What will you do to be remembered? How do you want to be remembered? 

I want to be remembered. But do I deserve it? I sit here all day. Why should I be remembered? What have I done? I tell myself that I will do something great, but here I am, sitting at my desk doing nothing. I listen to music about being important by people who will be thought of after they die. Will anyone even think of me? No, people don't think of failures. People don't just remember someone who hasn't done anything important. Maybe I'll be one of the greats. Probably not. Being great comes with responsibilities that I can't handle. Being important to someone means being there for them when they need you. Being important to everyone means working day and night to be what they want you to be. It means being something you're not. Or you embrace what you are. Then you can't be anything else. Do I want to be remembered? It doesn't matter what I want. Being remembered isn't up to you. I won't be remembered, I can't. I'm not good enough. I never will be. I'm a wreck. When I look at myself I see a shell of a person who wants everything, I see who I was, not who I am. That's why I can't be remembered.

The people around me tell me I can do what I want. No, I can't. Even if I make it big I will be controlled by my peers. The pressure will build. There's only so much I can take before I break. If I don't I will be forgotten. Is that what I'm scared of? No, it's not. It's a concept that I have been taught is bad. Be remembered, make a difference. I can't and I won't. They tell me to try. That's what I'm scared of. If I try and fail, I will know that I can't. If I don't try I can at least live thinking I could've. If I do, then I'll break. If I don't others will tell me I failed. Do I try for those around me, or do I stand my ground and know that I'm safe. I've been living my life thinking I want to go big. Now I realize I just wanted people to be proud of me. Deep down, I think it'll be better if nobody remembers what could've been.

The only way to do what I want is to change my motivation. To realize that everything I do should be because I want to do it. When I write, I'm not doing it to make anyone proud. I write because it's the only thing keeping me sane. I write because I need to. Because if I don't, my thoughts and emotions will eat me up from the inside out. They'll strip me of my sanity and leave me a nothing. I write for me, not for them. I need to remember that. That can't go forgotten.

But I can. It's okay. Everyone will eventually be forgotten.