing her tightly, he is burying his face in her hair, inhaling the scent of home, clinging to her. "I still can't believe I did this to you. Please, all I need you to know is that is not your fault, Jo, I hid it from you, there's really no way you could have known. I'm sorry. I am the shittiest friend in the world and I don't deserve you."

"No, you're the best friend and I love you, and I hope you learn to love yourself too and realise someone rejecting you doesn't mean you have to reject yourself. I hope you learn to let go of the things not meant for you."

"Yes, I will try. And I love you too."

"How are you feeling now? " Lennon doesn't know how to answer that question. His instinct answer is fine but he knows that he is not fine. He spent most of the days in his bed, taking naps during the day because he couldn't sleep at nights. He has nightmares and then can't fall back asleep because his mind is itching for just one little pill. Then he would frantically go around the room, opening the drawers and checking pockets of his jeans. Jorja and Sam are usually always there in the house, often sleeping in his big king sized bed so eventually they would wake up and try to calm him down, make him tea or just switch the TV on and silently watch another documentary about serial killers on Netflix.

One night he even tried to escape the house but Nate caught him by the gate, pinning him down while Lennon was desperately trying to break away from his hold. His entire body was shaking, and he swore while Nate whispered it's ok it's ok it's ok. Nate is the one that doesn't leave his side. Nate feels guilty for not noticing something was wrong and for lashing out on Lennon on that night when it all happened. Lennon knows that he would never forgive himself if anything worse happened. They haven't really talked much about it, neither of them seems to know where to start. Liam calls him everyday too. A lot of people send him messages and wish him speedy recovery.

Lennon hates when he comes across the article about him in the magazines or online. Or when one of them mentions the topic of rehab. Or when he gets a text from William.

He got five text messages from William, one every day since he came to visit him in the hospital. He remembers kissing him and that memory seems to numb the itch beneath his skin at least for a moment. Guilt and frustration is written all over his face when he reads the messages, guilt because he is constantly reminded of the fact that he punched William in the face because he made him so fucking angry by offering help. And frustration because for whatever reason - he started kissing him.

So he needs to leave this room, this big house that feels like a prison, forget about William's lips, forget about messages in his phone that he wants to reply to but knows he shouldn't.

"I'm becoming depressed here Jo, I... I feel much better physically, I am not throwing up anymore. I'm eating. But I have to get out. Please."

"But to a party? And to a Matty's birthday party? Those can be vile." Jorja hesitates, staring at Lennon, wondering what the hell she is supposed to do. This would either be the best or worst decision she'd made. She needs to trust him, and be there for him.

"We'll only go for an hour. I won't leave your side. I want to meet up with Brian, he will be there."

"Brian Reeves?" She is giving him a small, questioning smile.

Brian Reeves is an openly gay TV host and presenter that has been flirting with Lennon on more than one occasion in the past, sometimes even on air during their interviews but Lennon obviously didn't want anything to do with any man or woman after William, so he never responded to any of Brian's advances.

"Yeah, he's been calling me, he was worried when he heard the news and we started talking in the last few days, I kind of... I want to see him. I want to start something new. Forget about William once and for all. Like you said, some things are just not meant to be and I need to let it go."

"Oh babe...wait, so what did he say to you when he came to the hospital? I'm sorry but I'm still really angry when I think about how he led you on and made you this weak."

"He... He was nice, trying to offer me help and rehab center but it fucking pissed me off because he had no right to do that so... I kissed him."

"You what?" Jorja raises a brow.

"Yeah, I punched him first and then I kissed him."

"Oh my god?! Len, what the ... " She starts to laugh.

"I didn't hit him hard! I mean, I think. I hope it's not, I feel bad about it, but he left me fuming, Jorja! And then I just.. I don't know what got into me, I just..."

"Decided to kiss it better?"

"Um... Anyway. I just want to forget about it. I need a distraction. We both know he will be here, in my life, somehow, he's with the label, and he's friends with Liam, and one way or another it's inevitable that the two of us meet. He's trying to be friends, he sends me messages asking if I'm ok. And fuck, Jo, I want to, like, be able to answer them and just not let it bother me, not let it make me angry or sad. So, yeah... I want to meet with Brian, or just meet people, talk to them... or fuck them."

"Right."

"You know what I mean. Just move on with my life. Without drugs this time. I promise."

"I get it. I do. I'm just worried that it's too soon because I already feel guilty for not noticing before."

"But it's not your fault. Don't ever think that. And you will be with me all the time so you can go all mother-hen on me. I want to show up and let the world know I'm doing ok, I don't want fans to be worried about our tour or something. I need people to see me being my normal self. I need this."

"We'll only go for an hour." Her voice is firm.

"An hour. Fine."

"And I'm calling Nate and Sam to come with us."

"Yeah, yeah, perfect."

"And no alcohol."

"Yes, mum." Lennon's eyes are a mix of relief and gratefulness as he pulls Jorja by her wrist and drags her to his walk in wardrobe so they can get dressed for the party.

*

Smiling feels strange after weeks of not doing it. He is sober and in the car with Sam, Jorja and Nate on the way to Matty's birthday party at his house in Hampstead Heath.

There is a catchy tune playing and Nate is singing it out loud. He knows that things magically won't get easier. There's an itch beneath his skin still, it has simmered down but so much easier to ignore with all of them around. He realises that he has a problem but knows that he can rely on his friends. They got him, they're here to pick him up when he falls, no more secrets. He still can't understand why they treat him like he is something special because he knows the truth. He is nothing but a sad, lonely boy who goes through life filling voids that could never truly be filled. All the music, all of the drugs, all of the faceless bodies were there just to help him forget what a shitty life he had.

The neighbourhoods grow further apart until they enter a stretch of road with single houses built on full acres and set back from the main road by long driveways.

"The next house on the right."  Lennon points out to where the driver should pull. He's been to Matty's place a couple of times before, but as their driver turns and steers them along the driveway the house is almost unrecognisable. The two-storey house made of red brick and white pillars is overflowing with people as dance music pours into the night. When they clamber out of the car, he sees familiar faces from London jetset climbing out of their Ubers. A group of girls gather by the glossy frontier of the big house, dressed in Dior, lighting up cigarettes, their eyes trained on Lennon the minute he steps out. Shock and curiosity mixed with lust scream in their stares as their gazes follow them, whispering vigorously. Of course, he knows he is the newest talk of the town and he came right in the middle of it. He couldn't care less. Sometimes he feeds on gossip about him, attention and obsession makes him feel like he matters, when he deeply knows he doesn't. Fame gives him the illusion. Fame is something he equally hates and craves, since he was fifteen years old and put in front of the professional camera in that studio in Shoreditch, where he was told that his face will bring him everything he ever wanted. It brought him many things he didn't want too.

The room inside is very vast and filled up with young men and women who were all dressed to kill. The men are greeting each other with slaps on their backs, chatting and laughing and the women are sipping their drinks from tall glasses and flutes with sophistication that could only be achieved by wealth. Dressed in shimmering dresses from the latest runways, they are getting more and more drunk, twisting to the tunes of the catchy music. They are all magnificent like that, stroking each other's ego while the lights are turned down to dim intimate colour of the night.

He is sipping a cold fizzy energy drink that magically appears from a handsome young waiter in tight trousers. And a black bow tie, no shirt. Matty always goes extra.

Sam waves him from the bar on the opposite side of the room and raises the same type of drink in a silent toast, letting him know that he is the one who ordered the drink for him and also letting him know they are in this sobriety thing together. There is alcohol everywhere, the smell of weed in the air and he can see that familiar glassy eyed look in people passing by. He is doing ok. Nate squeezes his bicep, obviously aware as he is of the silent threats surrounding them.

"Okay?" he asks in a way he has of making him feel as if everything will be fine as long as he stays by his side.

"Yeah," he nods. They both know he wasn't as okay as he would have liked, but it is the best he can do for now. A sense of intimidation and overwhelm is at the core of his insecurity.

"Lennon? Lennon Lewis. What brings you out this evening?" He turns to see a predatory smile, sort of familiar, but not really. He might have fucked him a long time ago? He might be a part of the crew that tours with the band? He silently checks him out, to let him know that he could be interested.

"Catching up with some friends," he says, remembering to smile. Nate takes the opportunity to slip away mouthing he'll be right back.

"That outfit... damn. I thought you're... " the man doesn't finish the sentence clearly regretting his thoughts. "You look... good."  And then he touches Lennon's Gucci shirt, flashing him a sexy smile. Or was it pity.

"Thanks. Certainly better than a hospital gown" He jokes addressing the elephant in the room. He doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. That's the reason he came to the party in the first place, to let the world know he's doing just fine.

"Umm... The Sun really treated you wrong, I mean those photos they published..."

"Please let's not talk about that, we're at a party, right?"

"We definitely are."

"You enjoying it?" He says as he leans in close. The strong scent of his cologne hits him. He looks good, his hair artfully mussed, his body fit, pretty face.

"I am now."  The man licks his lips, leaving him with the impression that if he asked him to go to one of Matty's rooms upstairs, he wouldn't be saying no. He needs this. If he can't get high he can at least fuck. He used to be good at that.

"What about a party for two?" Lennon whispers, holding his gaze.

"And what about a party for three? " Right there, Brian shows up behind the man and puts his chin on his shoulder, sneaking a hand around his torso. He lightly bites the man's earlobe while looking straight into Lennon's eyes.

"Brian."

"Lennon. I see you met Lucian, my boyfriend." Lennon nods. Fuck, that's why he is so familiar, he saw him with Brian a few times in the past, and he just hit on him. But it seems like Brian's boyfriend hit on him first so he will play along. "Yes. Cute little thing."

"Glad you like him. Would you like a taste?" He seductively bites a place where Lucian's shoulder meets his neck and a tiny moan escapes his mouth.

Tempting. Definitely pretty. Brian smirks inviting him to play his game and Lennon leans in and opens his mouth kissing Lucian, without shame pushing his tongue right away. Another moan. Definitely delicious. It's not making him hard enough though. Can he do this sober? He has been in a few threesomes in the past and he loved it. He is not a selfish lover and also loves watching, but more than watching he loves being watched, being the narcissist that he is.

"Mmm. This might be the sexiest thing I've ever seen."  Lennon hears Brian and breaks the kiss, gaze flicking toward him.

"If we do this you'll definitely get enough sexy material for your spank bank." He brings his thumb to his lips, whipping the wetness from the kiss away.

*

Jorja POV

After exchanging a few words with friends Jorja rushes to the bathroom. What she sees there is nothing she hasn't seen before, thin rails of coke on the bathroom sink and pretty people rolling banknotes with the queen's face on them. So she leaves them be.

It's always like this at Matty's house parties, that's why she was so reluctant to bring Lennon here. Her best friend used to be one of those people in the bathroom, she knows because she used to join them sometimes too but she knows that she can't hold him prisoner in his own home forever and is determined to keep him safe.

She decides to look for another bathroom on the second floor that she knows not a lot of people use, and afterwards she will join Nate, Sam and Lennon. Hopefully they will go home soon. She goes up the stairs and then turns left down the hallway, passing a few closed doors until she arrives at the second to last one near the end of the hall. Just after grabbing the door handle of the bathroom she realises that the door is already opened and Matty's voice is heard, like a whisper but loud enough. He is not alone and she suspects that she is intruding some private conversation otherwise they wouldn't be whispering in the bathroom.

"Matty please, Lennon Lewis is downstairs, I just saw him." Just as Jorja decides to leave, a familiar female voice stops her in tracks. And she remains there, eavesdropping.

"I told you already, I'm not going ... I can't, I'm done."

"But we made a deal last time."

"Yeah that was last time. And I'm in a relationship now, I'm not going to seduce Lennon while my partner is right there in the room."

"Oh now you're playing a saint, Matty, I know you better then that, you've done worse."

"Nina, I love you, you know you're my BFF, sweetheart, but I'm done playing these games. I accepted your little game last year because I was bored and I was single and I had an opportunity to hook up with Lennon and hey, who wouldn't be up for a piece of that hot ass but..."

"Matty.."

" ... but! Women, listen to me! He didn't even want to fuck last time. He blew me off, literally used me as a taxi driver and fucked off into the night leaving me and my blue balls there in the rain. So no, I'm not going to try to flirt or get inside his pants. Leave the guy alone Nina, don't know what more you want. You got yourself engaged to the gorgeous rich royal boy. I'm sure Lennon is no threat for you anymore."

Jorja widens her eyes in surprise and runs away from the door, forgetting where she is. This can't be true. She is going down the stairs, her mind in chaos. All this time she thought William had a mission to mess with Lennon's feelings but that just might not be entirely true. She has to talk to Lennon about this, maybe together they can find all the pieces of the puzzle, maybe Lennon can confront Matty and Nina and they can tell him the truth about why Nina wanted Matty to seduce Lennon. Maybe he can talk to William and... and just as she lifts her head in the bottom of the stairway she sees Lennon kissing a man. And Brian Reeves is there watching.

She doesn't want to interrupt this. That is what Lennon came here for, a little bit of distraction in the form of Brian. She is debating whether she should interrupt this and upset Lennon even more, he is so mentally weak lately. He is suffering and she knows it, the reason definitely being William fucking Hamilton-Smith.

The same William, gorgeous rich royal boy, like Matty called him seconds ago, is there at the bar in the opposite corner of the big dark room and she only notices him because she was coming down the stairs and she had a clear view of the whole room.

She takes a turn to the bar.