The paramedics wheeled the stretcher to the ambulance. Red and Blue lights poured like uninvited pallets that contrasted the pitch black night canvas.

Everything happened so fast. It felt like life had pressed the forward button, pause, replay, and backwards.

I was stuck in the moment, suspended at midair but I don't want to bask in the memory of the now.

"I'm sorry. " His words had me plummeting down the deepest depths of dispair.

"For the bleak future. The things I couldn't control. "

"I love you Zen."

"Isn't it important to at least try? "

"I love you in this lifetime and the next. "

White walls, white sheets, white hallways. Everything looked so bland I could taste it.

White coats, white curtains, white drapes. Everything seemed familiar.

Tears streamed down. I remember now.

I think someone's talking but I couldn't hear.

"It's Lupus."

It was his limp body that only mattered. The doctors and nurses running around in the emergency room.

I remember now why I was so afraid.

It's this, the attachment, the loss and the grief.

So I cried.

•••

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