When I wake up, I find myself dressed in gray robes. My hair is shaved close to my head. I gasp in horror. My hair! Liang Wen liked it so much!

Wait. 

He's dead.

I force a laugh as I sit up. What I see shocks me even more. The other 7 concubines are in the room, all in robes like mine, and their hair is shaved too. Some of them are crying, peering into the mirror miserably. Even the mirror isn't a floor length one. It's a tiny one in the wall, just wide enough to see our face.

The floor is wood, hard wood. I'm lying on a grass mat, not on a luxurious bed. Just like the old days, except I'm suddenly not used to this discomfort anymore. The palace life has spoiled me. I'm not the same girl I was before anymore. Older, yes. But wiser? Happier? I think not.

A older woman pokes her head in. "Hurry up and wash your faces. You are the new nuns, right? We need you for duty."

"What?!" cries a concubine. I think she was the 4th Concubine May, a foreign girl whose beauty captured the Emperor's heart. Which has long stopped beating, of course. "We were sent here without our consent!"

She wails loudly and the others join her.

"Why are you here?" demands another concubine, looking at me. "You're the 1st Concubine Wang, mother of the heir to the throne!"

"I guess I got kicked out," I say, remembering my fight with the almighty Empress Wu.

"With Empress Wu?" another asks. 

I nod. The other concubines sigh at the same time. "She's evil."

"She used to be my friend," I say softly. I can't- I never will understand how she became so evil. So ruthless. I thought she was gentle and nice. Or maybe all along she was putting on a show for us. 

"So what do we do?" they ask. I realise they are looking at me. I stand up from the floor. "Let's work," I say.

They groan but follow me. Even here at the nunnery, we follow the hierachy. I'm still the leader of all of the concubines. Weird. 

The old concubines are no longer here either. Some of them died young. Some of them were rejected by the Emperor. I miss them, actually. Concubine Jing was nice. She gave me herbal soup and made me clothes when I was, well, pregnant. And one day she just disappeared too. 

We go out to the garden. It's plain and simple, lined with rows of vegetables. "Pick them," orders the senior nun. "We chant prayers and sutras at noon."

"What?!" shrieks Concubine May. "I do not pick vegetables! This is jobs for the servants!"

Some of us, who have come from humbler backgrounds, start picking immediately. It has been so many years, but somehow my hands still remember what to do. I know which vegetables to pick and which to avoid, how to crush the worms easily without hurting them. 

The other concubines, however, spend all day yelling and crying. 

----------

Days pass. We often hear news from the palace, that a new policy has been passed, or something. We "old" concubines work here everyday. In exchange, we get porridge or soup for our meals. Gone are the days of drinking tea and dancing. 

And yet, I enjoy it. I'm finally at peace with myself. The other nuns have taught me to relax, and to forget. I am learning the art of meditation. It's soothing and calming. 

I still worry about my son. But I am no longer sad for Liang Wen, or even Liang Min. I know that, one day, when I go into the heavens, Liang Wen will be waiting. And we will finally be together, after so many years.

"Close your eyes and think of your past," says the senior nun now as we sit in rows in a hall and close our eyes.

I think of Gao Ling. And of Lady Lin. Both of them met tragic fates, trying to help me.

----------flashback----------

"Gao Ling ah, talk to Wu Mei. She's still nice," I said to Gao Ling. We sat together and watched the swans on the pond as my eight year old son Gaozong raced around chasing dragonflies.

"No, don't be stupid. Anyway, I'm a servant now," Gao Ling said to me. "You know I can't talk to the Empress like that."

"Do you like being a servant?" I asked.

"Of course, it's better than being a concubine," she said, giving me a sly look. We laughed. I wanted to tell her that I agreed. But of course there were spies everywhere, I had to be careful of my words. 

"She killed your servant, you know. That Bai person," Gao Ling said finally.

"She didn't. Wu Mei told me it was an accident. I believe her."

"Isn't is weird that she died two weeks after she embarrassed the Empress by ripping her dress accidentally?"

"Gao Ling, I believe We Mei."

"You're too naive. A hollow head. Just beauty without brains. That's what you are," Gao Ling said angrily. "She's so rotten in her heart and soul. You saw how she discarded me."

"She didn't hurt you, though. So of course-"

"Stop defending that bitch of a woman!She's horrible. China will go to ruins if she's the Empress," Gao Ling snapped finally. 

We looked around at the garden, but no one was in sight. "Be careful, Gao Ling. I don't agree with you, and I never will. But whatever your opinions are, keep them to yourself," I told her.

The next day, Wu Mei called me to her personal room. She leaned on her hand and looked at me. "I heard that Gao Ling has been insulting me," she said finally.

"Wu Mei, she didn't mean it," I said quickly.

Wu Mei studied me carefully. "If you had to choose between her and me, who would you choose?" she asked slowly.

"You," I replied, because I knew it was the right answer.

Wu Mei hesitated. "You see, I received other reports of Gao Ling. Apparently, she's been breaking into the palace kitchens, having an affair with the chef. If this spreads, it reflects badly on everyone."

"I understand," I said carefully. "So what?"

Wu Mei hesitated again, and looked at me, with pain in her eyes. "I have the Emperor's orders to get rid of her. I don't want to- we were friends before, you know- but I have to do it."

"No!" I cried.

She told me the plan.

----------

I break down into tears as I remember that night. When I led Gao Ling to her death. I shouldn't have listened to Wu Ze Tian. But I chose her over Gao Ling. Gao Ling's death was all my fault. And so was Lady Lin's. After Gao Ling died, I was so wracked with grief, I accused Wu Ze Tian of tricking me. I still remember how angry she was at me, especially because I said it all in front of Lady Lin and a handful of servants. Of course, they all died. What else?

The nuns look at me, concerned. "It's okay. Let it all out. I sense bitter pain in your past. Losing too many whom you care about," the senior nun says softly.